Until then.

Dearest blog,

This will be my last post on you for quite some time. I'm going to miss you. But this adventure I am about to embark on will be so very worth it. I wanted to write down some of my thoughts after this very eventful day.

My heart is so full. Today has been such a blessing. I gave my farewell talk this morning in my home ward. What amazing people are in that ward. I love them so much. I felt so humbled as I was greeted and congratulated by so many amazing family, friends, and even people that I didn't know well but knew my family. I was humbled by the support I was shown today. I was humbled by the compliments I received and by the expectations people have for me.

As I think about serving a mission I have so very many emotions.

My stress levels are pretty dang high because of my finals tomorrow and the fact that I have so very many more things to get done before I leave. So much shopping left to do. An immunization to get. A drs appointment to go to. Classes to pass. Packing up all the stuff I am leaving behind. Packing up all the stuff I am taking. Okay, I have to stop now.

I am so very excited to be a missionary. I can't wait until I have a name tag. With the sole purpose of bringing others to Christ. What better calling can you have than that? I have been blessed with little glimpses of how amazing it will be and it has made me so very excited. There is so much joy that comes with serving the Lord.

I am so nervous to leave the life I have known to embark on something that is going to be so very difficult. I have not prepared as I should have and I feel bad about that. I'm nervous about being able to accomplish the things I need to do, of being able to have the ability to keep going even when things are hard. I'm nervous about being able to get along with my companions, of feeling like I am living up to what is required of me, and of being humble enough to be led by the Lord.

My heart aches when I think about the people I am leaving behind. Good heavens. It currently makes me sick to my stomach to think about leaving them. I have been blessed with the best family on the planet. Sorry to everyone else. I have been blessed with the most amazing friends who love me and strengthen me and put up with all my ridiculousness on a continual basis. I have been blessed with a new reason for happiness which makes it even harder to leave. I am going to miss so many important things.

I am humbled as I think of the trust that God is putting in me as I embark on this work of saving souls. Who am I to be getting such a wonderful job? But I am so grateful for the knowledge I have that the Lord qualifies those He calls. Otherwise we would never send out such young, inexperienced, rather unprepared young men and women to share the most important message known to man.

Life is so very beautiful. God is so good. I am constantly reminded of the blessing it is to know that God knows everything, that He knows me, and that He is creating the best happily ever after just for me. My life has not gone as planned. But that is because my plan is so imperfect.

I know that this Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I know that our Savior, Jesus Christ lives. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me more than I can hope to comprehend. I know that this adventure will teach me things that I need to know to be the woman I need to be. So wish me luck as I head off to do the most scary, the most exciting, and the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.

With love,
Rebek

p.s. My mission blog is at this address: ahakeber.blogspot.com

Vulnerable

You can tell how bored and lonely I am when the number of posts that I write increases drastically haha. I really really miss going to school full time and being a nursing student. I don't know how I did it when I can't even manage 6 credits currently, but somehow I did. I feel so out of the loop of school and real life because I'm taking classes that have nothing to do with my major, I only have two of them, and they're ending in less than a month. But it's okay. I'm sure there are plenty of things I am supposed to learn from this experience :)


I went to the temple tonight. It was absolutely wonderful. I can't believe how much I have come to love it in such a short time. I thought it would take me just as long or longer to come to love the endowment as it did for me to come to really love Baptisms (and that was quite a while) but even missing the last 3 weeks I have felt such a difference. I hope hope hope that I can go often on my mission and that I will make it a priority for the rest of my life.

There were several things I learned at the temple, and many more questions raised, but I wanted to just share one thought. This actually was brought to mind before the session started as I was waiting and reading in D&C. I first read 130 and then just kept reading. In section 132 I began to read about the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. I have read that many times and even marked it in some complicated way my seminary teacher taught me. But until tonight I had never really been affected by it. But as I read it I was suddenly struck with how grateful I am for the truth of eternal families.

"Therefore, if a man marry him a wife in the world, and he marry her not by me nor by my word, and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world and she with him, their covenant and marriage are not of force when they are dead" (D&C 132:15).

When I read these words my heart ached with that thought. And then I read the promise that comes with marrying in the House of the Lord, by the right authority, and in His way:

"And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them--Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection...and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, and all heights and depths...it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hat put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fullness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever. Then shall they be gods" (D&C 132:19-20).

Quite a drastic difference, I must say. As I read both of these verses I suddenly had the strongest desire to be married in the temple. Marriage is kind of a big deal and I want to marry someone for eternity. I have always loved seeing couples go to the temple together. As I would sit outside the baptistery waiting to go down I would just watch as couples came walking hand and hand and entered the temple. And now I love it even more. I can't wait until I get to go with my husband. What a beautiful, glorious blessing. I just need to hurry up and find someone to fall madly and beautifully and joyfully in love with.


