Dear life,
This may perhaps be a ploy of Satan, but most likely it is just timing/coincidence, but could you PLEASE stop preying on my weakness and getting me to not prepare well for my mission?! Good heavens! My current biggest downfall is boys. (Like usual). No, that's actually not quite correct. It is actually my desire to be married and have a family. Or even just to be dating someone I was so in love with. Or perhaps I am ridiculous and am just super missing cuddling way bad? Whatever it is, I would like it to stop.
Stop reminding me how much I love love songs. And handing me new cute ones all the time. It only makes this longing worse.
Stop throwing cute boys in my path that I thought I would never like (or never again like) and then see them a few times and realize I actually do.
Stop making marriage look so darn desirable when just a few months (or even weeks) it was something to dread from my perspective.
Stop making my mission look way hard. And giving me the fear that all the cute boys will be married when I get back!
Stop letting me see so many adorable babies that make me so baby hungry.
Stop allowing me to learn so many important lessons about relationships and making me want to implement them right away.
Stop doing this when I know I'm leaving on a mission in 52 days and can't do anything about this topic at the current moment.
And darn it. Stop making me miss cuddling so dang bad.
Yours respectfully,
A future missionary.
This is where I write my thoughts on life--thoughts on nursing school, work, happy or sad events, and relationships. Here I try to record my growth and experiences in all the above mentioned areas. And that growth revolves around the things I believe as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Showing posts with label My dilemmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My dilemmas. Show all posts
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Decisions. Aren't they about...Time?
I have been trying to make a decision in my life for quite some time now. This decision has been about serving a full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The first time a mission was part of my decision making was Fall semester of 2010. Specifically December, 2010. This was when Matt told me he loved me and asked me to marry him the first time. I had dreamed of going on a mission my whole life. It was definitely in my plans. When I was faced with a decision about marriage, my heart ached with the thought of never having the opportunity to serve a mission as a single. However, I was willing to give that up if I was supposed to get married. Well, I broke up with Matt soon after that (again). It wasn't because of a mission, it was because it wasn't right. But a happy perk was that a mission was still in my plans.
The second time I faced this decision was in the Spring of 2011. This time when Matt proposed, I said yes. I still wanted to serve a mission, but I realized that that was not my first priority, whereas becoming a wife and mother was. So I gave up my dream to serve a mission, and worked on preparing to get married. Well, that ended up not working out after all. In the fall of 2011 I was again starting school 100% single.
The next time I had to seriously think about a mission was in March of this year. I would be turning 21 that summer and knew I could potentially leave on a mission before Fall semester started. The nursing program needed to know if I was going to stay and continue on in school or if I was deferring. I went and talked to the counselor. I chose to not defer, knowing that if I ended up going I still had a little wiggle room to defer. So I put off that decision and told the nursing program that I was staying indefinitely. However, I took mission prep and started casually thinking about it during spring term. The desire to go was just not there. I wanted to want to go, but my mission prep teacher told me that wasn't enough. So I waited, and pushed it to the back of my mind.
It came up again when I went to Alaska over the summer. I turned 21, the age I needed to be to serve a mission. I analyzed my feelings. Did I want to serve a mission? What was the reason I wanted to before? Were my previous motivations appropriate? I knew I wanted to be a returned sister missionary, I wanted to have that strength I saw in so many RM's. I knew I didn't have to go on a mission to gain that, but that seemed like the fastest way. But I didn't have a super strong desire to preach the gospel.
While in Alaska I started an application for the BYU Jerusalem Center Study Abroad. This was also something I had previously desired to do. After counsel with my Dad, Quince and Jen, and Heavenly Father (and my own feelings) I decided that I didn't really want to go to the Jerusalem Center all that much, at least not $10,000 worth. I re read my patriarchal blessing, I prayed about a mission, I talked with Quince and Jen and decided that I would, indeed, serve a mission. I would go home and immediately start my papers. I was not super excited about it, but I felt I had already been given guidance from my Father in Heaven and I knew what I needed to do.
I got back to Utah and started my papers. The more I worked on them, the more excited I got. I talked to a good friend who had her call and I felt peaceful about my decision to go. I felt like the timing was right-I would go one more semester at BYU and then defer and leave on my mission sometime after Christmas.
However, in addition to starting my papers upon my return, I also started going on dates with Taylor. After about 3 weeks of 'casual' dating we began dating exclusively. I told him about my desire to serve a mission. I told him I had already started my papers. I told him I would make the decision when I came to it. I decided to hold off on turning in my papers (I could have turned them in the middle of August) to date him and see where things went.
