Increased journaling=decreased blogging

The past few days I have been writing in my journal lots. And thus most of my impetus to blog has drastically decreased.  Add to that the fact that my past several blog posts have been lame and I can't write what I mean and it's basically gone. But oh well.

I saw a dog chasing a laser the other night and I was dying because of this meme. :) 

I have had an awesome week. It's been beautiful. Except for that one day and for my Spanish test. I'm super happy (although somewhat confused) and excited. February will be rather important this year I think... ;)

I've been able to hang out with some super awesome people a lot lately. And have good conversations. And giggle lots haha.

And guess what?! I get to go snowboarding again this weekend. I'm pretty excited. Like really. When I got asked to go, on the inside I was like WAHOOOOOO!! YESSSS!!! but on the outside I was much more reserved and just nodded, smiled, and said, yeah :)

Hopefully I'll be able to snowboard down the mountain more than fall down it this time...

This is totally going to be me:

Riiiight....

Life is so interesting. It never goes how we planned. The past four years of my life have been quite monumental. I have changed drastically. And things happened that I never, in my wildest dreams, would have  guessed would happen. I dated someone seriously when I was super young (I didn't think I would have a boyfriend until I was at least 20 or 21. Hello 18 year old in a serious relationship). I almost got married. I didn't get married and experienced one of the hardest trials of my life. I learned much about my Savior, about His love, and about the Atonement's power to heal hearts. I learned how judgmental I have been my whole life and started on a process (that is still continuing) of learning to see people beyond their lifestyle and to love them. I got accepted into the nursing program at BYU. I went through a completely retarded relationship that taught me so much about having more confidence in myself. I went to Alaska :) I dated seriously again, and again broke it off because I didn't see potential in this relationship either. I got a mission call :) I went through the temple. And I'm learning Spanish (who'da thought?). 

And as I have pondered over these life experiences and how different it has been than what I thought I needed and wanted, I have finally been able to say that I am grateful that things didn't go as I had planned. I am grateful for the heartwrenching pain I have experienced. I am grateful for the increased understanding I have gained. And especially for my strengthened and broadened testimony in my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

And here I am again, completely unsure of what the future holds, but certain that God is planning something amazing for me. Even if I still want it my way right now :) And it will include heartache, and pain, and frustration, and confusion, and emotion, and happiness, and laughter, and knowledge, and love. And it will be beautiful.

Yes.

Sometimes I fb stalk people excessively. And I really mean excessively.

Sometimes I get jealous (but in a very "I'm so happy for you!" way) of my beautiful friend Laura and her extremely attractive bf KC and their adventures in Europe and how happy they are together! I want to feel in love like that. Or maybe I just want to travel Europe. Or have a hot bf? I don't know. All three are fabulous :)

Sometimes I don't know how I feel about boys. What else is new?

Sometimes I care too much about what other people think of boys that I like.

Sometimes I ignore little things that bother me about guys because I don't want to have to admit that I may not like them as much as I thought a few days ago. Or maybe because I want so badly to just really really like someone that I don't want to think about reasons I may not be quite as attracted to them? I don't really know. But I wish I could just be perfectly honest with myself, as well as boys I like.

And I finally told him that I started my mission papers. I just dropped it very casually in a conversation that didn't go at all how I expected it to. That was probably a blessing. I don't really know how I feel now.

And sometimes I stay up way too late.

Goodnight!

These days

The past few days have been great :) I've milked the cows and gone out to change water with my Dad. I'd forgotten how much I love that. Going out to West Mountain is so peaceful. It's fun, and is often an adventure.

This is what I look like when I get sprayed directly in the face with a pretty powerful sprinkler riser... 

And sometimes I get my shirt caught on the wheel lines and it riiiiips. And gives me a beautiful scratch. 