And now finally on to the title of this post.
I absolutely hate feeling vulnerable. I detest it. I have tried so hard to avoid it that it has become super difficult for me to let myself be vulnerable. But lately I've been working on it. I've been trying to love without expecting love back, to serve without a guaranteed thanks or kind gesture in return, and to be more open about my feelings even when I'm clueless about others' feelings. And let me tell ya. It has been HARD! It often makes me physically uncomfortable and I have to go expend this pent up frustrated emotion in some physical exertion.

This has always been pretty obvious in my dating life. I don't often like boys as it is, but if I do like a boy and he doesn't return that interest very obviously and quickly, I back peddle super fast and remind myself of all the reasons I wouldn't like him-his faults, weaknesses, why he's not that awesome-so I can save myself from liking someone who doesn't like me. But I have determined to change that. I'm going to stick with liking someone even if their feelings are not obviously clear. And if they end up not liking me, and that does become clear eventually, then I will hurt a bit and learn a bit and know that I can actually like someone. Isn't that fabulous?


Anyways... I need to go to bed. But those are my rambling thoughts this evening.

A mother.

"I know a name, a glorious name, 

Dearer than any other

Listen, I'll whisper this name to you

It is the name of Mother."

I walked into class rushed, completely unaware of the impact a few short 60 minutes could have on my day. Book of Mormon started out as usual, with a quiz, a lot of mundane questions about which answers can count, and then a session of questions and answers. 

I was distracted, trying to trace the lineage of the Helamans and Nephis through the war chapters and beyond. Bored, I glanced at the clock. We still had an hour to go. I tried to concentrate a little on what was being said as I was thumbing through the chapters in Helaman.Then my teacher asked a question. In every war there is a turning point. Where was the turning point in this war between the Nephites and Lamanites? He put up a powerpoint of the list and order of the cities that the Lamanites conquered and it became obvious that the Nephites were losing pretty darn bad until the Sons of Helaman come onto the scene. "Why did they change the tide of the war? What was it about them?" he asked. And we began to list answers.

They were "firm and undaunted," "they did obey and observe to perform every word with exactness," "their exceeding faith" (Alma 57: 20-21; 25)

And then he asked the next question. "But where had they learned this?" And the answer was obvious.

"And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt, our mothers knew it" (Alma 56:48). And "yea, even according to their faith was it done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them" (Alma 57:21).

He then said "the turning point of this war did not happen when the Sons of Helaman came into the war. It happened years earlier as they were taught at their mothers' knee."

Suddenly my attention was fully riveted on this. Of course I had heard this many times, but never quite this clearly. He shared this quote by President Packer:

"When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, 
will it feature the echoes of gunfire – 
or the shaping sound of lullabies?  
The great armistices made by military men – 
or the peacemaking of women 
in homes and in neighborhoods?  
Will what happened in cradles and kitchens 
prove to be more controlling 
than what happened in congresses?" 

President Boyd K Packer 

 We have been told by a Prophet of God that "the most important...work [we] will ever do will be...within the walls of [our] own homes" (Harold B. Lee). We have also been told by Prophets that, if at all possible, a mother should be the one to be with her children at home when they are young. "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). "Thus," my teacher continued, "it appears that the most important position anyone can ever hold on this whole entire earth is that of a mother."

I was feeling pretty humbled at this point. I am a woman with the potential to become a mother. It is a dream I have had my whole life. But who am I to claim such an important title, such a responsibility? Will I ever be ready for this vitally important work?

Appearing to move on to another subject, my teacher then began to address the concept of dissenting within ourselves. He said "after studying the war chapters, I believe that the way we dissent within ourselves is when there is a part of us that wants to follow God but still a part of us that wants to follow the world. That is when there is dissension within us." Or in other words, we believe what the world is telling us while trying to also follow what we know God has told us. But we cannot serve God and mammon. 

Then he moved back to mothers. 

One of the biggest wars Satan is currently waging is the one against mothers. Almost every other position you could have in the world is honored and celebrated. Women in the workforce, in importance positions, as leaders in the community, in political offices are all given praise and attention.  

And then, if you are raising children, the world says "Oh, she's just a mother." Just a mother. When juxtaposed to the truth that motherhood is the most important calling on earth that word 'just' seems pretty ludicrous.

However, when we know that God has commanded us to have children, to have families, but we believe the world at the same time, that is when mothers are robbed of the joy and fulfillment that comes with being a full time mom. 

We have been taught the importance of families, of not putting off having children, that the ideal situation is to have a mother at home while her children are young. But of course that doesn't work all the time. There are exceptions. The most important thing we can do is rally round in support of mothers in whatever situation they find themselves. 

Never say "just a mother."

Find out what the Lord would have you do and move forward with faith. 

I'm frustrated that I can't find the words I would like to express something so marvelous and beautiful. I left that class with a greater determination to prepare myself for this glorious calling which I hope someday will be mine. I am so very grateful to my own mother for the unending sacrifice she performs for her children. And I hope someday to feel the joy that comes in adding to my other names the glorious one of Mother. 

