"Let no man despise thy youth"

On Tuesday I went to the devotional. On my way over I started thinking about how lucky we are at BYU to hear from leaders of the church on a regular basis. Last Tuesday we heard from President Samuelson and his beautiful wife. On Sunday we heard from President Uchtdorf. And then this Tuesday I was on my way to hear from Sister Dalton. Spoiled much?

She began her talk very differently than any I have ever heard her give. She began with her testimony. And it wasn't a short testimony. It was detailed, it was specific, and it was powerful.

She then mentioned the recent changes in the church: Missionaries at 18 and 19 years old instead of 19 and 21; the new youth program for Sunday School, the new strength of youth pamphlet, etc. And she emphasized multiple times that those aren't just for the 12-18 yr olds. They are for us as young adults as well.

She talked about how the history of this church revolves around young men and women. I mean, Joseph Smith was only 14 when he had the first vision. Do you realize how young that is? All the first members of this church were in their twenty's or early thirty's. In the Book of Mormon, captain Moroni led the whole Nephite armies when he was only 25. Mormon was instructed about the entire collection of the plates of the Nephites when he was just 10 years old. Later on, he became the leader of the whole Nephite army at the age of 15! Wow. I can't even imagine. The examples could continue down to modern leaders of the church. Anyways. She made several of these examples. She talked about the power of the youth and the young adults of the church.

And then she said she wanted to give us this counsel:

"Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou and example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity." 

-1 Timothy 4:12

Her first point of counsel is what struck me that hardest: "Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are too young!" To get married, to serve a mission, to be an influence for good, etc. This was super powerful to me. How often have I said, "I'm too young to be married, I'm to little for that, I'm not ready, I'm not prepared," etc. She said how the decisions that most affected her life were made between the ages of 18 and 30. She made the best decision of her life in her early 20's when she chose to marry her husband. Here at BYU. 

As she was speaking I finally realized that I'm sick of saying that I'm not ready or that I'm too young. Because it doesn't really matter and it's not really true. Life events aren't supposed to be delayed until we are perfectly mature and emotionally competent and completely happy. How silly is that?! Big life decisions aid in that process, probably better than almost anything else we can do. Especially in relation to marriage and motherhood. I'm not going to be ready for marriage. No one ever is. Because you can't be prepared without jumping into it. And as you move forward the Lord strengthens you. And you mature at the rate that you need to. You grow in the ways you need to as you fulfill the calling you were given. I feel so unprepared to be a mother. But I don't think it would be any good to wait (after I'm married of course) for years to try to feel more prepared. I've had the first twenty something years to do that. And motherhood is just as much a journey as finding who you are, finding your weaknesses and strengths, and having faith as you continue to move forward. 

Okay. Those are my thoughts :) 

Life is hard. Still.

I've posted this lots of times before, but I have to remind myself every now and again.

One of the classic Grandpa Andersen quotes, that all his children (my parents, aunts and uncles) quote to their children goes something like this:

Life is hard. And then you die.

Most people think that is a very cynical and depressing. But I actually love it. Kyle showed me this, which describes exactly how I feel about it.



"The fact that life is difficult no longer matters." That's my favorite part. Because it is so true. It reminds me of this quote that President Hinckley used in one of his conference talks:

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The FACT is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride” (Jenkin Lloyd Jones). 

I used to hate that quote. I thought it was so depressing and marriages should not require a high degree of mutual toleration! But as I have matured ;) I have come to love it. Because again, once we realize that life is difficult, that it is meant to be that way, that trials are normal and universal, then it doesn't matter that life is difficult. Because there isn't another option :) 

I've been struggling with trying not to be angry today. And I've gotten really cynical and thought thoughts like "I learn more about a boy's character by how he reacts when I break up with him than the whole time we were previously dating. Why am I so often disappointed?!"

Someday I will be married and I will get to laugh at all these horrid dating stories. But until then I just need to be positive and happy and realize that I am learning so much from these experiences. Life is beautiful because it is hard. You just have to see the beautiful :) 

Marriage

It's a really interesting fact that every time I break up with someone I suddenly start learning so many things that I wish I had known in that relationship, things that would have made such a big difference. It is actually kind of depressing. Because occasionally it makes me wonder if I had just tried harder if it would have worked out. But those thoughts don't get me anywhere, so I try not to dwell on them.