Now it's the middle of September. We've been dating for almost one month. I've gone through the same cycle of changing my mind every day about how I feel like all of my previous relationships. I have questioned it a lot. I didn't think I wanted to continue dating but then it got better and I didn't break up. I had an interview with my Bishop last night and told him I was going to continue dating Taylor until I needed to let the nursing program know if I was deferring. They usually send us an email about it in October. I knew it was coming up, but I still had a few weeks. I felt calm and sure that I would know, that things would work out, that the decision would be clear.
I just got that email. I need to have my capstone placement request turned in by next Thursday. I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this decision yet.
There are so many factors in this decision process. Some shouldn't be there, but they are. They include
Wish me luck (and prayers) in making this decision that seems so eternally significant.
The first time a mission was part of my decision making was Fall semester of 2010. Specifically December, 2010. This was when Matt told me he loved me and asked me to marry him the first time. I had dreamed of going on a mission my whole life. It was definitely in my plans. When I was faced with a decision about marriage, my heart ached with the thought of never having the opportunity to serve a mission as a single. However, I was willing to give that up if I was supposed to get married. Well, I broke up with Matt soon after that (again). It wasn't because of a mission, it was because it wasn't right. But a happy perk was that a mission was still in my plans.
The second time I faced this decision was in the Spring of 2011. This time when Matt proposed, I said yes. I still wanted to serve a mission, but I realized that that was not my first priority, whereas becoming a wife and mother was. So I gave up my dream to serve a mission, and worked on preparing to get married. Well, that ended up not working out after all. In the fall of 2011 I was again starting school 100% single.
The next time I had to seriously think about a mission was in March of this year. I would be turning 21 that summer and knew I could potentially leave on a mission before Fall semester started. The nursing program needed to know if I was going to stay and continue on in school or if I was deferring. I went and talked to the counselor. I chose to not defer, knowing that if I ended up going I still had a little wiggle room to defer. So I put off that decision and told the nursing program that I was staying indefinitely. However, I took mission prep and started casually thinking about it during spring term. The desire to go was just not there. I wanted to want to go, but my mission prep teacher told me that wasn't enough. So I waited, and pushed it to the back of my mind.
It came up again when I went to Alaska over the summer. I turned 21, the age I needed to be to serve a mission. I analyzed my feelings. Did I want to serve a mission? What was the reason I wanted to before? Were my previous motivations appropriate? I knew I wanted to be a returned sister missionary, I wanted to have that strength I saw in so many RM's. I knew I didn't have to go on a mission to gain that, but that seemed like the fastest way. But I didn't have a super strong desire to preach the gospel.
While in Alaska I started an application for the BYU Jerusalem Center Study Abroad. This was also something I had previously desired to do. After counsel with my Dad, Quince and Jen, and Heavenly Father (and my own feelings) I decided that I didn't really want to go to the Jerusalem Center all that much, at least not $10,000 worth. I re read my patriarchal blessing, I prayed about a mission, I talked with Quince and Jen and decided that I would, indeed, serve a mission. I would go home and immediately start my papers. I was not super excited about it, but I felt I had already been given guidance from my Father in Heaven and I knew what I needed to do.
I got back to Utah and started my papers. The more I worked on them, the more excited I got. I talked to a good friend who had her call and I felt peaceful about my decision to go. I felt like the timing was right-I would go one more semester at BYU and then defer and leave on my mission sometime after Christmas.
However, in addition to starting my papers upon my return, I also started going on dates with Taylor. After about 3 weeks of 'casual' dating we began dating exclusively. I told him about my desire to serve a mission. I told him I had already started my papers. I told him I would make the decision when I came to it. I decided to hold off on turning in my papers (I could have turned them in the middle of August) to date him and see where things went.
Now it's the middle of September. We've been dating for almost one month. I've gone through the same cycle of changing my mind every day about how I feel like all of my previous relationships. I have questioned it a lot. I didn't think I wanted to continue dating but then it got better and I didn't break up. I had an interview with my Bishop last night and told him I was going to continue dating Taylor until I needed to let the nursing program know if I was deferring. They usually send us an email about it in October. I knew it was coming up, but I still had a few weeks. I felt calm and sure that I would know, that things would work out, that the decision would be clear.
I just got that email. I need to have my capstone placement request turned in by next Thursday. I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this decision yet.
There are so many factors in this decision process. Some shouldn't be there, but they are. They include
- Taylor. Is this relationship something that could be long term? Could I marry him? If so, am I supposed to go on a mission anyway and we could pursue it after I got home? If not, how do I know?
