Lately...

I don't like the depressing title of my last post staying at the top for so long. So here's an update of some of the things I have been doing the past few days.

Skirt making: 

I can't take this on my mission, but I had the fabric, and I really like maxi skirts, so I made it anyways. It was fun. It didn't turn out quite how I wanted but it worked.

Sister bonding time ;) 

 This was during a Sunday evening family planning session. We obviously love those :)

Country dancing with these fabulous people: 

James, Me, Whitney, and Peter

We went two nights in a row and it was awesome :) We learned several dips, and I kind of forgot about the drs orders about not bending over. Being upside down and flipped around isn't that bad for me, right? Whoops! 

Pretending to be an elivish princess aka bow and arrow shooting with Trijsten:

 This was my second time and it was super fun. Even more fun than the first time. I think I want a bow :) I think the guy at the archery place thought me and Trijsten were married because he kept trying to convince Trijsten to buy me a bow haha.

 Having farewells at work: 

 I have worked at this job for 3.5 years. Crazy, huh? My coworkers were planning on giving me a gift at the last monthly luncheon I was going to be at, but because BYU thinks they can just change Tuesday into Monday I had class and wasn't able to go :/ However, they saved me a delicious plate of food, made me that lovely sign, and left me this gift on my desk. It is a pink, beautiful, leather journal. And each of them wrote a page in it. It was so sweet. These people have pretty much watched me grow up during my college years. Watched me go through my first relationship, get accepted into the nursing program, break off an engagement, waffle between life plans, and everything else you do during college. I am going to miss them.

 Studying Spanish! 

I haven't studied nearly as much as I should. And I have tons more to do before I take my finals on Monday (yikes!) but tonight Amelia helped me figure this much out. Pretty much saved my life. If I can memorize these tenses and verb endings I am definitely going to have a much greater chance of passing this class...


I've been doing lots more stuff. Like shopping for and buying luggage, a cute raincoat, and many clothes, having pizza making parties, doing lovely nasal rinses everyday (sorry that one's gross), spending time talking with friends, and experiencing a very broad spectrum of emotions. It has been an adventure. And the next few days will be as well. More Spanish studying tomorrow, lunch with Brittany (I love her!), dinner at Brick Oven and shooting with James (I'm super excited), farewell talk writing, more shopping, cleaning and dejunking and packing up all my stuff, giving a farewell talk, saying painful goodbyes, taking finals (ugh), reading Preach my Gospel and Scriptures, probably some crying, and getting set apart as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I am so excited to serve. I can't wait to wear a name tag. It's going to be hard. And things might happen while I'm gone that I will miss. And I still cannot grasp at all the fact that I'm going to be gone for the next 18 months. But it is going to be fabulous.

Flexible

This semester I have been taking a flexibility class. It is at 7 in the morning, but it's such a good class that it has been worth having to catch the bus at 6:30 to get there on time :)

I have really been trying to get to the point where I can do the splits comfortably. I'm not there yet, but I'm much close than I used to be. I'm hoping to be able to sit in them by Christmas. If I stretch every night until then I think I should be good :)

We also stretch our calves, hips, back, neck, shoulders, feet, etc. It really is a good class. I love stretching and it's nice to be able to exercise a bit in the morning.

Here's a really weird stretch I figured out I could do the other night...

This is how close I am in the splits:

And just for fun, here is one of the rounds from my dancesport. We are the blue couple :)

I was patient, dancesport, and lessons

I just sent an email to my Stake President's secretary. I was patient for 4 whole days. I figured that was adequate :) I hope hope hope that if it is right, I will be able to get my papers turned in this Sunday. I would love that. But I also know that timing is a very important issue and that I need to be willing to submit to God's timing. I haven't been too good at that in my life so far. Perhaps I need a few more weeks to move on from my relationship and really prepare myself for the Temple and for dedicating a whole year and a half entirely to the Lord. Or perhaps it doesn't matter and I can get my call in two more weeks. Or perhaps it doesn't really matter and my Stake President is out of town and I won't be able to get my interview done for a while. Whatever the case, I am trying to be patient.