"Let no man despise thy youth"

On Tuesday I went to the devotional. On my way over I started thinking about how lucky we are at BYU to hear from leaders of the church on a regular basis. Last Tuesday we heard from President Samuelson and his beautiful wife. On Sunday we heard from President Uchtdorf. And then this Tuesday I was on my way to hear from Sister Dalton. Spoiled much?

She began her talk very differently than any I have ever heard her give. She began with her testimony. And it wasn't a short testimony. It was detailed, it was specific, and it was powerful.

She then mentioned the recent changes in the church: Missionaries at 18 and 19 years old instead of 19 and 21; the new youth program for Sunday School, the new strength of youth pamphlet, etc. And she emphasized multiple times that those aren't just for the 12-18 yr olds. They are for us as young adults as well.

She talked about how the history of this church revolves around young men and women. I mean, Joseph Smith was only 14 when he had the first vision. Do you realize how young that is? All the first members of this church were in their twenty's or early thirty's. In the Book of Mormon, captain Moroni led the whole Nephite armies when he was only 25. Mormon was instructed about the entire collection of the plates of the Nephites when he was just 10 years old. Later on, he became the leader of the whole Nephite army at the age of 15! Wow. I can't even imagine. The examples could continue down to modern leaders of the church. Anyways. She made several of these examples. She talked about the power of the youth and the young adults of the church.

And then she said she wanted to give us this counsel:

"Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou and example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity." 

-1 Timothy 4:12

Her first point of counsel is what struck me that hardest: "Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are too young!" To get married, to serve a mission, to be an influence for good, etc. This was super powerful to me. How often have I said, "I'm too young to be married, I'm to little for that, I'm not ready, I'm not prepared," etc. She said how the decisions that most affected her life were made between the ages of 18 and 30. She made the best decision of her life in her early 20's when she chose to marry her husband. Here at BYU. 

As she was speaking I finally realized that I'm sick of saying that I'm not ready or that I'm too young. Because it doesn't really matter and it's not really true. Life events aren't supposed to be delayed until we are perfectly mature and emotionally competent and completely happy. How silly is that?! Big life decisions aid in that process, probably better than almost anything else we can do. Especially in relation to marriage and motherhood. I'm not going to be ready for marriage. No one ever is. Because you can't be prepared without jumping into it. And as you move forward the Lord strengthens you. And you mature at the rate that you need to. You grow in the ways you need to as you fulfill the calling you were given. I feel so unprepared to be a mother. But I don't think it would be any good to wait (after I'm married of course) for years to try to feel more prepared. I've had the first twenty something years to do that. And motherhood is just as much a journey as finding who you are, finding your weaknesses and strengths, and having faith as you continue to move forward. 

Okay. Those are my thoughts :) 

A Jumble of Thoughts.

I'm still sick. I hate sickness. It throws everything off and messes up everyone's plans. We were all hit super hard with it this flu season. Darn freezing cold winter. But thankfully everyone is on the mend.

I've done one week of block classes. Holy cow they move fast. Book of Mormon won't be too bad. But Spanish. Whew! Lets not even talk about how completely ignorant I feel in that class. You would think that in Spanish 101 they would speak more often in English, but no! Immersion is the way to go, right? Wow. What a humbling experience, let me tell ya! I'm by far the most behind in that class as everyone else has had at least a few years of high school Spanish. Me on the other hand... But thankfully I have many kind friends who speak Spanish and are willing to help me. I'm totally going to take them up on it.

I love elves. I wish they were real and I was one. I guess I have to be content with learning all the awesome skills they apparently have. Mostly archery. And just good magic all around. I think I've read a little too much Lord of the Rings in the past two days...

Tonight we had a birthday party for two of my siblings . It was way fun. I love them. But when I left I said goodbye to my Alaskan chillins. And Quince and Jen. They're flying out tomorrow and I won't see them until after my mission. It made my mission seem so much more real. Like, I'm actually going to be out serving in less than two months. And I won't be with my family. And they will write me letters and I will write to them. It was such a weird feeling. It still almost seems like it's not really going to happen. But I'm sure my first night in the MTC will change that! :)

I have had so many kind people in my life lately. I've been in a little bit of a weird situation and I have so appreciated those who have just offered random, thoughtful, kind words. They have no idea how much they mean to me. Something I especially appreciate is when someone who I met through an old boyfriend is still willing to say hi, and ask how I'm doing, and ask me about my life, and give me encouragement, even when they were better friends with the boy I broke up with. Having had so many people act the opposite way after I break up with their friend makes me appreciate so much more those who don't.

Speaking of old bf's. What is my problem?! I have such a hard time getting over someone. I really can't figure out what it is. Because it obviously didn't work out, and I am the one who was the cause of it not working out, so you would think that I would be over it by now. But nope. I'm not. Most of the time I am, thankfully. But random times I just all of the sudden miss them. And it hurts. And I'm like, I am never dating again!! And then I hate relationships and boys, etc. But really I just miss them way bad.