I finally set up an appointment to see the doctor about my foot. Yahoo! And I told my Frisbee captain that I'm not going to be able to make it to the Cedar City Summer Games tournament. As much as I wanted to go to that, I'm relieved that I decided not to. I know it's the wisest choice. I won't hurt my foot worse, I'll save like $50, and I'll get to do a lot of fun things this weekend that I wasn't going to be able to do. Overall I'm glad about it.

I was able to go to the temple today. I love the temple. I have yet to feel an appreciation for it like I want, but I love it nonetheless. I don't feel like I come out on a spiritual high, or that I get all the answers to my prayers, but I do feel like it helps me feel peaceful.

And yeah. Life is fabulous! :)

Stalking & Being Sheltered

Is it okay to stalk someone on the internet? I do it quite a bit to guys that ask me out that I don't know, but sometimes I feel a little guilty when I find a lot of personal stuff out there. Then I get worried about what people can find about me. Not that anyone would have any reason to stalk me or anything, but just in case...
I've searched my name lots of times and every time I'm shocked at how much information comes up. A name can link you to a lot of things... I found pictures, my whole family history, wedding registries (that is the most annoying-anyone know how to take those down?), race times for any race I've ever been in, MVHS honor roll (haha, high school honor roll... YES! ;), all my google buzz statuses, my fb profile, my address, my age, DOB, my friends on Google +, concert rosters, a place I volunteered at, and lots of information on my family. Oh yeah, and it has all the recent people I've become friends with on fb. That is all just slightly disturbing. But heck, what is anyone going to do with that information anyway? When I first started this blog, I left it searchable. Then I realized that if I ever put someone's full name on here (I should just never do that-I think I'll go back and change that right now) my blog will come up. So now it is no longer included in google searches. I saw yesterday the craziness of finding someone's blog from a name that they wrote in a post. Anyways. The internet is not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. That's all ;)

On another note...
I've been having a lot of conversations lately about growing up in Utah and being "sheltered" my whole life. So many people have teased me about being the naive, sheltered, Utah Mormon girl. Being taught at home only compounded that problem. But is it a problem? I know I've been sheltered. I rarely heard swearing, I didn't watch much TV, I knew nothing about movie stars and singers, etc. I definitely was not exposed to how evil the world can be. I was told it was out there though. BYU is still a very sheltered place. However, being in nursing (hospital environments, public health clinics, the Prison, etc) has "opened my eyes" :)

I've thought a lot about this. If I had not been so sheltered, if I had known more swear words, if I had seen how horribly evil things can be, would I have been a better person? Would I have been more prepared to cope with life? Would I have a stronger testimony? Would my relationships be different? Would I be more confident? I believe the answer to all of those is no. I don't think it would have benefited me in any way. So what is the big deal? Am I still naive? Yes. Does that make me a lesser person? No. Does that make me a worse student, nurse, sister, friend? I don't think so. Will I eventually have to deal with it? Yep. But why is earlier any better than later? If my testimony or my confidence or my foundation in life was based on other people, that might be a problem. But it isn't. And the foundation it is based upon will never change.

"remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your  foundation;...a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall" (Helaman 5:12).

There is definitely a need to be able to interact with all kinds of people, to be confident and self-assured, to have good people skills, and be socially competent. But that doesn't come from knowing more about pop culture or being desensitized to inappropriateness. That comes by interacting with people often.

In the long run, it is all based upon our willingness to have faith in Christ, our willingness to be taught, to be humble enough to learn, and to be sensitive enough to be guided down the paths He wants us to go. And that can happen no matter your background-whether you've been as sheltered as I have been or weather you're an experienced veteran to the craziness and evil of the world.

Any thoughts?

Pictures worth 1000 words...

I took this picture at the beginning of March I believe. It was still cold and snowy outside, but in our garage I found this beautiful hope of spring, a little peach tree blossoming. 

I think it rather humorous that this pitcher is in our kitchen. My Mom thought she could scrape the "Bud Light" logo off of it, but it ended up being more durable than she thought... 