This breakup has been no different. However, in addition to learning so many principles about dating and relationships and things I could have done so very much better, I have also been reminded over and over again how important marriage is. I have been trying to prepare more to enter the temple soon, and as I have learned more about the temple, the principle of eternal marriage and how vital it is to the Plan of Happiness has been emphasized to me over and over again. I know that I have been taught this my whole life, but for some reason it is just now sinking in. I had always viewed the endowment on an equal level with the sealing ordinance. However, while reading President Packer's book, The Holy Temple, I have realized that that is not the case. However important the endowment is, I think it is still a preparatory ordinance for marriage.

Along with this thought, I have also been impressed with how much I need to prepare now for marriage. I am not suddenly going to become the most positive person, I am not immediately going to be blessed with never ending patience, and I am not suddenly going to be the most efficient, productive time manager ever. So much of what I have learned lately has prompted me to be more diligent at developing the characteristics I will need so much in marriage and parenthood.

Here is a very abridged list of the things I want to remember from this relationship:

Keep your priorities straight! You will forever feel guilty if you don't maintain the vital things in life while in a relationship: scripture study, prayer, your relationship with your Father in Heaven, and adequate time for sleep. I know it will be hard, and other things are going to have to drop out of your life to maintain these ones, but I truly believe that doing this will help you maintain the peace and closeness to the Holy Ghost that you need to be a clear judge about a relationship.

Boys express their love differently than you do! I was often bothered by the fact that after Taylor and I kissed goodnight he would tell me how much he loved me. To me the timing suggested that much of his love for me was based off of physical attraction. While I know I can't know this for sure, something my Marriage and Family teacher taught is that often it is the physical part of a relationship that allows men to open up emotionally. However, for women it is usually the opposite. It is the emotional closeness in a relationship that propels the physical aspect for girls. Knowing this, I believe I would have better understood Taylor.

Don't be too hasty to be exclusive. The lessons I have learned in my marriage and family class in the past several weeks have really made me think about the way I approach relationships. I don't know how well this will carry over into what I actually do, but one thing I really want to be better at is taking the necessary time to get to know someone enough before I exclusively date them. This includes seeing them with their friends, with my friends, and in bigger groups of people. Seeing how they interact, how they treat others. I guess do a lot more observing and analyzing before I am committed to them rather than after we start dating.

Once you've made the decision to be exclusive, give it everything. Because I often don't feel ready to be exclusive, once we are I still hesitate. I think that is like death to a relationship. If I am still questioning, and holding back, and trying to figure out if I even want to date him while he is moving full steam ahead, serving me, giving it his whole effort, we're definitely going to be off kilter. I think this may be one of the factors that has contributed to the fact that so far in every relationship I have been in I am always waaaaay behind my bf in how much we care about each other.

Communicate well from the very beginning. Jen has taught me lots about this, but I am still so bad at it! I hold things inside that bother me and they just eat at the relationship for far too long. Either until I finally tell him (when it has become way more of a big deal than it otherwise would have been) or until we break up and I never actually tell him so many of the things that were bothering me. I honestly don't know if this would have changed the outcome of a relationship, but it would at least have eliminated some frustration and hurt on my part, and hurt and confusion on his part.

Appreciate and express gratitude for the little things. Every time I break up I realize how many of the little sweet gestures of love I took for granted. Really expressing my gratitude for those things would help me feel more for him I believe.

Offer compliments. I always am hesitant to do this because I worry that I will appear more emotionally invested than I actually am. Or something like that. However, I think by emphasizing their strengths and things you love about them to them helps you remember that you love it about them. I really am terrible at this. I always thought I was good at paying compliments. Ha. Not in relationships, that's for sure.

Ask why. Many things I learned in my marriage and family class about the different ways men and women feel, express, or approach life has given me insight into why Taylor did things that he did (again, I can't say this for certain, but I really think I understand him better). If I had just asked why instead of coming to my own conclusions and getting annoyed, I wouldn't have been so frustrated.


And that is the very abridged list :) I just hope I can carry these lessons into a relationship, rather than just remembering them once the relationship has ended. And someday I will have a celestial marriage. It just might take me a couple 10 more years or so.

