Life As I Know It: My Mr. Knightley

2/8/13-Hombre ideal

Hola!

No, I'm not going to attempt writing this in Spanish. But Spanish conversation lab is what prompted this letter. So yeah.

Today in lab we learned about characteristics and physical descriptions. And then we each had to tell the whole class the characteristics of our perfect man. Funny, I know. I felt bad for the short boy in my class because every girl listed alto (tall) on her list. Whoops!

But it got me thinking. What is my ideal man? Do I have one? You know those lists that you write in young womens or young mens or in achievement days about our future spouse? Yeah, I've learned a lot since I wrote those. I am not nearly so particular in some things, but much more so in others. And I got some things right :)

So here are a few things that I'm pretty sure you'll have ;) And these are in no particular order of what is most important.

Loves God more than anything else-even more than me.

Loves learning and doesn't just go to school to get a degree.

Knows how to have deep conversations

Is a good listener. This is like 70% of what you need to accomplish the above point. The rest is being willing to share with me. Okay I take that back. You need 100% of both. ;)

Loves children. I got this one right on all my lists, even when I was like 10. This is super important to me. This one is necessary. Absolutely. I want a big family. And so you'd better love children.

Appreciates music. I would love if you could sing and if you could play an instrument. But that is not a necessity (the singing is higher up in priority than playing an instrument btw). But I love music. And I want it to be a huge part of our family. So you're going to have to support me in that. And love music too.

Open minded. Man is this important to me.

Political. Need I say more?

Confident. Social. Knows how to interact well with people and knows how to be a leader. I never knew this was important to me until I started dating. But the way a guy acts when he meets my best friends is quite a make it or break it for me. I know, I know. I'm not very good at this. I'm working so hard at it. But this is why you need to be good at it.

Serves others. This tells me a lot about guys. I feel that service is so important. And there are few things more attractive to me than a guy who is willing to help me serve.

Tough. Willing to get dirty. Knows how to work. haha. MANDATORY. I think it's hot when a guy knows how to work on a farm. hawt!

Chivalrous. This is a beautiful thing.

Okay, that's a lot. And I am so imperfect that this seems hypocritical. But I am working so hard at this and I hope you're working so hard at this and then we'll fall in love and have our own happily ever after.

2/4/13-Oh my heart.

I love this quote. I think it's beautiful.

Yours truly,

Bekah

1/27/13-Day dreaming

Hi! It's been a little bit. I guess just 10 days. Guess what? I'M LEAVING ON MY MISSION IN ONE MONTH! I had a little bit of a freaking out session today as I was listening to Summer's farewell talk. That will be me in 4 weeks. It is getting so much more real but at the same time it's still so dream like. Is this really happening?

I have been distracted. I have been thinking so very much about love, and day dreaming about it, that I have kind of lost a little bit of the focus that I had. I need to get that back and start preparing hard core in this next month. I should be in bed-er asleep haha, I am in bed currently-as it is past 10:30! But I just wanted to record a really cute day dream/almost a full on dream that I had today. I hope this happens ;)

This is how it went:

We have known each other for a really long time. We're definitely good friends and talk a lot. Except I secretly have had a crush on you for months and months (perhaps years?) and you secretly like me too. But both of us have thus far been too chicken to do anything about it. However, this day something emotionally dramatic happens and I am super upset. And in a very natural way you hug me gently and let me know that it will be okay. And I feel so very safe and secure in your arms. And we're sitting on the couch and I'm leaning against you and it becomes obvious that we both like each other. A lot. And it just feels wonderful. I am thrilled that finally, finally, what I have dreamed about is happening. And as I'm leaning against you, mmm mmm, I turn my head and look up at you and you smile at me. And my heart melts. And I just murmur, "Is this really happening? Is this really (enter your name)?"

And I die of happiness at that point. I mean, I can't think past that point because it is too heavenly. And I feel like I am a 13 yr old girl when I think of things like this. But oh well! I do. And they make me happy.

