You can tell how bored and lonely I am when the number of posts that I write increases drastically haha. I really really miss going to school full time and being a nursing student. I don't know how I did it when I can't even manage 6 credits currently, but somehow I did. I feel so out of the loop of school and real life because I'm taking classes that have nothing to do with my major, I only have two of them, and they're ending in less than a month. But it's okay. I'm sure there are plenty of things I am supposed to learn from this experience :)
I went to the temple tonight. It was absolutely wonderful. I can't believe how much I have come to love it in such a short time. I thought it would take me just as long or longer to come to love the endowment as it did for me to come to really love Baptisms (and that was quite a while) but even missing the last 3 weeks I have felt such a difference. I hope hope hope that I can go often on my mission and that I will make it a priority for the rest of my life.
There were several things I learned at the temple, and many more questions raised, but I wanted to just share one thought. This actually was brought to mind before the session started as I was waiting and reading in D&C. I first read 130 and then just kept reading. In section 132 I began to read about the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. I have read that many times and even marked it in some complicated way my seminary teacher taught me. But until tonight I had never really been affected by it. But as I read it I was suddenly struck with how grateful I am for the truth of eternal families.
"Therefore, if a man marry him a wife in the world, and he marry her not by me nor by my word, and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world and she with him, their covenant and marriage are not of force when they are dead" (D&C 132:15).
When I read these words my heart ached with that thought. And then I read the promise that comes with marrying in the House of the Lord, by the right authority, and in His way:
"And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them--Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection...and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, and all heights and depths...it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hat put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fullness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever. Then shall they be gods" (D&C 132:19-20).
Quite a drastic difference, I must say. As I read both of these verses I suddenly had the strongest desire to be married in the temple. Marriage is kind of a big deal and I want to marry someone for eternity. I have always loved seeing couples go to the temple together. As I would sit outside the baptistery waiting to go down I would just watch as couples came walking hand and hand and entered the temple. And now I love it even more. I can't wait until I get to go with my husband. What a beautiful, glorious blessing. I just need to hurry up and find someone to fall madly and beautifully and joyfully in love with.
And now finally on to the title of this post.
I absolutely hate feeling vulnerable. I detest it. I have tried so hard to avoid it that it has become super difficult for me to let myself be vulnerable. But lately I've been working on it. I've been trying to love without expecting love back, to serve without a guaranteed thanks or kind gesture in return, and to be more open about my feelings even when I'm clueless about others' feelings. And let me tell ya. It has been HARD! It often makes me physically uncomfortable and I have to go expend this pent up frustrated emotion in some physical exertion.
This has always been pretty obvious in my dating life. I don't often like boys as it is, but if I do like a boy and he doesn't return that interest very obviously and quickly, I back peddle super fast and remind myself of all the reasons I wouldn't like him-his faults, weaknesses, why he's not that awesome-so I can save myself from liking someone who doesn't like me. But I have determined to change that. I'm going to stick with liking someone even if their feelings are not obviously clear. And if they end up not liking me, and that does become clear eventually, then I will hurt a bit and learn a bit and know that I can actually like someone. Isn't that fabulous?
Anyways... I need to go to bed. But those are my rambling thoughts this evening.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
A mother.
"I know a name, a glorious name,
Dearer than any other
Listen, I'll whisper this name to you
It is the name of Mother."
I walked into class rushed, completely unaware of the impact a few short 60 minutes could have on my day. Book of Mormon started out as usual, with a quiz, a lot of mundane questions about which answers can count, and then a session of questions and answers.
I was distracted, trying to trace the lineage of the Helamans and Nephis through the war chapters and beyond. Bored, I glanced at the clock. We still had an hour to go. I tried to concentrate a little on what was being said as I was thumbing through the chapters in Helaman.Then my teacher asked a question. In every war there is a turning point. Where was the turning point in this war between the Nephites and Lamanites? He put up a powerpoint of the list and order of the cities that the Lamanites conquered and it became obvious that the Nephites were losing pretty darn bad until the Sons of Helaman come onto the scene. "Why did they change the tide of the war? What was it about them?" he asked. And we began to list answers.
They were "firm and undaunted," "they did obey and observe to perform every word with exactness," "their exceeding faith" (Alma 57: 20-21; 25)
And then he asked the next question. "But where had they learned this?" And the answer was obvious.
"And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt, our mothers knew it" (Alma 56:48). And "yea, even according to their faith was it done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them" (Alma 57:21).
He then said "the turning point of this war did not happen when the Sons of Helaman came into the war. It happened years earlier as they were taught at their mothers' knee."
Suddenly my attention was fully riveted on this. Of course I had heard this many times, but never quite this clearly. He shared this quote by President Packer:
They were "firm and undaunted," "they did obey and observe to perform every word with exactness," "their exceeding faith" (Alma 57: 20-21; 25)
And then he asked the next question. "But where had they learned this?" And the answer was obvious.
"And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt, our mothers knew it" (Alma 56:48). And "yea, even according to their faith was it done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them" (Alma 57:21).
He then said "the turning point of this war did not happen when the Sons of Helaman came into the war. It happened years earlier as they were taught at their mothers' knee."
Suddenly my attention was fully riveted on this. Of course I had heard this many times, but never quite this clearly. He shared this quote by President Packer:
"When
the real history of mankind is fully disclosed,
will it feature the echoes of gunfire –
or the shaping sound of lullabies?
The great armistices made by military men –
or the peacemaking of women
in homes and in neighborhoods?
Will what happened in cradles and kitchens
prove to be more controlling
than what happened in congresses?"
will it feature the echoes of gunfire –
or the shaping sound of lullabies?
The great armistices made by military men –
or the peacemaking of women
in homes and in neighborhoods?
Will what happened in cradles and kitchens
prove to be more controlling
than what happened in congresses?"
President Boyd K Packer
We have been told by a Prophet of God that "the most important...work [we] will ever do will be...within the walls of [our] own homes" (Harold B. Lee). We have also been told by Prophets that, if at all possible, a mother should be the one to be with her children at home when they are young. "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). "Thus," my teacher continued, "it appears that the most important position anyone can ever hold on this whole entire earth is that of a mother."
I was feeling pretty humbled at this point. I am a woman with the potential to become a mother. It is a dream I have had my whole life. But who am I to claim such an important title, such a responsibility? Will I ever be ready for this vitally important work?
Appearing to move on to another subject, my teacher then began to address the concept of dissenting within ourselves. He said "after studying the war chapters, I believe that the way we dissent within ourselves is when there is a part of us that wants to follow God but still a part of us that wants to follow the world. That is when there is dissension within us." Or in other words, we believe what the world is telling us while trying to also follow what we know God has told us. But we cannot serve God and mammon.
Then he moved back to mothers.
One of the biggest wars Satan is currently waging is the one against mothers. Almost every other position you could have in the world is honored and celebrated. Women in the workforce, in importance positions, as leaders in the community, in political offices are all given praise and attention.
And then, if you are raising children, the world says "Oh, she's just a mother." Just a mother. When juxtaposed to the truth that motherhood is the most important calling on earth that word 'just' seems pretty ludicrous.
However, when we know that God has commanded us to have children, to have families, but we believe the world at the same time, that is when mothers are robbed of the joy and fulfillment that comes with being a full time mom.
We have been taught the importance of families, of not putting off having children, that the ideal situation is to have a mother at home while her children are young. But of course that doesn't work all the time. There are exceptions. The most important thing we can do is rally round in support of mothers in whatever situation they find themselves.
Never say "just a mother."
Find out what the Lord would have you do and move forward with faith.
I'm frustrated that I can't find the words I would like to express something so marvelous and beautiful. I left that class with a greater determination to prepare myself for this glorious calling which I hope someday will be mine. I am so very grateful to my own mother for the unending sacrifice she performs for her children. And I hope someday to feel the joy that comes in adding to my other names the glorious one of Mother.
I'm frustrated that I can't find the words I would like to express something so marvelous and beautiful. I left that class with a greater determination to prepare myself for this glorious calling which I hope someday will be mine. I am so very grateful to my own mother for the unending sacrifice she performs for her children. And I hope someday to feel the joy that comes in adding to my other names the glorious one of Mother.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Constant connundrum.
Tonight I went to see Phantom of the Opera at BYU. I was blown away by the excellent quality of...almost everything. The acting was great, the singing phenomenal, and everything else very well done. It definitely exceeded my expectations on that point.
However, it didn't match my hopes for it being less passionate/sensual/waybeyondsuggestive than the movie was. In fact, it was pretty much the same except the costumes were modest. And that really troubled me.
I went with a good friend of mine and afterwards we talked a little about it. I was disappointed that he seemed fully satisfied-very pleased even-with the play. For some reason it kind of hurts me every time someone I really respect likes something that I don't feel is completely good. This brought up this never ending debate that I have with myself about media, about art.
My whole life I have held myself to a standard in the music I listen to, the books I read, and the movies I watch that basically no one else agrees with. Probably only my mother and maybe my sister Sarah. And probably Rachel. It's been kind of a sore point for a very long time, something I was always extremely conscious of and frustrated about. Why is it okay for all these people, who I respect to various degrees and some who I respect an enormous amount, to watch/listen to/read these things that I feel are inappropriate, that make me uncomfortable, and even occasionally make me sick to my stomach? Am I crazy?