Self-reflection

I was reading a really interesting post by a friend of a friend (I wonder how many times I've benefited from being a blog stalker...) about introversion and extroversion. It has made me really think about what I am. There aren't people who are just simply one or the other, so I've tried to analyze where I fall on that spectrum. I took lots of quizzes for fun that asked things like:

1-Are you usually the life of the party?
2-Do you think before you speak?
3-Do you often send calls to voice mail?
4-Do you like to express things in writing?
5-Are you a hard person to get to know?
6-Do you have many good friends?
7-Are you a better listener or do you love to talk?

etc.

But I don't know how I feel about those questions. Some of them I honestly didn't know how to answer. I laughed at the 3rd one, since I do that all the time :) Number 5 was the hardest one for me to answer.

I love to talk. I really, honestly do. I could talk your ear off if you were at all interested in something I had to say. So I always feel like I talk too much. Partly because of that, I always feel like I'm too open with other people. I just express my thoughts too freely. I have always felt like people get to know me so fast that there isn't anything else interesting about me to find out. Boring!

But the last couple months I have had several people tell me that they feel like I never opened up to them. That they feel like they are the one that has to always keep conversation going. That I'm really hard to get to know.

And I honestly don't know how understand that. I don't know how I could be more open. I don't know how I could be easier to get to know. I didn't think I was closed or cold to other people at all. I thought I just spilled it all out way too fast and people got sick of me. Now I wonder if there isn't as much of my personality to get to know as people think. Who knows?

Number 7 didn't make sense to me either. I have been told by many people that I am a good listener. And I have people open up to me a lot. But on the other hand, like I said before, I love to talk...

I found this article very interesting. You should read it :)

In the aforementioned blog, there was also a post about color personalities. And so I started looking up that as well. I believe I am a very blue person. And sadly I match so many of the 'blue' flaws to a T. However, I've realized this about myself: I love to be thinking about things. I love to have a problem to work on or a concept to try to understand or a principle to ponder or a hypothesis to challenge and explore. I have found myself saying things like "I've been thinking about this tons lately" or "I keep thinking this" or "I need to go think about that some more" all the time.

Anyways, I still need to think about it more (haha, see?) but I think I need to get to know my personality better. Partly so I can be more comfortable with who I am but more so that I can become better, to learn new skills, to recognize my weaknesses.

Thoughts anyone? :)

It's okay

For the past several months, as I have been pondering about and preparing for a mission, I have again and again had the frustrating thought that I was more prepared to serve a mission when I was 18 than I am now. I keep asking the question "Why couldn't I have gone then? I was so ready and so motivated to share the gospel. I was such a better person back then." With that frustration comes my impatience to be stronger, to become better, to be back to how I was. 


However, slowly the realization has come, through prayer, scripture study, and wonderful friends who have helped me along the way, that it is okay. When I voiced this frustration to a good friend he replied, "sometimes when you're improving something you have to tear it apart a little bit to create something better." I know that I've heard this so many times before in my life, but somehow when he said it, it just made sense. 


One of my very favorite hymns is How Firm a Foundation (hymn #85). I love these two verses:

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow,

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress."

"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flames shall not hurt thee; I only design

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine." 

For a long time I have wanted to be able to say I've healed completely, I'm a better person, I'm stronger. But in  all honesty I haven't felt that I fully am. I was so impatient and upset with myself. But now it's okay. I am willing to be a bit torn down, to be a bit broken right now and let Heavenly Father make me into the better woman he wants me to be. 

Orson F. Whitney gave us this beautiful comfort:

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”  

But how does that happen? What makes that possible? 

"When its conditions are fully met, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, our Savior, provides a release from the demands of justice for the errors made. It is wondrously simple and so incomparably beautiful" (Elder Scott, How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for your Personal Life, General Conference April 2012). 

"Lay your burden at the Savior’s feet. Let go of judgment. Allow Christ’s Atonement to change and heal your heart. Love one another. Forgive one another" (Pres Uchdorf, The Merciful Obtain Mercy, General Conference, April 2012)

This doesn't mean I can just sit back and let things happen as they happen. On the contrary I've learned again that you can't pray your way into heaven. You can't pray yourself a testimony. In fact, even reading your scriptures won't just automatically give you faith. Because "faith without works is dead and cannot save [me]," and "ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" (James 2:18 JST; Ether 12:6). 

I know that eventually I'll emerge a better person, and that knowledge makes it okay that for now I'm not quite as strong as I want to be. And when that happens I'll be ready to go and share this glorious gospel with the world. 

