My heart and other musings.

Today was harder than yesterday. I expected that. I knew it would be harder on a day when I was used to seeing him often. I ended up seeing him once, quite unexpectedly, and it hurt. It made me cry just a bit. How terribly he is hurting now. But something that has been mentioned to me so many times by various people is that if it is right for me, then it is right for him. And I need to believe that this can turn out to be a blessing in his life and eventually things will turn out for both of our greatest happiness.

I get into this bad mindset where everything seems negative to me. Every option seems so unappealing. For example-in my marriage and family class we obviously talked about marriage and at first I was feeling sorry for myself that that wouldn't happen for a long time. However, when I imagined it late while talking to a friend who is about to get engaged, the whole idea of marriage seemed repulsive to me. But, when I was talking about going on a mission, I was apathetic about that option as well. I need to keep up my excitement for a mission and not let my frustration and sadness inhibit my progress.

I'm competing in dancsport this weekend after all. I wasn't planning on it because I didn't have a partner, but I found one today. I'm excited. For some reason my motivation to dance drastically increased the last few days. I can't quite figure out why.

I had a long discussion today about desire-how do we know what we want, what we desire? In all aspects of our lives? What thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions reveal our desires? Do some people know their desires better than others? How do little children seem to always know what they want?

I've pondered a lot lately about why I have never fallen in love. It is so tempting to think something is wrong with me. I have come up with a reasons that are besides that fact that maybe I just haven't met someone I should marry. I've mentioned some of them before.

1. I am too judgmental or critical. My parents hate when I say this because they think that whenever a relationship doesn't work out I blame myself. I understand that sometimes it's just not meant to work out, but I also understand that I have a very narrow view of how someone should act, what's cool or not, or what's socially acceptable. I know this is a problem when I see someone who I view as "cool" do something I was super critical of when done by someone I dated. Because I had never seen someone who I saw was above me on the social ladder do it, I assumed it was weird. But when I did see one of those cool people do it I realized it was okay. How ridiculous can I get? How do I fix this horrid habit? 
2. I'm just not ready to be married. I had a conversation with a friend today about how before he felt ready to be married, before he felt like he was close to being ready for that option, he wasn't as desirous to get into a serious relationship. However, after a certain point, after a specific occasion, he felt like he was ready, and from then on he has been much more interesting in girls and has been much more ready to pursue someone seriously. I don't think I feel at all ready. I don't feel capable. I don't feel mature enough. I don't feel independent enough. 
3. My desire to go on a mission created a mental block. I always viewed a mission as my time to mature and to grow up. This relates to the previous point. For some reason, I always thought that I would be ready to be married after I served a mission, but until then I wasn't mature enough or I hadn't learned the things I needed to learn to take that eternally significant step. As I have thought about coming home from a mission I have realized how much that has played a role in my feelings of readiness. Once I am back I can see myself reaching that point where I am ready to pursue a serious relationship. I pray that this will enable me to someday fall completely in love-to the point where I just can't wait to marry that certain someone and grow with him and create a family with him and be witn him for eternity. 

And that's all I'll say about that presently :)

I've really been wanting to cook pumpkin containing foods. I'm going to try pumpkin muffins tomorrow morning. The pumpkin is actually cooking in the oven currently.

And I'm going to go to bed. I might as well catch up on sleep now that I don't have a bf to keep me up late. ha ha
ha
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G'night!