Starting the semester I was really excited to not have nursing classes. I could hardly believe that none of my teachers even emailed me before classes started. Totally abnormal. But after attending class the first two days I realized that I missed nursing. Most of all I missed the nursing students in my class. Mostly I missed Laura and Brittany. Since my freshman year of college I haven't had to go to many classes where I know no one. But I have this semester. It is so good for me. But quite lonely.

I had a good conversation with Sarah when I drove her home tonight. In it, I realized that I have become so much more confident in the past year. I have really learned to be okay with the person I am. Granted, I'm still embarrassed when I'm completely clueless about something that everyone else is aware of, but it happens less and less and when it does it doesn't bother me as much. I have been so blessed to grow up in a home where I was always taught that I was a daughter of God. And that He loved me for who I was. With all my weird quirks, with my flaws, with my imperfections, and with my strengths. And He knows me! And I have nothing to hide from Him. And in the long run, His opinion is the only one that really matters. That has given me such strength. I am the daughter of the most powerful, most loving, all knowing Heavenly Father. And He loves me. 

I need to go to bed now. I have choir practice in the morning. I should have been in bed long ago, but after I took Sarah home I had much to think about. There are a few of my thoughts.

p.s. I love Preach My Gospel. Wow, what an inspired book. It is like scripture and I love reading it. I am so glad this is what I get to read to prepare to serve Heavenly Father.

Goodnight!

Eternal Significance

This morning, at 1:45 AM, this beautiful little boy was born. Weighing 7 lbs 14 oz, he is in second place for heaviest Andelin grand baby born this year (there were 5 this year. Pretty sweet, huh?). He was 19.5 inches long. And, as you can see, has lots of blonde hair. 

I got to meet him this morning and I already love him. I am so glad I will have two months to get to know him before I head out on my mission.

Yesterday was Chelle's official due date, so he was pretty punctual if you ask me :) As I was thinking about his upcoming birth yesterday morning I was struck by how significant this event is for Chelle and Jason. This will forever change their lives, their perspectives, their eternal focus. They will forever be called parents. What a beautiful thing. 

I couldn't imagine how I will feel on the eve of something so magnificent, so life changing. How do you feel then? It got me thinking about what else in life has such eternal significance. How many things do I do each day that will affect my eternity? How many decisions do I make that will actually change my lfie in such an important way? 

The past few days I have been wanting to be married and have a baby so bad! It's bad timing, right before I leave on my mission. But yesterday, as I was thinking the above thoughts, I suddenly realized that being a missionary will have this eternal significance. What I am sharing with the people I meet has the potential to change their lives, their eternities, forever. This glorious gospel has that power. The Atonement of Jesus Christ has that power. And I get to be an instrument in Heavenly Father's hands to share this message with everyone I meet. 

This thought gave me so much excitement. It helped me realize a little bit more the importance of my calling as a missionary. No, I won't be getting married for a long time, and so I won't be having a baby for a long time. But I will be able to share with people a message that can change their eternity. And that is a beautiful thing. 

"Missionary work is the lifeblood of the Church and the lifesaving blessing to all who accept its message."

-Elder Ronald A. Rasband 

Prayers.

I love the gift of prayer. I love being able to talk to my Heavenly Father and know that He is listening. I love knowing that He understands me.

Prayer was a part of my life as long as I can remember, but it became especially meaningful to me when I was a teenager. I needed prayer. I needed to know that I was loved and accepted by my Father in Heaven. And prayer provided that knowledge. I would come home from an event, feeling very lonely and upset, not knowing why I never fit in, why I always felt awkward. But as I would pour out my heart to my Heavenly Father I would be encompassed by His love. And I knew that I was His daughter.

However, I had a real struggle with receiving answers to prayers when I needed to make a decision. An event in my life made me really question what I believed about God answering my prayers. I was frustrated. I knew He did, but I couldn't explain my lack of an answer. It ate at me and festered for months. And then a friend bore a marvelous testimony to me of the power of prayer and I realized that I wanted to believe. I still don't fully understand why I did not get more direction when I wanted it, but over time I have realized more and more why I needed to make that decision on my own, why I needed to go through that process and that pain. I do know that when I need an answer to a prayer, I will receive it. Sometimes it may not come when I think I need it, and sometimes I need to make a decision on my own, but when God knows I need it, it will come.

Yesterday I was blessed with a reminder of the power of prayer. I had a really rough day on Wednesday. I was whiny and angry and lonely and upset. I didn't know how to change my attitude. The more I realized how whiny and immature I was being, the more whiny and immature I acted. It was a horrid cycle. I got home late and realized that I just needed help. So I prayed. And yesterday my prayer was answered. I don't know how, or why, or what exactly, but my feelings changed. I'm not angry anymore. I'm at peace with what happened.