I compete in dancesport tomorrow. I'm rather nervous. I feel like all my technique went out the window since Tuesday. I actually felt like I was doing really well on Tuesday. Not anymore! Oh well. As long as I smile, have fun (and show it!) and have mountains of energy I should get past at least one cut. I would love to place. But I would be super happy to make it to semi finals, and I would be content to make it past one cut.  We'll see :) My calves are so dang sore. And my foot still hurts a lot. But after this I can calm down my physical exercise and hopefully let my foot heal all the way.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last week (it's been one week since Taylor and I broke up, just so ya know). I have been able to see clearly things I do that increase my loneliness or sadness, and things that I need to do to stay happy. I need to be so very careful not to get into self-pity ruts. Those are the worst. I've really really missed having someone to talk to who really cares about how I'm doing and who actually will listen to the things I have to say. I was talking to Dan the other day and he was kind of poking fun at the fact that most girls like to be listened to (it was quite the funny conversation actually. I learned that boys zone out really fast and it's not unlikely that one of my guy friends may have been pretending to listen when really he was thinking 'what the heck is she talking about?' haha). I completely concede with the stereotype that girl's like to be listened to. I love when people sincerely, genuinely want to know how I'm feeling. Today I just wanted so badly for someone to ask me how I was doing and really listen. I was frustrated, discouraged, and rather scared of the future. But no one did. But you know what? It was okay. I just thought about it for a while, realized that I didn't need someone to validate my feelings or encourage me, and kept working. It worked really well actually. I hope that I will grow closer to my Heavenly Father through this experience, knowing that He is always willing and desirous to listen to my ramblings, my frustrations, and my fears.

I've also learned that it makes me happy when I hear about couples who broke up lots before they got married. Somehow it makes me feel better.

But now I need to go to bed. Thanks for reading. It was a therapeutic post. haha psych is infiltrating my life!

My heart and other musings.

Today was harder than yesterday. I expected that. I knew it would be harder on a day when I was used to seeing him often. I ended up seeing him once, quite unexpectedly, and it hurt. It made me cry just a bit. How terribly he is hurting now. But something that has been mentioned to me so many times by various people is that if it is right for me, then it is right for him. And I need to believe that this can turn out to be a blessing in his life and eventually things will turn out for both of our greatest happiness.

I get into this bad mindset where everything seems negative to me. Every option seems so unappealing. For example-in my marriage and family class we obviously talked about marriage and at first I was feeling sorry for myself that that wouldn't happen for a long time. However, when I imagined it late while talking to a friend who is about to get engaged, the whole idea of marriage seemed repulsive to me. But, when I was talking about going on a mission, I was apathetic about that option as well. I need to keep up my excitement for a mission and not let my frustration and sadness inhibit my progress.

I'm competing in dancsport this weekend after all. I wasn't planning on it because I didn't have a partner, but I found one today. I'm excited. For some reason my motivation to dance drastically increased the last few days. I can't quite figure out why.

I had a long discussion today about desire-how do we know what we want, what we desire? In all aspects of our lives? What thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions reveal our desires? Do some people know their desires better than others? How do little children seem to always know what they want?

I've pondered a lot lately about why I have never fallen in love. It is so tempting to think something is wrong with me. I have come up with a reasons that are besides that fact that maybe I just haven't met someone I should marry. I've mentioned some of them before.

