Misery

Last night was completely miserable. I think the narcotics are finally wearing off. They shouldn't last that long, but I don't think I have a better explanation for my bad memory yesterday and the absence of pain until last night.

I went to bed with a headache and it just got worse during the night. I woke up multiple times hardly able to breathe and a perfectly dry mouth. It was so awful.

But thank goodness the night is over and it's now more funny than miserable. When I wake up in the middle of the night like that I get so dramatic and emotional. Last night, every time I woke up, I just kept thinking to myself-I need a husband to come make me feel better. Or just to hold my hand. Or get me some water. Or maybe just cuddle with me.

And I was totally serious.

I think once I'm married I'm going to have a big, painful dose of reality when my husband doesn't stay up with me all night when I'm sick :)

That one time I had surgery.

So yesterday I had surgery. It was definitely an adventure. It was so weird to be on the other side of the picture this time :) I have seen many many surgeries and watched people get intubated and put to sleep, and then watched the surgeon work on them. He makes a big bloody mess, and then they clean up the patient and send them into the PACU. I had seen all this happen multiple times. 

So when they wheeled me into the OR I was kinda weirded out. I knew what was going to happen and I was scared of the intubation part. That is totally the worst. I was also dreading coming out of anesthesia. But thanks to all the prayers offered in my behalf, the blessing Dad gave me, and the skill of the medical team it wasn't bad at all. 

I was super loopy when I woke up. I think I asked my nurse the same thinks like 8 times. But I'm not sure because I can't really remember much of that. I was super happy when I woke up. It was like euphoric. I was thinking to myself "of course I can go back to school and work tomorrow. What was the doctor thinking?" 

I left the PACU and they wheeled me back to my little room where Mom was waiting. I was just talking and feeling fine until 20 minutes after I left the recovery room. And then it all the sudden hit. I was nauseated, I had a headache, I could tell my BP was super low and I just felt miserable. I was completely out of it. My blood pressure dropped to the low 80's over the low 50's which isn't that great/ I was pasty white (even more white than usual if you can imagine that... ;) and my nurse thought I was going to faint. 

But they gave me 2 L of fluid to help get my pressures up. I think the low blood pressure was caused both by blood loss and because I have never had narcotics before so my body wasn't quite used to those...

But after a few hours I started to feel better again. 

This is pretty close to when I almost fainted:

And this is me with my "mustache" bandage. 

The nurse told me that now I know what it feels like to be a man... 

Thankfully I'm doing a ton better today. I still think I want to go to work if I can convince Dad to let me :) 

And through this whole experience I have been so grateful for the amazing friends that I have. When Brittany found out I was having surgery she immediately called me and asked what was up. Rachel, James, Anna, Caleb, Whitney, and Spencer were all praying for me. And James and Rachel got up super early to send me a good luck text. It was so sweet. And then Brittany came over last night and brought me ice cream and just talked. And then Caleb, James, Whitney, and Peter came over to watch Star Wars with me. And they brought me my favorite candy-Reese's peanut butter cups. Best candy ever invented :) I felt so blessed. Thanks guys! 

And of course my parents were completely wonderful. These are the flowers Dad bought for me before I came home:

So now I just need heal quickly so I can pass my Spanish class and train my student replacement at my job.  1 week and 6 days guys! 

Interesting Development.

So remember that one time when I went to the jaw specialist back in August of last year? It was to make sure that I could get my wisdom teeth out fine. I ended up finding out several things:

1-I didn't need my wisdom teeth out before I left on my mission

2- I had something called ligamentous laxity. Which is basically really weak ligaments. My jaw bones were fine. But I still needed to go see a jaw physical therapist.

3-my right maxillary sinus was completely clogged.

I was surprised at the last point but I didn't do anything about it. Dr. Guinn recommended that I see an ENT, but when I went to get my pre mission physical I told the NP that I saw but she didn't seem to care much about it. She said that unless it was symptomatic I didn't need to do anything about it. So I didn't.