I just can't wait to love you. I say that like every time. But really. Today we had just a short discussion in relief society about what true love is and someone mentioned that true love occurs when you care more about someone else than you do about yourself. I'm not going to lie, I don't know if I've ever felt that much. But I want to feel it. And I so want to feel it for you. I want to adore you. To rejoice in my love for you :) And hopefully you don't think I'm too cheesy. Heck, I'm usually the one who doesn't like cheesy things. Haha, even if you do think I'm too cheesy I hope you'll love me for that little silly part of me as well as everything else. I just can't wait for my life with you. I hope you're excited, 'cause I definitely am.

Love,

Your future Bekah ;)

1/17/13-

Here are a few thoughts on my mind:

If we ever have cows (which I have not yet come to a conclusion of whether I want to or not...) we need to live in a warm climate. Or maybe just get rid of them in the winter? I don't know. But I'm rather tired of milking these days. Am I lazy or am I lazy? Actually, I'm not that lazy. Just lazy compared to the rest of the world... But as I was saying. If we have a farm, let's please try to solve this ice problem in the winter? Por favor? Gracias.

Let's go shooting lots. I can't really decide what I feel about guns. But I want to be comfortable using one no matter what. And I want to be good. Totally confident and in control. And besides. Going target shooting is honestly one of the funnest activities I have ever done on a date thus far. So yes, lets do that lots please.

I think it should be a universal law that you can't get sick unless you have a boyfriend, fiance, or husband to take care of you. I would appreciate that. Sometimes I think that if any boy came up to me when I was sick and offered to just hold me and give me a head massage I would be totally okay with it. In reality I probably wouldn't. Maybe. Who knows? Sometimes you just feel miserable enough...But when I know you, you can do this for me, kay? Thanks. I will love you for it ;) And I promise I'll do the same for you when you're sick. And I'll make you warm lemon juice with honey.

Being on my own is super good for me. I need to become more independent, more confident in just myself. But I can't wait until we're married. Then I won't ever feel like I'm completely on my own. Unless we're fighting or something. Somethings I can't disagree with you on. I am super sensitive about what things I disagree with boys on, and it is hard for me to feel like I have to defend my opinion to someone that I love and would hope understand. But again, I need to be confident in my own ideas, opinions, and standards-enough to do them even when I'm all by my lonesome.

My hands get really dry in the winter. I'm sorry about that. It's nasty. But I just can't stand using lotion. Most of it doesn't even work for me anyways. I don't really even know what would work. But my hands get disgusting and dry and cracked and ugly and painful. And I hate it. I just apologize in advance for the rest of our lives. I'll apologize lots more every time you have to hold my scratchy hands, but I can't tell you in person currently so I'll just tell you in the future ;)

I've been really frustrated at my inability to love lately. I love people all around me very quickly when they aren't boys that are interested in me. I actually love them too, just not in the romantic type of love. And I'm mad about it. But I realized the other day that Heavenly Father cares enough about our eternity together that He's not going to punish me for lack of understanding or inability when I'm trying my best. If I am truly trying to follow Him, and do what I feel is most important, then I don't have to worry about opportunities passing me by. There are obviously a lot of things I need (ed) to learn about love. And I am so grateful to the people who have helped me learn those lessons. Someday I'm going to start learning with you and we'll just keep on learning together forever 'nd ever. It will be fun.

Okay, I'm gonna head to bed now (well, first read PMG and the BoM and floss and brush my teeth, and take out my contact, and put callendula ointment on my hands, and get my pj's on, and say my prayer and then go to sleep).

So goodnight!

Love,

Beks

1/8/13-Just so ya know.

It's 2013. That's super weird. And I am so sick! My eyes are burning, and watering, and I think I have a fever, and my head hurts so bad when I have to bend over. Ugh. I hate being sick. But I still have to go to Spanish, and then I'll be done for the day. Wahoo!

