Sometimes I write posts at night. When I'm really tired and upset. And then I wake up the next morning and read them and I'm like, "Oh my heck! Grow up and stop being so dramatic and emotional." I apologize for the last two posts, no longer posted, that were like that. I'll try to be a bit more mature in future frustrations.
Last night I made the statement that I wasn't in the habit of cliff jumping. Now, this wasn't really talking about real cliff jumping, although I don't do that either. This was more about taking chances. Making the jump or leap into an exciting new "adventure." Being willing to leave security and safety in pursuit of something even better. Even if the opens you up to a very high chance of hurting someone else. And getting hurt yourself.
I've thought about this all day. Was that really what I meant? Did I really want to say that? I think I've come to the conclusion that it was true. However, it was also false.
I felt super inadequate after that statement. Like I had just failed some sort of a test. Am I really just a boring person that is never going to find the joy that requires giving up emotional safety? What is wrong with me?!
However, and perhaps it's because I can't handle that thought, I've decided that I don't think that's true.
I'm not very much of a spontaneous person. This trait has prompted many responses. One of which (the meanest) was that I don't have a personality. I'm a pretty quiet person. I don't do adventurous things often. Not because I don't want to, or wouldn't like to, but because I care more about being a good student, getting good grades, doing things that are conducive to meaningful conversations, or feeling like I'm helping enough at home. I don't often have time to plan-or do-crazy, usually expensive, adventurous things. So my life is pretty calm and predictable.
Hence, my statement is true: I'm not in the habit of going cliff jumping.
My dating experiences have been extremely varied but somehow all exactly the same. I start to like someone. I'm not super sure how much I like him. We go on several dates. My opinion of him varies on a daily basis. Sometimes I like him and think that I want to date him and sometimes I don't like him at all. But we keep going on dates because I'm still unsure. This progresses until he is super invested and asks me to date him. Then one of two things happens. Either I realize in that instant that I don't actually like him (which could or could not be true depending upon why I suddenly think I feel that way) and I tell him that I don't want to date. Or, I think. And think. And pray. And think. And my thoughts go something like this: "He really likes me. He's super sweet. He is a wonderful person. And he treats me so well. Why shouldn't I date him? Besides, I would like to make him happy, and maybe I really do like him more than I think." So I say yes, and we officially begin dating.
I hate the first option. Because if I've spent that much time with someone I usually really begin to care about him. I appreciate his opinion and I really and truly value his friendship. If I say I won't date him we say an awkward goodbye and then I never see him again. And if I do it is always awkward and he always seems super cold and aloof. And I hate it. Because before we were such good friends.
The second option has proven to be almost worse. We officially begin to date, and he is super excited about it, and I try to be excited about it, but I'm still constantly trying to decide if I even like him! This makes me extremely stressed all the time. I don't really know how to act because I don't want to send the wrong message, but we're dating for crying out loud! If I don't like him then I've already sent the wrong message. And I feel horrid about myself. So we date for a few weeks or even for several months. And all the while I'm vacillating between wanting to love him, having a lot of fun, being stressed, and wondering if I even like him. Time with him means time away from homework and family and sleep. Stress means less quality sleep, exhaustion, and moodiness. I get super cranky. I don't feel like I'm on top of my life. I struggle in my classes. I struggle with my relationships with my other friends and with my family. I feel guilty because my scripture study goes down the drain and all I'm doing is reading a chapter before bed, being so tired that I'm not getting anything out of it. I try so hard to put effort into the relationship. I come to care about him so much and to want so badly to make him happy but I feel like I'm being dishonest. So eventually we break up. And he is hurt. And I am hurt plus left with an extremely guilty conscience for going into the relationship being so unsure. If I had just said no in the first place, when I felt like I should, I would have saved both of us so much pain.
At each repeat of this second option, my dislike of dating just gets stronger. And my fear of hurting someone increases. And it just makes the next relationship even worse. And more frustrating. And more guilt ridden.
But this isn't because I don't want to get married. It's not because I don't want to take a chance. It's not because I think dating isn't worth it. It's because so far I haven't wanted to jump off in the first place. I did it hesitantly, unsure, and a tiny bit irked. And then it's more like a rough tumble down a steep, rocky hill. And it never works out at the bottom.
But my statement is false. I still am not in the habit of cliff jumping. But that doesn't mean I don't want to. It's not because I'm not that type of person. It's because so far I haven't been convinced that I have found the person I'm ready to jump with. There are a lot of theories about why I haven't found that person, and most of them center around my attitude, not the person. I think something that I subconsciously do prevents these great boys from becoming that person for me. But no longer am I going to jump (or try to jump and then screech and slide) with someone when I'm not sure if I want to. I don't have to be sure if it will work out, I don't have to be sure that I won't get hurt, or that I won't hurt him. I just have to be sure that I'm willing to risk it because I want to jump bad enough.
And when I do, it's going to be awesome. And I will be the type of person that will grab his hand and jump. And it's gonna be a big, flying leap :)
And this post was still dramatic. Dang it. Sorry!
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Monday, November 19, 2012
Marriage
It's a really interesting fact that every time I break up with someone I suddenly start learning so many things that I wish I had known in that relationship, things that would have made such a big difference. It is actually kind of depressing. Because occasionally it makes me wonder if I had just tried harder if it would have worked out. But those thoughts don't get me anywhere, so I try not to dwell on them.
This breakup has been no different. However, in addition to learning so many principles about dating and relationships and things I could have done so very much better, I have also been reminded over and over again how important marriage is. I have been trying to prepare more to enter the temple soon, and as I have learned more about the temple, the principle of eternal marriage and how vital it is to the Plan of Happiness has been emphasized to me over and over again. I know that I have been taught this my whole life, but for some reason it is just now sinking in. I had always viewed the endowment on an equal level with the sealing ordinance. However, while reading President Packer's book, The Holy Temple, I have realized that that is not the case. However important the endowment is, I think it is still a preparatory ordinance for marriage.
Along with this thought, I have also been impressed with how much I need to prepare now for marriage. I am not suddenly going to become the most positive person, I am not immediately going to be blessed with never ending patience, and I am not suddenly going to be the most efficient, productive time manager ever. So much of what I have learned lately has prompted me to be more diligent at developing the characteristics I will need so much in marriage and parenthood.
Here is a very abridged list of the things I want to remember from this relationship:
Keep your priorities straight! You will forever feel guilty if you don't maintain the vital things in life while in a relationship: scripture study, prayer, your relationship with your Father in Heaven, and adequate time for sleep. I know it will be hard, and other things are going to have to drop out of your life to maintain these ones, but I truly believe that doing this will help you maintain the peace and closeness to the Holy Ghost that you need to be a clear judge about a relationship.
Boys express their love differently than you do! I was often bothered by the fact that after Taylor and I kissed goodnight he would tell me how much he loved me. To me the timing suggested that much of his love for me was based off of physical attraction. While I know I can't know this for sure, something my Marriage and Family teacher taught is that often it is the physical part of a relationship that allows men to open up emotionally. However, for women it is usually the opposite. It is the emotional closeness in a relationship that propels the physical aspect for girls. Knowing this, I believe I would have better understood Taylor.
Don't be too hasty to be exclusive. The lessons I have learned in my marriage and family class in the past several weeks have really made me think about the way I approach relationships. I don't know how well this will carry over into what I actually do, but one thing I really want to be better at is taking the necessary time to get to know someone enough before I exclusively date them. This includes seeing them with their friends, with my friends, and in bigger groups of people. Seeing how they interact, how they treat others. I guess do a lot more observing and analyzing before I am committed to them rather than after we start dating.
