90 hours... And I forgot how to act on a date.

If my mission call comes this Wednesday, I only have to wait 90 more hours to find out where I'm spending the next 18 months of my life. Wahoo!

Tonight I went on my first date since breaking up. It was a little weird, I'm not gonna lie. Especially since we talked about my mission the whole time. Which leads me to a confession: I kind of forgot how to act on a first (well this is actually our second) date. Funny side note-he was my first date ever, just a little after I turned 16, right after he turned 16. So it was both of our first dates. And now we went on a date after he got back from his mish. How cute. Anyways, as I was saying...

I've been so used to talking to anyone and everyone about my relationships because when you're dating someone and your guy friends know that, it's not weird to talk to them about it and ask for their advice and opinions, and I always talk to my girl friends about it, and my family, and basically everyone...so I accidentally mentioned a previous relationship twice while on this date. How tacky and clueless, and naive can I get? Way to go, Bekah! Oh well. Oh. And one of them was that I was engaged. And he was like "you were engaged?!" and I was like "Idiot! Why did you just say that?!" and out loud I was like, "um yeah." Haha, not awkward at all. Oh well. Whatevs. I'll learn eventually. Thank goodness I have 18 months to forget about dating.

Except, speaking about forgetting about dating, I'm kind of worried that I won't. Tonight as I talked so much about my mission I began to get worried that I would be emotionally able to handle it. I would miss my family, school, dating, work, friends too much. It got me really worried. I was trying to hide this fear in my conversation and I think I did fine, but it made me concerned. But as I have been thinking about it, fears are never from God. God doesn't work by giving us fear, or guilt. He gives us comfort, peace, and, when need be, he gives us uneasiness. But fear is not from God. I need to realize that He is there to help me at all times, no matter how many times I mess up.

Tonight for our date we went to the Vocal Point concert. It was amazing. But I was struck by the song "Come Thou Fount." I love this song, I have listened to it so many times, but tonight, with the context they gave it, it struck me in a different way. How often am I prone to wander? Everyday? Every hour? More than once per hour? It's really often. I am prone to wander. But Christ understands that. Our loving Heavenly Father understands that. And They continue to forgive and to love.

Oh to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be! 

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. 

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it! Prone to leave the God I love. 

Here's my heart Oh! take and seal it

Seal it for They courts above! 

Jesus sought me, when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God. 

He to rescue me from danger interposed His precious blood.

What I beautiful reminder.

Excited.

I am super excited about tonight. I'm going shooting in an hour and a half. And I'm going with Taylor. WAHOO!

Yesterday I had lunch with him. He asked me how my freakingout meter was doing. I said it was perfectly normal. No higher than usual. However I informed him that my confused meter, on the other hand, was waaaay through the roof. I think he understood what I was talking about. What the heck.

My mission papers are almost done.
I think I really like Taylor.
Dad keeps reminding me that "Taylor will still be around when you get back from your mission,"
But I don't know that. And even if I did, I don't know if I like that option.
I'm super excited to go on a mission. Every time I read a missionary letter, or talk about my mission, I get excited.
But I keep getting super excited about these date.
Anyways. You get the idea.

Today Sarah and I got our hairs cut. Meaning we both went to get hair cuts. Sarah chopped off 6 inches. I just had them take off about 1.5.

Yesterday Karen, Kathy, and I had fun taking pictures of ourselves doing back flips while holding hands. It was fun.

And I just love crazy/funny family pictures. We have lots of tongue sticker outers :)

To the TOP!

Yesterday evening, thanks to Taylor, I was finally able to accomplish a goal that I've had for a long time. I climbed to the very top of a mountain! Yes, I know, it is rather pitiful that I've never done this before. I love hiking, but for some reason I have never made it to the top. I always do hikes that end with beautiful views but they aren't at the top! 

We hiked up to the top of the Y and then took the trail to the top of the actual mountain. 

This was a lookout on our way up after we passed the Y. Isn't the view beautiful?! 

We are both so attractive in this picture. Hiking does that to you, ya know? :)

We got up to the top and I totally forgot to take a picture! So I still don't have pictures at the top of the mountain. But the lookout was stunning. And I'm definitely going to do it again. We ate dinner at the top and just talked and then hiked back down in the dark. I wanted to stay up there forever. It was amazingly peaceful.

On the way down Taylor reviewed with me what I'm supposed to do if we saw a bear. Yeah, that kinda made me nervous. Thankfully his instructions weren't needed. We did, however, see tons of huge spiders. Their eyes would shine in the light of our flashlights. I thought it was kind of gross that they had eyes big enough to reflect light. But they were some big spiders.