I am so excited to testify to the people in Long Beach California about the power of prayer. I know God hears me. He understands me perfectly and knows exactly what I need. And that is a beautiful thing.

I won't give up!

I just got introduced to Jason Mraz's song: I Won't Give Up. And I really love it.

Anyways...for the past couple weeks (like I've mentioned in like 3 posts already-sorry) I've been missing some particular boys. Just two. But because it's not just one, I understand that it's not actually them that I miss (well, I actually do miss them, but not in the way I'm making it seem) but having that wonderful support all the time. I'm lonely. I have an amazing family and awesome friends and I love them. I love spending time with them. But I have been 'casting my mind back' upon the wonderful feeling of support that comes from having a boyfriend. Someone who loves you and wants to make you happy.

HOWEVER! I read an awesome blog post (because I'm a blog stalker-I don't know this girl, but she garnered a whole lot of my respect from this post) about rockin' your singleness. And do you know what I realized? If I am not happy being single there is no way a relationship is going to give me the happiness I desire. That's not where happiness comes from. It can give you happiness and joy, but you only get that joy from being selfless and giving your self to that special someone. I'm not ready to do that. But you know what? The best thing that I can do now is learn how to give myself to someone. Because the most important person I can give myself to is my Heavenly Father. He can then shape me into who He wants me to be.

I want to be married some day. I want to have my own family. I love families! I love beautiful, eternal love stories. I want that! But until then, I'm going to learn how I can be happy on my own.

And lest I lead you astray, let me make it clear that I am happy. I am so much happier than I've been in a loooong time. But I can be even happier! And I'm going to learn better to rely on my Heavenly Father. I'm going to strengthen my faith in His love, in His knowledge of me, and in His timing and plan.

Just like our beloved President Uchtdorf said "I understand that, at times, some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God’s path for you. And that path will take you to your “happily ever after” destination.

“Happily ever after” is not something found only in fairy tales. You can have it! It is available for you! But you must follow your Heavenly Father’s map...Sisters, we love you. We pray for you. Be strong and of good courage. You are truly royal spirit daughters of Almighty God. You are princesses, destined to become queens. Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your “once upon a time” is now" (Your Happily Ever After, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf).

Isn't that beautiful? My once upon a time is now! So I need to learn how to make it the happiest once upon a time ever :) 

It's okay

For the past several months, as I have been pondering about and preparing for a mission, I have again and again had the frustrating thought that I was more prepared to serve a mission when I was 18 than I am now. I keep asking the question "Why couldn't I have gone then? I was so ready and so motivated to share the gospel. I was such a better person back then." With that frustration comes my impatience to be stronger, to become better, to be back to how I was. 


However, slowly the realization has come, through prayer, scripture study, and wonderful friends who have helped me along the way, that it is okay. When I voiced this frustration to a good friend he replied, "sometimes when you're improving something you have to tear it apart a little bit to create something better." I know that I've heard this so many times before in my life, but somehow when he said it, it just made sense. 


One of my very favorite hymns is How Firm a Foundation (hymn #85). I love these two verses:

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow,

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress."

"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flames shall not hurt thee; I only design

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine." 

For a long time I have wanted to be able to say I've healed completely, I'm a better person, I'm stronger. But in  all honesty I haven't felt that I fully am. I was so impatient and upset with myself. But now it's okay. I am willing to be a bit torn down, to be a bit broken right now and let Heavenly Father make me into the better woman he wants me to be. 

Orson F. Whitney gave us this beautiful comfort:

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”  

But how does that happen? What makes that possible? 

"When its conditions are fully met, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, our Savior, provides a release from the demands of justice for the errors made. It is wondrously simple and so incomparably beautiful" (Elder Scott, How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for your Personal Life, General Conference April 2012). 

"Lay your burden at the Savior’s feet. Let go of judgment. Allow Christ’s Atonement to change and heal your heart. Love one another. Forgive one another" (Pres Uchdorf, The Merciful Obtain Mercy, General Conference, April 2012)

This doesn't mean I can just sit back and let things happen as they happen. On the contrary I've learned again that you can't pray your way into heaven. You can't pray yourself a testimony. In fact, even reading your scriptures won't just automatically give you faith. Because "faith without works is dead and cannot save [me]," and "ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" (James 2:18 JST; Ether 12:6). 

I know that eventually I'll emerge a better person, and that knowledge makes it okay that for now I'm not quite as strong as I want to be. And when that happens I'll be ready to go and share this glorious gospel with the world. 