These standards have relaxed over the years as I have gotten older, but usually to my dismay and a small sense of guilt. Have I just become desensitized to violent or immoral things that they have now become okay?
I have tried to come up with requirements for things that I watch, very much influenced by this quote by Granville Klesier:
However, it didn't match my hopes for it being less passionate/sensual/waybeyondsuggestive than the movie was. In fact, it was pretty much the same except the costumes were modest. And that really troubled me.
I went with a good friend of mine and afterwards we talked a little about it. I was disappointed that he seemed fully satisfied-very pleased even-with the play. For some reason it kind of hurts me every time someone I really respect likes something that I don't feel is completely good. This brought up this never ending debate that I have with myself about media, about art.
My whole life I have held myself to a standard in the music I listen to, the books I read, and the movies I watch that basically no one else agrees with. Probably only my mother and maybe my sister Sarah. And probably Rachel. It's been kind of a sore point for a very long time, something I was always extremely conscious of and frustrated about. Why is it okay for all these people, who I respect to various degrees and some who I respect an enormous amount, to watch/listen to/read these things that I feel are inappropriate, that make me uncomfortable, and even occasionally make me sick to my stomach? Am I crazy?
These standards have relaxed over the years as I have gotten older, but usually to my dismay and a small sense of guilt. Have I just become desensitized to violent or immoral things that they have now become okay?
I have tried to come up with requirements for things that I watch, very much influenced by this quote by Granville Klesier:
"Nothing touches the soul but leaves its impress,
And thus, little by little, we are fashioned into the image of all we have seen, heard, known, and meditated.
And if we learn to live with all that is the fairest and the best,
The love of it all will, in the end, become our very lives."
That quote has drastically influenced my life in so many ways beyond just media. But for media I tried to set a standard somewhere along these lines:
-Can the Holy Ghost remain when I watch/listen to/read this?
-Does this content influence me to be better?
-Do I learn important life lessons from this that I can't learn better in other ways?
This works for me in a lot of things. But it gets hard when it comes to songs that I love, or stories that I get emotionally invested in. And often I don't know if I recognize when the Spirit is present, or when it is driven away by what I do.
Often questions are brought up in conversation with others that I have a hard time answering. Questions like the following:
If it's an art form, does it have more leeway?
Is it okay to read or hear something described explicitly that is inappropriate that isn't okay to actually watch? A sex scene, for example. How many songs or books describe this quite openly, but would you ever go watch it played out in a movie? Is one worse than the other? If so, why?
Does art bring something to our lives that is worth losing a certain sensitivity? I have thought often of this as I have come to love dance. I used to be very bothered by certain types of dancing, certain movements that I felt were suggestive and inappropriate. But as I came to learn more about dance, I lost a lot of that, and viewed it more as an 'art.' But is that wrong? Is it still inappropriate and I just convinced myself it wasn't because it takes so much talent to be able to move like that?
Can you only learn some things through art forms? I have heard this argument when people are defending R rated movies. "You learn so much about life from it," they argue, "and so it's okay."
When is humor about sexuality appropriate? Is it ever? I can't tell you how many times I have walked into a room where a very well known and oft quoted and much loved TV show is playing to be shocked at the sexual innuendos and humor it contains. Does this damage my spirit? Does it dull my sensitivity to things that are godlike, that are pure and beautiful?
Are some things okay for most people, and not okay for me, because I am more sensitive to it? This one has been often pondered. I know that I am extremely affected by music, books, and movies especially. I live the parts with the characters. I get super into them and they often seem very real to me. Because of this, do I have a different standard that I must choose to live by?
If missionary standards are there to allow them to better feel and be guided by the Spirit, why aren't we all encouraged to live by those?
Should I just avoid art to be safe? Or is there beautiful art, that is pure and clean and uplifting, outside of all this junk that is what I should see out and try my hardest to avoid all the rest? Entertainment options get pretty slim when you have this picky of a media standards. But is that perfectly fine? Do I just need to be okay with it?
I'm not sure if I know the answers to all of these. But I do know that God knows. He knows perfectly. And He has given me multiple standards to judge by, I just need to ponder on them more deeply.
On stands out to me especially tonight as I have been pondering these and other questions:
"Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly;
then shall they confidence wax strong in the presence of God...
The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion
And thy scepter and unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth."
Those are some pretty amazing promises. I have a hard time imagining myself ever feeling confident in the presence of God, but I guess this is the way to do it. Maybe it is worth it missing out on all the cool new movies that have "just one bad part," the friend nights when you just watch movies that don't leave you feeling uplifted, those new songs that have a really cool beat and tune but not the best content, and those books that are so captivating but maybe don't have a good message. Maybe it is just worth the extra effort-the lots and lots of extra effort-to find those things that are the best. Those that are still entertaining and fun, but that have nothing in them that I would be afraid to watch with God standing there looking on.
Thoughts?
Saturday, January 12, 2013
About Life: Another jumble.
Tonight we watched You Can't Take it With You. I haven't laughed so hard in a very long time. Funny how that movie somehow reminds me of my family :) I love this movie. I've seen it several times. I think it has a really good message. This time around, however, I had a few more complaints with some of the particulars of the message. It doesn't really teach about the principle of hard work, or the satisfaction that comes of having a job well done, or the importance of education. Haha, I'm rather a picky movie watcher, eh? But it does teach one really important lesson, and in doing so it always makes me step back and take a good hard look at my life, about what I'm doing, and about what is important enough to me to spend time on it. If you haven't seen it, I would totally recommend it. It is so funny. Plus, it has Jimmy Stuart in it. And anything he is in automatically is on my want to see list. He's so great. (In addition, almost all the characters in George Bailey are in it as well-Mr. Potter, Pa Bailey, young George Bailey, "it's no skin off my nose!" guy, "Here they come!" lady, and a bunch of others. Super great).
Anyways. Back to my point. This movie shows the importance of doing things you love (I actually have some thoughts on that. I don't know how much I agree with this. But I'll save those for later.), and even more important-of not letting things like making money take time away from the people you love. Having friends--having people love you--is worth more than all the money you could make sitting in an office all day. How much do we think about love in our every day lives? Haha, not the romantic kind of love that I'm always trying to figure out and find-not that kind. The Christlike love that we should have for the people living this life along side us. Those we know and those we don't. Those in our family especially. It just got me thinking: What do I do to cheer up the just a tiny part of the world everyday? What do I do to serve someone, to help bring a smile to their face? Aren't those things the things that really matter? What do I do to help foster that love? The time I spend in my scriptures? In prayer to my Father in Heaven? "Wherefore my beloved brethren, pray unto the father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love that He hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of Christ" (Moroni 7:48). I want to re focus my life on charity.
And it's not about big acts of amazing service everyday. It's about the tiny ones. Saying a kind word to a friend, giving a sincere compliment to a family member, taking a little extra time out of your schedule to make someone's bed, taking time to have a conversation, to tell a child you love them. (I think this mood was very prompted by the opportunity I had to spend time around such beautiful, innocent, sometimes very naughty nieces and nephews :) How I love them!)
And there are my thoughts this evening.
There are a whole lot more. Haha, especially on this funny topic: Why are there so many boy hating songs, but so very few girl hating songs? Maybe I'm just not familiar with them, but it seems like there are waaaay more songs bashing guys than there are bashing girls. And why in the world do I love them so much? How terrible! I'm trying to figure out what emotion I need to express in singing those songs. Because, in all honesty, I don't really hate guys. As much as I pretend sometimes :)
Anyways. Time for bed. Buenas noches! Audios :)
Anyways. Back to my point. This movie shows the importance of doing things you love (I actually have some thoughts on that. I don't know how much I agree with this. But I'll save those for later.), and even more important-of not letting things like making money take time away from the people you love. Having friends--having people love you--is worth more than all the money you could make sitting in an office all day. How much do we think about love in our every day lives? Haha, not the romantic kind of love that I'm always trying to figure out and find-not that kind. The Christlike love that we should have for the people living this life along side us. Those we know and those we don't. Those in our family especially. It just got me thinking: What do I do to cheer up the just a tiny part of the world everyday? What do I do to serve someone, to help bring a smile to their face? Aren't those things the things that really matter? What do I do to help foster that love? The time I spend in my scriptures? In prayer to my Father in Heaven? "Wherefore my beloved brethren, pray unto the father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love that He hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of Christ" (Moroni 7:48). I want to re focus my life on charity.
And it's not about big acts of amazing service everyday. It's about the tiny ones. Saying a kind word to a friend, giving a sincere compliment to a family member, taking a little extra time out of your schedule to make someone's bed, taking time to have a conversation, to tell a child you love them. (I think this mood was very prompted by the opportunity I had to spend time around such beautiful, innocent, sometimes very naughty nieces and nephews :) How I love them!)
And there are my thoughts this evening.