1. I am too judgmental or critical. My parents hate when I say this because they think that whenever a relationship doesn't work out I blame myself. I understand that sometimes it's just not meant to work out, but I also understand that I have a very narrow view of how someone should act, what's cool or not, or what's socially acceptable. I know this is a problem when I see someone who I view as "cool" do something I was super critical of when done by someone I dated. Because I had never seen someone who I saw was above me on the social ladder do it, I assumed it was weird. But when I did see one of those cool people do it I realized it was okay. How ridiculous can I get? How do I fix this horrid habit? 
2. I'm just not ready to be married. I had a conversation with a friend today about how before he felt ready to be married, before he felt like he was close to being ready for that option, he wasn't as desirous to get into a serious relationship. However, after a certain point, after a specific occasion, he felt like he was ready, and from then on he has been much more interesting in girls and has been much more ready to pursue someone seriously. I don't think I feel at all ready. I don't feel capable. I don't feel mature enough. I don't feel independent enough. 
3. My desire to go on a mission created a mental block. I always viewed a mission as my time to mature and to grow up. This relates to the previous point. For some reason, I always thought that I would be ready to be married after I served a mission, but until then I wasn't mature enough or I hadn't learned the things I needed to learn to take that eternally significant step. As I have thought about coming home from a mission I have realized how much that has played a role in my feelings of readiness. Once I am back I can see myself reaching that point where I am ready to pursue a serious relationship. I pray that this will enable me to someday fall completely in love-to the point where I just can't wait to marry that certain someone and grow with him and create a family with him and be witn him for eternity. 

And that's all I'll say about that presently :)

I've really been wanting to cook pumpkin containing foods. I'm going to try pumpkin muffins tomorrow morning. The pumpkin is actually cooking in the oven currently.

And I'm going to go to bed. I might as well catch up on sleep now that I don't have a bf to keep me up late. ha ha
ha
h

G'night! 

Like a tree. Or a rubber weed.

The other day I met up with Taylor after my contemporary dance class. He asked me how it went and I just gushed over how much I love dancing. We then started talking about the differences in ballroom and contemporary (he does ballroom super well) and he said, "In contemporary you kind of have to be able to move like a tree, right?" I replied "welllll, more like a rubber weed."

Last night I went to Evidance, the concert that BYU puts on with all of their top dance teams. Contemporary, Ballet, Ballroom, Folk Dance, and Living Legends. It was amazing. However, I remembered after watching the first contemporary piece that I really didn't like contemporary. It's too crazy and jolty and sharp. Which is the purpose, it's just not my favorite.

But then I saw this performance. It was incredible. I can't even fathom how you become this talented, flexible, and graceful. Holy smokers. This couple won the National 2012 Cabaret championship. They're from BYU. And so they performed their routine last night. Wow.

And then I re watched this one. The guy in this video was cousins to my dance partner in spring, so he came and coached us once. I was super intimidated just knowing he was on the touring ballroom team. I'm glad Conner didn't show me this until after or my intimidation level would have multiplied exceedingly.

I want to be able to move like that. Ha. Fat chance. But I'm definitely working on my flexibility with more gusto than before :) 

Oh, and I still think that out of all the teams, the Folk Dance team is my favorite.

Happenings.

What started out looking like a boring week suddenly somehow became crazy. Here is a taste of what my life has been filled with lately:

Going to FHE and teaching screaming viking to some friends in our ward. I was worried because usually people aren't cool enough to think this game is fun (haha, aka I'm bad at teaching it and it's only fun if people get into it for reals) but luckily there were some pretty awesome boys who totally made it fun. It was grand. 

I've been working all. day. every. day. I don't really love what I do at my job. I love my job. I work with amazing people, flexible hours, good pay. But it is soooo boring. 

I got asked on a date this week by someone I have never met. He is a friend of a cousin so it's all good. We're going to go mini golfing (or put putting as he called it) and lets just hope I can be fun, because I am terrible at mini golfing, and making it funny is kind of necessary so I don't be awkward and embarrassing. 

I have the most flip floppy emotions of anyone I know. What is my problem?! I change my mind like every 5 seconds about what I think of this boy. More on that later... 