- Loneliness. I am trying so hard to not let this influence my decision. However, it keeps sneaking in there. Both of my best friends have serious relationships (one engaged and one considering it) and thus have very little time to spend with me. I'm not very good at making real new friendships. If I break up with Taylor I am going to be one lonely girl. It will be difficult. But I know this should never be a reason to date someone. I just don't know how to completely forget about this fact.
- Benefits. I know that serving a mission will bring me blessings. I know it will strengthen my faith and character. I keep getting the thought that perhaps a mission is what I need to clarify what I want in a husband, to gain an ability to make decisions, and help me really know what is important.
- School. I am not ready to graduate. I am not ready to do my capstone. I just want a few semesters to re take classes that will help me be a better nurse, cement what I have learned, and give me more confidence. If I left on a mission, I would very likely have at least one semester to take non-nursing classes either when I got home or before I left. To finish my GE's. To re take physiology and pathophysiology like I want.
- Fear. If I leave on a mission I am going to forget so much of what I have learned in school. It will be so difficult to come back. I would be leaving the predictability (ha. what remains) of my life. I would leave my family. I would miss them dreadfully. I would leave Taylor, who has become my best friend this past month. I would leave dating, and playing, and family, and school, and work....
- Blessings. Do those words mean I should go? Should I stay? How do I interpret them?
Wish me luck (and prayers) in making this decision that seems so eternally significant.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Worried.
This morning I woke up at about 5:30, extremely nervous and worried. I don't even know what was worrying me. I think I was stressed about not having done any homework all day Saturday. (My mind still hasn't grasped the fact that I'm not going to have homework for the next two months...). I had to remind myself that it was Sunday, that I didn't have church until 11, that I didn't need to prepare anything because we didn't even have choir practice that day and I was then able to fall asleep again.
But I got that stressed out, pit-in-my-stomach feeling again during Sunday School and Relief Society. I had such a hard time concentrating on the lesson. I just wanted to be done to go do something. What, I did not know...
That feeling finally left when I spent the two hours after Church cleaning the kitchen before my Mom got home from the family ward. It didn't come back until after dinner. But it's back again, and I HATE it! I don't know what I'm stressed about! I think I have had something to worry about for so long with school that my brain is confused at not having deadlines and commitments.
Maybe I'm so stressed about Mom that it's pervading my sleep. How can I help her?! What can I do to decrease her stress level? What can I research? Which doctor can she go see that could help her? I don't even know what to do anymore.
Another factor may be my swollen ankle. I have a Frisbee tournament this weekend (I'm not good at all, so it won't make any difference to the team if I go or not, but I really, really want to) and I don't know if I should play on it. I hiked the narrows on Friday and thought it was fine, but that night it swelled up bigger than it's ever been and Saturday it really hurt. My arch is what hurts, but my ankle is what is swollen. I don't know what to do about it. I'm so antsy to start training for the Freedom Run 10K that I signed up for and the half-marathon I want to do in the fall, but I'm so scared of seriously injuring a swollen joint or ligament or muscle (whichever it is that is messed up).
But I just need to take a chill pill. I need to read my scriptures and pray and remember that God is in control and I don't need to worry. Because all that is expected of me is that I try my best to do His will, and then He will make up the difference.
Okay. I'm going to go read now ;) Cheerio!
But I got that stressed out, pit-in-my-stomach feeling again during Sunday School and Relief Society. I had such a hard time concentrating on the lesson. I just wanted to be done to go do something. What, I did not know...
That feeling finally left when I spent the two hours after Church cleaning the kitchen before my Mom got home from the family ward. It didn't come back until after dinner. But it's back again, and I HATE it! I don't know what I'm stressed about! I think I have had something to worry about for so long with school that my brain is confused at not having deadlines and commitments.
Maybe I'm so stressed about Mom that it's pervading my sleep. How can I help her?! What can I do to decrease her stress level? What can I research? Which doctor can she go see that could help her? I don't even know what to do anymore.
Another factor may be my swollen ankle. I have a Frisbee tournament this weekend (I'm not good at all, so it won't make any difference to the team if I go or not, but I really, really want to) and I don't know if I should play on it. I hiked the narrows on Friday and thought it was fine, but that night it swelled up bigger than it's ever been and Saturday it really hurt. My arch is what hurts, but my ankle is what is swollen. I don't know what to do about it. I'm so antsy to start training for the Freedom Run 10K that I signed up for and the half-marathon I want to do in the fall, but I'm so scared of seriously injuring a swollen joint or ligament or muscle (whichever it is that is messed up).
