Moods

Tonight I'm in a grumpy mood. And when I'm in a grumpy mood I usually just direct it at all boys in general. Whoops!

This has been a super emotional day for me. It started out with good emotional ness. I had a beautiful experience that helped me get more excited for my mission and helped me feel Heavenly Father's love for me. I cried. That is somewhat unusual because I haven't been much of a crier lately.

Then after that I sent a stupid text and got all annoyed at myself and the person I sent it to because I just imagined what he must have been thinking (wasn't great in my imagination-who knows what he was really thinking) and when I think that he is thinking that I'm a retard I feel dumb and then I get mad at him for thinking that I'm a retard and then I'm just annoyed. I'm really trying to keep in mind that I have no idea what he is actually thinking in these situations. This has always been a bad habit of mine.

Then I watched the district. And again I felt a humbling, while still exciting, feeling about being a missionary. Then I started stressing.

Then I went to choir. And it was good except that boys are ridiculous sometimes and think it's hilarious when I blush and so they purposefully make me blush. And today it kind of hit a sensitive spot. And it kind of hurt a tad. And it mostly just made me more stressed. Afterwards one of them (who is super cute I might add) came up to apologize to me and he was really sweet about it and you know when people talk to you like that when you're already on the verge of tears? Yeah. Thankfully I held them in until we sang the first hymn.

The Lord is My Light. It was beautiful.

1. The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?

By day and by night his presence is near.

He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;

This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.

[Chorus]

The Lord is my light;

He is my joy and my song.

By day and by night he leads,

He leads me along.

2. The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,

Faith, stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies

Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign.

Then how can I ever in darkness remain?

Especially this next verse...

3. The Lord is my light; the Lord is my strength.

I know in his might I'll conquer at length.

My weakness in mercy he covers with pow'r,

And, walking by faith, I am blest ev'ry hour.

4. The Lord is my light, my all and in all.

There is in his sight no darkness at all.

He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King.

With Saints and with angels his praises I'll sing.

And I could barely make it through the chorus each time. What a beautiful comfort. He will cover my weaknesses with power if I turn to Him. 

I was frustrated during every meeting because, while I was really trying to feel the Spirit and learn from the speakers and teachers, I kept having slightly critical thoughts go through my head. And then I felt guilty. Because that's not okay. Which then just makes things worse. 

But I just need to repent and try harder tomorrow. Darn Satan. You aren't winning this one... 

Goodnight! 

p.s. I made a skirt on Friday. I'll put a picture up sometime. Oh. And I found my camera again. Glorious. 

I kind of feel like this song today... 

My current plea

Dear life,

This may perhaps be a ploy of Satan, but most likely it is just timing/coincidence, but could you PLEASE stop preying on my weakness and getting me to not prepare well for my mission?! Good heavens! My current biggest downfall is boys. (Like usual). No, that's actually not quite correct. It is actually my desire to be married and have a family. Or even just to be dating someone I was so in love with. Or perhaps I am ridiculous and am just super missing cuddling way bad? Whatever it is, I would like it to stop.

Stop reminding me how much I love love songs. And handing me new cute ones all the time. It only makes this longing worse.

Stop throwing cute boys in my path that I thought I would never like (or never again like) and then see them a few times and realize I actually do.

Stop making marriage look so darn desirable when just a few months (or even weeks) it was something to dread from my perspective.

Stop making my mission look way hard. And giving me the fear that all the cute boys will be married when I get back!

Stop letting me see so many adorable babies that make me so baby hungry.

Stop allowing me to learn so many important lessons about relationships and making me want to implement them right away.

Stop doing this when I know I'm leaving on a mission in 52 days and can't do anything about this topic at the current moment.

And darn it. Stop making me miss cuddling so dang bad.

Yours respectfully,
A future missionary.

Finals=regression (psychologically speaking)

I was going to write a post about peace. It is something I really need to do. But currently I'm not feeling peace, so I would feel somewhat hypocritical if I did. I'll save that one for later, I'm sure it will come back :)

Classes officially ended today. I am so happy! I have 4 finals left during finals week, two remediation assignments to do, and two journal papers to write for my marriage and family class. And it all needs to be done by next Tuesday. Wish me luck!

Sometimes I think that I'm not stressed about something, or that I'm not emotionally hurt, but then I suddenly realize that I was completely wrong. I had a realization episode tonight. I think the stress built up, and suddenly an emotion was released that I didn't even know I had. But it makes sense. I think there were lots of things building up to it, but the straw that broke the camels back had to be about Taylor. Of course. Of all times...

When I broke up with Taylor I cried a whole darn lot that night. And then I was fine for about a week. And then I missed him super bad on Tuesday. And then I was fine for a week. And then I missed him on Monday. And then I was fine for a week, etc. It was strange. I felt like I wasn't really sad about it. I felt like it was the least emotional break up I had ever experienced, which is really weird considering the circumstances.

Well tonight I realized that perhaps I had just been repressing those emotions because I didn't have time to deal with them. I think that is rather likely. And tonight, because of some events, they all came out in big, painful sobs. Totally unexpected. On a drive home. It hurt. I missed him like heck. I felt so bad for hurting him. And mostly I just feel bad that he is upset with me. That hurts the very most. As annoying as the splotchy face and hoarse voice is, I think it was a healthy purging, per se, of those emotions. I hope they're all out and released and given away now. I don't really want them after all.

