Cliff jumping.

Sometimes I write posts at night. When I'm really tired and upset. And then I wake up the next morning and read them and I'm like, "Oh my heck! Grow up and stop being so dramatic and emotional." I apologize for the last two posts, no longer posted, that were like that. I'll try to be a bit more mature in future frustrations.

Last night I made the statement that I wasn't in the habit of cliff jumping. Now, this wasn't really talking about real cliff jumping, although I don't do that either. This was more about taking chances. Making the jump or leap into an exciting new "adventure." Being willing to leave security and safety in pursuit of something even better. Even if the opens you up to a very high chance of hurting someone else. And getting hurt yourself.

I've thought about this all day. Was that really what I meant? Did I really want to say that? I think I've come to the conclusion that it was true. However, it was also false.

I felt super inadequate after that statement. Like I had just failed some sort of a test. Am I really just a boring person that is never going to find the joy that requires giving up emotional safety? What is wrong with me?!

However, and perhaps it's because I can't handle that thought, I've decided that I don't think that's true.

I'm not very much of a spontaneous person. This trait has prompted many responses. One of which (the meanest) was that I don't have a personality. I'm a pretty quiet person. I don't do adventurous things often. Not because I don't want to, or wouldn't like to, but because I care more about being a good student, getting good grades, doing things that are conducive to meaningful conversations, or feeling like I'm helping enough at home. I don't often have time to plan-or do-crazy, usually expensive, adventurous things. So my life is pretty calm and predictable.

Hence, my statement is true: I'm not in the habit of going cliff jumping.

My dating experiences have been extremely varied but somehow all exactly the same. I start to like someone. I'm not super sure how much I like him. We go on several dates. My opinion of him varies on a daily basis. Sometimes I like him and think that I want to date him and sometimes I don't like him at all. But we keep going on dates because I'm still unsure. This progresses until he is super invested and asks me to date him. Then one of two things happens. Either I realize in that instant that I don't actually like him (which could or could not be true depending upon why I suddenly think I feel that way) and I tell him that I don't want to date. Or, I think. And think. And pray. And think. And my thoughts go something like this: "He really likes me. He's super sweet. He is a wonderful person. And he treats me so well. Why shouldn't I date him? Besides, I would like to make him happy, and maybe I really do like him more than I think." So I say yes, and we officially begin dating.

I hate the first option. Because if I've spent that much time with someone I usually really begin to care about him. I appreciate his opinion and I really and truly value his friendship. If I say I won't date him we say an awkward goodbye and then I never see him again. And if I do it is always awkward and he always seems super cold and aloof. And I hate it. Because before we were such good friends.

The second option has proven to be almost worse. We officially begin to date, and he is super excited about it, and I try to be excited about it, but I'm still constantly trying to decide if I even like him! This makes me extremely stressed all the time. I don't really know how to act because I don't want to send the wrong message, but we're dating for crying out loud! If I don't like him then I've already sent the wrong message. And I feel horrid about myself. So we date for a few weeks or even for several months. And all the while I'm vacillating between wanting to love him, having a lot of fun, being stressed, and wondering if I even like him. Time with him means time away from homework and family and sleep. Stress means less quality sleep, exhaustion, and moodiness. I get super cranky. I don't feel like I'm on top of my life. I struggle in my classes. I struggle with my relationships with my other friends and with my family. I feel guilty because my scripture study goes down the drain and all I'm doing is reading a chapter before bed, being so tired that I'm not getting anything out of it. I try so hard to put effort into the relationship. I come to care about him so much and to want so badly to make him happy but I feel like I'm being dishonest. So eventually we break up. And he is hurt. And I am hurt plus left with an extremely guilty conscience for going into the relationship being so unsure. If I had just said no in the first place, when I felt like I should, I would have saved both of us so much pain.

At each repeat of this second option, my dislike of dating just gets stronger. And my fear of hurting someone increases. And it just makes the next relationship even worse. And more frustrating. And more guilt ridden.