High school

When I was in high school I was ridiculously shy. I could hardly talk to anyone I didn't know really well and I was completely intimidated by the super cool, amazing, talented people that were in many of my classes. I made such a horrible impression of myself and I'm sure they all were disgusted at how awkward I was. I hated it!

It has now been 3 and a half years since I finished high school. Since that time I've been at college for 3 years, had a real job, dated a lot, had serious relationships, become more confident and sure of myself, and basically changed so much how I view everything.

Over the past several months many of the people I knew in high school are getting home from their missions and I've seen a lot of them at my stake singles activities. I have already experienced the whole high school insecurities re surfacing when I see these people but I want so badly to re make the impression they have of me. I know that it doesn't really matter and that I will probably never be in a situation where I will really interact with them again, but for some reason I so wish that I could leave them with a good impression of me instead of the awkward, shy, weird girl from high school that has a lot of siblings and did home school for lots of her life. I hate that!

The opportunity will probably never present itself but it has caused me to reflect on how much I have changed since leaving Mountain View High School. I was so insecure, so shy, so fearful of doing something stupid back then. I obviously still have remnants of that, but I have changed SO much. I think two things have made the biggest difference:

1). Being a nursing major. This has forced me to be pro active, to do things that are uncomfortable, to take initiative, to interact with people from every social, cultural, and religious background. It has forced me to have confidence in myself or else I would never be able to take care of patients with serious illnesses. It has helped me learn to interact with co workers and patients on a more professional level, and it has forced me out of my comfort zone a lot.

2). Dating/relationships. Being in relationships has taught me a lot. I learned a lot about myself, about what I like and dislike, about what bothers me, about what I really care about, about who I am attracted to. Because of relationships I learned that I can do really hard things and come out the better person. I learned that it is so much better to be sure and confident in how fast things move and that it's perfectly fine to take a step back and re analyze and just do what I feel is best at the very beginning. I have become so much more confident in myself after dating so much.

There have obviously been so very many other factors involved. I am so glad that I have become more confident and although it is something I have to constantly be working on, it definitely gets easier the more I trust myself and stop worrying so much about what other people think.


On another vein...
A couple weeks ago Jason and I and another partner Christine had to do a project for our history of creativity class. Here are some pictures and our video :)

I was a little bit annoyed because I was late and Milla kept wanting to take pictures, but I'm glad she did. Whoops. Sorry Milla!

And here is our final project:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPayFxTiH94#t=1m6s

If you notice in the video there are missionaries all over at the temple scene. Two of them came up to me and asked me to be in a picture with them. It was funny :)

Sleepy

Last week I made a very important discovery. I've made it before, but every time the realization makes more and more sense. Lack of sleep makes me grumpy!! It really really does!

When I was in high school I memorized a quote that I absolutely loved. It was written by Susanna Wesley:

"Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, takes off your relish for spiritual things, whatever increases the authority of the body over the mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may seem in itself." 

One night, as I was up really late completing an assignment, I was extremely grumpy. I had been on a sugar fast (those were a common occurrence in high school, it was awesome) and in my grumpy state I thought to myself, "I don't even care anymore, I'm just going to eat junk because I'm tired and I'm mad!" Suddenly it hit me how I was acting. I was being irrational. I knew I would regret breaking my sugar fast the next morning. I couldn't understand why I was so upset! This quote popped into my head and it hit me that sleep deprivation was NOT a good thing for me. It makes me stressed out. It makes me worried. It makes me horrible company. It takes away my motivation. It decreases my ability to concentrate. It weakens my resolve. It dampens my excitement on life by a whole lot. It makes me irritable.

I think the worst effect is that it decreases my ability to stay close to the Spirit. I get sad a lot easier. I don't care about reading my scriptures when I'm so exhausted. My motivation to be good isn't as strong. And this last week I felt it! I was so emotional. I did things I regret. I didn't do things that I should have and now I'm paying for it. Definitely.

So I'm going to do better. No more staying up past midnight. I know that isn't very late for a college student, but when I get up at 6:30 some days and 5:00 others, I have to get more sleep. Staying up isn't a benefit at all, even if I'm finishing up an assignment. I will get up early if I don't finish it, not stay up later. Starting this week.

A Date!