There are a whole lot more. Haha, especially on this funny topic: Why are there so many boy hating songs, but so very few girl hating songs? Maybe I'm just not familiar with them, but it seems like there are waaaay more songs bashing guys than there are bashing girls. And why in the world do I love them so much? How terrible! I'm trying to figure out what emotion I need to express in singing those songs. Because, in all honesty, I don't really hate guys. As much as I pretend sometimes :)
Anyways. Time for bed. Buenas noches! Audios :)
A Jumble of Thoughts.
I'm still sick. I hate sickness. It throws everything off and messes up everyone's plans. We were all hit super hard with it this flu season. Darn freezing cold winter. But thankfully everyone is on the mend.
I've done one week of block classes. Holy cow they move fast. Book of Mormon won't be too bad. But Spanish. Whew! Lets not even talk about how completely ignorant I feel in that class. You would think that in Spanish 101 they would speak more often in English, but no! Immersion is the way to go, right? Wow. What a humbling experience, let me tell ya! I'm by far the most behind in that class as everyone else has had at least a few years of high school Spanish. Me on the other hand... But thankfully I have many kind friends who speak Spanish and are willing to help me. I'm totally going to take them up on it.
I love elves. I wish they were real and I was one. I guess I have to be content with learning all the awesome skills they apparently have. Mostly archery. And just good magic all around. I think I've read a little too much Lord of the Rings in the past two days...
Tonight we had a birthday party for two of my siblings . It was way fun. I love them. But when I left I said goodbye to my Alaskan chillins. And Quince and Jen. They're flying out tomorrow and I won't see them until after my mission. It made my mission seem so much more real. Like, I'm actually going to be out serving in less than two months. And I won't be with my family. And they will write me letters and I will write to them. It was such a weird feeling. It still almost seems like it's not really going to happen. But I'm sure my first night in the MTC will change that! :)
I have had so many kind people in my life lately. I've been in a little bit of a weird situation and I have so appreciated those who have just offered random, thoughtful, kind words. They have no idea how much they mean to me. Something I especially appreciate is when someone who I met through an old boyfriend is still willing to say hi, and ask how I'm doing, and ask me about my life, and give me encouragement, even when they were better friends with the boy I broke up with. Having had so many people act the opposite way after I break up with their friend makes me appreciate so much more those who don't.
Speaking of old bf's. What is my problem?! I have such a hard time getting over someone. I really can't figure out what it is. Because it obviously didn't work out, and I am the one who was the cause of it not working out, so you would think that I would be over it by now. But nope. I'm not. Most of the time I am, thankfully. But random times I just all of the sudden miss them. And it hurts. And I'm like, I am never dating again!! And then I hate relationships and boys, etc. But really I just miss them way bad.
Starting the semester I was really excited to not have nursing classes. I could hardly believe that none of my teachers even emailed me before classes started. Totally abnormal. But after attending class the first two days I realized that I missed nursing. Most of all I missed the nursing students in my class. Mostly I missed Laura and Brittany. Since my freshman year of college I haven't had to go to many classes where I know no one. But I have this semester. It is so good for me. But quite lonely.
I had a good conversation with Sarah when I drove her home tonight. In it, I realized that I have become so much more confident in the past year. I have really learned to be okay with the person I am. Granted, I'm still embarrassed when I'm completely clueless about something that everyone else is aware of, but it happens less and less and when it does it doesn't bother me as much. I have been so blessed to grow up in a home where I was always taught that I was a daughter of God. And that He loved me for who I was. With all my weird quirks, with my flaws, with my imperfections, and with my strengths. And He knows me! And I have nothing to hide from Him. And in the long run, His opinion is the only one that really matters. That has given me such strength. I am the daughter of the most powerful, most loving, all knowing Heavenly Father. And He loves me.
I need to go to bed now. I have choir practice in the morning. I should have been in bed long ago, but after I took Sarah home I had much to think about. There are a few of my thoughts.
p.s. I love Preach My Gospel. Wow, what an inspired book. It is like scripture and I love reading it. I am so glad this is what I get to read to prepare to serve Heavenly Father.
Goodnight!
I've done one week of block classes. Holy cow they move fast. Book of Mormon won't be too bad. But Spanish. Whew! Lets not even talk about how completely ignorant I feel in that class. You would think that in Spanish 101 they would speak more often in English, but no! Immersion is the way to go, right? Wow. What a humbling experience, let me tell ya! I'm by far the most behind in that class as everyone else has had at least a few years of high school Spanish. Me on the other hand... But thankfully I have many kind friends who speak Spanish and are willing to help me. I'm totally going to take them up on it.
I love elves. I wish they were real and I was one. I guess I have to be content with learning all the awesome skills they apparently have. Mostly archery. And just good magic all around. I think I've read a little too much Lord of the Rings in the past two days...
Tonight we had a birthday party for two of my siblings . It was way fun. I love them. But when I left I said goodbye to my Alaskan chillins. And Quince and Jen. They're flying out tomorrow and I won't see them until after my mission. It made my mission seem so much more real. Like, I'm actually going to be out serving in less than two months. And I won't be with my family. And they will write me letters and I will write to them. It was such a weird feeling. It still almost seems like it's not really going to happen. But I'm sure my first night in the MTC will change that! :)
I have had so many kind people in my life lately. I've been in a little bit of a weird situation and I have so appreciated those who have just offered random, thoughtful, kind words. They have no idea how much they mean to me. Something I especially appreciate is when someone who I met through an old boyfriend is still willing to say hi, and ask how I'm doing, and ask me about my life, and give me encouragement, even when they were better friends with the boy I broke up with. Having had so many people act the opposite way after I break up with their friend makes me appreciate so much more those who don't.
Speaking of old bf's. What is my problem?! I have such a hard time getting over someone. I really can't figure out what it is. Because it obviously didn't work out, and I am the one who was the cause of it not working out, so you would think that I would be over it by now. But nope. I'm not. Most of the time I am, thankfully. But random times I just all of the sudden miss them. And it hurts. And I'm like, I am never dating again!! And then I hate relationships and boys, etc. But really I just miss them way bad.
Starting the semester I was really excited to not have nursing classes. I could hardly believe that none of my teachers even emailed me before classes started. Totally abnormal. But after attending class the first two days I realized that I missed nursing. Most of all I missed the nursing students in my class. Mostly I missed Laura and Brittany. Since my freshman year of college I haven't had to go to many classes where I know no one. But I have this semester. It is so good for me. But quite lonely.
I had a good conversation with Sarah when I drove her home tonight. In it, I realized that I have become so much more confident in the past year. I have really learned to be okay with the person I am. Granted, I'm still embarrassed when I'm completely clueless about something that everyone else is aware of, but it happens less and less and when it does it doesn't bother me as much. I have been so blessed to grow up in a home where I was always taught that I was a daughter of God. And that He loved me for who I was. With all my weird quirks, with my flaws, with my imperfections, and with my strengths. And He knows me! And I have nothing to hide from Him. And in the long run, His opinion is the only one that really matters. That has given me such strength. I am the daughter of the most powerful, most loving, all knowing Heavenly Father. And He loves me.
I need to go to bed now. I have choir practice in the morning. I should have been in bed long ago, but after I took Sarah home I had much to think about. There are a few of my thoughts.
p.s. I love Preach My Gospel. Wow, what an inspired book. It is like scripture and I love reading it. I am so glad this is what I get to read to prepare to serve Heavenly Father.
Goodnight!
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Weaknesses
For the past couple of weeks, especially during finals and after, I have been reminded again and again of my many flaws. Or I discover new ones. It has been such a strange feeling. However, instead taking this as an opportunity for growth like I should, it has almost paralyzed me. I have grown very afraid of not being able to do it. Of not keeping up. Of not having an amazing scripture study every night. Of learning something I need to fix in my life but not being able to fix it because I have so many other things to work on.
This is a problem. It is definitely not helping me with my mission preparation. Nor my temple preparation. Nor my confidence. I have felt so very weak and vulnerable, almost more so than I have felt before. It has made me afraid to set goals!
I know this feeling is not from God. So. I'm going to refuse to be okay with it. I know I have weaknesses, I know I have flaws, but I should use that knowledge to pray for guidance in how to overcome those. Not throw my hands up in despair because there are just too many things to work on.
I am going to do that by setting some goals:
-Finish Preach My Gospel before I leave on my mission.
-Finish the New Testament before Christmas.
-Study the Book of Mormon for 30 minutes every day.
-Attend the temple every week.
-Figure out a reasonable goal for the Old Testament :)
-Pray for service opportunities on a daily basis.
I think that gives me enough to work on for now...
I need to remember this:
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Philippians 4:13.
This is a problem. It is definitely not helping me with my mission preparation. Nor my temple preparation. Nor my confidence. I have felt so very weak and vulnerable, almost more so than I have felt before. It has made me afraid to set goals!
I know this feeling is not from God. So. I'm going to refuse to be okay with it. I know I have weaknesses, I know I have flaws, but I should use that knowledge to pray for guidance in how to overcome those. Not throw my hands up in despair because there are just too many things to work on.
I am going to do that by setting some goals:
-Finish Preach My Gospel before I leave on my mission.
-Finish the New Testament before Christmas.
-Study the Book of Mormon for 30 minutes every day.
-Attend the temple every week.
-Figure out a reasonable goal for the Old Testament :)
-Pray for service opportunities on a daily basis.