But I just need to take a chill pill. I need to read my scriptures and pray and remember that God is in control and I don't need to worry. Because all that is expected of me is that I try my best to do His will, and then He will make up the difference.
Okay. I'm going to go read now ;) Cheerio!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Carpe diem
I've been in a pretty ornery mood today. I'm not really sure why. I didn't get a ton of sleep last night, but that's not unusual for me. I also had a super fun day yesterday hiking the narrows down at Zion National Park. What a beautiful place.
It may have to do with the fact that my foot has still not healed. My ankle isn't quite as swollen as it was yesterday, but my foot hurts worse when I walk on it.
It may have to do with the fact that school is over and I am really sad my classes are done. I LOVED this Spring term.
But mostly I think it has to do with the fact that I'm lonely. I loved going to Zion's yesterday. It was fun, and beautiful, and an awesome hike. There was just one downer. I went with a group that consisted of my best friend, her boyfriend, her younger brother, and his girlfriend. I kinda felt like the odd man out. (Sitting in a car next to two in love, quite young high school students for four hours up and back can be a little hilarious). I've been in one of those bad phases where I'm regretting my dating decisions. I think it's because my two best friends now have bf's and I don't. In reminding myself why I didn't have a boyfriend and remembering how I'm glad that I didn't date any of the last 3 boys that wanted to date me, I found myself singing the song "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perry. I love this song. It kind of got ruined for me though when my Mom remarked after a verse that "that's probably how all those boys think of you." Ouch. Maybe I should just stop going on dates?
Another reason why I'm a little bit cranky is because I am stressed about what is going to happen in my life over the next year. I could go on a mission after fall semester. I could not go on a mission, finish school, graduate, take the NCLEX and then start looking for a job. I could graduate, take the NCLEX, and then go on a mission. I could not finish my GE's to prolong my college experience and apply for the Jerusalem Center. Other thoughts on my mind lately: should I move out of the house for fall? Would that help my lack of interest in boys? Should I try out for the dance team? Should I buy a car? etc. etc. etc.
HOWEVER. when I was talking to my Mission Prep teacher about all of my stressful decisions I'm trying to make he reminded me that I should be so grateful to have all of these opportunities. "Carpe diem," he told me. And I want to do that better. I have a beautiful life! I have wonderful friends (even if they do desert me for boys). I have so many amazing opportunities ahead of me, all of which are wonderful choices. I have fun plans for this summer. Most importantly, I have the gospel of Jesus Christ. So I am going to stop complaining and start finding the fun, happy things in all the things that are stressing me out.
Now is the time to seize the day!
It may have to do with the fact that my foot has still not healed. My ankle isn't quite as swollen as it was yesterday, but my foot hurts worse when I walk on it.
It may have to do with the fact that school is over and I am really sad my classes are done. I LOVED this Spring term.
But mostly I think it has to do with the fact that I'm lonely. I loved going to Zion's yesterday. It was fun, and beautiful, and an awesome hike. There was just one downer. I went with a group that consisted of my best friend, her boyfriend, her younger brother, and his girlfriend. I kinda felt like the odd man out. (Sitting in a car next to two in love, quite young high school students for four hours up and back can be a little hilarious). I've been in one of those bad phases where I'm regretting my dating decisions. I think it's because my two best friends now have bf's and I don't. In reminding myself why I didn't have a boyfriend and remembering how I'm glad that I didn't date any of the last 3 boys that wanted to date me, I found myself singing the song "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perry. I love this song. It kind of got ruined for me though when my Mom remarked after a verse that "that's probably how all those boys think of you." Ouch. Maybe I should just stop going on dates?
Another reason why I'm a little bit cranky is because I am stressed about what is going to happen in my life over the next year. I could go on a mission after fall semester. I could not go on a mission, finish school, graduate, take the NCLEX and then start looking for a job. I could graduate, take the NCLEX, and then go on a mission. I could not finish my GE's to prolong my college experience and apply for the Jerusalem Center. Other thoughts on my mind lately: should I move out of the house for fall? Would that help my lack of interest in boys? Should I try out for the dance team? Should I buy a car? etc. etc. etc.
HOWEVER. when I was talking to my Mission Prep teacher about all of my stressful decisions I'm trying to make he reminded me that I should be so grateful to have all of these opportunities. "Carpe diem," he told me. And I want to do that better. I have a beautiful life! I have wonderful friends (even if they do desert me for boys). I have so many amazing opportunities ahead of me, all of which are wonderful choices. I have fun plans for this summer. Most importantly, I have the gospel of Jesus Christ. So I am going to stop complaining and start finding the fun, happy things in all the things that are stressing me out.
Now is the time to seize the day!
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