I got a text from my dance partner from spring asking me if I wanted to compete in dancsport this Saturday. It's only 5 days away, but it'll totally be worth it. Sadly I'm not dancing with him (he has since gotten much better at dancing than me so he's way above my level), I'm dancing with his home teachie (the boy he home teaches). He said he asked him if he could do anything for him and he replied, find me a dance partner (funny request, I know) so he did. What a good home teacher that boy is... ;)

I ran yesterday. I didn't run far, but it was a good 'ease back into it' run. However, my idiotic foot started hurting again. It's my arch. What is its problem?! I need to find a solution to this...

Listening to Broadway music all day at work. Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserable, Wicked, Sound of Music, etc. It's awesome. However, it's making me slightly covetous of their amazing voices. 

Getting really annoyed when my insurance doesn't cover the jaw specialist I have to see before I can get my wisdom teeth out. I have to get my wisdom teeth out really soon because

I OFFICIALLY STARTED MY MISSION PAPERS!! 

I can turn them in any time after August 20. But I have to get the okay from my dentist, which he can't give until I get my wisdom teeth out, which I can't do until I see a jaw specialist for my problematic jaw... 

I am so excited to serve a mission. I'm so scared to serve a mission! But my feelings keep going back and forth. This has to do with my Boy dilemma. Part of me says "there is no point in dating because there is NO WAY I would give up a mission for a boy that I haven't even started dating yet (any boy, not just him) and would only be able to date for 4 months at the most and I don't think I could come to love someone that fast. But then the other half of me thinks that I really like him, and that if something did happen, I would totally rather stay home from a mission if marriage was in my near future. But I can't decide which emotion is the strongest. Either way it would be a lame, super difficult decision to have to make. One that I am not looking forward to. 

Aaaand I still have to tell this aforementioned boy. Which I'm worried about doing. Because basically it will go something like this:

"So I'd been thinking about a mission a ton before I sent you that email, and I had pretty much decided that I was going to go before I talked to you but I wasn't sure, and then I forgot to mention that possibility to you in our heart to heart, "what in the world were you meaning by that email" talk. And then the day after I talked to you I realized that I was going to go for sure. It was just the right thing to do. So yeah, let me just punch you in the gut a few more times, yeah?"

I'm a little nervous about that conversation. We'll see how it goes. 

Anyways. That's what's going on with my life. I can't believe I'm old enough to be calling insurance companies on my own, and setting up my own appointments with jaw doctors, and most of all, I can't believe I'm old enough to serve a mission! 

Okay. That's all. 

Decisions

For some reason I'm a little frustrated today. No, more like just apathetic. No, more like just heavy. Down? Blue? Something like that. And I'm not really sure why. I think it has to do with being tired, but I think even more so it has to do with being stressed about what I want to do with dance.

These past few weeks I've spent on average about 15 hours dancing. Class consists of four of those hours, but practicing makes up the rest. A lot of it has been really enjoyable and that's why I've done it, but last night, after being in the RB for five hours, I started realizing that I need to make a decision. I love dance, I really do. But I realized that some of the reasons I love it are not necessarily the actual dancing. One reason I loved it was because it came naturally to me at the beginning level, so I always felt like I was doing really well in class. It was low stress and I knew I could get an A. Another reason I really liked it was because of the people I got to dance with. When you have fun dance partners that motivate you to be better, it's great.

Well. After practicing and being "coached" by some amazing, skilled dancers, I've realized how I actually am not that good at dancing. There is so much that is involved in it, and there are so many people to compare to. I'm so far behind everyone else who started when they were young! I need to practice more! Yeah, that's how I started feeling. Not the best thing ever. So that reason is no longer applicable.

About 5 hours after I started this post I am now finishing it...


I still have awesome people to dance with.

And as of like 1 hour ago I gained a new motivation. To become so good so that I can show him that I am NOT hoping to dance with him because I can dance with lots of better people. Ha. I'm a brat. I'll get over it. Soon. Actually, Mom helped me get over it mostly. I don't really feel like that anymore. I'm just sorry that that happened tonight. I'm sure he wasn't trying to come across like he was purposely ignoring me. Right? Charity is giving others the benefit of the doubt. Yes, he wasn't meaning to be like that...