I think that gives me enough to work on for now...
I need to remember this:
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Philippians 4:13.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Life is hard. Still.
I've posted this lots of times before, but I have to remind myself every now and again.
One of the classic Grandpa Andersen quotes, that all his children (my parents, aunts and uncles) quote to their children goes something like this:
Life is hard. And then you die.
Most people think that is a very cynical and depressing. But I actually love it. Kyle showed me this, which describes exactly how I feel about it.
"The fact that life is difficult no longer matters." That's my favorite part. Because it is so true. It reminds me of this quote that President Hinckley used in one of his conference talks:
One of the classic Grandpa Andersen quotes, that all his children (my parents, aunts and uncles) quote to their children goes something like this:
Life is hard. And then you die.
Most people think that is a very cynical and depressing. But I actually love it. Kyle showed me this, which describes exactly how I feel about it.
"The fact that life is difficult no longer matters." That's my favorite part. Because it is so true. It reminds me of this quote that President Hinckley used in one of his conference talks:
“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The FACT is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride” (Jenkin Lloyd Jones).
I used to hate that quote. I thought it was so depressing and marriages should not require a high degree of mutual toleration! But as I have matured ;) I have come to love it. Because again, once we realize that life is difficult, that it is meant to be that way, that trials are normal and universal, then it doesn't matter that life is difficult. Because there isn't another option :)
I've been struggling with trying not to be angry today. And I've gotten really cynical and thought thoughts like "I learn more about a boy's character by how he reacts when I break up with him than the whole time we were previously dating. Why am I so often disappointed?!"
Someday I will be married and I will get to laugh at all these horrid dating stories. But until then I just need to be positive and happy and realize that I am learning so much from these experiences. Life is beautiful because it is hard. You just have to see the beautiful :)
Saturday, November 17, 2012
90 hours... And I forgot how to act on a date.
If my mission call comes this Wednesday, I only have to wait 90 more hours to find out where I'm spending the next 18 months of my life. Wahoo!
Tonight I went on my first date since breaking up. It was a little weird, I'm not gonna lie. Especially since we talked about my mission the whole time. Which leads me to a confession: I kind of forgot how to act on a first (well this is actually our second) date. Funny side note-he was my first date ever, just a little after I turned 16, right after he turned 16. So it was both of our first dates. And now we went on a date after he got back from his mish. How cute. Anyways, as I was saying...
I've been so used to talking to anyone and everyone about my relationships because when you're dating someone and your guy friends know that, it's not weird to talk to them about it and ask for their advice and opinions, and I always talk to my girl friends about it, and my family, and basically everyone...so I accidentally mentioned a previous relationship twice while on this date. How tacky and clueless, and naive can I get? Way to go, Bekah! Oh well. Oh. And one of them was that I was engaged. And he was like "you were engaged?!" and I was like "Idiot! Why did you just say that?!" and out loud I was like, "um yeah." Haha, not awkward at all. Oh well. Whatevs. I'll learn eventually. Thank goodness I have 18 months to forget about dating.
Except, speaking about forgetting about dating, I'm kind of worried that I won't. Tonight as I talked so much about my mission I began to get worried that I would be emotionally able to handle it. I would miss my family, school, dating, work, friends too much. It got me really worried. I was trying to hide this fear in my conversation and I think I did fine, but it made me concerned. But as I have been thinking about it, fears are never from God. God doesn't work by giving us fear, or guilt. He gives us comfort, peace, and, when need be, he gives us uneasiness. But fear is not from God. I need to realize that He is there to help me at all times, no matter how many times I mess up.
Tonight for our date we went to the Vocal Point concert. It was amazing. But I was struck by the song "Come Thou Fount." I love this song, I have listened to it so many times, but tonight, with the context they gave it, it struck me in a different way. How often am I prone to wander? Everyday? Every hour? More than once per hour? It's really often. I am prone to wander. But Christ understands that. Our loving Heavenly Father understands that. And They continue to forgive and to love.
What I beautiful reminder.
Tonight I went on my first date since breaking up. It was a little weird, I'm not gonna lie. Especially since we talked about my mission the whole time. Which leads me to a confession: I kind of forgot how to act on a first (well this is actually our second) date. Funny side note-he was my first date ever, just a little after I turned 16, right after he turned 16. So it was both of our first dates. And now we went on a date after he got back from his mish. How cute. Anyways, as I was saying...
I've been so used to talking to anyone and everyone about my relationships because when you're dating someone and your guy friends know that, it's not weird to talk to them about it and ask for their advice and opinions, and I always talk to my girl friends about it, and my family, and basically everyone...so I accidentally mentioned a previous relationship twice while on this date. How tacky and clueless, and naive can I get? Way to go, Bekah! Oh well. Oh. And one of them was that I was engaged. And he was like "you were engaged?!" and I was like "Idiot! Why did you just say that?!" and out loud I was like, "um yeah." Haha, not awkward at all. Oh well. Whatevs. I'll learn eventually. Thank goodness I have 18 months to forget about dating.
Except, speaking about forgetting about dating, I'm kind of worried that I won't. Tonight as I talked so much about my mission I began to get worried that I would be emotionally able to handle it. I would miss my family, school, dating, work, friends too much. It got me really worried. I was trying to hide this fear in my conversation and I think I did fine, but it made me concerned. But as I have been thinking about it, fears are never from God. God doesn't work by giving us fear, or guilt. He gives us comfort, peace, and, when need be, he gives us uneasiness. But fear is not from God. I need to realize that He is there to help me at all times, no matter how many times I mess up.
Tonight for our date we went to the Vocal Point concert. It was amazing. But I was struck by the song "Come Thou Fount." I love this song, I have listened to it so many times, but tonight, with the context they gave it, it struck me in a different way. How often am I prone to wander? Everyday? Every hour? More than once per hour? It's really often. I am prone to wander. But Christ understands that. Our loving Heavenly Father understands that. And They continue to forgive and to love.
Oh to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be!Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.Prone to wander, Lord I feel it! Prone to leave the God I love.Here's my heart Oh! take and seal itSeal it for They courts above!
Jesus sought me, when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God.
He to rescue me from danger interposed His precious blood.
What I beautiful reminder.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Waiting and Clinical days
I have been so impatient these last few days. I just want my call already! It's Wednesday, which hopefully gives me just one more week to wait. I want to spend lots of that super busy so time goes by faster. (Or sleeping. Time goes by pretty fast when I do that, too). I dreamed that I got called to Bangkok. It was a pretty vivid dream. But I've also had a super vivid dream about 5 months ago that I was called to Ukraine. So we'll see.
Today I have been missing Taylor so dang much! I don't know what it is. I think it has to do with the emotional stress of clinical and just wanting someone to listen to me and hug me and tell me I'm wonderful. I'm ridiculous. Hard days make me miss him more. Which then makes it even a harder day. Mostly I think it's because I just don't have much time to talk to people besides psych patients all day and I just want someone to tell my thoughts to. Thank goodness for memory and knowing that it was the right thing to do. This is a pretty normal part of my breaking up process. I'll get over it soon.
Every time I leave my psych clinical I feel so odd. When I leave and come back to BYU I forget that all the people walking around me are not psych patients and are mostly likely healthy, normal, fun, safe college students. They don't need to be talked to in a simple way, I don't need to try to ensure that my conversation is therapeutic, and I don't need to be worried! Oh goodness. What has nursing done to me? I think it is also related to the fact that I hear so many awful, tragic, often gruesome life stories of the patients I'm working with. It's really sad. I wish there was an answer to this! Why is this world so very wicked?
This last little while I've really realized the importance of taking care of your emotional, mental, and physical health. (probably due to my psychiatric nursing class). Time to relax, to de stress, to just ponder and think and become peaceful is so very important for everyone. I want to explore things that are simple that I can do right now so that I can continue doing them when I become a mom and have so much more stress than I have right now. Have you guys found anything helpful to de stress that doesn't take special equipment or tons of time?
Today I have been missing Taylor so dang much! I don't know what it is. I think it has to do with the emotional stress of clinical and just wanting someone to listen to me and hug me and tell me I'm wonderful. I'm ridiculous. Hard days make me miss him more. Which then makes it even a harder day. Mostly I think it's because I just don't have much time to talk to people besides psych patients all day and I just want someone to tell my thoughts to. Thank goodness for memory and knowing that it was the right thing to do. This is a pretty normal part of my breaking up process. I'll get over it soon.
Every time I leave my psych clinical I feel so odd. When I leave and come back to BYU I forget that all the people walking around me are not psych patients and are mostly likely healthy, normal, fun, safe college students. They don't need to be talked to in a simple way, I don't need to try to ensure that my conversation is therapeutic, and I don't need to be worried! Oh goodness. What has nursing done to me? I think it is also related to the fact that I hear so many awful, tragic, often gruesome life stories of the patients I'm working with. It's really sad. I wish there was an answer to this! Why is this world so very wicked?
This last little while I've really realized the importance of taking care of your emotional, mental, and physical health. (probably due to my psychiatric nursing class). Time to relax, to de stress, to just ponder and think and become peaceful is so very important for everyone. I want to explore things that are simple that I can do right now so that I can continue doing them when I become a mom and have so much more stress than I have right now. Have you guys found anything helpful to de stress that doesn't take special equipment or tons of time?