I loved the hike! I wasn't nearly as in shape as I thought I was. It was hard. Next time I'll be in better shape. Annnnd remember to wear long pants. We crashed through a lot of stinging nettle, and although I didn't feel it at all last night, my legs are burning/itchy this morning. I didn't think it could take that long to react. Especially since I took a shower and scrubbed my legs really well last night. But it's the only thing I could think of that would be making my legs hurt. Is that possible?

And I like hiking.

Happenings.

What started out looking like a boring week suddenly somehow became crazy. Here is a taste of what my life has been filled with lately:

Going to FHE and teaching screaming viking to some friends in our ward. I was worried because usually people aren't cool enough to think this game is fun (haha, aka I'm bad at teaching it and it's only fun if people get into it for reals) but luckily there were some pretty awesome boys who totally made it fun. It was grand. 

I've been working all. day. every. day. I don't really love what I do at my job. I love my job. I work with amazing people, flexible hours, good pay. But it is soooo boring. 

I got asked on a date this week by someone I have never met. He is a friend of a cousin so it's all good. We're going to go mini golfing (or put putting as he called it) and lets just hope I can be fun, because I am terrible at mini golfing, and making it funny is kind of necessary so I don't be awkward and embarrassing. 

I have the most flip floppy emotions of anyone I know. What is my problem?! I change my mind like every 5 seconds about what I think of this boy. More on that later... 

I got a text from my dance partner from spring asking me if I wanted to compete in dancsport this Saturday. It's only 5 days away, but it'll totally be worth it. Sadly I'm not dancing with him (he has since gotten much better at dancing than me so he's way above my level), I'm dancing with his home teachie (the boy he home teaches). He said he asked him if he could do anything for him and he replied, find me a dance partner (funny request, I know) so he did. What a good home teacher that boy is... ;)

I ran yesterday. I didn't run far, but it was a good 'ease back into it' run. However, my idiotic foot started hurting again. It's my arch. What is its problem?! I need to find a solution to this...

Listening to Broadway music all day at work. Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserable, Wicked, Sound of Music, etc. It's awesome. However, it's making me slightly covetous of their amazing voices. 

Getting really annoyed when my insurance doesn't cover the jaw specialist I have to see before I can get my wisdom teeth out. I have to get my wisdom teeth out really soon because

I OFFICIALLY STARTED MY MISSION PAPERS!! 

I can turn them in any time after August 20. But I have to get the okay from my dentist, which he can't give until I get my wisdom teeth out, which I can't do until I see a jaw specialist for my problematic jaw... 

I am so excited to serve a mission. I'm so scared to serve a mission! But my feelings keep going back and forth. This has to do with my Boy dilemma. Part of me says "there is no point in dating because there is NO WAY I would give up a mission for a boy that I haven't even started dating yet (any boy, not just him) and would only be able to date for 4 months at the most and I don't think I could come to love someone that fast. But then the other half of me thinks that I really like him, and that if something did happen, I would totally rather stay home from a mission if marriage was in my near future. But I can't decide which emotion is the strongest. Either way it would be a lame, super difficult decision to have to make. One that I am not looking forward to. 

Aaaand I still have to tell this aforementioned boy. Which I'm worried about doing. Because basically it will go something like this:

"So I'd been thinking about a mission a ton before I sent you that email, and I had pretty much decided that I was going to go before I talked to you but I wasn't sure, and then I forgot to mention that possibility to you in our heart to heart, "what in the world were you meaning by that email" talk. And then the day after I talked to you I realized that I was going to go for sure. It was just the right thing to do. So yeah, let me just punch you in the gut a few more times, yeah?"

I'm a little nervous about that conversation. We'll see how it goes. 

Anyways. That's what's going on with my life. I can't believe I'm old enough to be calling insurance companies on my own, and setting up my own appointments with jaw doctors, and most of all, I can't believe I'm old enough to serve a mission! 

Okay. That's all. 

The dating game

I've decided that one of the most counter intuitive, really obnoxious, completely bothersome things in life is the dating game. But no matter how hard I try to not "play" this game, I inevitably fail. It is so ingrained into me that I don't know how to get out of it.