What's a date? ;)

So I had a date on Tuesday night that I was super excited about. He was attractive, and pretty cool, and he finally asked for my number at the end of the whole semester. But it didn't turn out to be very much what I expected. Granted, there were a few things that decreased my excitement for it. 

Number 1: I saw Matt the night before and, after talking to him for a half hour, I realized that it is pretty much the most abnormal thing ever to be so close to someone and then have it cut off so abruptly that you have no time to “grow” out of it. It creates the most strange situations and feelings. I hope eventually those will fade. Number 2: I had clinical that next day and 4 quizzes to take before then, so the only time I had to do them was between my last class at 5 and before he picked me up at 6:30. And I had to walk home, shower, and get ready in that time frame as well (don’t worry, I got them done, 2 before the date and 2 after, I’m so glad it was a pretty short date!). And number three: I had no way to get to clinical the next morning since I didn’t have time to go home with my Dad and bring the car back (because of my date at 6:30) and I absolutely dreaded calling the only person in my group who I felt comfortable asking for a ride.

Anyways… so my excitement was a little lessened.  But I was almost ready on time, just a few minutes late, he was pretty good lookin, and we headed out to dinner. We went to a Mexican restaurant in Orem (I forgot what it was called) and ate and then he dropped me off and it was over. Here is what I learned:

• I really don’t like when boys interrupt me in the middle of the sentence. The first time it’s definitely excusable, but when it happens 6, 7, or 8 times during our date, and when he doesn’t even apologize (maybe not even notice) it gets pretty frustrating.

• I realized that it’s harder to talk to some people than others, no matter how hard I try to keep a conversation going smoothly. That was the case this time. Our conversation kept feeling strained or awkward. I think it was because he kept changing topics so fast (with his interruptions) that I couldn’t even finish what I was saying about the first thing he asked before he changed the subject. Oh well.

• When people, especially boys, state “I’m just not a morning person,” and that they just are super grumpy when they have to wake up early, my opinion of them invariably goes down a little bit. I think that’s silly. No one is a morning person. It may be a little easier for some people to get up early, EVERYONE can control when they do or do not get grumpy.

• When boys admit to being moody I have a hard time maintaining the same level of respect I had for them before those words came out of their mouth. Whoops.

• When a boy is not interesting in politics I don’t find him quite as interesting of a person.

Ok, I’m being super harsh. I know that all of these things are just common sayings or bad habits. But I guess I don’t really know how to change that. I’m not really sure how to change who I am attracted to unless I change who I am (which I hope I’m always working on, for the better). Anyways, It was a fun date, and I’m super grateful for him asking me out and spending money on me, but I no longer think I’m interested. Lessons learned, right?

Boring

My blog is super boring. How should I fix that? Maybe it's because I'm just a normally boring person. And how in the world do I fix that? Suggestions? :)

Chelle got married on Saturday. It was a pretty crazy, stressful weekend with all the baking and sewing and just  general preparations. I kinda forgot all about finals in those few days. That was really last week? Weird.

Seeing Chelle get married was kind of weird for me. It's been 5 years since the last wedding in the family, and I wasn't as close to Lise when she got married as I was to Chelle (because Lise lived away from home the whole time). Mostly, though, it was because I almost got married. It would've been in 13 short days from the time I called it off. But seeing Chelle and Jason preparing and then after, and especially seeing how excited and calm Chelle was about it (not at ALL how I was feeling) made me realize that I was never very close to getting married. Yes, I had been engaged, and planned a whole wedding, and talked about it and read about it and gotten advice about it and taken a class on it, but I really wasn't ready. Because deep down I didn't really want to get married. I had not been able to give up all those things that I had to give up when I got married. Like living at home, having my best friends be my siblings (not my husband), being able to tell my Mom everything that I was thinking, everything I was struggling with, everything that I was feeling.  Being able to spend my money exactly how I wanted (this wasn't a big deal for me at all--only when I donated to Ron Paul and realized that if I was married we would have had to decide that together was I a tiny bit grateful that I wasn't married for that reason :), being able to get up with my Dad in the mornings and go help him on the farm without having to tell anyone or have anyone with me, being really only accountable to myself. Those were things I still hadn't given up. I didn't want to give those up. And I think that will be a good indicator for me when I've found the right one to marry--being happy to give those up for him because I'll want to.

