Vulnerable

You can tell how bored and lonely I am when the number of posts that I write increases drastically haha. I really really miss going to school full time and being a nursing student. I don't know how I did it when I can't even manage 6 credits currently, but somehow I did. I feel so out of the loop of school and real life because I'm taking classes that have nothing to do with my major, I only have two of them, and they're ending in less than a month. But it's okay. I'm sure there are plenty of things I am supposed to learn from this experience :)


I went to the temple tonight. It was absolutely wonderful. I can't believe how much I have come to love it in such a short time. I thought it would take me just as long or longer to come to love the endowment as it did for me to come to really love Baptisms (and that was quite a while) but even missing the last 3 weeks I have felt such a difference. I hope hope hope that I can go often on my mission and that I will make it a priority for the rest of my life.

There were several things I learned at the temple, and many more questions raised, but I wanted to just share one thought. This actually was brought to mind before the session started as I was waiting and reading in D&C. I first read 130 and then just kept reading. In section 132 I began to read about the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. I have read that many times and even marked it in some complicated way my seminary teacher taught me. But until tonight I had never really been affected by it. But as I read it I was suddenly struck with how grateful I am for the truth of eternal families.

"Therefore, if a man marry him a wife in the world, and he marry her not by me nor by my word, and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world and she with him, their covenant and marriage are not of force when they are dead" (D&C 132:15).

When I read these words my heart ached with that thought. And then I read the promise that comes with marrying in the House of the Lord, by the right authority, and in His way:

"And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them--Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection...and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, and all heights and depths...it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hat put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fullness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever. Then shall they be gods" (D&C 132:19-20).

Quite a drastic difference, I must say. As I read both of these verses I suddenly had the strongest desire to be married in the temple. Marriage is kind of a big deal and I want to marry someone for eternity. I have always loved seeing couples go to the temple together. As I would sit outside the baptistery waiting to go down I would just watch as couples came walking hand and hand and entered the temple. And now I love it even more. I can't wait until I get to go with my husband. What a beautiful, glorious blessing. I just need to hurry up and find someone to fall madly and beautifully and joyfully in love with.


And now finally on to the title of this post.
I absolutely hate feeling vulnerable. I detest it. I have tried so hard to avoid it that it has become super difficult for me to let myself be vulnerable. But lately I've been working on it. I've been trying to love without expecting love back, to serve without a guaranteed thanks or kind gesture in return, and to be more open about my feelings even when I'm clueless about others' feelings. And let me tell ya. It has been HARD! It often makes me physically uncomfortable and I have to go expend this pent up frustrated emotion in some physical exertion.

This has always been pretty obvious in my dating life. I don't often like boys as it is, but if I do like a boy and he doesn't return that interest very obviously and quickly, I back peddle super fast and remind myself of all the reasons I wouldn't like him-his faults, weaknesses, why he's not that awesome-so I can save myself from liking someone who doesn't like me. But I have determined to change that. I'm going to stick with liking someone even if their feelings are not obviously clear. And if they end up not liking me, and that does become clear eventually, then I will hurt a bit and learn a bit and know that I can actually like someone. Isn't that fabulous?


Anyways... I need to go to bed. But those are my rambling thoughts this evening.