Currently I am referring to this silly phenomenon of the "hard to get" aspect of dating. When I like a boy and he ends up not showing as much interest as I would want, he immediately becomes more desirable to me. You always want what you can't get. However, the opposite is also true. If I am slightly interested in someone, willing to see where it goes, and it becomes apparent that he is much more interested than I am, or he makes it obvious that he likes me a lot. my interest in him automatically decreases. This is rather puzzling to me because I honestly don't know how I'll ever get married if this remains the case.

How do you evade this crazy cycle? Once upon a time (okay, quite a few times) there was a boy that I rather liked, and because I liked him I was always awkward around him. And because I was always awkward around him, it was obvious that I liked him. While I'm sure it's not the only reason, I think my obsession was so completely unattractive that he lost any interest he may once have had.

Prime example: There was a boy in my ward who I met once at ward prayer and I was very impressed with him. However, he was super "cool" and I had no hope of really getting to be his friend because I wasn't really at his level. And then a shocking event occurred. He got my number from the ward list and called me out of the blue to ask me on this super nice, really fun date. Boy was I flattered! The date was great except I was really awkward like I've been describing. However, something even more unimaginable happened. He asked me out for the next weekend! Haha, and then the next. Three dates in 3 weeks. I was attracted to him, and it was obvious. However, something not quite as obvious was my uncertainty of how much I liked him. Until he lost interest and stopped asking me out. Oh man, then I liked him a whole bunch. And I made that too obvious as well (very unintentionally, but I was really bad at hiding it--I hope my mask-your-emotions skills have increased since then). Anyways... the point of this story is this: I feel like because I made it very obvious that I was interested, and because I was shy and nervous and awkward because I was interested, he became uninterested. But when I go on dates with boys that I haven't placed in a "you're way too cool for me" category yet, I'm so much more myself and it usually turns out that they like me a lot more then I like them. And oh! how I wish I could remake the impression those other boys have of me. I think of it a lot when I see them every day in the library during finals week. I think this every time: "Please just think I'm at least a tiny bit attractive again, k? I know you thought it once, and I did something to ruin it. I don't want to date you, I just want your good opinion!"

Now I'm sounding like Elizabeth Bennett...

*View from 4:50 on....

Or copy and paste ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Hw97LpMTOOg#t=296s

Argh.

I think one of the most frustrating things in writing is not being able to spell out sound effects. (Those lovely noises I sometimes make that make me sound like a wild animal). But argh is the best I can do for how I'm feeling right now...

Do you ever have those days when you don't want to do anything? When nothing is appealing to you, even your usual favorite things? When boys are dumb and complicate your life (even though you know that the night before and prob in a few hours they could very possibly be great again) and you just don't want to worry about ANY of them? I'm in one of those moods right now and I'm sooooo frustrated! It may or may not have to do with the fact that I've been a horrible person when it comes to communicating with boys and hence I've hurt some people without meaning to and I still don't know how to fix it. And I don't know what I want to fix. That's the hardest part. Who am I interesting in for reals? I don't feel interested in anyone right about now.

Here are some pet peeves of mine:
~When boys interrupt me and don't seem to care about what my opinions are because they are too concerned with stating theirs. Okay, I think I do this all the time, but it's so annoying! I'm working on getting over this habit.
~When I completely lose my senses late at night and do stupid things like talk until 2:30 in the morning when I have to wake up at 5 the next day.
~When I get that sick to my stomach feeling because I am so frustrated with not knowing what I want.
~When I get behind in school and know full darn well that it is completely my own fault :(
~When I'm so tired because I've not gone to bed before midnight once this week (it's been around 1:30 or 2:00 every night) but get up before 7:30 every morning. And am at school/work/campus allllll day. From 8 am to 1 am. Yuck.

Okay, I need to just grow up and deal with my idiotic mistakes. I'm going to get better at communication, and dating, and knowing what I want, and doing what I know I should do. You can never learn too much from experiences, right?

My new workout + my valentine's day companions

I discovered my new workout today as I began my valentine's day evening activities:

In case you can't see, these comps were "Wong's Nursing Care of Infants and Children" and "Pathophysiology: The Biologic basis for Disease in Adults and Children." Basically they're the biggest books I've ever owned and thus make up my workout for the evening. p.s. Do you see that nasty bruise on my right arm? Yep, that's from shooting ;) p.p.s. let's not notice my obvious double chin in this picture. okthanks.

In actuality, my real Valentine's day evening was going out to dinner with Taylor. We went to Brick Oven and it was so good! I had the Alfredo Lasagna. YUM! The date wasn't much like I expected it though :( I had a really hard time talking to him tonight. Oh well. He is super considerate, it's great.