Once you've made the decision to be exclusive, give it everything. Because I often don't feel ready to be exclusive, once we are I still hesitate. I think that is like death to a relationship. If I am still questioning, and holding back, and trying to figure out if I even want to date him while he is moving full steam ahead, serving me, giving it his whole effort, we're definitely going to be off kilter. I think this may be one of the factors that has contributed to the fact that so far in every relationship I have been in I am always waaaaay behind my bf in how much we care about each other.
Communicate well from the very beginning. Jen has taught me lots about this, but I am still so bad at it! I hold things inside that bother me and they just eat at the relationship for far too long. Either until I finally tell him (when it has become way more of a big deal than it otherwise would have been) or until we break up and I never actually tell him so many of the things that were bothering me. I honestly don't know if this would have changed the outcome of a relationship, but it would at least have eliminated some frustration and hurt on my part, and hurt and confusion on his part.
Appreciate and express gratitude for the little things. Every time I break up I realize how many of the little sweet gestures of love I took for granted. Really expressing my gratitude for those things would help me feel more for him I believe.
Offer compliments. I always am hesitant to do this because I worry that I will appear more emotionally invested than I actually am. Or something like that. However, I think by emphasizing their strengths and things you love about them to them helps you remember that you love it about them. I really am terrible at this. I always thought I was good at paying compliments. Ha. Not in relationships, that's for sure.
Ask why. Many things I learned in my marriage and family class about the different ways men and women feel, express, or approach life has given me insight into why Taylor did things that he did (again, I can't say this for certain, but I really think I understand him better). If I had just asked why instead of coming to my own conclusions and getting annoyed, I wouldn't have been so frustrated.
And that is the very abridged list :) I just hope I can carry these lessons into a relationship, rather than just remembering them once the relationship has ended. And someday I will have a celestial marriage. It just might take me a couple 10 more years or so.
This breakup has been no different. However, in addition to learning so many principles about dating and relationships and things I could have done so very much better, I have also been reminded over and over again how important marriage is. I have been trying to prepare more to enter the temple soon, and as I have learned more about the temple, the principle of eternal marriage and how vital it is to the Plan of Happiness has been emphasized to me over and over again. I know that I have been taught this my whole life, but for some reason it is just now sinking in. I had always viewed the endowment on an equal level with the sealing ordinance. However, while reading President Packer's book, The Holy Temple, I have realized that that is not the case. However important the endowment is, I think it is still a preparatory ordinance for marriage.
Here is a very abridged list of the things I want to remember from this relationship:
Keep your priorities straight! You will forever feel guilty if you don't maintain the vital things in life while in a relationship: scripture study, prayer, your relationship with your Father in Heaven, and adequate time for sleep. I know it will be hard, and other things are going to have to drop out of your life to maintain these ones, but I truly believe that doing this will help you maintain the peace and closeness to the Holy Ghost that you need to be a clear judge about a relationship.
Boys express their love differently than you do! I was often bothered by the fact that after Taylor and I kissed goodnight he would tell me how much he loved me. To me the timing suggested that much of his love for me was based off of physical attraction. While I know I can't know this for sure, something my Marriage and Family teacher taught is that often it is the physical part of a relationship that allows men to open up emotionally. However, for women it is usually the opposite. It is the emotional closeness in a relationship that propels the physical aspect for girls. Knowing this, I believe I would have better understood Taylor.
Don't be too hasty to be exclusive. The lessons I have learned in my marriage and family class in the past several weeks have really made me think about the way I approach relationships. I don't know how well this will carry over into what I actually do, but one thing I really want to be better at is taking the necessary time to get to know someone enough before I exclusively date them. This includes seeing them with their friends, with my friends, and in bigger groups of people. Seeing how they interact, how they treat others. I guess do a lot more observing and analyzing before I am committed to them rather than after we start dating.
Communicate well from the very beginning. Jen has taught me lots about this, but I am still so bad at it! I hold things inside that bother me and they just eat at the relationship for far too long. Either until I finally tell him (when it has become way more of a big deal than it otherwise would have been) or until we break up and I never actually tell him so many of the things that were bothering me. I honestly don't know if this would have changed the outcome of a relationship, but it would at least have eliminated some frustration and hurt on my part, and hurt and confusion on his part.
Appreciate and express gratitude for the little things. Every time I break up I realize how many of the little sweet gestures of love I took for granted. Really expressing my gratitude for those things would help me feel more for him I believe.
Offer compliments. I always am hesitant to do this because I worry that I will appear more emotionally invested than I actually am. Or something like that. However, I think by emphasizing their strengths and things you love about them to them helps you remember that you love it about them. I really am terrible at this. I always thought I was good at paying compliments. Ha. Not in relationships, that's for sure.
Ask why. Many things I learned in my marriage and family class about the different ways men and women feel, express, or approach life has given me insight into why Taylor did things that he did (again, I can't say this for certain, but I really think I understand him better). If I had just asked why instead of coming to my own conclusions and getting annoyed, I wouldn't have been so frustrated.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Waiting and Clinical days
I have been so impatient these last few days. I just want my call already! It's Wednesday, which hopefully gives me just one more week to wait. I want to spend lots of that super busy so time goes by faster. (Or sleeping. Time goes by pretty fast when I do that, too). I dreamed that I got called to Bangkok. It was a pretty vivid dream. But I've also had a super vivid dream about 5 months ago that I was called to Ukraine. So we'll see.
Today I have been missing Taylor so dang much! I don't know what it is. I think it has to do with the emotional stress of clinical and just wanting someone to listen to me and hug me and tell me I'm wonderful. I'm ridiculous. Hard days make me miss him more. Which then makes it even a harder day. Mostly I think it's because I just don't have much time to talk to people besides psych patients all day and I just want someone to tell my thoughts to. Thank goodness for memory and knowing that it was the right thing to do. This is a pretty normal part of my breaking up process. I'll get over it soon.
Every time I leave my psych clinical I feel so odd. When I leave and come back to BYU I forget that all the people walking around me are not psych patients and are mostly likely healthy, normal, fun, safe college students. They don't need to be talked to in a simple way, I don't need to try to ensure that my conversation is therapeutic, and I don't need to be worried! Oh goodness. What has nursing done to me? I think it is also related to the fact that I hear so many awful, tragic, often gruesome life stories of the patients I'm working with. It's really sad. I wish there was an answer to this! Why is this world so very wicked?
This last little while I've really realized the importance of taking care of your emotional, mental, and physical health. (probably due to my psychiatric nursing class). Time to relax, to de stress, to just ponder and think and become peaceful is so very important for everyone. I want to explore things that are simple that I can do right now so that I can continue doing them when I become a mom and have so much more stress than I have right now. Have you guys found anything helpful to de stress that doesn't take special equipment or tons of time?
Today I have been missing Taylor so dang much! I don't know what it is. I think it has to do with the emotional stress of clinical and just wanting someone to listen to me and hug me and tell me I'm wonderful. I'm ridiculous. Hard days make me miss him more. Which then makes it even a harder day. Mostly I think it's because I just don't have much time to talk to people besides psych patients all day and I just want someone to tell my thoughts to. Thank goodness for memory and knowing that it was the right thing to do. This is a pretty normal part of my breaking up process. I'll get over it soon.
Every time I leave my psych clinical I feel so odd. When I leave and come back to BYU I forget that all the people walking around me are not psych patients and are mostly likely healthy, normal, fun, safe college students. They don't need to be talked to in a simple way, I don't need to try to ensure that my conversation is therapeutic, and I don't need to be worried! Oh goodness. What has nursing done to me? I think it is also related to the fact that I hear so many awful, tragic, often gruesome life stories of the patients I'm working with. It's really sad. I wish there was an answer to this! Why is this world so very wicked?