These are our little sprouts! I believe these are cucumbers and you can see the seeds still on the tips of the leaves. They grew from such little, tiny seeds. Isn't it amazing? 

Rachel has been friends with Sarah and I for basically our whole lives. And we've always wanted to go horse riding together. So we finally did it this last Friday! It just took us about 10 years...

p.s. This is our new horse, Lily. She's awesome. 

I love babies. And I love nieces and nephews. This is my beautiful new niece, Ivy Louella Roberts. 

Luke is definitely a Grandpa's boy ;) 

They're learning lots of cool games on the ipad together. 

And here we are right now. Currently. As I type this ;) 

Happy Mother's Day everyone! 

February 10, 2012

Ingenious title, isn't it? Here are some of my musings from the past few days:

This song has been stuck in my head for about a week now. Seriously. And I'm so sick of it! I mean, the song is good, but it gets slightly annoying after you sing the "I will stand by you, I will help you through when you've done all you can do and you can't cope. I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight and I won't let go" part about 5 times a day. So here you go--you can get it stuck in your head too ;)

Sometimes I feel super sorry for myself when I'm on campus from 8 until 8 and then I see people still studying while I'm leaving and I grow up and realize that I really don't have that hard of a schedule.

A mission is seeming more and more appealing. And no, this is not me trying to get away from dating, like so many boys think is the motivation for sisters to go on missions. That's not at all. In fact, I think I would really miss dating and boys and flirting. But I feel like a mission is such a good opportunity--one which I will NEVER have again (couple missions are NOT the same)--and there is no reason I shouldn't take advantage of this opportunity. What do you think? I'm definitely not decided on it, but I'm going to keep thinking about it. A definite possiblity.

Sometimes I hear rumors from people that I am dating someone. It always makes me laugh. I think "oh really? Tell me about him. This is definitely news to me..." :)

Nice surprises mean so much! Even if it is just OJ and a doughnut on my desk in the morning when I get to work. I can't believe how thoughtful people can be sometimes.

Valentines day is so funny. I hope that I can always love it (recently I've found myself being slightly cynical and annoyed by it. I hate that! I am going to make it super fun this month. And I know of a surprise that I get to help out with... WAHOO!

I am slightly jealous of all those going to the Big Band dance tomorrow night. I really want to go to that. Oh well. Ward talent show anyone? ;)

I need to go back to work (I always take a too long of a lunch break). Okay, see ya!

I wish I could think of a cool title

Tonight I'm a little sad. I'm not sure why. Does that every happen to you? You feel sad, happy, embarrassed, or uneasy and you don't know why or what triggered it? Most often for me it's a sadness that I can't figure out. But I think tonight it has to do a little bit with being lonely. I saw a few names on a fb picture that I know from high school, people that I wanted to be friends with but never was, and I remembered again how weird and non-social I was then (some of you may think that I'm still like that, and I am a little, but I've definitely gotten better ;). I saw random things that reminded me of Matt. I saw a lot of cute couples today that made me feel happy for them but a little bit lonely on the inside. I thought about how much I miss so many of my friends on missions.

Something that has been a little upsetting to me lately is how much I've changed since those above-mentioned boys-now-turning-into-men left. I worry that when they get letters from me, or when they get home, they will be so disappointed in the person I have become. I miss my old self a lot. I'm not the cheerful, always positive girl I was before. I have changed SO MUCH since high school. Hopefully a lot of those changes have been good, have made me a better person, but I fear that in a lot of areas the opposite has occurred.

Sometimes I feel like the lessons I'm learning now are being taught because I forgot them from before. But oh well. I can't do anything about that now except work a little harder, and try a little more to be the best person I can be. One thing I have learned, in a much more personal way, is how much the Atonement means for me in my life. How much I need that healing power, that balm in Gilead. And how grateful I am that I have a loving Heavenly Father who watches over me always and who wants the very best possible for His daughter.