Ok, back to creating my patho tree for RSV: Respiratory Syncytial Virus, the most common cause of bronchitis and pneumonia in children. Just FYI.

Shoot!

Another long, rambling post coming up! 
Today I went shooting again! And oh my goodness how I love it! :) I'm not sure why I like it so much, it is VERY tiring, I'm not a very good aim, and those shotguns have such a strong kick that I have a big bruise on my shoulder now. But I really enjoyed it. I've been shooting twice before I believe, but  this was the first time I shot clay pigeons. And I hit prob 6 or 7 of them in the air. I was so proud of myself :) I want to get a gun someday. I definitely believe in the second amendment, yes indeed. (I think it's funny how many nurses completely disagree with the right to bear arms). I am very impressed with boys who can shoot really well. And somehow it makes me feel safer knowing that there are boys who own guns, who have them here while they're at college. Yeah, that makes me happy.

Here are some opinions I realized that I had today:

~I really don't like when boys give me so many options on dates. No, that's not really it. When they give me the option of going home or staying to get food. And in doing so they make it seem like I'm secretly dying and want to go home sooo bad, but I can stay if I want. I never know how to respond! I usually don't get annoyed with long dates so that doesn't bother me. And even when I know it would be good for me to get home to do homework, I have a really hard time (esp after they make it sound like I'm hating the date) saying, "yeah, I should probably get home." I just need to learn how to respond and it will be fine. In relation to choices, I just need to learn to recognize what my opinion is.

~I think it is very audacious for someone to text me this question from a number I've never seen before: "Hey when did you want to go on that date?" Um, excuse you? I have no idea who you are, I'm not in the habit of going on dates with guys who ask me out via text, and asking it like that sure makes it really seem like you want to go, NOT! Don't make it seem like someone is forcing you to ask me out. Dude. And still, who the heck are you?


~I'm definitely one of those girls who love to be urged into telling or doing something. This is embarrassing, but I realized today that it's true. When a boy asks me a question, I delay answering at first, and then he's totally fine with that, I kind of get disappointed! Classic ditzy, attention-hungry blonde, right? I need to learn to be more straightforward. Just say what I want and answer questions how I want instead of waiting to be cajoled (yes! this is the perfect word for what I'm trying to say, I love when there are words like that! :) into giving information or accepting something. I think it's kind of a fun privilege you can take when you're a girl--I'm def going to give my husband hints and he's going to have to learn to read them, but I need to stop expecting that of all boys. That's just dumb.

~I really need to come up with some good answers to this oh-so-common question: "Bekah, tell me something I don't know about you." I can NEVER think of a good answer :( Meh.

~Along the same lines--I love when guys ask me lots of specific, easy-to-answer questions. It helps me talk with them so much better. And it shows that they are more interested in talking about me than they are about telling me about them. I like it, it makes conversations go much smoother on dates. :)

~I love cooking for boys who appreciate it. Like a lot a lot. I would even make them food and drop it off at their door secretly just because it would give me such great satisfaction knowing how much they appreciate it. When boys are better at cooking than me, and love to do it, I feel a little out of place. Isn't that my job? (Oh so sexist, I know). Part of me is very impressed, but part of me is disappointed that I can't impress them with my cooking.

*MOST IMPORTANT: I just want to be friends with guys! This whole apt is so fun to hang out with! Can't we just be buddy 'ol pals? I would really appreciate that a lot more than a dating relationship right now. Can I just come hang out with you guys? Please? And don't be offended if I'm not interested in you. Why are guys incapable of this?! It is the bane of my existence right about now.

Ok, I need to go to bed now, sleep tight!

Well this is interesting...

I realized again today that I just don't like boys right now. But (and this is what is unusual about this discovery) I also realized that it's perfectly okay!!! Hip hip hooray! I'm fine if I don't like boys right now, it's perfectly normal (right?). Maybe I'll start liking a boy again soon, but maybe not. Maybe I need to go on a mission first, and maybe I don't. Maybe I need to do something crazy fun this summer that has absolutely NOTHING to do with boys (that hasn't happened in a very loooong time--Alaska anyone? Hopefully! ;) and once I've gotten that out of my system I'll start being interested again.

However, just to make it clear (hm hm) thinking a boy is attractive is very different than liking him. I think lots of boys are attractive and I'm impressed with many of them (and physically attracted to them as well) but I just can't get myself to like them--I've been trying and it's not working. So I'm giving up. But I'm still going to go on dates (because they're really fun) and talk about boys and joke around and flirt with them. Is that okay? I'll just make sure (with Chelle's advice) to make it obvious that I'm going on lots of dates with lots of different boys.