Thursday, November 8, 2012
I was patient, dancesport, and lessons
I just sent an email to my Stake President's secretary. I was patient for 4 whole days. I figured that was adequate :) I hope hope hope that if it is right, I will be able to get my papers turned in this Sunday. I would love that. But I also know that timing is a very important issue and that I need to be willing to submit to God's timing. I haven't been too good at that in my life so far. Perhaps I need a few more weeks to move on from my relationship and really prepare myself for the Temple and for dedicating a whole year and a half entirely to the Lord. Or perhaps it doesn't matter and I can get my call in two more weeks. Or perhaps it doesn't really matter and my Stake President is out of town and I won't be able to get my interview done for a while. Whatever the case, I am trying to be patient.
I compete in dancesport tomorrow. I'm rather nervous. I feel like all my technique went out the window since Tuesday. I actually felt like I was doing really well on Tuesday. Not anymore! Oh well. As long as I smile, have fun (and show it!) and have mountains of energy I should get past at least one cut. I would love to place. But I would be super happy to make it to semi finals, and I would be content to make it past one cut. We'll see :) My calves are so dang sore. And my foot still hurts a lot. But after this I can calm down my physical exercise and hopefully let my foot heal all the way.
I've learned a lot about myself in the last week (it's been one week since Taylor and I broke up, just so ya know). I have been able to see clearly things I do that increase my loneliness or sadness, and things that I need to do to stay happy. I need to be so very careful not to get into self-pity ruts. Those are the worst. I've really really missed having someone to talk to who really cares about how I'm doing and who actually will listen to the things I have to say. I was talking to Dan the other day and he was kind of poking fun at the fact that most girls like to be listened to (it was quite the funny conversation actually. I learned that boys zone out really fast and it's not unlikely that one of my guy friends may have been pretending to listen when really he was thinking 'what the heck is she talking about?' haha). I completely concede with the stereotype that girl's like to be listened to. I love when people sincerely, genuinely want to know how I'm feeling. Today I just wanted so badly for someone to ask me how I was doing and really listen. I was frustrated, discouraged, and rather scared of the future. But no one did. But you know what? It was okay. I just thought about it for a while, realized that I didn't need someone to validate my feelings or encourage me, and kept working. It worked really well actually. I hope that I will grow closer to my Heavenly Father through this experience, knowing that He is always willing and desirous to listen to my ramblings, my frustrations, and my fears.
I've also learned that it makes me happy when I hear about couples who broke up lots before they got married. Somehow it makes me feel better.
But now I need to go to bed. Thanks for reading. It was a therapeutic post. haha psych is infiltrating my life!
I compete in dancesport tomorrow. I'm rather nervous. I feel like all my technique went out the window since Tuesday. I actually felt like I was doing really well on Tuesday. Not anymore! Oh well. As long as I smile, have fun (and show it!) and have mountains of energy I should get past at least one cut. I would love to place. But I would be super happy to make it to semi finals, and I would be content to make it past one cut. We'll see :) My calves are so dang sore. And my foot still hurts a lot. But after this I can calm down my physical exercise and hopefully let my foot heal all the way.
I've learned a lot about myself in the last week (it's been one week since Taylor and I broke up, just so ya know). I have been able to see clearly things I do that increase my loneliness or sadness, and things that I need to do to stay happy. I need to be so very careful not to get into self-pity ruts. Those are the worst. I've really really missed having someone to talk to who really cares about how I'm doing and who actually will listen to the things I have to say. I was talking to Dan the other day and he was kind of poking fun at the fact that most girls like to be listened to (it was quite the funny conversation actually. I learned that boys zone out really fast and it's not unlikely that one of my guy friends may have been pretending to listen when really he was thinking 'what the heck is she talking about?' haha). I completely concede with the stereotype that girl's like to be listened to. I love when people sincerely, genuinely want to know how I'm feeling. Today I just wanted so badly for someone to ask me how I was doing and really listen. I was frustrated, discouraged, and rather scared of the future. But no one did. But you know what? It was okay. I just thought about it for a while, realized that I didn't need someone to validate my feelings or encourage me, and kept working. It worked really well actually. I hope that I will grow closer to my Heavenly Father through this experience, knowing that He is always willing and desirous to listen to my ramblings, my frustrations, and my fears.
I've also learned that it makes me happy when I hear about couples who broke up lots before they got married. Somehow it makes me feel better.
But now I need to go to bed. Thanks for reading. It was a therapeutic post. haha psych is infiltrating my life!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Hurry up already!
Time seems to be dragggggging by these days. Today Brittany and I got ice cream after my lab final (side note-it's one of my favorite things, or my only favorite thing, about nursing labs. They get done a month before finals. Beautiful) and she said "remember how last week we almost ate a whole half-gallon carton of ice cream before practice?" I could hardly believe that was last week. It seemed so much farther away than that. That was the ice cream Taylor bought me and brought to share with Britt. He's super nice like that. Anywho.
I want my mission papers to be turned in already! I just want to know where I'm going! I need to start preparing. Goodness. However, becoming a missionary should not take any more preparation than trying to become the woman God wants me to become. My Bishop talked to me a lot about this. He told me "prepare now for when you get off your mission-retain the same qualities you gain while on your mission." It was really good for me to hear. I need to always be preparing to become a better person, to learn the gospel better, to strengthen my testimony, to get rid of bad habits and to promote good ones.
Speaking of habits-Tyler, my awesome cousin, came and watched the devotional with me. He knew I was going to be lonely as I normally watched it with Taylor. He knows Taylor from his home ward. It's rather interesting how many connections Taylor and I have. But my point was...Tyler and I were talking about my mission. We started talking about the temple. I told him how unprepared I feel. He said that his teacher (or mission pres? I don't remember) told him to remember that he would be able to go to the temple hundreds of times and to focus your first time on your feelings, the spirit, and when you make promises. I thought that was good advice. He also told him that when he wanted to get rid of a bad habit, he would go to the temple and "lay it on the alter" or give it up to Heavenly Father. I thought that was beautiful.
Speaking of preparing for the temple-I don't feel prepared at all! When I almost got married something I really really regretted was not putting the time I should have in preparing myself for the temple. I had spent months planning this big wedding, all the decorations, the food, the dresses, the place, the time, etc. and I had spent no time preparing myself to go through the temple to receive my endowments. I regretted that oh so very much. I ended up not getting married and thus not going through the temple. One of the many emotions I felt was gratitude that I was being given more time to prepare for my Endowment. Now I look at myself and realize I haven't done much better to prepare this time. I still have time. My goals to help with this? Go to the temple weekly. Read Pres Packer's book "The Holy Temple," and ponder my worthiness and really take an inventory of who I am and where I feel I stand in my Father in Heaven's eyes. I'm going to need His help in all of these, but especially the last one. I want so fervently to know how I am doing in His eyes.
Speaking of Heavenly Father, today I was reminded of how involved Heavenly Father is in my life. Not just in spiritual things. I had forgotten that. I have not asked Him for help in school (besides tests) for a long time. I have not asked Him for the confidence I need to be a good nursing student. I have not asked for His help in my exercise goals. I have much to change. How blessed I am to have this reminder.
And now I get to go practice. Wish me luck!
I want my mission papers to be turned in already! I just want to know where I'm going! I need to start preparing. Goodness. However, becoming a missionary should not take any more preparation than trying to become the woman God wants me to become. My Bishop talked to me a lot about this. He told me "prepare now for when you get off your mission-retain the same qualities you gain while on your mission." It was really good for me to hear. I need to always be preparing to become a better person, to learn the gospel better, to strengthen my testimony, to get rid of bad habits and to promote good ones.
Speaking of habits-Tyler, my awesome cousin, came and watched the devotional with me. He knew I was going to be lonely as I normally watched it with Taylor. He knows Taylor from his home ward. It's rather interesting how many connections Taylor and I have. But my point was...Tyler and I were talking about my mission. We started talking about the temple. I told him how unprepared I feel. He said that his teacher (or mission pres? I don't remember) told him to remember that he would be able to go to the temple hundreds of times and to focus your first time on your feelings, the spirit, and when you make promises. I thought that was good advice. He also told him that when he wanted to get rid of a bad habit, he would go to the temple and "lay it on the alter" or give it up to Heavenly Father. I thought that was beautiful.
Speaking of preparing for the temple-I don't feel prepared at all! When I almost got married something I really really regretted was not putting the time I should have in preparing myself for the temple. I had spent months planning this big wedding, all the decorations, the food, the dresses, the place, the time, etc. and I had spent no time preparing myself to go through the temple to receive my endowments. I regretted that oh so very much. I ended up not getting married and thus not going through the temple. One of the many emotions I felt was gratitude that I was being given more time to prepare for my Endowment. Now I look at myself and realize I haven't done much better to prepare this time. I still have time. My goals to help with this? Go to the temple weekly. Read Pres Packer's book "The Holy Temple," and ponder my worthiness and really take an inventory of who I am and where I feel I stand in my Father in Heaven's eyes. I'm going to need His help in all of these, but especially the last one. I want so fervently to know how I am doing in His eyes.