Sorry, this probably should have been a personal journal entry, but typing is faster and I want to go to bed sooner. I guess most of my blog posts should be journal entries. For those few people who may perhaps read this I apologize for how personal some of these are.

Ok, goodnight!

A day in the life of Bekah

Today was quite the interesting day. Lots of different emotions all over the place. I did well on a test--that was fantastic! I had a wonderful conversation about how we are all human, how being tempted is not a sin, and how Christ was tempted in all things to enable him to succor us. Jesus "was in all points tempted like as we are" (Hebrews 4:15). And He endured that because He loves us.

I went to work (and was in so much pain I thought I would die) and felt like my co-workers don't really like me anymore. That was frustrating. But then I got some good things done. I missed Matt dreadfully and want so badly to know how he is doing, but then had an assurance again today that what happened was the right thing (why hasn't he written a blog post for such a long time? I hate how nervous it is making me!). I worked until 5 and then went to the Library to work on a presentation and was there until 10:00. Then went over to Laura's house to work on our Pharmacology midterm until 11:00. Then I came home at 11:30, ate some food, talked with my sisters, and am now getting ready to go to bed. Like I said, it was an interesting day. 

I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't really want anything right now. I used to want to get married, but that desire is gone. I used to want to go on a mission, but some reason I don't anymore. I used to want to go out of the country on a study abroad, but I lack that desire too. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? Oh well. Something that I've said again and again in my posts is that I have to have the faith that Heavenly Father is in control. As long as I do my best, everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to. So no need to worry, right? :) 

Ok, I'm going to go to bed now. 

Blah

I keep having these urges to write posts about certain things, but by the time I have time to write a blog post I always forget what I wanted to write about...

Today I had clinical. It was fantastic :) I worked in Same Day Surgery, a unit where people get admitted, go through surgery, and get discharged to home all in one day (granted that there are no complications). So, I got to see that whole process. I went with the patient through surgery, watched the surgery, went with them to PACU (Post Anesthesia Care Unit where we make sure they are coming out of sedation okay), and then went with them back to Same Day to recover until they have high enough oxygen saturation on room air to be sent home. It was so great! Because I got to watch surgery I was able to wear the green scrubs everyone wears with anything having to do with surgeries (or doctors). They have to have everything as clean as possible so we can't wear our own. When you wear green scrubs you mix in SO much better with the other techs, anesthesiologists, circulating nurses, and doctors because we're all wearing the same thing! And the attitude people have toward you is so different than when your scrubs immediately give away that you're just a student. It was great. I got to watch a super cool surgery where pieces of bone were sawed off and taken out. Anyway, that was rambling. Just know it was really cool :)

Oh, here's one of the things I wanted to write about: love tanks. I've been reading The 5 Love Languages and it is so good! I really, really like it. But I feel like there is something that he doesn't mention one bit that I think is so important. He talks a lot about how a person's "love tank" needs to be filled and how we fill our spouse's (I know, not super applicable to me) love tank by speaking their "love language": quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, or receiving gifts. I don't know what my primary love language is yet, I'm trying to figure that out still. But he doesn't talk about a person's need to love. I believe we have a great need to be loved, just like he says, but I think we also have an equally important need to love someone. Love is a very motivating force, an immense power, and when we feel like our love tank to be loved and our love tank to love are both full, we have experienced something beautiful. That is what can make life complete. Obviously that doesn't only come through a romantic relationship, but I think that can be where it helps us feel the most fulfilled (unless the love of a parent beats that, I don't know yet). Anyway,  that's all I want to write about that now, even though I have a lot more that I've thought about.

Oh, and guess what? I finally got the guts to refuse a date with a boy I didn't want to go out with. And to stop another boy from asking me out. I felt very rude in the moment, but afterwards I felt SO relieved. Yes!

And now I'm going to go to bed.

Goodnight :)