2 For the Show

This last weekend I went on two dates. It was super fun. And really good for me. (btw, my dating life is the epitome of the "it never rains but it pours" phrase. I'll go for months without one date and then have like 5 in a two week period). Here are some more things I learned about myself and what I like and dislike:

• Why are there so many boys who don't like reading? When boys don't like it, my interest in them just drops a tiny, teansy bit. But it does drop. I LOVE reading! I think it is such an important part of learning and life. 
• When you don't understand a person's humor it makes a date not quite as fun, just quite confusing. But when you get it, it's funny :) And much less confusing. 
• Going to volunteer at the MTC is really cool. I liked it a lot. Missionaries are so great! 
• I really like creative dates--even if that means we have to walk in the snow for a while. And homemade ice cream is really good. 
• When guys cook for me, my "I'm really impressed" feeling goes up a lot. 
• I stink at bowling.  
• Guys that are not very athletic aren't quite as attractive. 
• When guys can dance it makes them more attractive. :) 

Ok, that's all about those dates. 

Yesterday, for Sacrament meeting, a girl gave a talk about learning to accept what happens in life. She told a personal story of how things have worked out so differently in her life than she thought (in reference to relationships--she's now engaged to a boy who just left on his mission because he's a convert, but now she has to wait two more years. Anyways...). She kept asking God why that had happened, but then, in answer to her prayer, she learned this valuable lesson. We can complain, and worry, and make ourselves miserable grumbling about it, or we can accept it and move on. This talk hit me really hard. 

For so long I've had the question on my mind "why did I have to break off my engagement. Why me? Why did I have to go through a long relationship just to have it not work out? Why did Heavenly Father want me to experience so much awful pain and confusion and frustration? Why can't I get over it already? Why didn't it work out? Why is my heart still hurting, 6 months after the fact? I was trying SO hard to do the right thing! Did I do something wrong? Should I have never gotten engaged? It has caused so much pain, heartache, confusion, loss of confidence in my ability to feel the Spirit, to follow promptings, to make decisions."

But then, while she was giving her talk, I realized that it doesn't matter. There is nothing I can do to go back and change what happened. All my analyzing doesn't change the past. And, like Jen pointed out, if I could go back I would do it all the same. It may have been a mistake to get engaged. I broke someone's heart. I did a lot of things that weren't very smart. But the Atonement can solve all those problems. Being frustrated and angry with Heavenly Father for allowing me to experience that doesn't help me one bit. It actually makes the healing process worse, more painful, and much longer.

In her talk she quoted the story of Saul, when, after going about persecuting the Saints, the Lord called him to repentance. "Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks" (Acts 26:14). She emphasized this phrase: It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks. That's what I have been doing, and it doesn't help one bit. It's hard to do that and still be happy. 

So I'm going to try to not "kick against the pricks" but accept that that is a part of my life, and Heavenly Father knew it would happen, and thus it was probably something I really needed. And all I can do now is to move on and let myself heal fully. 

Good idea? Good idea :)