However, in January I got a super terrible sinus infection. I was in so very much pain. My upper right molars hurt like heck, I could hardly walk because every time I took a step it felt like someone was pounding on my head, and leaning over was death. I was frustrated. I had just started block classes and couldn't afford to get sick. I prayed and prayed that it would go away. I couldn't do school in that much pain. Eventually the pain went away but I still felt that I needed to get it checked.

But I procrastinated until yesterday. I set up an apt with an ENT and went in to see him. After an eternal wait in the waiting room (where a kind, somewhat odd old man gave me a valentine) I met with the Doctor and showed him my previous x-ray. He was concerned. He told me that they would take another x-ray right then and hopefully it had improved and I would be fine to leave on my mission. However, the x-ray did not show any improvement. It was still just as bad (if not worse) than it was in August. He came in and sat down and said "this is quite a problem. Although you are not currently experiencing any symptoms, over time-probably a couple years-your sinus could cave in on itself. This would change your facial structure and your eye could sink back into your socket. I would recommend getting surgery to open the drainage passage and clear out the fluid or tissue that is clogging it up."

Um, WHAT?! That was just a little to take in all at once. I thought I asked lots of good questions and tried to hurry and think about it and I decided that I might as well go through with it now so I can leave on my mission in time. So I said yes.

And now I'm scheduled for surgery tomorrow. I'll find out the time today. Thankfully it is a Same Day Surgery so I should be able to be in and out in 3-4 hours and then hopefully fine by next week. I just pray that there aren't any complications!

Exciting, huh?

Thank goodness for toilet paper

No, this post isn't what you're thinking it is. Let me explain:

The past several days (I think since about Thursday of last week) I have been sick. Yuck. I've been miserable. It usually is the worst in the mornings, goes away a tiny bit in the early afternoon, and then comes back full force around 5. It has included super bad headaches (I mean like the kind that throb behind your eyes, that make you feel like your head is going to explode, and that make you gasp in pain if you have to lean over because of the pressure), sore throat, swollen lymphnodes, and an extremely annoying runny nose.

On Sunday I was going through old notes/letters and found a letter from my older brother Quincy. I wish I had the letter to quote, but it was from when he was on his mission in Brazil. He told me how he had a cold and had already used a half a roll of toilet paper and his nose was all chapped. I laughed (harder than necessary) because I could totally relate.

On Monday night I had my dance class. This was one of the times I had a headache described above. I had had a runny nose all day, but as I began to dance I realized that there would be a problem. Having to spin fast and hard is not a very good combination with an extremely runny nose. I was worried. Yeah, pretty disgusting. But don't worry, it didn't happen. I was blessed. Monday night I went over to Taylor's apartment to study and the whole time there I was blowing my nose. The problem was that they didn't have any tissues, only toilet paper. But that was obviously in their bathroom and I wasn't super comfortable (because of the layout of their apt) walking back there to get some. So Taylor kept having to get me more. and more. and more. I felt extremely gross and unattractive.

Tuesday I had all my nursing classes. After 3 hours straight of ICU I think my classmates were ready to shoot me. I literally blew my nose about every 10 minutes. That's a lot. With just an hour break in between, the same pattern occurred through the three hours straight of our Psych class. Sorry guys! As I walked out of class I walked down to the bathroom for about the 10th time that day to wash my hands and restock on the tp. I was pretty fed up. I had used definitely more than half a roll of toilet paper by this time and my nose hurt like the dickens. As I grabbed more toilet paper, grumbling to myself about how horrid being sick is, I had a sudden positive, surprising thought. "Thank goodness for toilet paper!"

And that is the source for this title.