Spanish is going to be so hard for me. I haven't begun something completely brand new like this in a very long time. I hope you know a language. Then, if I learn it well, we can teach each other. Riiiiight.

I have been thinking of all these things lately, but for some reason I am not in the mood to write them down. It kind of has to do with how I react to relationships (whew. that's a scary subject), how I view other people (I really need to honestly work on this), how I don't return signs of interest (there are so many things that go into this. Like tons of factors. The way I was raised, how I'm such a homebody and hate planning things, I'm super shy in new settings, one of my biggest fears is showing more interest than I actually feel, being lazy, being way too busy, and having an expectation that if a guy wants to date me he had better pursue me, not the other way around. haha, I'm ridiculous), and how I want you to view me.

But like I said before, I'm not really in the mood to write it all out. I'm sick and tired.

There was an awesome devotional today about realizing the hand of God in my life. And how blessings will come in their own time. It helped to calm my fears somewhat.

Okay. That's all.

If you're here at BYU, good luck with the first week of classes!

Love,

Beks.

1/6/13-Rings!

Just because I keep seeing pictures of rings that I like. Wanna see?

https://picasaweb.google.com/112715793112755062573/MyFavoriteRings?authkey=Gv1sRgCLjVnfHkovzulQE

12/29/2012-To you

This is what I did after writing the previous entry :)

12/29/2012-Missing

Dear future you,

I have been missing you lots the last few weeks (can I miss you if I haven't met you yet? Yeah, I think so). I get in these moods every so often where I stalk young married couples and get jealous of how happy they are. Aren't I silly?

I know the physical aspect of our relationship will definitely not be the most important or the most beautiful, but I'm kind of longing for it right now. I really really like cuddling. I'm sure you'll know this by now. But do you know one of my very favorite things? I love seeing couples like this. When you're standing behind me and you put your arms around me and pull me close. Mmmmmm I think that might become my favorite position ;)

Two of my friends recently were writing "owner's manuals" or something of the sort for themselves recently. I thought it was a cute idea. I've been thinking of lots of things that you should know about me. I'll probably make a more comprehensive list one of these days, but here are a few of the things that came quickly to mind:

I don't do very well with correction. I'm getting better and really working on it. But it's hard for me. However, usually I am really good at trying to fix whatever correction I was given. Even if I grumble about it lots ;)

One of the most attractive things to me is when boys help me serve others. Especially my family. It is so very attractive. And I will love you for it.

I hate sarcasm. I'm way too sensitive. I know that. But I hope that you will understand for me. I was exercising with Britt this morning (mostly talking. Of course) and it struck me that even in things like sports the way to motivate me is not by telling me how poorly I'm doing, or yelling at me to do better, but by telling me that I have potential, that I am doing well but could do better. Maybe it's a pride thing.

I love Mindy Gledhill: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZwurauRiEU&list=PL9D9677BC3FF5B4DB

I think I'm going to cry of happiness on our wedding day. I am so so so excited to be in love with you. What a beautiful feeling that will be. It almost makes me cry thinking about it (I'm kind of in an emotional mood tonight. Sorry.) I have dreamed about being in love my whole life. When I can be so very happy to serve you. To just want to stare at you and tell everyone how wonderful you are. But. I have a mission to serve before that ever happens. And I need to focus on that. So I am going to try to stop missing you so much. I'll try to start being more excited about serving the Lord. Only when I complete my mission will I even be close to being a good enough wife for you.

I hope your Christmas was wonderful. Won't it be fun when we have our first Christmas together?

I love you!

Love,

Beks

12/20/2012-Love Languages and the Color Test

Have you ever taken the Love Languages test? If not, you should :) I read the book after some unsuccessful relationships and really enjoyed it. I learned a lot. I kind of got some ideas of what I thought my love language was. After thinking over my relationships I decided that physical touch and quality time were my primary love languages. And that's what I thought for quite a long time. I didn't do much or think much about it though.

