My obsession with boy hating songs.

Where the goodness did it come from?

For some unknown reason I have this passion for bitter breakup songs or just man hating songs in general. I love belting them out. It fulfills some strange emotional need inside of me. Currently I'm trying to figure out what that emotion is. But while I'm thinking, here are a few of my favorites:

You Lie-The Band Perry

Jar of Hearts-Christina Perri (This music video is super weird. But I like the song).

Downtime-Jodee Messina

Others:
Lucky 4 You-SheDaisy
The More Boys I Meet-Carrie Underwood
Get Over Yourself-SheDaisy
Picture to Burn-Taylor Swift

And now, after listening to those all in a row, I feel rather foolish. Haha, how petty are they? 

But on certain occasions they are so perfect. But I have never dated a jerk and I have never been dumped. So where is all this bitterness coming from? I don't understand the origin of this emotion. I'm really trying to figure it out because it's actually quite bothersome. I think that one of my defense mechanisms against feeling guilty pain is feeling anger. And I usually direct that against all males in general (excluding my family and best friends of course ;) because I could never direct it at someone I actually dated. They've all been too great. 

Another hypothesis is that I love emotional songs-songs that have a power in them. Thus I love a lot of songs like "One Day More" or "Do You Hear the People Sing" from Les Mis, and "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. And angry songs usually have quite a bit of emotion. I'm trying to do better and not only sing these when I'm upset. That just has created a bad habit that I'm sure my husband would not appreciate (boys I dated hated it too. Whoops!). Here is to expressing emotion through songs other than man hating songs. Wish me luck!

p.s. Just to be clear-I could give you a much much MUCH longer list of my favorite cute, cheesy love songs. But that makes sense why I like those. I'm a girl who loves love stories and can't wait for my own. 

Okay. That's all.

Love this!

Today was HARD! When I had a breakdown before I even got to school I knew it would be a rough day. And, it was--but really, it wasn't! And this is why: 

Savior, Redeemer of my soul! 

Who's mighty hand has made me whole, 

Whose wonderous power hath raised me up

And filled with sweet the bitter cup.

What tongue my gratitude can tell, 

O gracious God of Israel.

Never can I repay Thee, Lord,

But I can love Thee. Thy pure word,

Hath it not been my one delight, 

My joy by day, my dream by night? 

Then let my my lips proclaim it still, 

And all my life reflect Thy will

O'er-rule mine acts to serve thine ends. 

Change frowning foes to smiling friends.
Chasten my soul till I shall be

In perfect harmony with thee. 

Make me more worthy of Thy love, 

And fit me for the life above.

I was tired today. I was tired of trying SO hard! I was frustrated that everyone's life seems so hard right now. Why can't it just be easy? And then, talking to my Dad on the way home from school, I realized this: You can be happy no matter what your circumstance! I understood the advice that you should not be waiting for your "golden ticket" to be happy. I LOVED this advice from our beloved Pres Uchtdorf:

"So many people today are waiting for their own golden ticket—the ticket that they believe holds the key to the happiness they have always dreamed about. For some, the golden ticket may be a perfect marriage; for others, a magazine-cover home or perhaps freedom from stress or worry.

There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings—we hope and seek after things that are “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.” The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event—our golden ticket—to appear" (Forget Me Not, President Uchtdorf). 

Well, I understood that. I realized that I couldn't wait to be happily married (that was definitely MY golden ticket) to be happy. But today I realized that my other "golden ticket," the one I've really been waiting for, was to get over my temptations and fears and be the person I want to be. And today I realized that I don't have to wait for that, either! I can be happy, even though I am struggling. I can be happy because I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can make me whole! It will take the rest of my life, but that just gives me lots and lots of practice.  This is all part of the journey.

And Oh! how I love that song! Listen to it, you won't regret it :)

Music--I am so grateful for it!

This has been another hard week. Emotionally and academically. And there is way more to come, so why am I blogging? I don't really want to study, that's why. But I'll get back to it as soon as I am done.