Food

I've thought a lot about food in the past 6 months or so--It's impact on society and on individual lives. With my Mom having lots of health issues with food allergies and being on different rotation diets and having to watch so carefully what she eats I've noticed food a lot more. I've noticed more how I feel when I fast. I've noticed how I feel when I'm full. I've noticed how I feel when I eat too many sweets, or too much greasy food, or too much junk food in general (although I think sweet and greasy about covers all junk food...).

I know we all have to eat, but I think as a society as a whole our concept of food is drastically skewed:
The The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) said that up to 24 million people in the United States suffer from an eating disorder. And those numbers are just rising. It is a pervasive plague in our society that you have to be thin, that you have to diet, that you must lose weight. It affects people from a super young age. It can damage someone's self esteem in a terrible way.

At the same time, however, we have record rates of obesity in our nation. According to the CDC, 1/3 of all Americans are obese. Not just overweight, OBESE! People eat junk food all the time, our concept of nutrition is almost null, and eating out is becoming way too common.

In my office I have several co workers who are trying to diet. They watch the calories they eat, they talk often of the things they can't eat anymore, they groan when people put candy in the candy bowl and often eat something they shouldn't and then beat themselves up over it for days. How miserable!

I have been blessed to grow up being taught that my worth is not dependent upon what I look like or how much I weigh. I know that I am a daughter of God and that He doesn't care what size I am. However, I still am affected by this deadly disease of always being conscious of what the scale says, how thin I should be, what my legs should look like, or what I should and shouldn't eat.

And I've wondered and wondered why we have these two extremes. Why is our society so obsessed with food? Either eating too much, too little, or just junk. Here are some of my thoughts and ways I want to change:

One of the problems is how we describe or define people. How many times do you hear a description of someone that involves their weight? 'She's super tall and skinny' or 'He's overweight' or 'She's a little bit bigger.' I hear it all the time. I do it all the time. We have made it a part of how we describe someone. And I wonder if that affects how we feel about ourselves. I want to be known as super tiny or skinny. Does that have a mental and an emotional affect on how I feel about myself?
~I am making a goal to never describe someone by their weight. It doesn't do any good. There are many other ways to describe a person, and maybe looking deeper than outward appearance will help our overall view of others.

A continuation of that is something that everyone talks about and no one seems to know what to do to change it is how pervasive the message is that your appearance gives you your worth. It is infiltrated into everything we see on TV, in movies, in magazines, in ads, in songs, etc. It's awful. You only see bodies that are completely unrealistic and our goal is based on something we can never attain. I don't know how we can change this. But I do know that we need to stop talking about weight, and looks, and weight, and weight...and start emphasizing our real worth.

In one of my classes a teacher began talking about the antique shows. You know the ones where people bring stuff out of their attics to see how much they're worth? He talked about the people that analyze them and kind of guess what they would be worth. He then asked the question, "What really determines an objects worth?" People began throwing out ideas but everyone realized they weren't right, and finally someone said it. People can estimate or guess or bet on how much something is worth, but in the end, the worth of an object is the price someone is willing to pay for it.

Christ has already paid for us completely with His life. That is what determines our worth. And nothing we can do will change it, because the price has already been paid. We are sons and daughters of God and we will always remain that way. That is what really matters. That is where our worth comes from. Not in how we look or how much we weigh or how many cute clothes we have. This needs to be taught to every person in our society. It is so necessary and so important.

~One of my goals is to start focusing on peoples character traits and attributes instead of their outward appearance and base my compliments on that instead of how they look.

Anyways. This was a ramble of a post. But it is something I have thought a lot about.

A penny for your thoughts?

Weak ankles aka Ligamentous Laxity

I always wanted to be like a Disney princess, but I probably never would have picked this way:

(Just the weak ankles part. I don't have a ridiculously skinny waist or crazy impossible hair that stays perfectly the same all the time.)

I guess Meg isn't even a princess, so it doesn't really count...