Christmas thoughts

This Christmas has been different for me. Michelle is married (and hence is not here) and I am not. We celebrated Christmas mainly yesterday instead of today. I'm older, hopefully wiser, and definitely a different person (a very different person) than I was last Christmas. However, I was reading through some of my old goals, or gifts to Jesus that I've "given" in past years and realized that I still continue to struggle with and work on the same exact things, over and over again. That kinda makes me sad, but in a way it makes me happy. I'm still working, and haven't given up yet :)

As I said in a previous post, my overall gift to my Savior, Jesus Christ this year is to come to love Him and our Heavenly Father more. And I believe that the main way that I can do that (along with reading/studying the scriptures) is to serve others. So that is what I am going to do. That is my goal. And to serve, not for recognition, or to get service in return, but because of love: love for the children of God around me as well as love for my Savior. And as I serve, my love for them will grow.

This evening we were able to sing together as a family (and last night and this morning). I LOVE singing. It is one of my very favorite things in the whole world. Some of the times I have felt the most secure, the most safe, or the most loved is when I have been singing together with my family and felt the unity and strength that came from that. One of the songs we learned last Christmas, and that we sang tonight, is called He's Born. It is beautiful. I wanted to record the lyrics here:

Joy to the world, the Lord is come, to ev'ry boy and girl, He'll be the Holy One, 

He'll be a king, He'll be a Lord, He's just a baby, but He'll save the world

And I'll sing Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! He is my Savior. 

Today He's born, He's born. 

Rejoice, rejoice, the Savior's come. We'll lift ev'ry voice, to the Healing One

A sinner saved, the price was paid, He's just a baby, He was born today

And I'll sing Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! 

He is my Savior and my King. With all my heart ot Him I"ll sing. 

My Lord and King will I adore and lift my praise forever more. 

He is my Shepherd and I know, that all my love to Him I"ll show,

And all my life to him I'll give, 

He is born! He's born! 

And I'll sing Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! He is my Savior. 

Today He's born, He's born.

I know my Savior lives! I am so grateful for the knowledge. I would definitely be one lost little girl without it. I am so grateful for His sacrifice for me, for His love, for His constant care. And I am so glad that we celebrate His birth specifically during this season.

Merry Christmas!

No one to blame

Dear blog,

Today I have been learning a very difficult (for me), wonderful, important lesson. It isn't "learned" yet, it probably will never be completely, but it's progress. It is about healing, moving on.

Today I read about a relationship that ended. One so sweet and promising that when it ended it left someone (probably both) dreadfully hurt. But I saw so clearly  in this situation that there was no one to blame. How can that be? Someone is always to blame if pain occurs, right? WRONG! What do you do when there is no one to blame? When heartache is caused through the actions of someone else trying to do their very best to follow what they felt was right? I have always been able to "forgive" either myself or someone else when I feel like there was someone obviously in the wrong (either me or someone else) and that that person in the wrong was sorry for what they had done and tried the best they could to fix it. But when someone is hurt, and the other person was not in the wrong, and there was no way to fix it, and they did what they did because they knew it was right, healing becomes so very hard. It seams almost impossible. Is it? 

But then I remember that that is what the Atonement of Jesus Christ is there for. He will make everything right.

 "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities "(Alma 7:11-12)

But I have had such a very hard time moving on. There have been times when I wish I could blame Matt for something, anything, that would make what I did seem more justified, but there is nothing. Yes, he had human weaknesses (so much fewer than most) but he was constantly trying his very best to love me perfectly, to forgive my frequent bratty attitude, to serve me, to help me, to be the best person he could be. And when I hurt him more than I ever thought I could hurt someone, when I wanted so badly to make it right but I couldn't, he was so wonderful to me! He has never blamed me for what has happened, he has never been angry or bitter,  he has never told me it was my fault. And I am so grateful for that.

Obviously I can't blame him, so I have to blame myself. However, there is one problem with that. In my heart of hearts I know that I was trying to do the very best I could to follow the path Heavenly Father has for me. Can I be blamed for that? I made so many mistakes, but I know that I was trying my hardest to follow the feelings I had. It was hard. So no, I can't blame myself, either. So where can I put the blame? There is nowhere! And that's when I realize that there is no blame. But wait, it caused so much pain! How do I move on, reconcile the pain, when everyone involved did the very best they could?

And then I remember that that is what the Atonement of Jesus Christ is there for. He will make everything right. 

"But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed" (Mosiah 14:5)

But how, when my love for happy endings makes it so hard for me to accept the fact that things don't always work out? That hearts are broken and then healed without the relationship working out. And they are happy with someone else! I need to accept that. It has been nagging me for so long. How do I get over my hope that someday it will work out? Because that thought has NOT helped me heal. It has just prolonged my feelings of guilt, my feelings of hurt, my confusion at what I did. How?

And then I remember that that is what the Atonement of Jesus Christ is there for. He will make everything right. 

"I say unto you, if ye have come to a knowledge of the goodness of God, and his matchless power, and his wisdom, and his patience, and his long-suffering towards the children of men; and also, the atonement which has been prepared from the foundation of the world, that thereby salvation might come to him that should put his trust in the Lord, and should be diligent in keeping his commandments, and continue in the faith even unto the end of his life, I mean the life of the mortal body—

I say, that this is the man who receiveth salvation, through the atonement which was prepared from the foundation of the world for all mankind, which ever were since the fall of Adam, or who are, or who ever shall be, even unto the end of the world.