But this isn't because I don't want to get married. It's not because I don't want to take a chance. It's not because I think dating isn't worth it. It's because so far I haven't wanted to jump off in the first place. I did it hesitantly, unsure, and a tiny bit irked. And then it's more like a rough tumble down a steep, rocky hill. And it never works out at the bottom.

But my statement is false. I still am not in the habit of cliff jumping. But that doesn't mean I don't want to. It's not because I'm not that type of person. It's because so far I haven't been convinced that I have found the person I'm ready to jump with. There are a lot of theories about why I haven't found that person, and most of them center around my attitude, not the person. I think something that I subconsciously do prevents these great boys from becoming that person for me. But no longer am I going to jump (or try to jump and then screech and slide) with someone when I'm not sure if I want to. I don't have to be sure if it will work out, I don't have to be sure that I won't get hurt, or that I won't hurt him. I just have to be sure that I'm willing to risk it because I want to jump bad enough.

And when I do, it's going to be awesome. And I will be the type of person that will grab his hand and jump. And it's gonna be a big, flying leap :)

And this post was still dramatic. Dang it. Sorry! 

Self-reflection

I was reading a really interesting post by a friend of a friend (I wonder how many times I've benefited from being a blog stalker...) about introversion and extroversion. It has made me really think about what I am. There aren't people who are just simply one or the other, so I've tried to analyze where I fall on that spectrum. I took lots of quizzes for fun that asked things like:

1-Are you usually the life of the party?
2-Do you think before you speak?
3-Do you often send calls to voice mail?
4-Do you like to express things in writing?
5-Are you a hard person to get to know?
6-Do you have many good friends?
7-Are you a better listener or do you love to talk?

etc.

But I don't know how I feel about those questions. Some of them I honestly didn't know how to answer. I laughed at the 3rd one, since I do that all the time :) Number 5 was the hardest one for me to answer.

I love to talk. I really, honestly do. I could talk your ear off if you were at all interested in something I had to say. So I always feel like I talk too much. Partly because of that, I always feel like I'm too open with other people. I just express my thoughts too freely. I have always felt like people get to know me so fast that there isn't anything else interesting about me to find out. Boring!

But the last couple months I have had several people tell me that they feel like I never opened up to them. That they feel like they are the one that has to always keep conversation going. That I'm really hard to get to know.

And I honestly don't know how understand that. I don't know how I could be more open. I don't know how I could be easier to get to know. I didn't think I was closed or cold to other people at all. I thought I just spilled it all out way too fast and people got sick of me. Now I wonder if there isn't as much of my personality to get to know as people think. Who knows?

Number 7 didn't make sense to me either. I have been told by many people that I am a good listener. And I have people open up to me a lot. But on the other hand, like I said before, I love to talk...

I found this article very interesting. You should read it :)

In the aforementioned blog, there was also a post about color personalities. And so I started looking up that as well. I believe I am a very blue person. And sadly I match so many of the 'blue' flaws to a T. However, I've realized this about myself: I love to be thinking about things. I love to have a problem to work on or a concept to try to understand or a principle to ponder or a hypothesis to challenge and explore. I have found myself saying things like "I've been thinking about this tons lately" or "I keep thinking this" or "I need to go think about that some more" all the time.

Anyways, I still need to think about it more (haha, see?) but I think I need to get to know my personality better. Partly so I can be more comfortable with who I am but more so that I can become better, to learn new skills, to recognize my weaknesses.

Thoughts anyone? :)

I love love! ;)

Last night and this morning we watched North and South. It is definitely one of my very favorite movies/books of all time! If you haven't seen it, I would HIGHLY recommend it, and that's sayin a lot because I don't often recommend movies, let alone highly ;) Watching it reminded me that deep down I really am a ridiculous romantic (I have yet to enjoy cheesy romanticness in real life, so maybe it is just in fiction). I absolutely love Mr. Thornton. And I love Fredrick. I mean, how could you not? But Mr. Thornton definitely takes the cake. He almost is up to Mr. Knightly's level and that's kind of a big deal. For the past while I have not exactly enjoyed chic flicks as much as I used to, but today I did. I didn't have any of my (recent) usual thoughts at the end of the movie when they kiss and everything is happy ("Gross! I can't believe I ever did that!" or, "Their relationship is totally fake, things don't happen like that in real life," or. "I don't think I will ever feel that way..."). Instead, I was completely content with the beautiful way the movie ended, so pleased that I kind of squealed a little bit when they finally kissed (and I may have put my hand over my heart and sighed just a little bit). It was great, I was glad to have back my normal response to something so ridiculously beautiful and perfect and romantic!