And I just wanted to say thanks to Conner. He will never read this, and out of the few who do no one will ever know him (most likely) but he is such a gentleman and I wish all boys were more like him. I don't really understand him lots of times. Like what in the world he is thinking most of the time. But even if he thinks I'm the biggest wimp and the weirdest girl and the worst dancer he never shows it. He is just nice. And makes me feel so much better than I start out feeling. So thank you Conner! Whoever wins your heart when you get back from your mission is going to be one lucky girl!

And since I'm rambling, can I just mention that I rode almost 7 miles on my bike today? Yeah, my legs are dead. I'm just hoping that I can still actually dance well for medals tomorrow...

Dancing. Again.

My favorite class this spring is definitely my ballroom class. I absolutely love it. Dancing makes me so happy! It is such a stress reliever for me. You go and you exercise and you try to be as graceful as possible, you have awesome dance partners who are super attractive (that's pretty motivating) and you learn to move with beautiful music. We are learning the waltz right now and I'm addicted. I think I've become obsessed with feeling, looking, and being graceful. Yesterday I went to dance practice at 3:00. I got home at 10:00. 7 hours of dance. No big deal...

Dancing has made me so much more motivated to be in shape! There's a goal behind it now besides just being generally healthy. (It's made me want to be like 10 pounds skinnier. I can't decide if that is okay or if that is an unhealthy motivation..). I'm definitely going to stretch every day, go running on a consistent basis, eat healthier, and do more ab workouts. Overall it has just made me want to be a stronger person.

There is just one problem with loving dance so much. It is killing me that I can't do more! This is the first ballroom class I've taken at BYU and I'm just kicking myself for not taking it sooner! I only have one year left in school, which basically means I can only take 2 more dance classes (possibly a few more if I am brave enough to squeeze them into my schedule). My TA told me I should try out for the ballroom team (he was on it most of his college career) and that I could almost for sure make it, but there is no possible way it could fit into my schedule! I've looked and looked and tried to figure out a way but it just won't work. I'm super bummed about it.

But the only thing I can do about it currently is to enjoy my class to the fullest and take every opportunity I have to practice and get better. Maybe, if I'm really blessed, I'll end up in a situation where I'm not doing nursing for a semester so I have a whole semester to just devote to GE's and dance. I'll figure out a way if there is any :)

Until then, I'm going to be stretching and exercising and practicing as much as possible. If that's the only result of this dance class, I'm happy with it.

p.s.--thank you Conner for being my dance partner! You're great and I wish you weren't leaving on your mission in the fall so we could take 280 together. Or I was going to Alaska at a different time so I could try out for the summer team with you. Oh well. Cest la vie!

p.p.s-Edit to the above post: I just re analyzed my schedule for fall and there is just a tiny chance that if I could make the 3:00 team I could fit it into my schedule. I almost just died of happiness. We'll see how this goes...

Just Dance!

Pretty much I decided that I absolutely love dancing.  And guys that know how to dance are so very attractive. Sometimes I wish I would've delayed applying to nursing so I could have pursued some of these other things that I love. Now I only have one more year of school left and I so regret not taking advantage of all the wonderful opportunities at BYU. I think the two biggest regrets in regards to this that I have right now are not doing more dance and not doing more singing. I don't think I could ever be good enough to make it on a ballroom team or to Young Ambassadors, but I wish I would have at least tried. Auditioned. Taken more classes to progress. But the only thing I can do now is to take all the opportunities left. Dance classes every semester until I graduate? Definitely. Singing lessons when I have the money? Yes please :)

The Viennese Waltz is one of my very favorite dances. I don't know it (hopefully someday) but I love watching it. Watch. It's magical ;)