And this is the means whereby salvation cometh. And there is none other salvation save this which hath been spoken of; neither are there any conditions whereby man can be saved except the conditions which I have told you.

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend" (Mosiah 4:6-9)

Ye have done it unto Me.

For a long time, probably the last five or so years, I have been pondering often on how I can come to love and appreciate my Savior more. I know what He has done for me, I know that He loves me, I know that He gave His life for me. Why can't I feel that overwhelming gratitude that these things should evoke? I have felt it, definitely, but it has never been very constant. In my first year at BYU, in  my second Book of Mormon class, I had to do a project on a principle of the Gospel. I chose to learn about worship: what it meant, who you worship, why you worship, etc. I discovered some very interesting things:

#1 Worship is so connected to music.

“If thou art merry, praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing, and with a prayer of praise and
thanksgiving” (D&C 136:28).

“Music in sacrament meeting is for worship" (Russell M. Nelson, “Worshiping at Sacrament Meeting,” Ensign, Aug 2004, 24–28). 

“Through music we raise our voices in powerful praise and prayer. Hymns provide a pattern of worship that is pleasing to God" (Russell M. Nelson, “The Power and Protection of Worthy Music,” Ensign, Dec 2009, 13–17).

 “Music in Church meetings and classes should facilitate a spirit of worship, revelation, and testimony. For sacrament meetings, the bishopric or branch presidency is responsible to select or approve music. They ensure that the music, the words, and the musical instruments are sacred, dignified, and will promote worship and revelation…How incomplete and empty sacrament meetings would be without hymns of worship" (Elder Jay E. Jensen, “The Nourishing Power of Hymns,” Ensign, May 2007, 11-13).

#2: Worship is very much associated with sacrifice and it is a sacred privelage: 

“Sacrifice is an amazing principle. As we willingly give our time and talents and all that we possess, it becomes one of our truest forms of worship. It can develop within us a profound love for each other and our Savior, Jesus Christ. Through sacrifice our hearts can be changed; we live closer to the Spirit and have less of an appetite for things of the world" (Carol B. Thomas, “Sacrifice: An Eternal Investment,” Liahona, Jul 2001, 77–79).

“Behold, it came to pass that the son of Nephihah was appointed to fill the judgment-seat…with an oath and sacred ordinance to judge righteously, and to keep the peace and the freedom of the people, and to grant unto them their sacred privileges to worship the Lord their God…” (Alma 50:39).

#3: Worship is so often associated with the feelings of adoration and awe:

“Worship often includes actions, but true worship always involves a particular attitude of mind.

The attitude of worship evokes the deepest feelings of allegiance, adoration, and awe. Worship combines love and reverence in a state of devotion that draws our spirits closer to God" (Dallin H. Oaks, Pure in Heart (1988), 125).

But still, how do you come to feel that adoration? That is what I have been looking for. I believe that it comes from love for our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. Only if we love Them can we worship Them. So how do yo increase your love for God and Jesus Christ? I love this quote by Joseph Smith:

“Let us here observe, that three things are necessary in order that any rational and intelligent being my exercise faith in God unto life and salvation.

First, the idea that he actually exists. Secondly, a correct idea of his character, perfections, and attributes. Thirdly, and actual knowledge that the course of life which he is pursuing is according to his will. For without an acquaintance with these three important facts, the faith of every rational being must be imperfect and unproductive; but with this understanding it can become perfect and fruitful, abounding in righteousness, unto the praise and glory of God the Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ” (Joseph Smith; Lectures on Faith, Lecture 3, p. 33).

He is discussing faith here, but I believe it applies to love as well. It is much, much easier to love someone that you know.

I discovered today another way that I can learn to love God and Jesus Christ. It is really quite obvious, but I only just realized it. We were talking about service. When you serve someone you come to love them. President Livingstone talked about how important service is in a relationship because only when you serve do you develop true love. Suddenly the scripture from Mosiah came to mind, "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God" (Mosiah 2:17). As well as this scripture, "inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me" (Matthew 25:40). So if we can learn to love others when we serve them, and if our service to others is really service to Christ, it follows that our service to others will increase our love for Christ. That was such an epiphany to me. I believe that my gift to Christ this year, my goal for 2012, will be to come to love my Savior more, to gain an adoring attitude, to worship Him in awe. And in order to do that I need to come to know Him through learning about Him ( reading about His life, studying His attributes, through scripture reading and study of the words of the prophets) and serving Him through serving the people around me. 

Heels & Healing

Tonight I am grateful for the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I've had an interesting past few days. For some reason I have had to explain my breaking off my engagement story several times recently. And I realized that I still am confused about what happened. Why is that? I don't really know. But I've learned a few things about myself these past few days. And lots of memories have been on my mind.