These past few days have been fabulous. I haven't had class! Isn't that wonderful? I have had homework, however. Thank you nursing program for taking away my already too short 4 day break between fall semester and summer term... Here are some of the things I've done with my free time:

• Rode Patsy, our horse. She did so well. I cantered on her and it's probably been a year since I cantered on a horse. She was super responsive, too, so it was great. I am a little sore today though...
• Watched North and South
• Slept in
• Helped people move out of their apartments
• Started reading Ben-Hur. I have read this before but it has been a long time. However, it is a really long book so I don't know if I want to even try to finish it...
• Had good conversations
• Played the piano and sang a lot
• Wasted too much time on fb

Ok, that's about all :) And it's sad that I'm up again past midnight when I don't even have homework to do...

Goodnight! 

p.s. I think I've decided that when I text boys who are not in the same state as me, my regular texting inhibitions go away just a little bit. Is that bad? I guess I just feel safer because they can't ask me out no matter what I say. Haha, don't worry, I still am careful, just not quite as much. 

The dating game

I've decided that one of the most counter intuitive, really obnoxious, completely bothersome things in life is the dating game. But no matter how hard I try to not "play" this game, I inevitably fail. It is so ingrained into me that I don't know how to get out of it.

Currently I am referring to this silly phenomenon of the "hard to get" aspect of dating. When I like a boy and he ends up not showing as much interest as I would want, he immediately becomes more desirable to me. You always want what you can't get. However, the opposite is also true. If I am slightly interested in someone, willing to see where it goes, and it becomes apparent that he is much more interested than I am, or he makes it obvious that he likes me a lot. my interest in him automatically decreases. This is rather puzzling to me because I honestly don't know how I'll ever get married if this remains the case.

How do you evade this crazy cycle? Once upon a time (okay, quite a few times) there was a boy that I rather liked, and because I liked him I was always awkward around him. And because I was always awkward around him, it was obvious that I liked him. While I'm sure it's not the only reason, I think my obsession was so completely unattractive that he lost any interest he may once have had.

Prime example: There was a boy in my ward who I met once at ward prayer and I was very impressed with him. However, he was super "cool" and I had no hope of really getting to be his friend because I wasn't really at his level. And then a shocking event occurred. He got my number from the ward list and called me out of the blue to ask me on this super nice, really fun date. Boy was I flattered! The date was great except I was really awkward like I've been describing. However, something even more unimaginable happened. He asked me out for the next weekend! Haha, and then the next. Three dates in 3 weeks. I was attracted to him, and it was obvious. However, something not quite as obvious was my uncertainty of how much I liked him. Until he lost interest and stopped asking me out. Oh man, then I liked him a whole bunch. And I made that too obvious as well (very unintentionally, but I was really bad at hiding it--I hope my mask-your-emotions skills have increased since then). Anyways... the point of this story is this: I feel like because I made it very obvious that I was interested, and because I was shy and nervous and awkward because I was interested, he became uninterested. But when I go on dates with boys that I haven't placed in a "you're way too cool for me" category yet, I'm so much more myself and it usually turns out that they like me a lot more then I like them. And oh! how I wish I could remake the impression those other boys have of me. I think of it a lot when I see them every day in the library during finals week. I think this every time: "Please just think I'm at least a tiny bit attractive again, k? I know you thought it once, and I did something to ruin it. I don't want to date you, I just want your good opinion!"

Now I'm sounding like Elizabeth Bennett...

*View from 4:50 on....