I don't think any of these things bothered Chelle at all. I asked her if she was nervous about making such a big decision, but she just said that she felt good about it, she wanted to marry Jason, and she had made that decision already. I want to feel that peace the morning of my wedding.

Realizing this has done two things for me. The first one is that it has helped me realize that I really did make the right decision. I still don't know if it was a prompting from my Heavenly Father or if it was just a lack of that peace, but it was what I really wanted, what would make me happier in the long run. The second thing, though, is not as good. It has kind of made me dislike the idea of marriage even more. The experience I have with planning a wedding, with being engaged, is predominately stressful, anxious, dreading, very fearful, painful emotions. So that's what I associate with getting married. Even though I saw Chelle and how happy she was, my own experience speaks louder than what I've seen in others. And I really hope that goes away.

But I've been so much happier lately. Things are looking up :) I love Christmas time and all the time I get to spend with my family. I have been amazed at how quickly Heavenly Father has helped me heal. Memories and thoughts (generally) get less and less painful everyday.

These next few days I really want to get more into the Christmas spirit. I think what I'm mostly looking for is to be more grateful for my Savior, for what He has done for me, for how much His birth changed my eternity. And still the answer to that, I believe, is more service :)

Ye have done it unto Me.

For a long time, probably the last five or so years, I have been pondering often on how I can come to love and appreciate my Savior more. I know what He has done for me, I know that He loves me, I know that He gave His life for me. Why can't I feel that overwhelming gratitude that these things should evoke? I have felt it, definitely, but it has never been very constant. In my first year at BYU, in  my second Book of Mormon class, I had to do a project on a principle of the Gospel. I chose to learn about worship: what it meant, who you worship, why you worship, etc. I discovered some very interesting things:

#1 Worship is so connected to music.

“If thou art merry, praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing, and with a prayer of praise and
thanksgiving” (D&C 136:28).

“Music in sacrament meeting is for worship" (Russell M. Nelson, “Worshiping at Sacrament Meeting,” Ensign, Aug 2004, 24–28). 

“Through music we raise our voices in powerful praise and prayer. Hymns provide a pattern of worship that is pleasing to God" (Russell M. Nelson, “The Power and Protection of Worthy Music,” Ensign, Dec 2009, 13–17).

 “Music in Church meetings and classes should facilitate a spirit of worship, revelation, and testimony. For sacrament meetings, the bishopric or branch presidency is responsible to select or approve music. They ensure that the music, the words, and the musical instruments are sacred, dignified, and will promote worship and revelation…How incomplete and empty sacrament meetings would be without hymns of worship" (Elder Jay E. Jensen, “The Nourishing Power of Hymns,” Ensign, May 2007, 11-13).

#2: Worship is very much associated with sacrifice and it is a sacred privelage: 

“Sacrifice is an amazing principle. As we willingly give our time and talents and all that we possess, it becomes one of our truest forms of worship. It can develop within us a profound love for each other and our Savior, Jesus Christ. Through sacrifice our hearts can be changed; we live closer to the Spirit and have less of an appetite for things of the world" (Carol B. Thomas, “Sacrifice: An Eternal Investment,” Liahona, Jul 2001, 77–79).

“Behold, it came to pass that the son of Nephihah was appointed to fill the judgment-seat…with an oath and sacred ordinance to judge righteously, and to keep the peace and the freedom of the people, and to grant unto them their sacred privileges to worship the Lord their God…” (Alma 50:39).

#3: Worship is so often associated with the feelings of adoration and awe:

“Worship often includes actions, but true worship always involves a particular attitude of mind.

The attitude of worship evokes the deepest feelings of allegiance, adoration, and awe. Worship combines love and reverence in a state of devotion that draws our spirits closer to God" (Dallin H. Oaks, Pure in Heart (1988), 125).

But still, how do you come to feel that adoration? That is what I have been looking for. I believe that it comes from love for our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. Only if we love Them can we worship Them. So how do yo increase your love for God and Jesus Christ? I love this quote by Joseph Smith:

“Let us here observe, that three things are necessary in order that any rational and intelligent being my exercise faith in God unto life and salvation.

First, the idea that he actually exists. Secondly, a correct idea of his character, perfections, and attributes. Thirdly, and actual knowledge that the course of life which he is pursuing is according to his will. For without an acquaintance with these three important facts, the faith of every rational being must be imperfect and unproductive; but with this understanding it can become perfect and fruitful, abounding in righteousness, unto the praise and glory of God the Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ” (Joseph Smith; Lectures on Faith, Lecture 3, p. 33).