But this morning I had an appointment with the jaw specialist (the one who wasn't covered by my insurance. Lame!) and he told me that I had weak ligaments. This in turn leads to excessive use of muscles. Which leads to exhaustion of muscles and tension and pain and messed up joints. This cleared up many things:

-This is why I pop all the time. And I'm being totally serious. When I walk my hips are popping. When I dance my back pops. When I do push ups my shoulders pop. When I walk up or down stairs my knees pop. When I chew (haha, or kiss) my jaw pops. Awkward, I know. 

-Although my ligaments are messed up, my jaw bones are 'pristine.'

-I can get my wisdom teeth out whenever I want because it won't affect my jaw at all. YES! 

-I have to stop sleeping on my stomach. How can I do that?! Oh well, I guess it's good preparation for pregnancy anyways, right? haha

-I have to stop clenching my jaw!! 

-I still can't chew gum or eat chewy foods (like bagels or beef jerky). 

-There really isn't much to do for this except physical therapy. I never thought I could do physical therapy for my jaw. So I need to see a physical therapist now. 

-The x-ray also revealed that my right maxillary sinus is completely, totally blocked up. Yeah, that's kind of a problem. I'm supposed to see an ENT doctor for that. (Too many doctor visits!)

Hopefully this won't delay my papers too much! 

Hey Sugar, I like your eyebrows...

That title has nothing to do with this post, except for the word SUGAR. (It's from the Vocal Point song "I Can't See Me Stalking Nobody But You:" "Hey Sugar, I like your eyebrows! Nah, that's kinda weird." anyways...!)

In my office we have a candy bowl, which happens to sit on my desk right, in front of my face. We have a rotation every week for who fills up the bowl and this week it was the students' turn. I was not very smart and bought my very favorite hard candy (left) and my favorite chocolate candy (below) to put in the bowl. This resulted in me eating waaaayyyy too much candy yesterday. It was ridiculous. As a result I have decided to go on a sugar fast. Yep, I'm going to do it again. For reals this time. I know I bombed March 1st, but we're going to pretend I didn't and I'm doing no sugar for all of March. The only exception to this is dates, but I have a feeling that my dating spree is coming to an end soon so that won't be much of a problem. 


I mentioned this to a friend and he started worrying that I was doing it for fat reasons. Although I probably should have that as a reason, it isn't at all. I really do this so that I can increase my self-control. I have an issue with self-control. Sometimes I can be so very good and other times I fail miserably. Lately I've been failing. So in hopes that having self-control in one area of my life will benefit every other area, I'm starting a sugar fast. And it makes me feel healthier too, so that's a good thing.

Anyone want to join me? I am so determined to do this wholly and completely. No more late night ice cream trips with Taylor, no more brownies with Brittany, and no more snacking all day from that blasted candy bowl. Bring it.

*p.s. It was kind of really difficult to look up a yummy picture of reese's peanut butter cups to post here. Aren't they heavenly? Goodness. 

Headaches.

I have a headache.

I have had a headache every day for the past two weeks.

I've had headaches on a consistent basis since I started high school. 5 1/2 years.

Sometimes they make me feel like I want to die, make me nauseated, make my eyes hurt, or make me cry, and all of them give me horrible pain in my head. 

I've been to doctors about this several times and been told that it was most likely related to my

• blood sugar
• TMJ problems (temporomandibular joint problems)
• eyes
• stress level
• and misalignment of the rest of my body.

Treatments suggested have included eating every two hours to maintain my blood sugar; take Ibuprofen on a consistent basis, stop eating chewy foods or foods that are hard to chew (I can't decided if that's redundant or not) to decrease inflammation to my jaw; exercise more and do something like yoga or meditation to relieve stress; stretch a lot to realign my body; keep a headache journal, drink more water, try to avoid trigger foods, get more sleep, get massages (this one would be great), etc etc. 

I haven't followed any of these "interventions" for very long (some of them not at all), because they don't seem to make a difference. But I'm getting so SO sick of these. I think I'm going to try a little harder now.