Or copy and paste ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Hw97LpMTOOg#t=296s

High school

When I was in high school I was ridiculously shy. I could hardly talk to anyone I didn't know really well and I was completely intimidated by the super cool, amazing, talented people that were in many of my classes. I made such a horrible impression of myself and I'm sure they all were disgusted at how awkward I was. I hated it!

It has now been 3 and a half years since I finished high school. Since that time I've been at college for 3 years, had a real job, dated a lot, had serious relationships, become more confident and sure of myself, and basically changed so much how I view everything.

Over the past several months many of the people I knew in high school are getting home from their missions and I've seen a lot of them at my stake singles activities. I have already experienced the whole high school insecurities re surfacing when I see these people but I want so badly to re make the impression they have of me. I know that it doesn't really matter and that I will probably never be in a situation where I will really interact with them again, but for some reason I so wish that I could leave them with a good impression of me instead of the awkward, shy, weird girl from high school that has a lot of siblings and did home school for lots of her life. I hate that!

The opportunity will probably never present itself but it has caused me to reflect on how much I have changed since leaving Mountain View High School. I was so insecure, so shy, so fearful of doing something stupid back then. I obviously still have remnants of that, but I have changed SO much. I think two things have made the biggest difference:

1). Being a nursing major. This has forced me to be pro active, to do things that are uncomfortable, to take initiative, to interact with people from every social, cultural, and religious background. It has forced me to have confidence in myself or else I would never be able to take care of patients with serious illnesses. It has helped me learn to interact with co workers and patients on a more professional level, and it has forced me out of my comfort zone a lot.

2). Dating/relationships. Being in relationships has taught me a lot. I learned a lot about myself, about what I like and dislike, about what bothers me, about what I really care about, about who I am attracted to. Because of relationships I learned that I can do really hard things and come out the better person. I learned that it is so much better to be sure and confident in how fast things move and that it's perfectly fine to take a step back and re analyze and just do what I feel is best at the very beginning. I have become so much more confident in myself after dating so much.

There have obviously been so very many other factors involved. I am so glad that I have become more confident and although it is something I have to constantly be working on, it definitely gets easier the more I trust myself and stop worrying so much about what other people think.


On another vein...
A couple weeks ago Jason and I and another partner Christine had to do a project for our history of creativity class. Here are some pictures and our video :)

I was a little bit annoyed because I was late and Milla kept wanting to take pictures, but I'm glad she did. Whoops. Sorry Milla!

And here is our final project:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPayFxTiH94#t=1m6s

If you notice in the video there are missionaries all over at the temple scene. Two of them came up to me and asked me to be in a picture with them. It was funny :)

Bookworm

I used to be the biggest book worm. I would read all day, especially before I started high school. I would hide out in my favorite reading spots and stay there all afternoon (unless I got caught to finish my jobs). Some of those favorite places were the house roof, the old camper, sitting on the bathroom counter with my feet in the sink, the barn roof, the trampoline, and my bed. I would get so enthralled in the story that I would get cold or hot depending on the season in the book I was reading, feel happy or sad or frustrated or twitterpated along with the main characters of the book, and learn the lessons they learned. To give you a sense of how much I actually read...I read the whole 9 books of the Work and the Glory series in one week. I got quite sick of certain phrases the Gerald Lund uses, but I loved the books :)

However, since I began college I've probably read 10 (or less) non-assigned books. I've been working straight ever since the summer of 2009 and going to classes year round except summer of 2010. So Fall 2009, Winter 2010, Spring 2010, break (but still working ~35 hrs/week), Fall 2010, Winter 2011, Spring 2011, Summer 2011, Fall 2011, Winter 2012, and then Spring 2012. I've been just a touch busy. But I've realized that that is no excuse for not reading because I (obviously) spend lots of time on the internet, fb, blogs, etc. So I am going to make a book list that I can start on to read over this next summer. I don't have a ton yet, so I would love suggestions :)

Finish 1776 by David McCullough. I've started this twice and just haven't ever finished it. So I want to do that. I also have a really cool version of the book that has copies of all the famous documents/letter/maps from the revolutionary war. It's great.