This last little while I've really realized the importance of taking care of your emotional, mental, and physical health. (probably due to my psychiatric nursing class). Time to relax, to de stress, to just ponder and think and become peaceful is so very important for everyone. I want to explore things that are simple that I can do right now so that I can continue doing them when I become a mom and have so much more stress than I have right now. Have you guys found anything helpful to de stress that doesn't take special equipment or tons of time?
Monday, November 5, 2012
My heart and other musings.
Today was harder than yesterday. I expected that. I knew it would be harder on a day when I was used to seeing him often. I ended up seeing him once, quite unexpectedly, and it hurt. It made me cry just a bit. How terribly he is hurting now. But something that has been mentioned to me so many times by various people is that if it is right for me, then it is right for him. And I need to believe that this can turn out to be a blessing in his life and eventually things will turn out for both of our greatest happiness.
I get into this bad mindset where everything seems negative to me. Every option seems so unappealing. For example-in my marriage and family class we obviously talked about marriage and at first I was feeling sorry for myself that that wouldn't happen for a long time. However, when I imagined it late while talking to a friend who is about to get engaged, the whole idea of marriage seemed repulsive to me. But, when I was talking about going on a mission, I was apathetic about that option as well. I need to keep up my excitement for a mission and not let my frustration and sadness inhibit my progress.
I'm competing in dancsport this weekend after all. I wasn't planning on it because I didn't have a partner, but I found one today. I'm excited. For some reason my motivation to dance drastically increased the last few days. I can't quite figure out why.
I had a long discussion today about desire-how do we know what we want, what we desire? In all aspects of our lives? What thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions reveal our desires? Do some people know their desires better than others? How do little children seem to always know what they want?
I've pondered a lot lately about why I have never fallen in love. It is so tempting to think something is wrong with me. I have come up with a reasons that are besides that fact that maybe I just haven't met someone I should marry. I've mentioned some of them before.
I've really been wanting to cook pumpkin containing foods. I'm going to try pumpkin muffins tomorrow morning. The pumpkin is actually cooking in the oven currently.
And I'm going to go to bed. I might as well catch up on sleep now that I don't have a bf to keep me up late. ha ha
ha
h
G'night!
I get into this bad mindset where everything seems negative to me. Every option seems so unappealing. For example-in my marriage and family class we obviously talked about marriage and at first I was feeling sorry for myself that that wouldn't happen for a long time. However, when I imagined it late while talking to a friend who is about to get engaged, the whole idea of marriage seemed repulsive to me. But, when I was talking about going on a mission, I was apathetic about that option as well. I need to keep up my excitement for a mission and not let my frustration and sadness inhibit my progress.
I'm competing in dancsport this weekend after all. I wasn't planning on it because I didn't have a partner, but I found one today. I'm excited. For some reason my motivation to dance drastically increased the last few days. I can't quite figure out why.
I had a long discussion today about desire-how do we know what we want, what we desire? In all aspects of our lives? What thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions reveal our desires? Do some people know their desires better than others? How do little children seem to always know what they want?
I've pondered a lot lately about why I have never fallen in love. It is so tempting to think something is wrong with me. I have come up with a reasons that are besides that fact that maybe I just haven't met someone I should marry. I've mentioned some of them before.
- I am too judgmental or critical. My parents hate when I say this because they think that whenever a relationship doesn't work out I blame myself. I understand that sometimes it's just not meant to work out, but I also understand that I have a very narrow view of how someone should act, what's cool or not, or what's socially acceptable. I know this is a problem when I see someone who I view as "cool" do something I was super critical of when done by someone I dated. Because I had never seen someone who I saw was above me on the social ladder do it, I assumed it was weird. But when I did see one of those cool people do it I realized it was okay. How ridiculous can I get? How do I fix this horrid habit?
- I'm just not ready to be married. I had a conversation with a friend today about how before he felt ready to be married, before he felt like he was close to being ready for that option, he wasn't as desirous to get into a serious relationship. However, after a certain point, after a specific occasion, he felt like he was ready, and from then on he has been much more interesting in girls and has been much more ready to pursue someone seriously. I don't think I feel at all ready. I don't feel capable. I don't feel mature enough. I don't feel independent enough.
- My desire to go on a mission created a mental block. I always viewed a mission as my time to mature and to grow up. This relates to the previous point. For some reason, I always thought that I would be ready to be married after I served a mission, but until then I wasn't mature enough or I hadn't learned the things I needed to learn to take that eternally significant step. As I have thought about coming home from a mission I have realized how much that has played a role in my feelings of readiness. Once I am back I can see myself reaching that point where I am ready to pursue a serious relationship. I pray that this will enable me to someday fall completely in love-to the point where I just can't wait to marry that certain someone and grow with him and create a family with him and be witn him for eternity.
I've really been wanting to cook pumpkin containing foods. I'm going to try pumpkin muffins tomorrow morning. The pumpkin is actually cooking in the oven currently.
And I'm going to go to bed. I might as well catch up on sleep now that I don't have a bf to keep me up late. ha ha
ha
h
G'night!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Happiness
I've realized a lot of things about myself since Thursday night. Most of them are weaknesses that I have. But because I've realized them I think I can now work on making them better.
Something that became apparent last night after Taylor dropped me off (*side note: the dinner was good. It was fun but somewhat uncomfortable and I didn't know how he expected me to act. But it turned out fine thankfully) is that I have a tendency to almost increase my sadness by doing things that will make me cry rather than trying harder to move on and be happy. Last night I was super tempted to play love songs on the piano. I knew that if I tried to sing along I would just cry and cry thinking about Taylor. So I didn't. Instead, I started cleaning my room. I think that was a good choice...
Another thing I realized about myself is that I have a hard time not remembering all the wonderful and positive things about a relationship or about a person. I forget about the reasons I broke up with him and remember all the sweet things he did for me or the funny personality traits he has that I loved or the things that remind me of him. Of course this makes me start to question why I broke up with him in the first place since everything was obviously so wonderful. I have had to be more logical and remember that there were big reasons that I broke up with him-things that are still there and most likely will always still be there.
I also have been thinking lots about how I am motivated by my desires or wants. I think most of my life my desires have pushed me to do good things, so I have thought little about not doing what I wanted. Lately, however, my desires have not always been things I could follow through with. I have found myself reasoning that it's fine because I want to do it. However, I have realized how wrong that is. Wanting to do something is of course not permission to do it. I don't know if this makes any sense at all. But it has kind of been a enlightening thing for me lately.
Mostly what I have realized is that I have not been proactive in being happy. It is so easy to just mosey along with whatever my emotions dictate. But sometimes that's not okay. As of now it would be silly and unwise of me to give in to urges to feel sorry for myself, to focus on my unfortunate happenings, and to do things that will increase my sadness. Instead I need to remember the reasons I broke up with him and do things to be happy-serve others, read scriptures, pray, and trust in Heavenly Father.
Something that became apparent last night after Taylor dropped me off (*side note: the dinner was good. It was fun but somewhat uncomfortable and I didn't know how he expected me to act. But it turned out fine thankfully) is that I have a tendency to almost increase my sadness by doing things that will make me cry rather than trying harder to move on and be happy. Last night I was super tempted to play love songs on the piano. I knew that if I tried to sing along I would just cry and cry thinking about Taylor. So I didn't. Instead, I started cleaning my room. I think that was a good choice...
Another thing I realized about myself is that I have a hard time not remembering all the wonderful and positive things about a relationship or about a person. I forget about the reasons I broke up with him and remember all the sweet things he did for me or the funny personality traits he has that I loved or the things that remind me of him. Of course this makes me start to question why I broke up with him in the first place since everything was obviously so wonderful. I have had to be more logical and remember that there were big reasons that I broke up with him-things that are still there and most likely will always still be there.