I have always loved music. Growing up I realized the powerful effect music had on me. It helped me in feeling and expressing emotion, it helped me cope with stressful things in my life, it helped me control my temper when I really wanted to be bratty, and it has helped me feel the Spirit more than almost anything else. It was always a comfort when I was upset or frustrated. It helped me feel better. Like one of my favorite songs says, "However I feel I Just Sing."
 
However, for the first few weeks after that dreadful Friday,  my desire to sing was completely gone. Music held no comfort for me. I couldn't sing, I couldn't play the piano or violin, and I did not want to listen to music. It was the first time that had ever happened to me. It was so hard, but I just couldn't bring myself to sing. Perhaps it was because of how much I knew Matt loved when I would sing and play, or how much he appreciated my music. Perhaps it was because I was angry for a while and I could not understand why this had happened to me. Whatever it was, it resulted in very minimal exposure to music for a long time.

Thankfully, my love for music has returned and through it I have found, again, how much it helps me express my emotions. It may not necessarily help me feel peace, but it has helped me let my emotion out--those emotions that I could not, no matter how I tried, express.

Here are some of the songs I am grateful for:

• You Raise Me Up
• When You Believe
• How Firm a Foundation 
• The Lord is My Light (I didn't find a good link in the few seconds I searched...)
• Lead Kindly Light (I also really like this version)

Something I have realized these past two days is how much I love happy endings. I love stories that, no matter what happens in between, the hero and heroine always end up getting married and living happily ever after. No matter what happens in between. That has made it so hard for me to accept that fact that things will probably never work out with this relationship. For reasons I don't understand, Heavenly Father has another plan for me. And it is so, so  hard for me to imagine that there could be any happy ending other than the one I want so badly right now. But I know that there will be. And until then, I know that I can "never, no never, no never forsake!" I don't really know what to do with my life right now in terms of relationships, school, a mission, studies abroad, etc., but I do know what I need to do until then. Basic gospel principles always apply, in ever single situation.

And now, back to studying.

Memories

It is late and I need to sleep, but as I was sitting here thinking (why am I doing that instead of getting ready for bed? I do not know) I started thinking of a song my Mom would sing to me when we went to bed. It is so nostalgic and I love it SO much.

Sleep tight, Sand Man's a commin' 

and he'll be here mighty, mighty soon 

and if you don't cry he'll be commin' by

With a great big lollipop moon.

How I love my pretty baby

Sweet and precious little baby

How I love my pretty baby

Honest to goodness I do!

Did I already say how much I LOVE that song? I now sing it to my nieces and nephews as much as I can when they are going to sleep.

And just while I'm writing about it, I want to express how grateful I am for my Mom. She is one amazing woman and I look up to her in so many ways. I love how she has taught me to love music, to love cooking, sewing, gardening, fruit picking, politics, nutrition, good books, reading aloud, etc. etc. etc. She is the most selfless person I have ever met. She is never doing things for herself. When I was 12-13ish I remember realizing how her whole life was serving us--her children and her husband. It made me realize how selfish I was and to wonder if I could ever learn to serve like she does. I am so grateful to her and I need to express that to her more often. And I'll remember my favorite goodnight lullaby forever. 

Ok, nighty night!

Random (probably) Rubbish

Once upon a time I had a dream-I dreamed about my future life. It was such a good motivator for me in everything I did. It was something I looked forward to so so much! Now I feel like that dream has been shattered and it is going to take a long, long time to ever recreate the excitement. It almost seems like it's gone forever, that what I was looking for doesn't even exist. But I am trying hard to fight that feeling. I need so much to have the faith that things will work out for my happiness.

I found a song (well, I knew and loved it long before this) that I feel describes my prevailing feeling lately. This song describes how I feel most of the time. Listening to it makes me sad, but in a way it gives me a little comfort.

Another song, which seemed to fit perfectly from the very beginning, has thankfully not been the perfect fit for my emotions all the time. This one is how I feel only a few times a day.

However, I am trying to change those feelings. I know that there is a place for sorrow, but there is also a need for healing. Life is beautiful if I let it be. I have found a lot of comfort in this song, and I am trying to feel this more often. I am trying to have the faith to move on, to accept the plan Heavenly Father has for me, and to really and truly trust that He knows the very best what will help me be infinitely happy.