Speaking of Heavenly Father, today I was reminded of how involved Heavenly Father is in my life. Not just in spiritual things. I had forgotten that. I have not asked Him for help in school (besides tests) for a long time. I have not asked Him for the confidence I need to be a good nursing student. I have not asked for His help in my exercise goals. I have much to change. How blessed I am to have this reminder.
And now I get to go practice. Wish me luck!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Happiness
I've realized a lot of things about myself since Thursday night. Most of them are weaknesses that I have. But because I've realized them I think I can now work on making them better.
Something that became apparent last night after Taylor dropped me off (*side note: the dinner was good. It was fun but somewhat uncomfortable and I didn't know how he expected me to act. But it turned out fine thankfully) is that I have a tendency to almost increase my sadness by doing things that will make me cry rather than trying harder to move on and be happy. Last night I was super tempted to play love songs on the piano. I knew that if I tried to sing along I would just cry and cry thinking about Taylor. So I didn't. Instead, I started cleaning my room. I think that was a good choice...
Another thing I realized about myself is that I have a hard time not remembering all the wonderful and positive things about a relationship or about a person. I forget about the reasons I broke up with him and remember all the sweet things he did for me or the funny personality traits he has that I loved or the things that remind me of him. Of course this makes me start to question why I broke up with him in the first place since everything was obviously so wonderful. I have had to be more logical and remember that there were big reasons that I broke up with him-things that are still there and most likely will always still be there.
I also have been thinking lots about how I am motivated by my desires or wants. I think most of my life my desires have pushed me to do good things, so I have thought little about not doing what I wanted. Lately, however, my desires have not always been things I could follow through with. I have found myself reasoning that it's fine because I want to do it. However, I have realized how wrong that is. Wanting to do something is of course not permission to do it. I don't know if this makes any sense at all. But it has kind of been a enlightening thing for me lately.
Mostly what I have realized is that I have not been proactive in being happy. It is so easy to just mosey along with whatever my emotions dictate. But sometimes that's not okay. As of now it would be silly and unwise of me to give in to urges to feel sorry for myself, to focus on my unfortunate happenings, and to do things that will increase my sadness. Instead I need to remember the reasons I broke up with him and do things to be happy-serve others, read scriptures, pray, and trust in Heavenly Father.
Something that became apparent last night after Taylor dropped me off (*side note: the dinner was good. It was fun but somewhat uncomfortable and I didn't know how he expected me to act. But it turned out fine thankfully) is that I have a tendency to almost increase my sadness by doing things that will make me cry rather than trying harder to move on and be happy. Last night I was super tempted to play love songs on the piano. I knew that if I tried to sing along I would just cry and cry thinking about Taylor. So I didn't. Instead, I started cleaning my room. I think that was a good choice...
Another thing I realized about myself is that I have a hard time not remembering all the wonderful and positive things about a relationship or about a person. I forget about the reasons I broke up with him and remember all the sweet things he did for me or the funny personality traits he has that I loved or the things that remind me of him. Of course this makes me start to question why I broke up with him in the first place since everything was obviously so wonderful. I have had to be more logical and remember that there were big reasons that I broke up with him-things that are still there and most likely will always still be there.
I also have been thinking lots about how I am motivated by my desires or wants. I think most of my life my desires have pushed me to do good things, so I have thought little about not doing what I wanted. Lately, however, my desires have not always been things I could follow through with. I have found myself reasoning that it's fine because I want to do it. However, I have realized how wrong that is. Wanting to do something is of course not permission to do it. I don't know if this makes any sense at all. But it has kind of been a enlightening thing for me lately.
Mostly what I have realized is that I have not been proactive in being happy. It is so easy to just mosey along with whatever my emotions dictate. But sometimes that's not okay. As of now it would be silly and unwise of me to give in to urges to feel sorry for myself, to focus on my unfortunate happenings, and to do things that will increase my sadness. Instead I need to remember the reasons I broke up with him and do things to be happy-serve others, read scriptures, pray, and trust in Heavenly Father.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
A jumble of thoughts
This last week has been busy. I have been such a grump! Being tired, stressed, and overwhelmed and always feeling like I'm falling short is not good to my mood. And then I feel awful because these are the times when it would be most important if I was truly kind and Christlike and these are the times I fail! But I have the rest of my life to improve. I just have to keep trying...
I finished ICU and breathed a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, that made me forget about my post assessment, my two tests this coming week, and my hours of homework due on Tuesday... I like busy Mondays, right?
I ran the Halloween half marathon and have been in pain since. Oh my goodness I've never been this sore in my entire life! My knees kill because lots of the race was downhill, my hips are popping twice as much as usual, my calves are super sore. Even my abs and my shoulders and my neck are sore! And if you were wondering...the 6th and 12th mile felt the longest, the 13th mile was the most painful, and the 0.1 at the end almost made me cry because I just wanted to be done already! But it was still worth it. I can now say I've run a half marathon. And I'll train better next time :)
I've been asked out twice in the past week or so. Those were the first times since I started dating Taylor. Both of them were at church. I think I'm way more social at church than anywhere else. It was kind of awkward to be like-"oh, I'm dating someone." Oh well. Whatevs.
Speaking of dating someone...Taylor has been gone for the weekend to a cousin's wedding. I guess I'm a needy girlfriend but I just don't know why he's been so non-communicative. It's kind of bothered me a little. I've missed him more than I thought I would but not as much as I wished I would. Interpret that if you can.
I still have not decided about what to do about a mission. I do know that I have to make a decision on my own and then pray about it. Heavenly Father isn't going to send me a lightening bolt to tell me what to do. But I hate making decisions. I'm paralyzed with my fear of choosing the wrong path and finding out just in time. I don't want to do that again. It hurts. Lots. But I need to choose what I feel will make me the happiest and go with it. Being indecisive is the worst. And it complicates my life planning capabilities. Good thing I've never been much of a planner anyways! :)
But now it's time for bed. I need to get some sleep to help this tired, sore body of mine recover. I need to remember to be grateful and not let my confusion, my indecision, or my fear overshadow my ability to be happy. Life really is beautiful. How can I complain about having such amazing options to choose from?
I finished ICU and breathed a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, that made me forget about my post assessment, my two tests this coming week, and my hours of homework due on Tuesday... I like busy Mondays, right?
I ran the Halloween half marathon and have been in pain since. Oh my goodness I've never been this sore in my entire life! My knees kill because lots of the race was downhill, my hips are popping twice as much as usual, my calves are super sore. Even my abs and my shoulders and my neck are sore! And if you were wondering...the 6th and 12th mile felt the longest, the 13th mile was the most painful, and the 0.1 at the end almost made me cry because I just wanted to be done already! But it was still worth it. I can now say I've run a half marathon. And I'll train better next time :)
I've been asked out twice in the past week or so. Those were the first times since I started dating Taylor. Both of them were at church. I think I'm way more social at church than anywhere else. It was kind of awkward to be like-"oh, I'm dating someone." Oh well. Whatevs.
Speaking of dating someone...Taylor has been gone for the weekend to a cousin's wedding. I guess I'm a needy girlfriend but I just don't know why he's been so non-communicative. It's kind of bothered me a little. I've missed him more than I thought I would but not as much as I wished I would. Interpret that if you can.
I still have not decided about what to do about a mission. I do know that I have to make a decision on my own and then pray about it. Heavenly Father isn't going to send me a lightening bolt to tell me what to do. But I hate making decisions. I'm paralyzed with my fear of choosing the wrong path and finding out just in time. I don't want to do that again. It hurts. Lots. But I need to choose what I feel will make me the happiest and go with it. Being indecisive is the worst. And it complicates my life planning capabilities. Good thing I've never been much of a planner anyways! :)
But now it's time for bed. I need to get some sleep to help this tired, sore body of mine recover. I need to remember to be grateful and not let my confusion, my indecision, or my fear overshadow my ability to be happy. Life really is beautiful. How can I complain about having such amazing options to choose from?
Monday, August 13, 2012
A chapter closed.
August is a good month. Remember how last August I was supposed to get married? Well guess what? It's been a year. I love that it's been a year. Time makes things seem so much better. Last August was awful. But this August is so good. On Saturday, after an awesome family reunion, I cleaned out my room. In the midst of my cleaning I came across a box of stuff. This was a regular shoe box. But it was stuffed full. It was full of things Matt had given me. Notes, pictures, cards, letters, etc. I had kept them "just in case." But it was time that I got rid of that "just in case." So, with the moral support of my sisters and my dearest Mother, I emptied that box. It was harder than I thought it would be. But I did it (and we ate some year old sourpatch candy to boot :)
I didn't want to throw these notes in the garbage for someone to read. So I shredded them. The hard part was not pain. It was not loneliness. It was not heartache. The hard part was getting rid of something that had been made with such meaning and love. At first it felt so cruel to destroy something so lovingly created. But I realized, thanks to Mom, that it was better to get rid of it. It was better for both of us. And he would want that for me. I've moved on. That chapter of my life is closed. Those memories will forever remain, but I can now look back to them as a life experience that helped shape me into what I am today-hopefully a little closer to the woman God wants me to be. I am so happy right now! Life is so exciting. There are so many wonderful opportunities ahead of me.