I also have been thinking lots about how I am motivated by my desires or wants. I think most of my life my desires have pushed me to do good things, so I have thought little about not doing what I wanted. Lately, however, my desires have not always been things I could follow through with. I have found myself reasoning that it's fine because I want to do it. However, I have realized how wrong that is. Wanting to do something is of course not permission to do it. I don't know if this makes any sense at all. But it has kind of been a enlightening thing for me lately.
Mostly what I have realized is that I have not been proactive in being happy. It is so easy to just mosey along with whatever my emotions dictate. But sometimes that's not okay. As of now it would be silly and unwise of me to give in to urges to feel sorry for myself, to focus on my unfortunate happenings, and to do things that will increase my sadness. Instead I need to remember the reasons I broke up with him and do things to be happy-serve others, read scriptures, pray, and trust in Heavenly Father.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Moving On
Last night I broke up with Taylor.
It was super difficult. My eyes are still puffy from crying.
I left work and felt like I should go to the temple. As I was walking out the door to drive to Provo I had the thought "I'm going to break up with Taylor tonight." My head replied "Of course I'm not! What an awful time. And I don't want to right now" and I continued on my way to the temple. I got there and it was more crowded than I have ever seen. I waited in an adjunct chapel for about 45 minutes and then once I got in the actual chapel in front of the font it took about another hour and a half. The whole time I could not stop thinking about ending this relationship. The thought persisted that I needed to break up with him right after I left the temple. It made me sick to my stomach to think about it. But I decided I couldn't ignore my feelings any longer and needed to just do it.
I drove to his apt and we just talked and then I accidentally fell asleep on his couch (whoops!). When I woke up a half hour later I thought for sure I couldn't do it that night. However, when we were saying goodbye he realized I still needed to talk. So he got in the passengers seat and thus began a 4 hr long conversation that resulted in us breaking up.
My heart hurts thinking about how much pain I have caused him. How I wish I could just be in love! I just want to get married to someone who makes me so happy and start a family. But I knew I wasn't feeling what I needed to move forward in our relationship. Why do I get the opportunity to date amazing, wonderful boys and then realize that I just can't fall in love? Am I being too picky? Am I looking for something that doesn't exist?
Whatever it is, I need to have faith that Heavenly Father is intimately aware of my circumstances. He knows how awful it is to break up. He knows what pain we both are feeling. But He also knows what will bring us incomprehensible joy. I believe that. I just need to trust Him.
It was super difficult. My eyes are still puffy from crying.
I left work and felt like I should go to the temple. As I was walking out the door to drive to Provo I had the thought "I'm going to break up with Taylor tonight." My head replied "Of course I'm not! What an awful time. And I don't want to right now" and I continued on my way to the temple. I got there and it was more crowded than I have ever seen. I waited in an adjunct chapel for about 45 minutes and then once I got in the actual chapel in front of the font it took about another hour and a half. The whole time I could not stop thinking about ending this relationship. The thought persisted that I needed to break up with him right after I left the temple. It made me sick to my stomach to think about it. But I decided I couldn't ignore my feelings any longer and needed to just do it.
I drove to his apt and we just talked and then I accidentally fell asleep on his couch (whoops!). When I woke up a half hour later I thought for sure I couldn't do it that night. However, when we were saying goodbye he realized I still needed to talk. So he got in the passengers seat and thus began a 4 hr long conversation that resulted in us breaking up.
My heart hurts thinking about how much pain I have caused him. How I wish I could just be in love! I just want to get married to someone who makes me so happy and start a family. But I knew I wasn't feeling what I needed to move forward in our relationship. Why do I get the opportunity to date amazing, wonderful boys and then realize that I just can't fall in love? Am I being too picky? Am I looking for something that doesn't exist?
Whatever it is, I need to have faith that Heavenly Father is intimately aware of my circumstances. He knows how awful it is to break up. He knows what pain we both are feeling. But He also knows what will bring us incomprehensible joy. I believe that. I just need to trust Him.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
A jumble of thoughts
This last week has been busy. I have been such a grump! Being tired, stressed, and overwhelmed and always feeling like I'm falling short is not good to my mood. And then I feel awful because these are the times when it would be most important if I was truly kind and Christlike and these are the times I fail! But I have the rest of my life to improve. I just have to keep trying...
I finished ICU and breathed a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, that made me forget about my post assessment, my two tests this coming week, and my hours of homework due on Tuesday... I like busy Mondays, right?
I ran the Halloween half marathon and have been in pain since. Oh my goodness I've never been this sore in my entire life! My knees kill because lots of the race was downhill, my hips are popping twice as much as usual, my calves are super sore. Even my abs and my shoulders and my neck are sore! And if you were wondering...the 6th and 12th mile felt the longest, the 13th mile was the most painful, and the 0.1 at the end almost made me cry because I just wanted to be done already! But it was still worth it. I can now say I've run a half marathon. And I'll train better next time :)
I've been asked out twice in the past week or so. Those were the first times since I started dating Taylor. Both of them were at church. I think I'm way more social at church than anywhere else. It was kind of awkward to be like-"oh, I'm dating someone." Oh well. Whatevs.
Speaking of dating someone...Taylor has been gone for the weekend to a cousin's wedding. I guess I'm a needy girlfriend but I just don't know why he's been so non-communicative. It's kind of bothered me a little. I've missed him more than I thought I would but not as much as I wished I would. Interpret that if you can.
I still have not decided about what to do about a mission. I do know that I have to make a decision on my own and then pray about it. Heavenly Father isn't going to send me a lightening bolt to tell me what to do. But I hate making decisions. I'm paralyzed with my fear of choosing the wrong path and finding out just in time. I don't want to do that again. It hurts. Lots. But I need to choose what I feel will make me the happiest and go with it. Being indecisive is the worst. And it complicates my life planning capabilities. Good thing I've never been much of a planner anyways! :)
But now it's time for bed. I need to get some sleep to help this tired, sore body of mine recover. I need to remember to be grateful and not let my confusion, my indecision, or my fear overshadow my ability to be happy. Life really is beautiful. How can I complain about having such amazing options to choose from?
I finished ICU and breathed a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, that made me forget about my post assessment, my two tests this coming week, and my hours of homework due on Tuesday... I like busy Mondays, right?
I ran the Halloween half marathon and have been in pain since. Oh my goodness I've never been this sore in my entire life! My knees kill because lots of the race was downhill, my hips are popping twice as much as usual, my calves are super sore. Even my abs and my shoulders and my neck are sore! And if you were wondering...the 6th and 12th mile felt the longest, the 13th mile was the most painful, and the 0.1 at the end almost made me cry because I just wanted to be done already! But it was still worth it. I can now say I've run a half marathon. And I'll train better next time :)
I've been asked out twice in the past week or so. Those were the first times since I started dating Taylor. Both of them were at church. I think I'm way more social at church than anywhere else. It was kind of awkward to be like-"oh, I'm dating someone." Oh well. Whatevs.
Speaking of dating someone...Taylor has been gone for the weekend to a cousin's wedding. I guess I'm a needy girlfriend but I just don't know why he's been so non-communicative. It's kind of bothered me a little. I've missed him more than I thought I would but not as much as I wished I would. Interpret that if you can.
I still have not decided about what to do about a mission. I do know that I have to make a decision on my own and then pray about it. Heavenly Father isn't going to send me a lightening bolt to tell me what to do. But I hate making decisions. I'm paralyzed with my fear of choosing the wrong path and finding out just in time. I don't want to do that again. It hurts. Lots. But I need to choose what I feel will make me the happiest and go with it. Being indecisive is the worst. And it complicates my life planning capabilities. Good thing I've never been much of a planner anyways! :)
But now it's time for bed. I need to get some sleep to help this tired, sore body of mine recover. I need to remember to be grateful and not let my confusion, my indecision, or my fear overshadow my ability to be happy. Life really is beautiful. How can I complain about having such amazing options to choose from?