To the Rescue: the biography of Thomas S. Monson. I have also started this book twice (I'm currently working on reading it right now) and really want to finish it. Even the few pages I read every couple days make me inspired to be a better person. It took me a while to like it because the writing style is very different than the biography of President Hinckley (which I LOVED) but it is definitely growing on me.







Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo. I have, once again, already started this book before but I never finished it. I've heard so many good things about this story. I know brief sections of it, and I know some of the soundtrack from the musical (and I love that) but I have never seen or read the whole thing. So I definitely want to finish this one over the summer.








Those are the three that I've been wanting to read for quite a while now. All of those are rather time consuming reading though. Any suggestions on good books that aren't quite as heavy reading?

I'm really excited to start reading again. I've been missing it in my life for a long time. I've had emphasized to me so many times in the last few weeks that life long learning is a fundamental part of being a member of the Church and that reading is one of the best ways to continue to learn. I know it helps my vocabulary, and my writing, and, obviously, my reading skills. So here's to a more literary summer! ;)

Like Shooting Stars

Tonight I saw two shooting stars. That makes number 2 and 3 for my whole entire life. It was pretty cool. The sky is pretty amazing tonight, just so you know. The stars are amazingly bright. The gorgeous display almost made me want someone to cuddle with as we watched the night sky. Not quite, but almost. ;)

This week has been rather interesting. I got an email about a week ago from the nursing advisement center telling me that I need to let them know by Monday, March 12 whether I am going to be deferring this next fall semester. I know, super early. Do you know what that means? That basically means that I need to decide if I am going to defer for a mission or not. However, I emailed the adviser to ask her about options if I have not yet made a decision and she is going to meet with me on Monday. So we'll see how that goes.

Other updates:
I've been super good with my sugar fast (except on dates) and I'm really liking it. I just feel healthier. However, I think I need to add in fast food. That has definitely been my downfall today. (But I was celebrating with Milla and Kathy for doing so well in their cello competition so I felt it was a little justified. It just makes it worse when I go two separate times because I was only with one of them each time. Whoops!)

I have gone out to milk at least once every day since February 29th. That is kind of a big deal. That means that I've milked a minimum of 10x in a row. I haven't done that in a long time. I used to go out night and morning, every day on an extremely consistent basis (animals are like that you know, they don't really let you take breaks) and then, depending on the semester and how busy I was, I only went out sporadically. And I'm really liking this as well. I didn't know it, but I think I missed being out with God's awe-inspiring creations for at least an hour a day. And it helps me feel like I've exercised a little bit...

School has gotten so very much harder these past two weeks and I think it will continue to be like that until the end of the semester. How I wish we had a spring break right about now! But the semester will be over in 5 1/2 weeks. Glorious. But I need to keep doing homework! Just keep studying, just keep studying, FOR EV VER!

It is daylight savings time tomorrow. Craziness. I hate losing an hour, so I need to go to bed asap.

This was a boring post. I don't really have the ability to write what I want to write right now. Maybe once I get my head on straight again I'll have more interesting posts.

Okedoke, ttfn, ta ta for now! ;)

Got Milk?

I love milking cows. But the caveat to that is I hate getting ready to go out to milk the cows. Once I'm out there I really enjoy it, but getting ready is sooooo hard! Especially when it's cold and snowy. Last night I went out to help Dad milk.


I may or may not have gone out to milk like this...

I had a conducting test that evening and I had already dressed up for it and really didn't want to change. So I didn't. But don't worry, I put a farm suit over the top so I wouldn't get my skirt dirty :)

My boots happened to have a big hole in them, so they didn't protect my feet very well when I was walking ankle deep in manure. And we'll just pretend that I didn't get wacked in the face by a manure covered tail... But I didn't even have to change when I got in from milking so I made it to my test on time :)

Did you know that pomegranates are super yummy? I had never really eaten one before the other day. Mostly they are just fun to play with because they are so cool! I had to document the moment:

Ok, I need to go to work. Just so you know, I've been doing so good this week! I turned in everything on time. I don't think you realize how big a miracle that is. The only thing that counts that I didn't get done was reading for one of my classes. But I turned in all my papers, did my presentation, finished one midterm, went to bed quite early (comparatively), went to a rehearsal and did my two critiques, got to clinical on time, and have just two midterms left this week. Yes! :)

Sleepy

Last week I made a very important discovery. I've made it before, but every time the realization makes more and more sense. Lack of sleep makes me grumpy!! It really really does!