And ultimately, I'm blaming this episode on the stress of finals.

Oh Boise. Oh Boys.

I am in Boise, Idaho.  I leave for Utah tomorrow. I'm ready to be home and to have my own room/shower/different clothes than the ones I've had for the past 3 weeks :) I miss my fam. What will I do when I leave for my mission in a few months?! I do not know...

So, I am trying to debate if I should send this email or not. It would put me in a super vulnerable position. I've realized the past few weeks that that is something that I haven't done for a very long time. Put myself in a vulnerable position, that is. I hate being there. I hate feeling dumb. If I put myself out there and show interest in someone, I feel so stupid! If they don't return the feeling I feel like I would like to die. Or just crawl away into a hole and never see that person again in my life. 

However...I've also realized that, in order to keep myself 'safe,' I think I've stopped myself from liking boys. Because if I like them, I'm open to them not liking me and then feeling like an idiot. That kind of presents a problem to my dating life. Whoops. 

But, I'm pretty sure that I am going a mission anyways, so I guess it doesn't really matter what I do with my dating life for the next few months anyways, right? :) 

On the other hand, it never hurts to put yourself out there. Oh wait... YES IT DOES! But that doesn't mean it's not good for me. It would give me good experience and help me overcome my ridiculous fear/anxiety about dating. 

On the other hand... THERE IS NO OTHER HAND! haha, just kidding. I just wanted to quote that since I just watched that video. What a sad part to that movie....

Anyways, what do you think? Am I crazy or am I crazy?

Say What?

Thanks to Taylor and the Daily Universe I've suddenly realized that I have a serious relationship going on. It's been going on for quite a while now--2 1/2 years actually. I've been thinking about all we've been through, and I've realized we've had quite the crazy experiences together:

~I've cried with him many a time. Often they have been tears of frustration, anger, or despair. Occasionally tears of gratitude (these are very rare), but mostly just tears of discouragement.
~We've almost pulled all nighters together but he's never allowed me to stay with him all the way :(
~I've laughed with him quite a bit
~He's been listener to many of my emotional rants
~We most often have marathon dates. Many of them are coming up for this week too, hooray!
~And I've def learned a LOT from him over these past 2 1/2 years.

Who is this mysterious lover of mine? His name just happens to be Harold (aka HBLL).

Days like this...

I woke up late this morning. Why has that happened every day this week? Because of that, I was behind on my studying time for my pass offs and started getting super nervous. I finally decided to text a boy in my clinical group to see if he would be willing to study with me. Well my pass offs were at 10 and his were at 11, but he kindly offered to be on campus an hour and a half early to study with me. Bless him. I needed to shower and get ready, but I really wanted to run because I have only run once this week. So I decided to quickly run a mile and then head up to campus instead of showering (who thinks of nasty things like that? ME!). I got to campus right on time looking just fantastic (I went to the Temple last night, came home late, slept on my wet hair thinking I would shower the next morning, didn't even brush it when I went running, piled it on top of my head, threw on a sweatshirt, and ran to campus). When I got there I somehow remembered how much I hate looking like that in public (somehow I forget quite often), but I did well on pass offs so I guess it is maybe just a little worth it. Whew! Those things are stressful!

I finally got home and was able to shower, and during said shower I missed a call from someone who wanted to ask me on a date. Don't worry, he left a message so I called him back about an hour later (is that a good time length before calling someone back?) and he still asked me out. Yay! :) I'm finally excited for a date.

After that the day went by in a blur. No studying, nothing productive, just music videos, long conversations, and me freaking out. Until tonight. And this was the best part of the day. NOT!

Sarah and I ran home to get some stuff and see our fam. When we got there my Mom had a super bad rash on her face, which was spreading quickly and swelling up. She finally decided to go to the instacare to see if they had any new ideas this time (sometimes my faith in doctors is basically null). That made me even more stressed. While she was there, Sarah and I went to Wal Mart. We eventually found everything we were looking for and got in line. A boy from my ward walked up behind us (he's super cute, just so ya know) so I smiled and said hi. In return he gave me a blank stare. He didn't even deign a fake smile. Or a nod. "No big," I thought "I've just been in your ward for the past 9 months!" That made me feel really stupid. We checked out and left (after an awkward few minutes with him standing in line right behind us and me trying not to bust up laughing because of how embarrassing that was) and drove to our apt. There was no parking, so I decided to drop Sarah off with the stuff and park a few blocks away. But, because of my amazing driving skills we drove around the block a few times (I only had to pull one U-turn) before I could get to our side of the street.

So....I dropped her off, went and parked, got out, forgot to lock the car, walked back, locked it, and hurried the two blocks back to our apartment. It happens to be upstairs and I happened to be wearing new shoes and happened to start running up those stairs. Well, on the first couple steps I completely tripped and fell. Embarrassing! "Don't mind those people in the street walking past who just saw you biff it, just run a little faster up the rest of the stairs." Bad idea! I tripped a second time as I was nearing the top and finally fell into my apartment, feeling like the most coordinated being on the planet.

I love days like this.
Goodnight!!

Once I tried to be gansta...

I took a jazz dance class. And in that class we had a section where we learned hip hop. Man was that hard for me! I love dancing--but ballet/jazz/lyrical styles are what I can do, not hip hop. But our group decided to dress up for our performance. And it was great.

 So I took a few pictures, practicing my gansta face.
But then my true self came out....