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Too independent?
FYI Jen and Quince-this is the post I told you I've been thinking lots about. I finally posted it.
I've always been slightly independent, but since I've been in relationships that desire for independence (or maybe more accurately described as my fear of being trapped) has definitely increased. I think several things have played a role in this:
After abruptly losing my best friend when our relationship didn't work out, I was extremely lonely. I missed him. I missed his support and love. I missed having someone always there. It was hard. Because of that, I started analyzing my emotional dependence upon other individuals. It was super clear that when I was in a relationship I was much more whiny and wimpy than when I was single. When you're single you don't have one person that loves you more than anyone else. Hence, you learn to just 'buck up and deal with it.' Outside of a relationship I was really good at that. However, in a relationship I'm terrible.
After this discovery I vowed that I wouldn't let that happen again. It made me whiny and annoying and it wasn't healthy. I told myself that I wanted a relationship where I was not emotionally dependent, but I was just in love and wanted to be with him all the time. I didn't want to have the desire to be with him super strong only when I needed someone to lean on, someone to comfort and hug me, someone to validate me.
Then the thoughts of "What is the purpose of marriage" and "Is that the biggest reason I should want to get married?" began to be constant contemplation. Was my idea of marriage all wrong? Why would we have to get married at all besides to have children? If it's just to have children, then yes, I guess polygamy is more okay (not that I liked it the least bit more, but it was more understandable to me that way). And this was my deduction: "Okay then, it doesn't really matter who I marry as long as he is righteous, he can be a good father and we can get sealed in the temple. Because I need to be emotionally independent of any other human being. It doesn't matter. I only need to rely on my Heavenly Father. And all that matters is my relationship with Him and how I live my life."
I must admit that that made me rather bitter. It was frustrating. But it also made me want to "be completely fine without anyone. I was tough and I could do it. Ta heck with everything else!"
I've always been slightly independent, but since I've been in relationships that desire for independence (or maybe more accurately described as my fear of being trapped) has definitely increased. I think several things have played a role in this:
After abruptly losing my best friend when our relationship didn't work out, I was extremely lonely. I missed him. I missed his support and love. I missed having someone always there. It was hard. Because of that, I started analyzing my emotional dependence upon other individuals. It was super clear that when I was in a relationship I was much more whiny and wimpy than when I was single. When you're single you don't have one person that loves you more than anyone else. Hence, you learn to just 'buck up and deal with it.' Outside of a relationship I was really good at that. However, in a relationship I'm terrible.
After this discovery I vowed that I wouldn't let that happen again. It made me whiny and annoying and it wasn't healthy. I told myself that I wanted a relationship where I was not emotionally dependent, but I was just in love and wanted to be with him all the time. I didn't want to have the desire to be with him super strong only when I needed someone to lean on, someone to comfort and hug me, someone to validate me.
*****
Another contributing factor is the way that I learned to deal with the concept of polygamy. There was a period in my life when I became really upset, confused, and frustrated about polygamy. Why would Heavenly Father ever command it? I felt that everything we are taught in the church, in the scriptures, in conference talks about marriage and the relationship between a man and a woman can't apply to polygamy. You cannot become one, or cleave unto each other, when there are three people in a relationship! I was really upset. I began to try to analyze what bothered me so much about it. It came down to the fact that I would never feel safe, loved, protected, or secure if I knew my husband loved someone as much, or more than, me. And that is what I was looking for in a relationship. I was looking for that emotional security, that comfort, that assurance that no matter what someone else thought of me, my husband would always love and support me above anyone else.
Then the thoughts of "What is the purpose of marriage" and "Is that the biggest reason I should want to get married?" began to be constant contemplation. Was my idea of marriage all wrong? Why would we have to get married at all besides to have children? If it's just to have children, then yes, I guess polygamy is more okay (not that I liked it the least bit more, but it was more understandable to me that way). And this was my deduction: "Okay then, it doesn't really matter who I marry as long as he is righteous, he can be a good father and we can get sealed in the temple. Because I need to be emotionally independent of any other human being. It doesn't matter. I only need to rely on my Heavenly Father. And all that matters is my relationship with Him and how I live my life."
I must admit that that made me rather bitter. It was frustrating. But it also made me want to "be completely fine without anyone. I was tough and I could do it. Ta heck with everything else!"
*****
As mentioned in a previous blog post, when I am in a relationship I feel like I become a worse person. I don't feel like I am living my life the way I should. I think this has a lot to do with my obsession of being emotionally independent.
I've been dating Taylor for a month now, and I've been fighting to not become dependent upon him. I hated realizing that I was frustrated at him if he didn't text me back when I wanted someone to validate or assure me. I hated knowing that something like that could impact the way I felt during the day. I should be fine without anyone else.
This past Monday Taylor and I talked about this concept. I was feeling miserable. I was so sick and my head hurt so bad. I had tons to get done for my Tuesday classes but instead of working I was sitting there with my head on Taylor's shoulder whining about how sick I was. He was super nice and was trying to think of ways to help me. He suggested that I just go to bed and not finish what I needed to do. That was ludicrous. Of course I had to do my homework. "I'm fine!" I protested. "If you weren't here I would have probably cried a tiny bit and then scolded myself for being winy and buckled in and studied. I hate feeling like I'm more wimpy when I have someone to complain to. I'm fine." He didn't really like this response. He made a comment about how he wanted me to feel like I could rely on his support. He said he wanted to feel needed, to feel like he could help me. This sparked a conversation about the purpose of marriage (haha, that sounds awkward. It wasn't, don't worry). We cannot make it to the Celestial kingdom on our own. Why is that? Why do we need someone else? Why the scripture "neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Cor 11:11)? My previous assumption then, that it only mattered how I lived my life was partially incorrect. Because I cannot have the fullness of joy in the celestial kingdom without a husband.
What, then, is the balance? Is it wrong to be emotionally dependent on someone else? How much of the purpose of marriage is to provide support? Am I too independent? How do you become a better person with someone else?
Thoughts?
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Decisions. Aren't they about...Time?
I have been trying to make a decision in my life for quite some time now. This decision has been about serving a full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The first time a mission was part of my decision making was Fall semester of 2010. Specifically December, 2010. This was when Matt told me he loved me and asked me to marry him the first time. I had dreamed of going on a mission my whole life. It was definitely in my plans. When I was faced with a decision about marriage, my heart ached with the thought of never having the opportunity to serve a mission as a single. However, I was willing to give that up if I was supposed to get married. Well, I broke up with Matt soon after that (again). It wasn't because of a mission, it was because it wasn't right. But a happy perk was that a mission was still in my plans.
The second time I faced this decision was in the Spring of 2011. This time when Matt proposed, I said yes. I still wanted to serve a mission, but I realized that that was not my first priority, whereas becoming a wife and mother was. So I gave up my dream to serve a mission, and worked on preparing to get married. Well, that ended up not working out after all. In the fall of 2011 I was again starting school 100% single.
The next time I had to seriously think about a mission was in March of this year. I would be turning 21 that summer and knew I could potentially leave on a mission before Fall semester started. The nursing program needed to know if I was going to stay and continue on in school or if I was deferring. I went and talked to the counselor. I chose to not defer, knowing that if I ended up going I still had a little wiggle room to defer. So I put off that decision and told the nursing program that I was staying indefinitely. However, I took mission prep and started casually thinking about it during spring term. The desire to go was just not there. I wanted to want to go, but my mission prep teacher told me that wasn't enough. So I waited, and pushed it to the back of my mind.