When I was in high school I memorized a quote that I absolutely loved. It was written by Susanna Wesley:

"Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, takes off your relish for spiritual things, whatever increases the authority of the body over the mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may seem in itself." 

One night, as I was up really late completing an assignment, I was extremely grumpy. I had been on a sugar fast (those were a common occurrence in high school, it was awesome) and in my grumpy state I thought to myself, "I don't even care anymore, I'm just going to eat junk because I'm tired and I'm mad!" Suddenly it hit me how I was acting. I was being irrational. I knew I would regret breaking my sugar fast the next morning. I couldn't understand why I was so upset! This quote popped into my head and it hit me that sleep deprivation was NOT a good thing for me. It makes me stressed out. It makes me worried. It makes me horrible company. It takes away my motivation. It decreases my ability to concentrate. It weakens my resolve. It dampens my excitement on life by a whole lot. It makes me irritable.

I think the worst effect is that it decreases my ability to stay close to the Spirit. I get sad a lot easier. I don't care about reading my scriptures when I'm so exhausted. My motivation to be good isn't as strong. And this last week I felt it! I was so emotional. I did things I regret. I didn't do things that I should have and now I'm paying for it. Definitely.

So I'm going to do better. No more staying up past midnight. I know that isn't very late for a college student, but when I get up at 6:30 some days and 5:00 others, I have to get more sleep. Staying up isn't a benefit at all, even if I'm finishing up an assignment. I will get up early if I don't finish it, not stay up later. Starting this week.

Argh.

I think one of the most frustrating things in writing is not being able to spell out sound effects. (Those lovely noises I sometimes make that make me sound like a wild animal). But argh is the best I can do for how I'm feeling right now...

Do you ever have those days when you don't want to do anything? When nothing is appealing to you, even your usual favorite things? When boys are dumb and complicate your life (even though you know that the night before and prob in a few hours they could very possibly be great again) and you just don't want to worry about ANY of them? I'm in one of those moods right now and I'm sooooo frustrated! It may or may not have to do with the fact that I've been a horrible person when it comes to communicating with boys and hence I've hurt some people without meaning to and I still don't know how to fix it. And I don't know what I want to fix. That's the hardest part. Who am I interesting in for reals? I don't feel interested in anyone right about now.

Here are some pet peeves of mine:
~When boys interrupt me and don't seem to care about what my opinions are because they are too concerned with stating theirs. Okay, I think I do this all the time, but it's so annoying! I'm working on getting over this habit.
~When I completely lose my senses late at night and do stupid things like talk until 2:30 in the morning when I have to wake up at 5 the next day.
~When I get that sick to my stomach feeling because I am so frustrated with not knowing what I want.
~When I get behind in school and know full darn well that it is completely my own fault :(
~When I'm so tired because I've not gone to bed before midnight once this week (it's been around 1:30 or 2:00 every night) but get up before 7:30 every morning. And am at school/work/campus allllll day. From 8 am to 1 am. Yuck.

Okay, I need to just grow up and deal with my idiotic mistakes. I'm going to get better at communication, and dating, and knowing what I want, and doing what I know I should do. You can never learn too much from experiences, right?

Decisions, decisions

Doesn't it kind of stink that life is jammed packed full of decisions? Especially for a person like me who absolutely hates making them and has a really hard time doing so. So I'm working on it. I've been thinking and pondering and discussing this topic a whole bunch. And I've come to a few conclusions:

~Sometimes I base how I feel off of fear. I'll decide to do something different, something new (or even something totally normal), and then I'll get afraid and/or change my mind. However, because I refuse to accept that fact, I try to stifle those feelings, hide them, or push them away and the result is that sick-to-my-stomach, I-don't-think-I-should-do-this feeling. Which, then, I often interpret as the Spirit. I know that this feeling that I get can be (and occasionally is) from the Holy Ghost, but I also believe that very often it is not--it is more my fear. I'm working on being able to analyze and tell the difference between the two.