I just took the test again just a few days ago because I saw it linked to a blog. I tried to think through each question a little bit more. And I was surprised at my different results. This time my number one was quality time, followed by words of affirmation, acts of service, and then physical touch. The receiving gifts had zero points. haha, I do like getting gifts, I promise :)

I still don't think this is exactly right, but I think it is closer. It's interesting. I don't really care that much about it currently, but I think it will be important someday when we're dating and especially when we're married.

So yeah. You should take it. I'm going to try to pay more attention to how I try to show my love to others and how I feel love.

I also took the color personality test. I have taken it before, but again, it was fun to review. I scored a blue/white personality mix. I could have guessed that.

But I'm getting bored of writing this post. Just take the quizzes and we can talk about it in person someday.

Love,

Me.

12/6/2012-Lessons I'm learning

Dear...you,

(What can I call you? I have never used pet names before. I don't know if I will ever like them. Except I think since it's you, I will like them. And maybe, since it's you, I"ll be okay with you using them too. Hon? Sweetheart? Darling? Beautiful? ;) But I refuse to call you my hubby. Ugh! I can't stand that!)

After writing the previous post, thinking about what I wrote, and having an awesome discussion with Kyle, I have come to realize a lot of things. A lot of things about myself. A lot of things I have been doing wrong my whole life. A lot of things that could ruin relationships. It is quite humbling. This talk is amazing. It is very blunt and says it how it is. And I think every young person should read this every day. Okay, maybe like once a year. But it's good :)

Thus far in my life I have never been broken up with, I have never been dumped. I have always been the one to end the relationship. To be perfectly honest, that kind of made me cocky. I must be pretty amazing to have guys always want to date me...

Yeah, I'm an idiot. And I finally figured out the reason (well one of them) this happens. Definitely not cause I'm awesome! I offer guys lots of ways to serve me. Because sometimes I am a basket case. But I rarely serve them. Partly because they don't give me easy opportunities to serve but mostly because I am not service oriented when I am in a relationship. I am very focused on what I feel, how you treat me, and whether you deserve my respect. While those are important, I need to not focus so much on them. I think those things will be obvious without me spending hours and hours analyzing. They are things I should have figured out most of the way before we even start dating. And then once we begin to date seriously, I need to focus on you. On how I can make you happy, how I can serve you.

Many people have told me that the desire to serve will come naturally when you love someone. But I really liked what Kyle said last night, "you learn to love service by serving." (or something like that).

As I have been pondering upon that this morning, I have also felt that the service given needs to require sacrifice. I can serve people when it doesn't inconvenience me at all. But how often do I really sacrifice my time for someone? Sleep time? Homework time? Leisure time? Not very often. Thus, I don't come to love people. I serve my close friends, and I serve my family occasionally, and over the years that I've been with them I have come to love them dearly. But I have not come to love someone fully in a romantic relationship yet. I really struggle with it. And I tear boys apart because of this horrid habit of mine. Gross, that makes me sound like a monster or something.

I have learned so much over the past two months about what love is. Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. It is the way you treat someone. It is the way you serve and sacrifice for them. It is the way you talk to them and about them. It is the way you react to their faults and weaknesses and vulnerabilities. It is the way you respond when they hurt you, or when you hurt them. It is charity. It is patient, kind, not jealous, not proud, service oriented, loves truth and goodness.

Kyle made the comment that the Lord must be preparing me for my mission with all this new insight on how to love :)

I am going to work at this fault of mine. I am going to utilize this promise, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men who humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27). I know that with the Lord, I can change this weakness into a strength. And I'm so determined to work on it.

I am so excited to love you! I love you already, knowing how much you're going to be patient with me :) Thank you for helping me become the woman God wants me to become.