Heels: Did you know how much your feet can adjust? I have always had awful shoes. I'm too cheap to buy nice ones so I buy the cheap ones that fall apart long before I stop wearing them and are never comfortable. But when I was engaged, Matt was always adamant that I wore comfortable shoes. So I did. All my comfortable shoes were pretty ugly, but he didn't care so I didn't either. Well after that August day, when I didn't have someone convincing me to wear comfortable shoes all the time, I started wearing my cuter, cheaper shoes. And my feet hurt SO bad! I could only wear heels for half a day before my feet were dying! But I wore them anyway. And guess what?! My feet are "conditioned" again. And I can wear my horrible shoes all day and barely have hurting feet by the time I get home :) But this has made me think about that a lot. I really miss someone who was so concerned about my comfort, safety, and happiness. I miss it a lot. He took care of me so well. And I miss so much someone who I can talk to and know that he really does want to hear what I have to say. Really really. He is such a good listener. I am so grateful for that!

Healing: Again and again, as I think these thoughts, I refuse to accept that fact that there could be an alternative ending to this story. It doesn't make sense in any of the movies or fairy tales. None whatsoever. My mind cannot comprehend a different scenario in which I could be happy.  But do you know what? Again and again, as I think those thoughts, I am reminded that I don't have to worry. Heavenly Father knows EVERYTHING! And He will make my happy ending perfect for me. That doesn't mean I don't have to do anything, that's not what it means at all. But it means that I try my hardest and leave the rest up to Him. If my heart is taking an extremely long time to heal, if I have no interest in things that I used to love, if I'm struggling with things that I've never struggled with before I don't have to worry. Because I know He is in charge. And I am so thankful for that!

And here are some random things I've realized about myself the past few months:

• I love to be the center of attention (when it puts me in a good light. Isn't this horrible? I definitely need to learn to be more humble...). The reason I wrote that is because I always thought I didn't like it, because I get embarrassed so easily. But I realized that I really do. And I'm gonna work on that.
• I am extremely sensitive to criticism about my decisions about media and books
• I am extremely sensitive to criticism about how "sheltered" and naive I am
• When people disagree with me it is hard to know that they love me
• I care WAY too much about what people think of me
• I am very affected by the environment I am in
• I blush much too easily (I've known this my whole life but it was drawn to my attention this past week a lot...)
• I get swayed so much by what I read
• Sometimes I don't realize that I'm getting miffed at someone until I completely surprise myself and  blurt out a sarcastic comment. I hate when I do this, it makes me feel so bad. 

Basically this all comes down to the fact that I need to have more confidence in myself. Everyone in the world doesn't have to love me and I don't have to try to impress everyone I meet. 

Anyway, I want to write about my clinical today, but I'll do that tomorrow because I have a pounding headache and I need to go to bed. One more test tomorrow and then basically finals is all I have left. Hallelujah! 

Sleep tight, sand man's a comin' and he'll be here mighty mighty soon and if you don't cry he'll be comin' by with a great big lollipop moon... Goodnight! 

2 in 1 day. Whoops!

I've been thinking a lot lately how different my outlook on life can be day to day. Lately I have been so much happier than I have the past several months. I don't think I'm back to my normal cheerful, optimistic self yet, but that will come. It will never be exactly the same and that's okay. Life will never again be what it used to be, before I went to college, studied nursing, got engaged and broke off an engagement, experienced sorrow, apathy, fears, humbling realizations of how flawed I am, and wonderful realizations of how beautiful and perfect the Atonement of Jesus Christ is. I have had to rely so much on my Savior lately, and the knowledge I have that He will make everything OK in the end. Not only for me, but for every single person upon this earth. Isn't that amazing? I have begun to understand a little better why the Atonement is the greatest gift we have been given and why it is vital in the plan of happiness. It is this essential part of that plan that enables us to return to our Heavenly Father.

I have had very interesting experiences in the past three months. I have learned things about myself that make me feel extremely flawed and inadequate. I have had a lot of guilt from past mistakes I have made. I have experienced feelings I never thought I would, and those include feeling no desire to try to be happy, no desire to ever be married, and very little desire to make the effort to become better. But I have been blessed beyond measure by my Heavenly Father. He has taught me so much through these experiences. Like I said before, I have had to rely on my Savior, Jesus Christ and on my loving Heavenly Father. They will make everything okay! They will fix any injustice, make every pain worth it, heal every hurt, and make new a heart in pieces.

I feel like I'm being slightly dramatic. But I know, with perfect certainty, that my Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ live! That my Savior atoned for me, for you, and for every person on this earth. I can't even comprehend the love they must feel for us, flawed and imperfect as we are. And this is what I am most grateful for this Thanksgiving season.

I mentioned in a previous post the movie 17 Miracles. Here is line from that movie that I have thought about and relied on a lot these past few weeks: It will all be worth it in the end! And I truly believe that :)