~Sometimes I just don't know what I want or why I feel a certain way (yes, Jason, I'm being perfectly honest). Hence, I am working on learning to interpret my feelings better, to understand why I feel things, to understand what I truly do enjoy, and understand what I really want.

~A big part of the purpose of this life is to learn to make decisions, to decide for ourselves. And many times, Heavenly Father may be neutral as to which decision we choose-leaving it up to us to decide what we want and then do it.

~Fear is a huge part of my emotions. I believe OCD augments this. I will have a thought that really scares me and then it just gets stuck in my head and I think about it over and over and over again. I fear what I'll do in certain situations, I fear that I am not good enough, I fear that I have a lack of self-control, that I'm not worthy, that I'll randomly do something extremely wrong and stupid for no apparent reason. I am also working on this, especially because I know that fear is the opposite of Faith. And I definitely want to have faith. So I'd better stop having fear.

~I need to make decisions off of what I believe, not because of something someone else wants or thinks. I need to choose for myself based on my desires, my standards, my beliefs.

Ok, that's about it for now. Any suggestions to how I can accomplish this? Also, how do you find the balance between making sure you "counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good," and "for behold it is not meet that I [the Lord] should command in all things, for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward" (Alma 37:37; D&C 58:26). Any thoughts?

Confused perhaps?

Once upon a time there was this girl who never knew her own opinion. She was very easy going and kinda just let others decide things for her, even really important things. She never could tell what she thought about events, places, activities, foods, and especially in relation to guys.

Yeah, this is me. I have SUCH a hard time knowing if I'm interested in someone or not. How can you tell? It doesn't help to try to decide if you like them based on how much fun you had on the first (or consecutive) dates, because I almost always have fun on dates. One of the funnest dates I've been on was with someone that I was absolutely sure that I was not interested in. But it was still a very fun date.

Another suggestion has been to decide based on how much you enjoy talking to them. This totally does not work for me because some of my favorite guys to talk to are guys that I am not physically attracted to one bit. But how do I tell if i'm interested if I love talking to them but am not sure how attracted I am to them?

And then there's the measuring tool of how much do you enjoy being with them. Well, I have a hard time even knowing that. This one works a little better for me than the previous two, but I still am bad at judging this because I am normally a very optimistic person who likes being with most people. But I can't marry most people either.

How 'bout judging based on how excited you are to see them? Or how much you miss them? Nope, doesn't work. I usually get so nervous for a date that I dread it until I'm on it. So that's a bad judge. And then there's the whole, "I don't know how much this relates to my personality or how much I really like the person" debate as well. Because I rarely missed Matt (maybe once when we were engaged and he was gone for a week). But then again, I didn't end up marrying him after all.

When I was dating Matt I thought that this malady of me not knowing my own mind was a new development. However, in retrospect I can clearly see that this started long, long ago. In high school it was a daily (sometimes hourly) occurrence for me to change my mind about who I liked. A few crushes held on for a couple months, but in those months I would go back and forth from "I really like him!" to "actually, I don't like him at all. He's a punk" and so forth. But it didn't matter back then because it was all for fun.

Contemplating this issue last night I decided that I must link it back to the time when I was in primary, and there was a boy named James in the class older than me. My brother Daniel decided that I must have liked him so he gave me the tickle torture until I admitted it. As a matter of fact I did not like him. I don't think I even knew what it meant to like a boy. However, I knew that he wouldn't stop tickling me until I confessed and so I did. Thanks a LOT Dan! ;) btw, this boy is now in my singles ward and I kind of want him to ask me on a date...
The other option is that I'm just a stereotypical, fickle, I-don't-know-what-I-want girl. Yeah, that's probably it.