Well that's a relief!

Ok, this is the last post about boys for a while, I promise.

Boys and the NICU

The World Turned Upside Down

"If buttercups buzz'd after the bee,
If boats were on land, churches on sea,
If ponies rode men and if grass ate the cows,
And cats should be chased into holes by the mouse...

If summer were spring and the other way round,
Then all the world would be upside down."

This supposedly was sung when Cornwallis, the British general, surrendered to the Americans at Yorktown during the Revolutionary war. It would also be appropriate to have this played before every date I go on, because I feel that this explains my dating life right now. Did these boys go crazy? My world definitely turned upside down and backwards. In reality, I'm not going on that many dates, it just is a lot more than I am used to. In my last post I talked about how I was getting super nervous about some of these "second" dates (which have now become third dates) but something happened over these last few days. I've lost all interest in boys. Weird, huh? Oh well. Maybe I can pretend I got a boyfriend. Would that solve it? Or that I have a mission call? Ok, those are both lies. Can someone please talk sense into these boys? They really don't want to date me, they're just really confused and have a completely wrong impression of who I am. They want to date other girls that are actually interesting and who will actually be interested in them back. Ok, thanks.

On to more exciting news: I was able to have a shift in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) today! It was really interesting. Those babies were so tiny! I couldn't believe it. Some of them were as early as 23.5 weeks. That is insane. That means that they were about 3 months early. And they are surviving! Watching these babies made me want my own so much more than labor and delivery did (haha, maybe it's because I wasn't having to watch the super painful birthing process before I saw them...). I just wanted to hold them and to love them and to help them get healthy. I was reminded again of the sacredness of life. These precious babies are all God's children, He is aware of them, and He loves them all! 

Some things I learned: 

The most common problem seen in the NICU is respiratory difficulty. When babies are born prematurely, they don't have any surfactant in their lungs. Surfactant normally allows your lungs to expand easier, so in these babies we have to help them breathe. They are on  a lot of breathing treatments: ventilators, the CPAP, nasal canula, and several other types of oxygenation that I can't remember. 

If a preterm baby has too much oxygen (to help solve his/her respiratory difficulties) it can cause retinal damage and make them go blind. Hence they have to be VERY careful about how much oxygen they can give them--just barely enough. 

They sometimes use the umbilical cord vein as an IV. Interesting, huh? 

They have a lot of different kinds of incubators to keep the babies warm depending on their needs. It is really incredible, actually, how much we can do.

Ok, that's all I really want to write about. I love babies.  I need to go to bed.

 Sleep tight! :) 

Oh, one other thing. Did you know that the reason they put erythromycin in babies eyes when they are born is to prevent chlamydia and gonorrhea infections?! These are sexually transmitted diseases, for goodness sakes. I understand that STDs are dangerous and are becoming more and more of a problem, but to have this become standard nursing care for every baby seems really sad. And why, then, do they dislike if you opt out of this treatment? Oh, and the Hep B vaccine? This is also for a sexually transmitted disease. What is this world coming to? If a mother has no STDs, if she is very healthy, why is she criticized if she decides to opt out? Chill out nurses! Okay, that's all.

Thai food, The Merchant of Venice, & Park City

Thursday afternoon I tasted Thai food for the first time in my entire life. I have eaten Indian food (which seems basically the same to me ) 3 or 4 times before, but never Thai food. Having never been a curry fan, I was slightly nervous how much I would actually like it. But to my surprise I liked it a lot. Yay! I had Massaman curry. The combination of curry + peanut + potatoes + rice + chicken + coconut was a little strange to my taste buds but it was really yummy nonetheless. I had more fun than I thought I would and I can now say that I like Thai food :)



Friday evening I took my first test of the semester. And guess what? I got a 98%! I only missed one! Oh yeah, it was New Testament. But still! Then I met up with Taylor and we went to The Merchant of Venice. It was adapted to elementary aged children and, because the other seats were sold out, we got to sit on the floor with the chillins. It was great :) Quite a strange choice of play to adapt to a young audience though. But it made me think about how we view minorities. Who got the just treatment in the play? Why did Shakespeare chose to make the minority character the bad guy while making it seem okay for the other characters to mock and ridicule and scorn him?
Anyway... Then we went to his house and made waffles. And ate them, of course. And then played a couple card games and then just talked. And I realized that sometimes I tell really random things to boys that I don't know all that well. It was rather weird. I probably should learn to be less open... But I like talking a lot. And I like card games. And I like waffles. So it was good all around. :)





Saturday I took my second test of the semester: Pediatrics. And I was extremely blessed to get 90% when I really deserved like a 70% for how much I was able to study. (Maybe I should set the goal to get in the 90%'s for every test this semester... Looking at last semester that would be a BAD, unreachable goal. But last semester I definitely did not get a 98% on my first test. We'll see).


