I've always been slightly independent, but since I've been in relationships that desire for independence (or maybe more accurately described as my fear of being trapped) has definitely increased. I think several things have played a role in this:
After abruptly losing my best friend when our relationship didn't work out, I was extremely lonely. I missed him. I missed his support and love. I missed having someone always there. It was hard. Because of that, I started analyzing my emotional dependence upon other individuals. It was super clear that when I was in a relationship I was much more whiny and wimpy than when I was single. When you're single you don't have one person that loves you more than anyone else. Hence, you learn to just 'buck up and deal with it.' Outside of a relationship I was really good at that. However, in a relationship I'm terrible.
After this discovery I vowed that I wouldn't let that happen again. It made me whiny and annoying and it wasn't healthy. I told myself that I wanted a relationship where I was not emotionally dependent, but I was just in love and wanted to be with him all the time. I didn't want to have the desire to be with him super strong only when I needed someone to lean on, someone to comfort and hug me, someone to validate me.
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Another contributing factor is the way that I learned to deal with the concept of polygamy. There was a period in my life when I became really upset, confused, and frustrated about polygamy. Why would Heavenly Father ever command it? I felt that everything we are taught in the church, in the scriptures, in conference talks about marriage and the relationship between a man and a woman can't apply to polygamy. You cannot become one, or cleave unto each other, when there are three people in a relationship! I was really upset. I began to try to analyze what bothered me so much about it. It came down to the fact that I would never feel safe, loved, protected, or secure if I knew my husband loved someone as much, or more than, me. And that is what I was looking for in a relationship. I was looking for that emotional security, that comfort, that assurance that no matter what someone else thought of me, my husband would always love and support me above anyone else.
Then the thoughts of "What is the purpose of marriage" and "Is that the biggest reason I should want to get married?" began to be constant contemplation. Was my idea of marriage all wrong? Why would we have to get married at all besides to have children? If it's just to have children, then yes, I guess polygamy is more okay (not that I liked it the least bit more, but it was more understandable to me that way). And this was my deduction: "Okay then, it doesn't really matter who I marry as long as he is righteous, he can be a good father and we can get sealed in the temple. Because I need to be emotionally independent of any other human being. It doesn't matter. I only need to rely on my Heavenly Father. And all that matters is my relationship with Him and how I live my life."
I must admit that that made me rather bitter. It was frustrating. But it also made me want to "be completely fine without anyone. I was tough and I could do it. Ta heck with everything else!"
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As mentioned in a previous blog post, when I am in a relationship I feel like I become a worse person. I don't feel like I am living my life the way I should. I think this has a lot to do with my obsession of being emotionally independent.
I've been dating Taylor for a month now, and I've been fighting to not become dependent upon him. I hated realizing that I was frustrated at him if he didn't text me back when I wanted someone to validate or assure me. I hated knowing that something like that could impact the way I felt during the day. I should be fine without anyone else.
This past Monday Taylor and I talked about this concept. I was feeling miserable. I was so sick and my head hurt so bad. I had tons to get done for my Tuesday classes but instead of working I was sitting there with my head on Taylor's shoulder whining about how sick I was. He was super nice and was trying to think of ways to help me. He suggested that I just go to bed and not finish what I needed to do. That was ludicrous. Of course I had to do my homework. "I'm fine!" I protested. "If you weren't here I would have probably cried a tiny bit and then scolded myself for being winy and buckled in and studied. I hate feeling like I'm more wimpy when I have someone to complain to. I'm fine." He didn't really like this response. He made a comment about how he wanted me to feel like I could rely on his support. He said he wanted to feel needed, to feel like he could help me. This sparked a conversation about the purpose of marriage (haha, that sounds awkward. It wasn't, don't worry). We cannot make it to the Celestial kingdom on our own. Why is that? Why do we need someone else? Why the scripture "neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Cor 11:11)? My previous assumption then, that it only mattered how I lived my life was partially incorrect. Because I cannot have the fullness of joy in the celestial kingdom without a husband.
What, then, is the balance? Is it wrong to be emotionally dependent on someone else? How much of the purpose of marriage is to provide support? Am I too independent? How do you become a better person with someone else?
Thoughts?
2 comments:
i think its good to have some emotional dependence, and some emotional independence. just not either extreme. spouses are supposed to buoy each other up and help each other to be better. this includes encouraging, motivating, and reassuring your spouse often. i don't think it means lets sit and have a pity fest everyday and feel sorry for ourselves. it means: lets sit and talk and pray about our struggles together and together figure out a way to improve situations and come out better together as a couple and individually. this strengthens relationships and ultimately makes you both better people. obviously this is not all encompassing, there are many aspects to marriage and I'm not about to pretend I'm an expert...just know its ok to feel at least some emotional dependency...i certainly do! haha.
Loving someone means that you care deeply about what they think, feel, etc. This caring is a kind of dependence--you respond emotionally to the person you love.
That said, however, your anchor should be firmly fixed in true principles and in Christ, so your moral agency won't ever be subordinated to someone else's, even that of your spouse.
Ideally, each partner will help temper and smooth out the extremes and excesses of the other. In the oneness of marriage, spouses should know enough about each other, care enough about each other, and trust each other enough to defuse/calm/encourage/inspire/etc each other in the right way at the right time. In this way each helps the other to be better.
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