Here is a sample:
Tomorrow I am going shooting. I am super excited :) I love shooting. And I really need to finally get a picture of me shooting. Wahoo!!
This Saturday morning (early early morning) I am going to hike Timp. Another goal will be checked off and new, awesome, beautiful, fun memories made.
This week I have two cousins getting married. How cool is that?
This week I am going to exercise like crazy. I love it.
And this week I'm going to do lots of weeding, reading, cleaning, praying, and studying. It's gonna be great!
p.s. Did I already mention on here the fabulous fact that I don't have to get my wisdom teeth out yet? haha not for 2 more years! Do you know what that means? It means my dentist paperwork is already done for my mission. All I have left is a picture to upload, my license and passport scans to upload, medical paperwork to get done, and 3 more interviews. Yayayayayay :)
I didn't want to throw these notes in the garbage for someone to read. So I shredded them. The hard part was not pain. It was not loneliness. It was not heartache. The hard part was getting rid of something that had been made with such meaning and love. At first it felt so cruel to destroy something so lovingly created. But I realized, thanks to Mom, that it was better to get rid of it. It was better for both of us. And he would want that for me. I've moved on. That chapter of my life is closed. Those memories will forever remain, but I can now look back to them as a life experience that helped shape me into what I am today-hopefully a little closer to the woman God wants me to be. I am so happy right now! Life is so exciting. There are so many wonderful opportunities ahead of me.
Here is a sample:
Tomorrow I am going shooting. I am super excited :) I love shooting. And I really need to finally get a picture of me shooting. Wahoo!!
This Saturday morning (early early morning) I am going to hike Timp. Another goal will be checked off and new, awesome, beautiful, fun memories made.
This week I have two cousins getting married. How cool is that?
This week I am going to exercise like crazy. I love it.
And this week I'm going to do lots of weeding, reading, cleaning, praying, and studying. It's gonna be great!
p.s. Did I already mention on here the fabulous fact that I don't have to get my wisdom teeth out yet? haha not for 2 more years! Do you know what that means? It means my dentist paperwork is already done for my mission. All I have left is a picture to upload, my license and passport scans to upload, medical paperwork to get done, and 3 more interviews. Yayayayayay :)
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I won't give up!
I just got introduced to Jason Mraz's song: I Won't Give Up. And I really love it.
Anyways...for the past couple weeks (like I've mentioned in like 3 posts already-sorry) I've been missing some particular boys. Just two. But because it's not just one, I understand that it's not actually them that I miss (well, I actually do miss them, but not in the way I'm making it seem) but having that wonderful support all the time. I'm lonely. I have an amazing family and awesome friends and I love them. I love spending time with them. But I have been 'casting my mind back' upon the wonderful feeling of support that comes from having a boyfriend. Someone who loves you and wants to make you happy.
HOWEVER! I read an awesome blog post (because I'm a blog stalker-I don't know this girl, but she garnered a whole lot of my respect from this post) about rockin' your singleness. And do you know what I realized? If I am not happy being single there is no way a relationship is going to give me the happiness I desire. That's not where happiness comes from. It can give you happiness and joy, but you only get that joy from being selfless and giving your self to that special someone. I'm not ready to do that. But you know what? The best thing that I can do now is learn how to give myself to someone. Because the most important person I can give myself to is my Heavenly Father. He can then shape me into who He wants me to be.
I want to be married some day. I want to have my own family. I love families! I love beautiful, eternal love stories. I want that! But until then, I'm going to learn how I can be happy on my own.
And lest I lead you astray, let me make it clear that I am happy. I am so much happier than I've been in a loooong time. But I can be even happier! And I'm going to learn better to rely on my Heavenly Father. I'm going to strengthen my faith in His love, in His knowledge of me, and in His timing and plan.
Just like our beloved President Uchtdorf said "I understand that, at times, some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God’s path for you. And that path will take you to your “happily ever after” destination.
Anyways...for the past couple weeks (like I've mentioned in like 3 posts already-sorry) I've been missing some particular boys. Just two. But because it's not just one, I understand that it's not actually them that I miss (well, I actually do miss them, but not in the way I'm making it seem) but having that wonderful support all the time. I'm lonely. I have an amazing family and awesome friends and I love them. I love spending time with them. But I have been 'casting my mind back' upon the wonderful feeling of support that comes from having a boyfriend. Someone who loves you and wants to make you happy.
HOWEVER! I read an awesome blog post (because I'm a blog stalker-I don't know this girl, but she garnered a whole lot of my respect from this post) about rockin' your singleness. And do you know what I realized? If I am not happy being single there is no way a relationship is going to give me the happiness I desire. That's not where happiness comes from. It can give you happiness and joy, but you only get that joy from being selfless and giving your self to that special someone. I'm not ready to do that. But you know what? The best thing that I can do now is learn how to give myself to someone. Because the most important person I can give myself to is my Heavenly Father. He can then shape me into who He wants me to be.
I want to be married some day. I want to have my own family. I love families! I love beautiful, eternal love stories. I want that! But until then, I'm going to learn how I can be happy on my own.
And lest I lead you astray, let me make it clear that I am happy. I am so much happier than I've been in a loooong time. But I can be even happier! And I'm going to learn better to rely on my Heavenly Father. I'm going to strengthen my faith in His love, in His knowledge of me, and in His timing and plan.
Just like our beloved President Uchtdorf said "I understand that, at times, some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God’s path for you. And that path will take you to your “happily ever after” destination.
“Happily ever after” is not something found only in fairy tales. You can have it! It is available for you! But you must follow your Heavenly Father’s map...Sisters, we love you. We pray for you. Be strong and of good courage. You are truly royal spirit daughters of Almighty God. You are princesses, destined to become queens. Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your “once upon a time” is now" (Your Happily Ever After, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf).
Isn't that beautiful? My once upon a time is now! So I need to learn how to make it the happiest once upon a time ever :)
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Stalking & Being Sheltered
Is it okay to stalk someone on the internet? I do it quite a bit to guys that ask me out that I don't know, but sometimes I feel a little guilty when I find a lot of personal stuff out there. Then I get worried about what people can find about me. Not that anyone would have any reason to stalk me or anything, but just in case...
I've searched my name lots of times and every time I'm shocked at how much information comes up. A name can link you to a lot of things... I found pictures, my whole family history, wedding registries (that is the most annoying-anyone know how to take those down?), race times for any race I've ever been in, MVHS honor roll (haha, high school honor roll... YES! ;), all my google buzz statuses, my fb profile, my address, my age, DOB, my friends on Google +, concert rosters, a place I volunteered at, and lots of information on my family. Oh yeah, and it has all the recent people I've become friends with on fb. That is all just slightly disturbing. But heck, what is anyone going to do with that information anyway? When I first started this blog, I left it searchable. Then I realized that if I ever put someone's full name on here (I should just never do that-I think I'll go back and change that right now) my blog will come up. So now it is no longer included in google searches. I saw yesterday the craziness of finding someone's blog from a name that they wrote in a post. Anyways. The internet is not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. That's all ;)
On another note...
I've been having a lot of conversations lately about growing up in Utah and being "sheltered" my whole life. So many people have teased me about being the naive, sheltered, Utah Mormon girl. Being taught at home only compounded that problem. But is it a problem? I know I've been sheltered. I rarely heard swearing, I didn't watch much TV, I knew nothing about movie stars and singers, etc. I definitely was not exposed to how evil the world can be. I was told it was out there though. BYU is still a very sheltered place. However, being in nursing (hospital environments, public health clinics, the Prison, etc) has "opened my eyes" :)
I've thought a lot about this. If I had not been so sheltered, if I had known more swear words, if I had seen how horribly evil things can be, would I have been a better person? Would I have been more prepared to cope with life? Would I have a stronger testimony? Would my relationships be different? Would I be more confident? I believe the answer to all of those is no. I don't think it would have benefited me in any way. So what is the big deal? Am I still naive? Yes. Does that make me a lesser person? No. Does that make me a worse student, nurse, sister, friend? I don't think so. Will I eventually have to deal with it? Yep. But why is earlier any better than later? If my testimony or my confidence or my foundation in life was based on other people, that might be a problem. But it isn't. And the foundation it is based upon will never change.
In the long run, it is all based upon our willingness to have faith in Christ, our willingness to be taught, to be humble enough to learn, and to be sensitive enough to be guided down the paths He wants us to go. And that can happen no matter your background-whether you've been as sheltered as I have been or weather you're an experienced veteran to the craziness and evil of the world.
Any thoughts?
I've searched my name lots of times and every time I'm shocked at how much information comes up. A name can link you to a lot of things... I found pictures, my whole family history, wedding registries (that is the most annoying-anyone know how to take those down?), race times for any race I've ever been in, MVHS honor roll (haha, high school honor roll... YES! ;), all my google buzz statuses, my fb profile, my address, my age, DOB, my friends on Google +, concert rosters, a place I volunteered at, and lots of information on my family. Oh yeah, and it has all the recent people I've become friends with on fb. That is all just slightly disturbing. But heck, what is anyone going to do with that information anyway? When I first started this blog, I left it searchable. Then I realized that if I ever put someone's full name on here (I should just never do that-I think I'll go back and change that right now) my blog will come up. So now it is no longer included in google searches. I saw yesterday the craziness of finding someone's blog from a name that they wrote in a post. Anyways. The internet is not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. That's all ;)
On another note...