Then Brian picked me up and we drove up to Park City. I have never been there, so this was another first for me. We walked along Main St and looked into different shops, during which I realized a few things: 1). I definitely grew up in Utah. While some people would think that my sheltered childhood would result in me being shocked by dirty language, in actuality it resulted in me being completely oblivious to it. I did not even realize that the boys behind us were swearing up a storm until Brian said something about it. Whoops! 2). My shoes are NOT winter proof. My feet were f.r.e.a.z.i.n.g. So much so that they hurt really bad when we went into the Church's Family History center up there and started thawing out. Oh, btw, who knew they had a Family History Center in Park City? Interesting...

On the way back we started talking about missions and life and how it never goes as planned and I started to cry! Dang it. Sorry Brian. But he was super nice about it and it was so good to hear someone so sure of the fact that Heavenly Father really does want us to be happy, and not confused, and to know that He loves us. And that He really will answer my prayers.
Then we went to get pie at Village Inn. Oh yeah, I'd also never been there, so that was another first this weekend. Sweet. And the pie was good (I got strawberry rhubarb), and I realized how much I just really like car rides and the company of people who make me feel comfortable being totally myself. It was great. Thanks Brian!


Sunday was a good learning day for me. The talks and the lessons were exactly what I needed. And I started new goals and I'm going to be a better member of my ward, a better visiting teacher, and a better choir director. I don't know about you, but I would really like all those blessings that come with magnifying your calling. And I'm going to spend at least 10 minutes in the Book of Mormon every day. Preferably in the mornings.

I'm not ready for another week yet but it's here anyway. And I'm going to do my best to make it the happiest, most positive, most productive week yet!

Confused perhaps?

Once upon a time there was this girl who never knew her own opinion. She was very easy going and kinda just let others decide things for her, even really important things. She never could tell what she thought about events, places, activities, foods, and especially in relation to guys.

Yeah, this is me. I have SUCH a hard time knowing if I'm interested in someone or not. How can you tell? It doesn't help to try to decide if you like them based on how much fun you had on the first (or consecutive) dates, because I almost always have fun on dates. One of the funnest dates I've been on was with someone that I was absolutely sure that I was not interested in. But it was still a very fun date.

Another suggestion has been to decide based on how much you enjoy talking to them. This totally does not work for me because some of my favorite guys to talk to are guys that I am not physically attracted to one bit. But how do I tell if i'm interested if I love talking to them but am not sure how attracted I am to them?

And then there's the measuring tool of how much do you enjoy being with them. Well, I have a hard time even knowing that. This one works a little better for me than the previous two, but I still am bad at judging this because I am normally a very optimistic person who likes being with most people. But I can't marry most people either.

How 'bout judging based on how excited you are to see them? Or how much you miss them? Nope, doesn't work. I usually get so nervous for a date that I dread it until I'm on it. So that's a bad judge. And then there's the whole, "I don't know how much this relates to my personality or how much I really like the person" debate as well. Because I rarely missed Matt (maybe once when we were engaged and he was gone for a week). But then again, I didn't end up marrying him after all.

When I was dating Matt I thought that this malady of me not knowing my own mind was a new development. However, in retrospect I can clearly see that this started long, long ago. In high school it was a daily (sometimes hourly) occurrence for me to change my mind about who I liked. A few crushes held on for a couple months, but in those months I would go back and forth from "I really like him!" to "actually, I don't like him at all. He's a punk" and so forth. But it didn't matter back then because it was all for fun.

Contemplating this issue last night I decided that I must link it back to the time when I was in primary, and there was a boy named James in the class older than me. My brother Daniel decided that I must have liked him so he gave me the tickle torture until I admitted it. As a matter of fact I did not like him. I don't think I even knew what it meant to like a boy. However, I knew that he wouldn't stop tickling me until I confessed and so I did. Thanks a LOT Dan! ;) btw, this boy is now in my singles ward and I kind of want him to ask me on a date...
The other option is that I'm just a stereotypical, fickle, I-don't-know-what-I-want girl. Yeah, that's probably it.