It came up again when I went to Alaska over the summer. I turned 21, the age I needed to be to serve a mission. I analyzed my feelings. Did I want to serve a mission? What was the reason I wanted to before? Were my previous motivations appropriate? I knew I wanted to be a returned sister missionary, I wanted to have that strength I saw in so many RM's. I knew I didn't have to go on a mission to gain that, but that seemed like the fastest way. But I didn't have a super strong desire to preach the gospel.
While in Alaska I started an application for the BYU Jerusalem Center Study Abroad. This was also something I had previously desired to do. After counsel with my Dad, Quince and Jen, and Heavenly Father (and my own feelings) I decided that I didn't really want to go to the Jerusalem Center all that much, at least not $10,000 worth. I re read my patriarchal blessing, I prayed about a mission, I talked with Quince and Jen and decided that I would, indeed, serve a mission. I would go home and immediately start my papers. I was not super excited about it, but I felt I had already been given guidance from my Father in Heaven and I knew what I needed to do.
I got back to Utah and started my papers. The more I worked on them, the more excited I got. I talked to a good friend who had her call and I felt peaceful about my decision to go. I felt like the timing was right-I would go one more semester at BYU and then defer and leave on my mission sometime after Christmas.
However, in addition to starting my papers upon my return, I also started going on dates with Taylor. After about 3 weeks of 'casual' dating we began dating exclusively. I told him about my desire to serve a mission. I told him I had already started my papers. I told him I would make the decision when I came to it. I decided to hold off on turning in my papers (I could have turned them in the middle of August) to date him and see where things went.
Now it's the middle of September. We've been dating for almost one month. I've gone through the same cycle of changing my mind every day about how I feel like all of my previous relationships. I have questioned it a lot. I didn't think I wanted to continue dating but then it got better and I didn't break up. I had an interview with my Bishop last night and told him I was going to continue dating Taylor until I needed to let the nursing program know if I was deferring. They usually send us an email about it in October. I knew it was coming up, but I still had a few weeks. I felt calm and sure that I would know, that things would work out, that the decision would be clear.
I just got that email. I need to have my capstone placement request turned in by next Thursday. I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this decision yet.
There are so many factors in this decision process. Some shouldn't be there, but they are. They include
Wish me luck (and prayers) in making this decision that seems so eternally significant.
The first time a mission was part of my decision making was Fall semester of 2010. Specifically December, 2010. This was when Matt told me he loved me and asked me to marry him the first time. I had dreamed of going on a mission my whole life. It was definitely in my plans. When I was faced with a decision about marriage, my heart ached with the thought of never having the opportunity to serve a mission as a single. However, I was willing to give that up if I was supposed to get married. Well, I broke up with Matt soon after that (again). It wasn't because of a mission, it was because it wasn't right. But a happy perk was that a mission was still in my plans.
The second time I faced this decision was in the Spring of 2011. This time when Matt proposed, I said yes. I still wanted to serve a mission, but I realized that that was not my first priority, whereas becoming a wife and mother was. So I gave up my dream to serve a mission, and worked on preparing to get married. Well, that ended up not working out after all. In the fall of 2011 I was again starting school 100% single.
The next time I had to seriously think about a mission was in March of this year. I would be turning 21 that summer and knew I could potentially leave on a mission before Fall semester started. The nursing program needed to know if I was going to stay and continue on in school or if I was deferring. I went and talked to the counselor. I chose to not defer, knowing that if I ended up going I still had a little wiggle room to defer. So I put off that decision and told the nursing program that I was staying indefinitely. However, I took mission prep and started casually thinking about it during spring term. The desire to go was just not there. I wanted to want to go, but my mission prep teacher told me that wasn't enough. So I waited, and pushed it to the back of my mind.
It came up again when I went to Alaska over the summer. I turned 21, the age I needed to be to serve a mission. I analyzed my feelings. Did I want to serve a mission? What was the reason I wanted to before? Were my previous motivations appropriate? I knew I wanted to be a returned sister missionary, I wanted to have that strength I saw in so many RM's. I knew I didn't have to go on a mission to gain that, but that seemed like the fastest way. But I didn't have a super strong desire to preach the gospel.
While in Alaska I started an application for the BYU Jerusalem Center Study Abroad. This was also something I had previously desired to do. After counsel with my Dad, Quince and Jen, and Heavenly Father (and my own feelings) I decided that I didn't really want to go to the Jerusalem Center all that much, at least not $10,000 worth. I re read my patriarchal blessing, I prayed about a mission, I talked with Quince and Jen and decided that I would, indeed, serve a mission. I would go home and immediately start my papers. I was not super excited about it, but I felt I had already been given guidance from my Father in Heaven and I knew what I needed to do.
I got back to Utah and started my papers. The more I worked on them, the more excited I got. I talked to a good friend who had her call and I felt peaceful about my decision to go. I felt like the timing was right-I would go one more semester at BYU and then defer and leave on my mission sometime after Christmas.
However, in addition to starting my papers upon my return, I also started going on dates with Taylor. After about 3 weeks of 'casual' dating we began dating exclusively. I told him about my desire to serve a mission. I told him I had already started my papers. I told him I would make the decision when I came to it. I decided to hold off on turning in my papers (I could have turned them in the middle of August) to date him and see where things went.
Now it's the middle of September. We've been dating for almost one month. I've gone through the same cycle of changing my mind every day about how I feel like all of my previous relationships. I have questioned it a lot. I didn't think I wanted to continue dating but then it got better and I didn't break up. I had an interview with my Bishop last night and told him I was going to continue dating Taylor until I needed to let the nursing program know if I was deferring. They usually send us an email about it in October. I knew it was coming up, but I still had a few weeks. I felt calm and sure that I would know, that things would work out, that the decision would be clear.
I just got that email. I need to have my capstone placement request turned in by next Thursday. I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this decision yet.
There are so many factors in this decision process. Some shouldn't be there, but they are. They include
- Taylor. Is this relationship something that could be long term? Could I marry him? If so, am I supposed to go on a mission anyway and we could pursue it after I got home? If not, how do I know?
- Loneliness. I am trying so hard to not let this influence my decision. However, it keeps sneaking in there. Both of my best friends have serious relationships (one engaged and one considering it) and thus have very little time to spend with me. I'm not very good at making real new friendships. If I break up with Taylor I am going to be one lonely girl. It will be difficult. But I know this should never be a reason to date someone. I just don't know how to completely forget about this fact.
- Benefits. I know that serving a mission will bring me blessings. I know it will strengthen my faith and character. I keep getting the thought that perhaps a mission is what I need to clarify what I want in a husband, to gain an ability to make decisions, and help me really know what is important.
- School. I am not ready to graduate. I am not ready to do my capstone. I just want a few semesters to re take classes that will help me be a better nurse, cement what I have learned, and give me more confidence. If I left on a mission, I would very likely have at least one semester to take non-nursing classes either when I got home or before I left. To finish my GE's. To re take physiology and pathophysiology like I want.
- Fear. If I leave on a mission I am going to forget so much of what I have learned in school. It will be so difficult to come back. I would be leaving the predictability (ha. what remains) of my life. I would leave my family. I would miss them dreadfully. I would leave Taylor, who has become my best friend this past month. I would leave dating, and playing, and family, and school, and work....
- Blessings. Do those words mean I should go? Should I stay? How do I interpret them?
Wish me luck (and prayers) in making this decision that seems so eternally significant.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
School and other stuff.
This is the legit new semester post. The one where you write about what school will really be like, not just what you expect or hope. Because you've had a week of it already!
The first week of school is always super emotional for me. This one was no different. I don't know if it is just the overwhelming flood of stress that re enters my life, or the stress of clinicals, or the new people I meet and the stress of being social... Whatever it is, it can get pretty annoying. This last week I had 3 twelve hour days of class.