He is discussing faith here, but I believe it applies to love as well. It is much, much easier to love someone that you know.

I discovered today another way that I can learn to love God and Jesus Christ. It is really quite obvious, but I only just realized it. We were talking about service. When you serve someone you come to love them. President Livingstone talked about how important service is in a relationship because only when you serve do you develop true love. Suddenly the scripture from Mosiah came to mind, "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God" (Mosiah 2:17). As well as this scripture, "inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me" (Matthew 25:40). So if we can learn to love others when we serve them, and if our service to others is really service to Christ, it follows that our service to others will increase our love for Christ. That was such an epiphany to me. I believe that my gift to Christ this year, my goal for 2012, will be to come to love my Savior more, to gain an adoring attitude, to worship Him in awe. And in order to do that I need to come to know Him through learning about Him ( reading about His life, studying His attributes, through scripture reading and study of the words of the prophets) and serving Him through serving the people around me. 

Heels & Healing

Tonight I am grateful for the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I've had an interesting past few days. For some reason I have had to explain my breaking off my engagement story several times recently. And I realized that I still am confused about what happened. Why is that? I don't really know. But I've learned a few things about myself these past few days. And lots of memories have been on my mind.

Heels: Did you know how much your feet can adjust? I have always had awful shoes. I'm too cheap to buy nice ones so I buy the cheap ones that fall apart long before I stop wearing them and are never comfortable. But when I was engaged, Matt was always adamant that I wore comfortable shoes. So I did. All my comfortable shoes were pretty ugly, but he didn't care so I didn't either. Well after that August day, when I didn't have someone convincing me to wear comfortable shoes all the time, I started wearing my cuter, cheaper shoes. And my feet hurt SO bad! I could only wear heels for half a day before my feet were dying! But I wore them anyway. And guess what?! My feet are "conditioned" again. And I can wear my horrible shoes all day and barely have hurting feet by the time I get home :) But this has made me think about that a lot. I really miss someone who was so concerned about my comfort, safety, and happiness. I miss it a lot. He took care of me so well. And I miss so much someone who I can talk to and know that he really does want to hear what I have to say. Really really. He is such a good listener. I am so grateful for that!

Healing: Again and again, as I think these thoughts, I refuse to accept that fact that there could be an alternative ending to this story. It doesn't make sense in any of the movies or fairy tales. None whatsoever. My mind cannot comprehend a different scenario in which I could be happy.  But do you know what? Again and again, as I think those thoughts, I am reminded that I don't have to worry. Heavenly Father knows EVERYTHING! And He will make my happy ending perfect for me. That doesn't mean I don't have to do anything, that's not what it means at all. But it means that I try my hardest and leave the rest up to Him. If my heart is taking an extremely long time to heal, if I have no interest in things that I used to love, if I'm struggling with things that I've never struggled with before I don't have to worry. Because I know He is in charge. And I am so thankful for that!

And here are some random things I've realized about myself the past few months:

• I love to be the center of attention (when it puts me in a good light. Isn't this horrible? I definitely need to learn to be more humble...). The reason I wrote that is because I always thought I didn't like it, because I get embarrassed so easily. But I realized that I really do. And I'm gonna work on that.
• I am extremely sensitive to criticism about my decisions about media and books
• I am extremely sensitive to criticism about how "sheltered" and naive I am
• When people disagree with me it is hard to know that they love me
• I care WAY too much about what people think of me
• I am very affected by the environment I am in
• I blush much too easily (I've known this my whole life but it was drawn to my attention this past week a lot...)
• I get swayed so much by what I read
• Sometimes I don't realize that I'm getting miffed at someone until I completely surprise myself and  blurt out a sarcastic comment. I hate when I do this, it makes me feel so bad. 

Basically this all comes down to the fact that I need to have more confidence in myself. Everyone in the world doesn't have to love me and I don't have to try to impress everyone I meet. 

Anyway, I want to write about my clinical today, but I'll do that tomorrow because I have a pounding headache and I need to go to bed. One more test tomorrow and then basically finals is all I have left. Hallelujah! 

Sleep tight, sand man's a comin' and he'll be here mighty mighty soon and if you don't cry he'll be comin' by with a great big lollipop moon... Goodnight!