It may actually be related to my honesty with myself. Have you ever felt like you should like someone so much that you confuse yourself as to whether you actually do? That is also a very great possibility here.

Anyhow, I still have this problem. And I realized (when I got asked on a second date for the first time in a while) that I am absolutely terrified of going through another relationship where I am confused. After I hung up the phone I basically started hyperventilating. And started feeling sick to my stomach. And it's only a second date, for crying out loud! So, I need to work on this. Any suggestions?

2 For the Show

This last weekend I went on two dates. It was super fun. And really good for me. (btw, my dating life is the epitome of the "it never rains but it pours" phrase. I'll go for months without one date and then have like 5 in a two week period). Here are some more things I learned about myself and what I like and dislike:

• Why are there so many boys who don't like reading? When boys don't like it, my interest in them just drops a tiny, teansy bit. But it does drop. I LOVE reading! I think it is such an important part of learning and life. 
• When you don't understand a person's humor it makes a date not quite as fun, just quite confusing. But when you get it, it's funny :) And much less confusing. 
• Going to volunteer at the MTC is really cool. I liked it a lot. Missionaries are so great! 
• I really like creative dates--even if that means we have to walk in the snow for a while. And homemade ice cream is really good. 
• When guys cook for me, my "I'm really impressed" feeling goes up a lot. 
• I stink at bowling.  
• Guys that are not very athletic aren't quite as attractive. 
• When guys can dance it makes them more attractive. :) 

Ok, that's all about those dates. 

Yesterday, for Sacrament meeting, a girl gave a talk about learning to accept what happens in life. She told a personal story of how things have worked out so differently in her life than she thought (in reference to relationships--she's now engaged to a boy who just left on his mission because he's a convert, but now she has to wait two more years. Anyways...). She kept asking God why that had happened, but then, in answer to her prayer, she learned this valuable lesson. We can complain, and worry, and make ourselves miserable grumbling about it, or we can accept it and move on. This talk hit me really hard. 

For so long I've had the question on my mind "why did I have to break off my engagement. Why me? Why did I have to go through a long relationship just to have it not work out? Why did Heavenly Father want me to experience so much awful pain and confusion and frustration? Why can't I get over it already? Why didn't it work out? Why is my heart still hurting, 6 months after the fact? I was trying SO hard to do the right thing! Did I do something wrong? Should I have never gotten engaged? It has caused so much pain, heartache, confusion, loss of confidence in my ability to feel the Spirit, to follow promptings, to make decisions."

But then, while she was giving her talk, I realized that it doesn't matter. There is nothing I can do to go back and change what happened. All my analyzing doesn't change the past. And, like Jen pointed out, if I could go back I would do it all the same. It may have been a mistake to get engaged. I broke someone's heart. I did a lot of things that weren't very smart. But the Atonement can solve all those problems. Being frustrated and angry with Heavenly Father for allowing me to experience that doesn't help me one bit. It actually makes the healing process worse, more painful, and much longer.

In her talk she quoted the story of Saul, when, after going about persecuting the Saints, the Lord called him to repentance. "Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks" (Acts 26:14). She emphasized this phrase: It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks. That's what I have been doing, and it doesn't help one bit. It's hard to do that and still be happy. 

So I'm going to try to not "kick against the pricks" but accept that that is a part of my life, and Heavenly Father knew it would happen, and thus it was probably something I really needed. And all I can do now is to move on and let myself heal fully. 

Good idea? Good idea :) 

A Date!

What's a date? ;)

So I had a date on Tuesday night that I was super excited about. He was attractive, and pretty cool, and he finally asked for my number at the end of the whole semester. But it didn't turn out to be very much what I expected. Granted, there were a few things that decreased my excitement for it. 

Number 1: I saw Matt the night before and, after talking to him for a half hour, I realized that it is pretty much the most abnormal thing ever to be so close to someone and then have it cut off so abruptly that you have no time to “grow” out of it. It creates the most strange situations and feelings. I hope eventually those will fade. Number 2: I had clinical that next day and 4 quizzes to take before then, so the only time I had to do them was between my last class at 5 and before he picked me up at 6:30. And I had to walk home, shower, and get ready in that time frame as well (don’t worry, I got them done, 2 before the date and 2 after, I’m so glad it was a pretty short date!). And number three: I had no way to get to clinical the next morning since I didn’t have time to go home with my Dad and bring the car back (because of my date at 6:30) and I absolutely dreaded calling the only person in my group who I felt comfortable asking for a ride.