I've been having a lot of conversations lately about growing up in Utah and being "sheltered" my whole life. So many people have teased me about being the naive, sheltered, Utah Mormon girl. Being taught at home only compounded that problem. But is it a problem? I know I've been sheltered. I rarely heard swearing, I didn't watch much TV, I knew nothing about movie stars and singers, etc. I definitely was not exposed to how evil the world can be. I was told it was out there though. BYU is still a very sheltered place. However, being in nursing (hospital environments, public health clinics, the Prison, etc) has "opened my eyes" :)
I've thought a lot about this. If I had not been so sheltered, if I had known more swear words, if I had seen how horribly evil things can be, would I have been a better person? Would I have been more prepared to cope with life? Would I have a stronger testimony? Would my relationships be different? Would I be more confident? I believe the answer to all of those is no. I don't think it would have benefited me in any way. So what is the big deal? Am I still naive? Yes. Does that make me a lesser person? No. Does that make me a worse student, nurse, sister, friend? I don't think so. Will I eventually have to deal with it? Yep. But why is earlier any better than later? If my testimony or my confidence or my foundation in life was based on other people, that might be a problem. But it isn't. And the foundation it is based upon will never change.
"remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation;...a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall" (Helaman 5:12).There is definitely a need to be able to interact with all kinds of people, to be confident and self-assured, to have good people skills, and be socially competent. But that doesn't come from knowing more about pop culture or being desensitized to inappropriateness. That comes by interacting with people often.
In the long run, it is all based upon our willingness to have faith in Christ, our willingness to be taught, to be humble enough to learn, and to be sensitive enough to be guided down the paths He wants us to go. And that can happen no matter your background-whether you've been as sheltered as I have been or weather you're an experienced veteran to the craziness and evil of the world.
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Sometimes...
...I have this overwhelming longing for someone's strong arms to hold me, for someone to tell me they love me even when I feel awful about myself, someone who believes in me and helps me move forward even when I'm terrified of what lies ahead, someone to comfort me when I wake up from an awful dream. It comes suddenly and washes over me at the most random times. Sometimes I'm sitting in Mission prep, sometimes I'm in my dance class, sometimes I'm just thinking about the week ahead. When this happens I immediately think back to previous relationships I've had and question my decision to break it off. I know, bad idea. But don't worry, my logic brain kicks in pretty quick and I remember all the things that prompted me to make that decision. Someday it will work out, right?
On another note... this week is going to be insane. I'm kind of scared. I have so many assignments due and a test to take and my first piano lesson in a long time. But it'll be good. I just need to keep calm and carry on :)
On another note... this week is going to be insane. I'm kind of scared. I have so many assignments due and a test to take and my first piano lesson in a long time. But it'll be good. I just need to keep calm and carry on :)
Monday, January 23, 2012
2 For the Show
This last weekend I went on two dates. It was super fun. And really good for me. (btw, my dating life is the epitome of the "it never rains but it pours" phrase. I'll go for months without one date and then have like 5 in a two week period). Here are some more things I learned about myself and what I like and dislike:
- Why are there so many boys who don't like reading? When boys don't like it, my interest in them just drops a tiny, teansy bit. But it does drop. I LOVE reading! I think it is such an important part of learning and life.
- When you don't understand a person's humor it makes a date not quite as fun, just quite confusing. But when you get it, it's funny :) And much less confusing.
- Going to volunteer at the MTC is really cool. I liked it a lot. Missionaries are so great!
- I really like creative dates--even if that means we have to walk in the snow for a while. And homemade ice cream is really good.
- When guys cook for me, my "I'm really impressed" feeling goes up a lot.
- I stink at bowling.
- Guys that are not very athletic aren't quite as attractive.
- When guys can dance it makes them more attractive. :)
Ok, that's all about those dates.
Yesterday, for Sacrament meeting, a girl gave a talk about learning to accept what happens in life. She told a personal story of how things have worked out so differently in her life than she thought (in reference to relationships--she's now engaged to a boy who just left on his mission because he's a convert, but now she has to wait two more years. Anyways...). She kept asking God why that had happened, but then, in answer to her prayer, she learned this valuable lesson. We can complain, and worry, and make ourselves miserable grumbling about it, or we can accept it and move on. This talk hit me really hard.
For so long I've had the question on my mind "why did I have to break off my engagement. Why me? Why did I have to go through a long relationship just to have it not work out? Why did Heavenly Father want me to experience so much awful pain and confusion and frustration? Why can't I get over it already? Why didn't it work out? Why is my heart still hurting, 6 months after the fact? I was trying SO hard to do the right thing! Did I do something wrong? Should I have never gotten engaged? It has caused so much pain, heartache, confusion, loss of confidence in my ability to feel the Spirit, to follow promptings, to make decisions."
But then, while she was giving her talk, I realized that it doesn't matter. There is nothing I can do to go back and change what happened. All my analyzing doesn't change the past. And, like Jen pointed out, if I could go back I would do it all the same. It may have been a mistake to get engaged. I broke someone's heart. I did a lot of things that weren't very smart. But the Atonement can solve all those problems. Being frustrated and angry with Heavenly Father for allowing me to experience that doesn't help me one bit. It actually makes the healing process worse, more painful, and much longer.
In her talk she quoted the story of Saul, when, after going about persecuting the Saints, the Lord called him to repentance. "Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks" (Acts 26:14). She emphasized this phrase: It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks. That's what I have been doing, and it doesn't help one bit. It's hard to do that and still be happy.
So I'm going to try to not "kick against the pricks" but accept that that is a part of my life, and Heavenly Father knew it would happen, and thus it was probably something I really needed. And all I can do now is to move on and let myself heal fully.
Good idea? Good idea :)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Babies
Today I witnessed a miracle. It was beautiful. It was awe inspiring. Today, for the first time in real life, I saw a baby born.
Today was my first day of clinical. It started off rather sobering, but ended up so well. I was able to "help" a mother with the delivery of her brand new baby. I saw the labor from just before she started pushing until she and her baby were taken down to the Mother/Baby unit. It was very different than I had expected, despite having to watch videos of a birth many times beforehand.
Pushing took so much longer than I realized, even though I've heard about grueling long deliveries. It was tiring (and I wasn't even doing the work!). I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that little head, covered in hair, starting to emerge. I kept thinking to myself, "how in the world is that a baby?!"It took a while for the rest of the body to follow, and there were a few concerns about possible complications, but everything went smoothly in the end. In the last few minutes, as that Mother was pushing so hard, and as the baby's shoulders, arms, torso, and legs suddenly came through, I couldn't believe that a brand new person had just entered the world. And I watched that tough Mamma and that tired Daddy beam as they were able to hold this new member of their family.
Some people would describe that labor very differently. It was quite bloody, slightly gross if you think about it, very painful, stressful, long, tedious, and, occasionally, disheartening. But seeing that brand new human being, that child of Heavenly Father, makes it seem like it would all be worth it (I can't say it does, I've never experienced it ;). Throughout the day, as I heard sad stories about babies who didn't live, or miraculous stories about babies who lived when not expected to, I thought a lot about this quote:
“When God wants a great work done in the world or a great wrong righted, he goes about it in a very unusual way. He doesn’t stir up his earthquakes or send forth his thunderbolts. Instead, he has a helpless baby born, perhaps in a simple home of some obscure mother. And then God puts the idea into the mother’s heart, and she puts it into the baby’s mind. And then God waits. The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies” (quoted in The Treasure Chest, edited by Charles L. Wallis [1965], 53).
I learned a lot of new things today (a LOT) and I thought about a lot of things. But I think the greatest thing that happened today was a reminder of how beautiful, and fragile, life is.
Elder Neil L Andersen, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gave a beautiful talk last general conference entitled Children. I was reminded of that talk today. Here is one of the quotes that I love from his talk:
"It is a crowning privilege of a husband and wife who are able to bear
children to provide mortal bodies for these spirit children of God. We
believe in families, and we believe in children.
"We express deep gratitude
for the enormous faith shown by husbands and wives (especially our
wives) in their willingness to have children. When to have a child and
how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a
husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions—decisions that
should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith.
"Let us humbly
and prayerfully seek to understand and accept God’s commandments,
reverently listening for the voice of His Holy Spirit.
Families
are central to God’s eternal plan. I testify of the great blessing of
children and of the happiness they will bring us in this life and in the
eternities" (Elder Neil L Anderson, Children, November Ensign, 2011). I saw just a little bit of that happiness in the hospital today. And I was reminded again of how much I want to have children. It was a hard thing when I thought that day would come so much sooner and then it didn't. I don't think it will come for a long time. But I'm so glad I get to experience a little bit of that happiness through others' experiences.
And I'm no so much more motivated to study, which is always a wonderfully needed thing. Yay for clinicals!
p.s. Here is a beautiful talk by President Hinckley as well: Behold Your Little Ones
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