Monday and Wednesday I have class from 7-7. So I'm on campus more that 12 hours. On these days though, my classes are separated by a few hours of work, which is nice.
Last Tuesday, however, was literally 10 hours of class. Like in-class time. There was a break from 11-12 and then 2:30-3. But other than that I had class from 8-7. And it was all nursing. So. Much. Information. Basically brain overload.
Thursday was psychiatric nursing orientation. It lasted most of the day. 8-2:30.
Friday was ICU nursing orientation up at UofU hospital. It lasted most of the day. 6-2:30.
Clinical orientations are hard for me. Clinicals stress me out a whole bunch. And everywhere we go people say things like, "We just love BYU nursing students. You guys are always more prepared and respectful and overall better students than other programs. We're really excited to work with you." While that's all fine and great for our reputation, it adds a lot of stress to make sure you don't let down that reputation. Also, you are on your feet touring the hospital for most of the day, you do quick computer training for the charting system that they expect you to remember. Riiiiight. But you have to remember. Shoot.
Psych orientation was especially draining. Psychiatric illnesses scare me. Mental illnesses. I don't know why I have always worried that I would develop a mental illness. We learned about the different units. 2 forensic units, one boys unit, and one adult unit that we will be working on. We had to have a voices simulation to simulate what it is like to be psychotic and hear voices. The best word I can think of to describe the voices (or noises) is fiendish. It was awful. Swearing, muttering, hissing, degrading. And then we had to complete tasks quietly, without any questions, during the simulation. It was awful. It made me sick to my stomach. And then we watched a movie that was super emotional. About a woman who has a mental illness but instead of helping, everyone she knows withdraws from her and her two girls. She abuses her children, doesn't take care of herself, can't keep a job, keeps getting arrested... *heavy sigh.
I'm kind of worried about ICU. I hope I don't pass out or get sick. I hope I can do things correctly. I hope I can be prepared. I hope I keep up the reputation previous BYU students have made.
I ended up dropping American Heritage. Again. I just couldn't do 17.5 credits. And work 20 hrs a week. And go to clinicals for 12 hrs a week. And do homework. And have a boyfriend. It just wasn't working out. My 14.5 now seems so much more manageable!
I absolutely love Ballroom and Contemporary dance. I love dance. (I've never said that on this blog before.) And I really love my Marriage and Family class. Hopefully I'll be motivated to do well in my nursing classes too.
In other news:
These past few weeks have reminded me so much of how incredibly awesome my family-extended and immediate-is. I love them so much! Again I've had the thought that until I find someone who I will want to be with more than my family, I'm never getting married. I think it will take me a long time to get to that point. My family is so inspiring and amazing. I love spending time with cousins. :)
I went to Seven Peaks yesterday. That was fun.
I think I'm gonna run the Halloween half marathon in like 7 weeks. Wahoo!
Okay. That's all for today folks! Hopefully next time I'll write a little more interesting post.
The first week of school is always super emotional for me. This one was no different. I don't know if it is just the overwhelming flood of stress that re enters my life, or the stress of clinicals, or the new people I meet and the stress of being social... Whatever it is, it can get pretty annoying. This last week I had 3 twelve hour days of class.
Monday and Wednesday I have class from 7-7. So I'm on campus more that 12 hours. On these days though, my classes are separated by a few hours of work, which is nice.
Last Tuesday, however, was literally 10 hours of class. Like in-class time. There was a break from 11-12 and then 2:30-3. But other than that I had class from 8-7. And it was all nursing. So. Much. Information. Basically brain overload.
Thursday was psychiatric nursing orientation. It lasted most of the day. 8-2:30.
Friday was ICU nursing orientation up at UofU hospital. It lasted most of the day. 6-2:30.
Clinical orientations are hard for me. Clinicals stress me out a whole bunch. And everywhere we go people say things like, "We just love BYU nursing students. You guys are always more prepared and respectful and overall better students than other programs. We're really excited to work with you." While that's all fine and great for our reputation, it adds a lot of stress to make sure you don't let down that reputation. Also, you are on your feet touring the hospital for most of the day, you do quick computer training for the charting system that they expect you to remember. Riiiiight. But you have to remember. Shoot.
Psych orientation was especially draining. Psychiatric illnesses scare me. Mental illnesses. I don't know why I have always worried that I would develop a mental illness. We learned about the different units. 2 forensic units, one boys unit, and one adult unit that we will be working on. We had to have a voices simulation to simulate what it is like to be psychotic and hear voices. The best word I can think of to describe the voices (or noises) is fiendish. It was awful. Swearing, muttering, hissing, degrading. And then we had to complete tasks quietly, without any questions, during the simulation. It was awful. It made me sick to my stomach. And then we watched a movie that was super emotional. About a woman who has a mental illness but instead of helping, everyone she knows withdraws from her and her two girls. She abuses her children, doesn't take care of herself, can't keep a job, keeps getting arrested... *heavy sigh.
I'm kind of worried about ICU. I hope I don't pass out or get sick. I hope I can do things correctly. I hope I can be prepared. I hope I keep up the reputation previous BYU students have made.
I ended up dropping American Heritage. Again. I just couldn't do 17.5 credits. And work 20 hrs a week. And go to clinicals for 12 hrs a week. And do homework. And have a boyfriend. It just wasn't working out. My 14.5 now seems so much more manageable!
I absolutely love Ballroom and Contemporary dance. I love dance. (I've never said that on this blog before.) And I really love my Marriage and Family class. Hopefully I'll be motivated to do well in my nursing classes too.
In other news:
These past few weeks have reminded me so much of how incredibly awesome my family-extended and immediate-is. I love them so much! Again I've had the thought that until I find someone who I will want to be with more than my family, I'm never getting married. I think it will take me a long time to get to that point. My family is so inspiring and amazing. I love spending time with cousins. :)
I went to Seven Peaks yesterday. That was fun.
I think I'm gonna run the Halloween half marathon in like 7 weeks. Wahoo!
Okay. That's all for today folks! Hopefully next time I'll write a little more interesting post.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Heeerrrre we go!
Once there was a wolf by the name of Al. He was a bid bad bugga with a big bad scowl. His uh, stomach was empty and his eyes were wide and he was lookin' for a pig by the name of Clyde...
That's an awesome song.
But I was actually referring to upcoming/current events in my life. Not that song. But I just wanted to write that anyways.
Here are some things that happened recently:
Monday-had a really neat experience that reminded me of how aware Heavenly Father is of me.
Also-I officially started dating Taylor.
Tuesday-I got my pre mission physical.
Also-Taylor and I drove down to Cedar City to see Les Miserables. Can I just say amazing? I don't even have words.
Wednesday-I worked. some. I looked at my books. I couldn't bring myself to buy them. Went to a self-defense class and pretended that I learned how to beat up guys.
Thursday-Got my TB test read. Looked at my schedule and realized that I had tons of reading to do before school. So I bought my books. Ugh. I hate buying books at the bookstore.
Also-We left down to Manti for our Andelin Family Reunion. It was amazing. I had such a neat experience doing baptisms with my cousins while my Grandpa and Grandma and other cousins and uncles did all of the temple workers jobs except one. It was beautiful.
Friday-Still at the reunion. Slept in super late. Ate waaaay too much food. Had fun conversations. Went swimming. Went to the fair. Drove home.
Saturday-Tried to do some reading. Did my worksheet. Showered. Cleaned. Went on a date with Taylor. Helped Sarah shop and then move. Went to bed way too late.