Anyways… so my excitement was a little lessened.  But I was almost ready on time, just a few minutes late, he was pretty good lookin, and we headed out to dinner. We went to a Mexican restaurant in Orem (I forgot what it was called) and ate and then he dropped me off and it was over. Here is what I learned:

• I really don’t like when boys interrupt me in the middle of the sentence. The first time it’s definitely excusable, but when it happens 6, 7, or 8 times during our date, and when he doesn’t even apologize (maybe not even notice) it gets pretty frustrating.

• I realized that it’s harder to talk to some people than others, no matter how hard I try to keep a conversation going smoothly. That was the case this time. Our conversation kept feeling strained or awkward. I think it was because he kept changing topics so fast (with his interruptions) that I couldn’t even finish what I was saying about the first thing he asked before he changed the subject. Oh well.

• When people, especially boys, state “I’m just not a morning person,” and that they just are super grumpy when they have to wake up early, my opinion of them invariably goes down a little bit. I think that’s silly. No one is a morning person. It may be a little easier for some people to get up early, EVERYONE can control when they do or do not get grumpy.

• When boys admit to being moody I have a hard time maintaining the same level of respect I had for them before those words came out of their mouth. Whoops.

• When a boy is not interesting in politics I don’t find him quite as interesting of a person.

Ok, I’m being super harsh. I know that all of these things are just common sayings or bad habits. But I guess I don’t really know how to change that. I’m not really sure how to change who I am attracted to unless I change who I am (which I hope I’m always working on, for the better). Anyways, It was a fun date, and I’m super grateful for him asking me out and spending money on me, but I no longer think I’m interested. Lessons learned, right?

Dates.

So, for some strange reason I have suddenly been asked out a lot. Okay, not a ton, but 0 dates for 3 months and then 3 dates in a week and 2 more dates already planned is kinda a big difference. And it's been quite interesting as I haven't done anything different. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Oh well.  Maybe someday it'll be more exciting.

But I wanted to write some of my pet peeves about dates. Hopefully none of the boys I've been on dates with will ever read this (I'm pretty sure I'm safe...) I used to not care as much, but Matt spoiled me rotten and now I am super picky about things that guys do:

I HATE when guys read their text messages and check their phone on a date. Really? Really. Matt would NEVER do this to me, he was always extremely considerate about that, from our very first date.

I really dislike when boys don't really listen to what I have to say. I mean, if you're really interested in me, then you should probably care about my personality, my opinions, and the things that make me happy. And really? Listen to the answer when you ask a question, please don't interrupt before I'm finished talking. And when you ask a question a few minutes after I already answered it, it really seems like you're not listening at all. Matt was such a good listener. He taught me so much about that. We could talk for hours and I loved it!

Please don't walk in front of me when we're on a date. How inconsiderate is that? That is one of my pet peeves in anything. I hate walking in front of people when I'm with them so I make a conscious effort to walk beside them no matter who I'm with. So boys, you should too, especially on a date!

Explain what we're doing so I don't feel super lost and we park and you get out of the car and I have no idea what is going on.

Introduce your friends (or family members) to me when we're doubling with them. It makes things a little less awkward for me.

And don't laugh under your breath at things I say. If you honestly think I'm ridiculous, I totally understand, but don't ask me out for a second date. It makes me feel humiliated during the date then super confused when you continue to show interest. Have I just lost all ability to read boys? Maybe so.

I guess it is just a respect thing. I can totally feel when a guy really respects me and cares about how I'm feeling verses a guy that just does the "etiquette" things he has been taught (aka opens the doors for me). Guys, when you're taking a girl out pay attention to her! Not the music on the radio, not the text messages from your friends, not the surroundings, not the other people you're with. Obviously don't make it super uncomfortable and creepy, but make her feel like you respect her and are honestly trying to make her have fun. Even if you're embarrassed or nervous. And when you don't show that on a date but then continue to ask her out and show interest, it creates quite the mess of confusion and mixed signals.

As I said, Matt spoiled me. I don't think anyone will ever live up to him. He taught me how to honestly show respect for someone because of how he showed his respect and love for me. Thank you! I don't expect boys to treat me like a queen like Matt did--honestly, I don't. But there is a level of respect that is extremely helpful (and I think necessary) on a date. 

In defense of these boys, I did have a good time, and they are fun people, and I'm grateful for the effort they put into planning those dates and asking me out. It would help though, if I didn't feel confused or embarrassed or even sometimes humiliated. But hey! No big deal, right? :)