Heels & Healing

Tonight I am grateful for the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I've had an interesting past few days. For some reason I have had to explain my breaking off my engagement story several times recently. And I realized that I still am confused about what happened. Why is that? I don't really know. But I've learned a few things about myself these past few days. And lots of memories have been on my mind.

Heels: Did you know how much your feet can adjust? I have always had awful shoes. I'm too cheap to buy nice ones so I buy the cheap ones that fall apart long before I stop wearing them and are never comfortable. But when I was engaged, Matt was always adamant that I wore comfortable shoes. So I did. All my comfortable shoes were pretty ugly, but he didn't care so I didn't either. Well after that August day, when I didn't have someone convincing me to wear comfortable shoes all the time, I started wearing my cuter, cheaper shoes. And my feet hurt SO bad! I could only wear heels for half a day before my feet were dying! But I wore them anyway. And guess what?! My feet are "conditioned" again. And I can wear my horrible shoes all day and barely have hurting feet by the time I get home :) But this has made me think about that a lot. I really miss someone who was so concerned about my comfort, safety, and happiness. I miss it a lot. He took care of me so well. And I miss so much someone who I can talk to and know that he really does want to hear what I have to say. Really really. He is such a good listener. I am so grateful for that!

Healing: Again and again, as I think these thoughts, I refuse to accept that fact that there could be an alternative ending to this story. It doesn't make sense in any of the movies or fairy tales. None whatsoever. My mind cannot comprehend a different scenario in which I could be happy.  But do you know what? Again and again, as I think those thoughts, I am reminded that I don't have to worry. Heavenly Father knows EVERYTHING! And He will make my happy ending perfect for me. That doesn't mean I don't have to do anything, that's not what it means at all. But it means that I try my hardest and leave the rest up to Him. If my heart is taking an extremely long time to heal, if I have no interest in things that I used to love, if I'm struggling with things that I've never struggled with before I don't have to worry. Because I know He is in charge. And I am so thankful for that!

And here are some random things I've realized about myself the past few months:

• I love to be the center of attention (when it puts me in a good light. Isn't this horrible? I definitely need to learn to be more humble...). The reason I wrote that is because I always thought I didn't like it, because I get embarrassed so easily. But I realized that I really do. And I'm gonna work on that.
• I am extremely sensitive to criticism about my decisions about media and books
• I am extremely sensitive to criticism about how "sheltered" and naive I am
• When people disagree with me it is hard to know that they love me
• I care WAY too much about what people think of me
• I am very affected by the environment I am in
• I blush much too easily (I've known this my whole life but it was drawn to my attention this past week a lot...)
• I get swayed so much by what I read
• Sometimes I don't realize that I'm getting miffed at someone until I completely surprise myself and  blurt out a sarcastic comment. I hate when I do this, it makes me feel so bad. 

Basically this all comes down to the fact that I need to have more confidence in myself. Everyone in the world doesn't have to love me and I don't have to try to impress everyone I meet. 

Anyway, I want to write about my clinical today, but I'll do that tomorrow because I have a pounding headache and I need to go to bed. One more test tomorrow and then basically finals is all I have left. Hallelujah! 

Sleep tight, sand man's a comin' and he'll be here mighty mighty soon and if you don't cry he'll be comin' by with a great big lollipop moon... Goodnight!