Love,

Me.

p.s. I think our first kiss should go something like this:

Don't you? ;)

12/4/2012-Thoughtfulness

Dear future husband,

I went on a date the other night where my date did not open my doors or walk me to the door when he dropped me off (isn't that so weird? I thought that was just common etiquette.). Anyways, this got me thinking about thoughtfullness. This person was a very nice person, and quite funny, but I think what was lacking was this simple thing called being thoughtful. I am not a very thoughtful person, but I am working on becoming better. I started thinking about all the thoughtful gestures boys could show their date or girlfriend and especially their wife. Here are some of the ones that I so appreciate:

~Opening doors. Yes, I love when guys open my door, getting in and out of cars, going into buildings, and everywhere else there is a door to be opened.

~Paying sincere compliments. Not overbearing or exaggerated but ones that are unique. If they are unique to me, it shows that you really are starting to know me.

~Asking questions and actually listening like you care. Boys struggle with this, which makes it an even more appreciated attribute. I love to talk. If you show me that you actually have an interest in what I do, in my school, in my work, in my clinicals (this one is huge actually. But most likely I'll be done with these by the time I meet/marry you) I will find you so much more attractive and I will appreciate so much the fact that you care.

~Making sure I am comfortable. Think about how I would be feeling in a new situation and try to make me comfortable. This one is huge for me. I so appreciate when boys do this. I have so much more fun with them when they do :)

~Leave little "thank you" notes every now and again. Or notes of encouragement. Or notes after a test, or a hard day, or just a note to say you love me as I am. It's a little thing but it means so very much.

And here are some random things:

I kind of want you to brush my hair when it's wet. I hate brushing my hair out after I shower and I love when people brush my hair for me. I think it would be such a cute tradition. :)

-Give me a head massage when I have a headache. Or a back massage. Or a calf massage. Or even a foot massage ;)

-Be considerate of the fact that when I'm stressed I am not very inclined to be in a kissable mood. Yeah.

That's all.

Love,

Your future, not at all high maintenance wife.

11/26/2012-Selfish (Isn't that an ugly word?)

Today I have learned a lot about why I always struggle in relationships. It is called being selfish. I've heard that the decision of who to marry has to be the most selfish decision of your life. I understand the point they are trying to make, but I don't know if I agree. I'll have to be perfectly honest with myself, and perfectly aware of why I am choosing to marry you, but I think the only way I will every fall in love with you is if I try to be completely selfless in my actions.

Elder Holland made me realize this when we read this quote in class:

"No serious courtship or engagement or marriage is worth the name if we do not fully invest all that we have in it and in so doing trust ourselves totally to the one we love. You cannot succeed in love if you keep one foot out on the bank for safety's sake. The very nature of the endeavor requires that you hold on to each other as tightly as you can and jump in the pool together."

I saw a wedding announcement once that had a picture of the couple jumping into the lake, hand in hand, and then on the back a picture of them in the lake. I thought it was cute. I am going to try so hard to 'fully invest' in our relationship as soon as I decide that I want to date you seriously. I hope you do as well.

Here are a few of the quotes that I loved from today's lecture in my marriage and family class:

"While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive" (Spencer W. Kimball).

Isn't that beautiful? I want our marriage to be exultant ecstasy. :)

And finally, this quote from Harold B. Lee:

If young people "would resolve from the moment of their marriage, that from that time forth they would resolve and do everything in their power to please each other in things that are right, even to the sacrifice of their own pleasures, their own appetites, their own desires, the problem of adjustment in married life would take care of itself, and their home would indeed be a happy home. Great love is built on great sacrifice, and that home where the principle of sacrifice for the welfare of each other is daily expressed is that home where there abides a great love."

Lets try it, yes? I'm going to be practicing this principle with my family until I meet you, so I'll be better prepared and have the ability and willingness to do this for you. I'm excited :)

Love,

Bekah

p.s. I'm getting my mission call in three days. Aren't you so excited for me? It is going to help me better than anything else I can think of to get ready to be your wife.