Sunday-Went to two homecomings. Oh I love when friends get back from missions! Saw some of the most amazing people ever and had just a couple minutes to try to catch up with them all. Spent time with Taylor. Got a father's blessing for school. Can I just say how much I appreciate the priesthood power? I love that I have a father who honors his priesthood, who is worthy, and who is willing to give me blessings whenever I ask for them.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I love ya. Tomorrow.
SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW! I have a 7 am class. But don't worry, it's a flexibility class. I have been trying to get into that class since I started BYU and finally have the chance. I'm just a teensy bit excited. :) Nursing classes are going to kill me. I can't manage 17 and 1/2 credits plus working 20 hrs a week and having clinicals all day Saturday. What am I thinking? Oh well. I will manage. I may have to drop one (or two) classes but that will be okay. As long as I get enough sleep.
So ttfn! Ta ta for now ;)
That's an awesome song.
But I was actually referring to upcoming/current events in my life. Not that song. But I just wanted to write that anyways.
Here are some things that happened recently:
Monday-had a really neat experience that reminded me of how aware Heavenly Father is of me.
Also-I officially started dating Taylor.
Tuesday-I got my pre mission physical.
Also-Taylor and I drove down to Cedar City to see Les Miserables. Can I just say amazing? I don't even have words.
Wednesday-I worked. some. I looked at my books. I couldn't bring myself to buy them. Went to a self-defense class and pretended that I learned how to beat up guys.
Thursday-Got my TB test read. Looked at my schedule and realized that I had tons of reading to do before school. So I bought my books. Ugh. I hate buying books at the bookstore.
Also-We left down to Manti for our Andelin Family Reunion. It was amazing. I had such a neat experience doing baptisms with my cousins while my Grandpa and Grandma and other cousins and uncles did all of the temple workers jobs except one. It was beautiful.
Friday-Still at the reunion. Slept in super late. Ate waaaay too much food. Had fun conversations. Went swimming. Went to the fair. Drove home.
Saturday-Tried to do some reading. Did my worksheet. Showered. Cleaned. Went on a date with Taylor. Helped Sarah shop and then move. Went to bed way too late.
Sunday-Went to two homecomings. Oh I love when friends get back from missions! Saw some of the most amazing people ever and had just a couple minutes to try to catch up with them all. Spent time with Taylor. Got a father's blessing for school. Can I just say how much I appreciate the priesthood power? I love that I have a father who honors his priesthood, who is worthy, and who is willing to give me blessings whenever I ask for them.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I love ya. Tomorrow.
SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW! I have a 7 am class. But don't worry, it's a flexibility class. I have been trying to get into that class since I started BYU and finally have the chance. I'm just a teensy bit excited. :) Nursing classes are going to kill me. I can't manage 17 and 1/2 credits plus working 20 hrs a week and having clinicals all day Saturday. What am I thinking? Oh well. I will manage. I may have to drop one (or two) classes but that will be okay. As long as I get enough sleep.
So ttfn! Ta ta for now ;)
Monday, August 13, 2012
A chapter closed.
August is a good month. Remember how last August I was supposed to get married? Well guess what? It's been a year. I love that it's been a year. Time makes things seem so much better. Last August was awful. But this August is so good. On Saturday, after an awesome family reunion, I cleaned out my room. In the midst of my cleaning I came across a box of stuff. This was a regular shoe box. But it was stuffed full. It was full of things Matt had given me. Notes, pictures, cards, letters, etc. I had kept them "just in case." But it was time that I got rid of that "just in case." So, with the moral support of my sisters and my dearest Mother, I emptied that box. It was harder than I thought it would be. But I did it (and we ate some year old sourpatch candy to boot :)
I didn't want to throw these notes in the garbage for someone to read. So I shredded them. The hard part was not pain. It was not loneliness. It was not heartache. The hard part was getting rid of something that had been made with such meaning and love. At first it felt so cruel to destroy something so lovingly created. But I realized, thanks to Mom, that it was better to get rid of it. It was better for both of us. And he would want that for me. I've moved on. That chapter of my life is closed. Those memories will forever remain, but I can now look back to them as a life experience that helped shape me into what I am today-hopefully a little closer to the woman God wants me to be. I am so happy right now! Life is so exciting. There are so many wonderful opportunities ahead of me.
Here is a sample:
Tomorrow I am going shooting. I am super excited :) I love shooting. And I really need to finally get a picture of me shooting. Wahoo!!
This Saturday morning (early early morning) I am going to hike Timp. Another goal will be checked off and new, awesome, beautiful, fun memories made.
This week I have two cousins getting married. How cool is that?
This week I am going to exercise like crazy. I love it.
And this week I'm going to do lots of weeding, reading, cleaning, praying, and studying. It's gonna be great!
p.s. Did I already mention on here the fabulous fact that I don't have to get my wisdom teeth out yet? haha not for 2 more years! Do you know what that means? It means my dentist paperwork is already done for my mission. All I have left is a picture to upload, my license and passport scans to upload, medical paperwork to get done, and 3 more interviews. Yayayayayay :)
I didn't want to throw these notes in the garbage for someone to read. So I shredded them. The hard part was not pain. It was not loneliness. It was not heartache. The hard part was getting rid of something that had been made with such meaning and love. At first it felt so cruel to destroy something so lovingly created. But I realized, thanks to Mom, that it was better to get rid of it. It was better for both of us. And he would want that for me. I've moved on. That chapter of my life is closed. Those memories will forever remain, but I can now look back to them as a life experience that helped shape me into what I am today-hopefully a little closer to the woman God wants me to be. I am so happy right now! Life is so exciting. There are so many wonderful opportunities ahead of me.
Here is a sample:
Tomorrow I am going shooting. I am super excited :) I love shooting. And I really need to finally get a picture of me shooting. Wahoo!!
This Saturday morning (early early morning) I am going to hike Timp. Another goal will be checked off and new, awesome, beautiful, fun memories made.
This week I have two cousins getting married. How cool is that?
This week I am going to exercise like crazy. I love it.
And this week I'm going to do lots of weeding, reading, cleaning, praying, and studying. It's gonna be great!
p.s. Did I already mention on here the fabulous fact that I don't have to get my wisdom teeth out yet? haha not for 2 more years! Do you know what that means? It means my dentist paperwork is already done for my mission. All I have left is a picture to upload, my license and passport scans to upload, medical paperwork to get done, and 3 more interviews. Yayayayayay :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Oh Boise. Oh Boys.
I am in Boise, Idaho. I leave for Utah tomorrow. I'm ready to be home and to have my own room/shower/different clothes than the ones I've had for the past 3 weeks :) I miss my fam. What will I do when I leave for my mission in a few months?! I do not know...
So, I am trying to debate if I should send this email or not. It would put me in a super vulnerable position. I've realized the past few weeks that that is something that I haven't done for a very long time. Put myself in a vulnerable position, that is. I hate being there. I hate feeling dumb. If I put myself out there and show interest in someone, I feel so stupid! If they don't return the feeling I feel like I would like to die. Or just crawl away into a hole and never see that person again in my life.
However...I've also realized that, in order to keep myself 'safe,' I think I've stopped myself from liking boys. Because if I like them, I'm open to them not liking me and then feeling like an idiot. That kind of presents a problem to my dating life. Whoops.
But, I'm pretty sure that I am going a mission anyways, so I guess it doesn't really matter what I do with my dating life for the next few months anyways, right? :)
On the other hand, it never hurts to put yourself out there. Oh wait... YES IT DOES! But that doesn't mean it's not good for me. It would give me good experience and help me overcome my ridiculous fear/anxiety about dating.
On the other hand... THERE IS NO OTHER HAND! haha, just kidding. I just wanted to quote that since I just watched that video. What a sad part to that movie....
Anyways, what do you think? Am I crazy or am I crazy?
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