It may actually be related to my honesty with myself. Have you ever felt like you should like someone so much that you confuse yourself as to whether you actually do? That is also a very great possibility here.

Anyhow, I still have this problem. And I realized (when I got asked on a second date for the first time in a while) that I am absolutely terrified of going through another relationship where I am confused. After I hung up the phone I basically started hyperventilating. And started feeling sick to my stomach. And it's only a second date, for crying out loud! So, I need to work on this. Any suggestions?

Who I Am

I'm going to give you two descriptions:

I know a girl at BYU. She has long, pretty, blonde hair and really pretty light blue eyes. She can sing, play the piano and violin, and sometimes fiddles around with other instruments. She has a very wide interest in a lot of things. She can cook. She likes to sew. She is very compassionate and always tries to help others be happy. She loves music, games, sports, and doing stuff outside. She is well rounded. She likes politics. She goes on lots of dates. Someone said of her: "she's the most cultured person I know." Even her brothers think she's funny, smart, and attractive. She's always trying to do what's best and is really willing to serve others.

Now this description:
I know a girl who is shy and can be really awkward in social situations. She is pretty, but nothing striking. She wears medium cute clothes, but doesn't have very many. She isn't amazing at anything, just med on a few things and a beginner on most. She's always stressed and sometimes complains a lot. She doesn't get the best grades (in fact, lots of times they're pretty bad) and is definitely not the smartest. She is not funny at all. She is pretty weird and has strange ideas and opinions but never knows enough to make a valid argument. She has a super hard time making decisions and is constantly worried that she needs to change something in her life.

K, you probably already guessed, but this is the same girl! In fact, it's me. (I will never again give myself so much praise, that first paragraph was ridiculously hard to write and the second one too easy...). But this sort of thing has been on my mind a lot lately, thinking about what I feel has become a plague among a lot of people, especially girls. It is this obsession of worrying what other people think of them, their social capabilities, their talents, their physical appearance, their dress, etc. etc. etc. I have totally succumbed to this. And I am trying and trying to get out of it. I was complaining about my lack of ability, my weirdness, to my brother and he basically gave me a pep talk in which he told me everything I wrote in that first paragraph. But then he said, "you are what you think you are. You're a cool girl, you just need to think that you are." At my complaint that that seems so cocky he said "no, not at all. If you want to be an instrument in God's hands you need to be confident and be able to talk to other people and not be so shy. You want to be a person that makes other people happy, makes them want to be around you." He talked to me for a long time and it was so nice! But the confidence only stayed for a while.

I think the real problem is the whole idea I have about needing to fit into the social norm, to be what others have defined as "cool." Because I DON'T! I never will fit in with the current standard. I never will have the skinniest legs, the tannest skin, the most beautiful hair, the hottest body, or the cutest clothes. Ever. Nor do I want to be continually trying for that. I am an individual who has a completely unique personality. I can think for myself and come up with creative ideas. I enjoy a lot of things and have passion for a lot of subjects. But most importantly, I am a daughter of God. Yep, that means I am a princess, with the potential to become a Queen. I have a divine Father. That's pretty amazing. And no one in the whole world can claim anything better than that. We're all 100% equal on that point.

So I'm working on this, being confident with who I am, even with all my weird quirks. Not everyone has to love me (hopefully no one hates me) and that's totally fine. Because I don't love everyone else either. And I'm okay with that (I mean, I am working on having charity, which is love, for everyone, but I don't love everyone's personalities).

So, my goal for the rest of  my life: be confident in who YOU are! Be happy that you're different! Be grateful that you are unique! And don't worry what some boys think of you, because you don't base your perception of you on what you think other people think.

Oh, and I love this song by Jessica Andrews: 

Ok, this music video is really weird. But just listen to the song ;) 

p.s. I even started a goal with a good friend to do at least one thing that is me every week--not to just come up with something and go do it, but to not be afraid to be you in at least one situation--voice an opinion, even if you're the only one who believes that, do something you think is fun, even if it may seem weird, etc. And do it with confidence! :)