8/10/2012-Why Mr. Knightley

Whoever you are, please make sure you watch this movie ;) Or I'm sure I'll introduce it to you some time early in our relationship...

"I would be content if he would just stay single..."

And one of my favorite scenes ever...

"Try not to kill my dogs..."

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8/9/2012-Midnight

Dear future boyfriend--> fiance--> husband:
Tonight I wanted to write you a letter to apologize for the way I respond to boys and how I will most likely respond to you at first.

I have a super duper big fear of relationships. Thinking about them makes me stressed and when I feel stressed about a relationship my initial reaction is to push you far, far away. I have learned from the many guys I've gone on dates with that sometimes I try to be super fast mover if I base my actions on how I feel in the moment. However, it is necessary for me to be a super slow mover to feel comfortable in a relationship. If you've ever met a girl who is fickle, multiply that by 100,000x and you will understand how often I change my mind. I've been told that perhaps when it is right and I have finally met you, I may feel the difference because I won't change my mind so much. But I don't believe that is the case. As I am now, I do things in the emotion of a moment and the next moment regret it. There will probably have been very many times when I wanted to tell you I would be your girlfriend, when I wanted to hold your hand, heck! when I've wanted to kiss you. But because I know myself, I know that immediately upon doing one of those, I would regret it.

I am a very independent person. I don't mind being alone at all. I love to think about things. Basically what I'm saying is that I need my own time. And I think I need lots of it. When that time is threatened, I again feel the need to push back and get out of any situation that makes me feel trapped.

I love my family very much. What they think about you plays a very large role in how I feel about you. I realize that that is not necessarily a good thing, and I am trying to work through it, but it is what it is at this time of my life. I have realized that I will only be happy with you for eternity if I would rather be with you than my family at any given time. That has never happened before. Good luck with that.

Also, I am a very loyal person. Because you are the one I am going to choose (whoever you are) you must be able to fit in with my friends and family really well or I would never have continued to date you. Friendships are very important to me and time spent with you means time spent away from them. Please understand my need to keep up my relationships with them and don't be offended if occasionally I choose a girls night out over a date with you.

All of this leads me to this conclusion: I need to get to know you for a long time before I can begin to date you seriously. I need to get comfortable with the idea of you. And that may take a long time. I need to know that I am okay to not hang out with you when I don't want to. I need to be able to say no to you so I can have enough time with my family and enough time just by myself and not feel guilty doing it. I need to know you long enough so that I don't feel that my relationships with my family or friends are being threatened because of you. I need to want to kiss you for a very long time before I do so I know I won't regret it (that goes with holding hands, becoming your girlfriend, and telling you I love you). I need you to be very patient and understanding with me and recognize that I am a girl who still has many heart scars and who is trying to figure out who she really is.

On that note--please understand that in conversation I say lots of things that I don't mean. It takes me explaining myself many times to finally feel like I've expressed my thoughts or emotions correctly. So don't base an opinion off of one comment I make, especially if it causes you to change the way you act towards me. Other times I may just repeat what I've said before until I finally realize that I was right the first time when I said it.

If you can be this person for me, I promise that I will love you with all of my heart. I won't hold back anything. I will sacrifice for you. I will serve you. I will want so badly to make you happy and I will absolutely love doing any and all of this for you because I will adore you. I know that you probably think that it's hard to get to know me deep down, but when you do you will find an open heart so ready to let you in.

I hope you're out there. I hope and pray that you will be patient with me while I figure everything out. I hope you are preparing to marry me, because I am trying my very hardest to become the best companion I can be. I most likely will serve a mission before I find you, and I hope that it will prepare me better to meet you and to be the mother of your children someday. I can't wait until I fall head over heels in love with you.

Love,
Your future girlfriend-->fiance-->wife (or a very confused, crazy girl that you somehow fall in love with).

Life As I Know It

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