Add a little spice to life!

As of this afternoon at 5:00 all of my nursing classes were over for this semester. That is kinda a big deal :) I've loved this semester but am so ready for it to be over and for spring term to begin.

I've been thinking a lot about my life these past couple weeks. Many things have happened that have caused me to reflect on who I am becoming (or who I have become) and how comfortable or content I am with myself. I have realized several things that are rather frustrating, and a few that are encouraging.

Something I have realized is that my excitement for life has remained very dampened. Ever since August I feel like my enthusiasm has been almost null. At the beginning of this semester some of that returned, but reflecting over my emotions I've realized that much of it hasn't. Two examples:

I used to love watching movies. I had a list of movies I wanted to see and really looked forward to times when I could sit with friends or family and watch a good movie. Now, however, I don't really care about movies. When someone asks me what movie I want to watch (or if I want to watch one) I don't feel at all that old familiar excitement. I usually end up enjoying the movie if I actually watch it, but there is no anticipation like there used to be.

I also used to love buying new clothes. I would think about what I wanted to buy and come up with new outfits and try to think of how I could spend my money on the most articles of clothing. Recently I don't really care about buying clothes. I have never really loved shopping, but now I don't even have the excitement I used to have of getting cute, new clothes to encourage me to actually go shopping. It is rather unfortunate.

Now I don't know if these things are just because my likes have changed, or if because I have yet to get myself back to the level of optimism, excitement, and anticipation that I used to be at. Perhaps it is just growing older and realizing some things aren't as cool as I thought. But that is very boring.

Basically I am trying to learn once again how to be excited about little things (and big things), how to get enjoyment from anticipation, and how to love life fully, because there is no reason I shouldn't.


In a completely different vein...
I have been feeling very many conflicting emotions about relationships lately. Sometimes I see cute couples and my heart just melts (like it used to) and I long to have a relationship again in my life. I want to love someone! I want to be excited to be with a boy that I really really like. But then I realize that I don't really like dating at all right now. I mean, I'll go on dates, plenty as a matter-of-fact. But I don't really get excited about them (maybe it isn't so different as the above topic after all). And then there are times, especially when I hear Laura talk about her confusion with relationships, that I absolutely hate the idea of being in a relationship. I don't EVER want to feel that confusion again. It is not worth it. And then I realize that that feeling is not very healthy and I need to look forward to a relationship that can blossom into love and then result in marriage ;) Relationships will always be accompanied with some confusion, frustration, and hard work, right? And I should not be afraid of hard things.

And then I begin to wonder if I am just too judgmental or if no one will ever measure up to the standard set by Matt, or if I just need to be patient and that when the right man comes along I'll fall madly in love (riiiiiiight). I guess this is where I learn to cultivate patience and not be obsessed with marriage and not hate marriage.

Ok, that's all.

Apathy

Remember how I hate feeling apathetic? It is probably one of the things that I could realistically say that I loathe. I also fear it a lot, because I feel like when I don't feel things, I'm not truly living. I'm just kind of muddling along. I'm starting to feel apathetic lately. But it's a little different this time. This time it's almost like I feel like my life is a dream, and I act and think and do things when I'm with other people, but then, when I'm by myself it doesn't seem like that was really me doing all of those things. My brain is extremely good at trying to take complete control over my thoughts. It is almost like I'm in a different world when I just let my thoughts run how they may. When I close my eyes, things that are not real, or that are impossible, or that are really not me become very realistic and very possible. And it scares me. It is like a different form of apathy, because in a way I feel like I'm not truly living. I'm just going with the flow. I have good conversations, and I study and do my homework, I go to work and school and clinical, but when I am by myself, with my own thoughts, I feel like this girl, me, Bekah, hasn't really done any of that. It's almost like someone else is doing it. Anyway, this is a weird post. I need to get over this feeling, because I almost hate is as much as the other form of apathy I am prone to feel lately. How to I combine both my selves into one again?

Why do I do it?

Sometimes I torture myself. What purpose does this serve, you might ask? I'm not sure, but it may have to do with the fact that I hate more than anything to feel apathy. Hence, I would rather feel piercing sorrow or longing than to feel nothing. And because of that, I do things like this:

• Sing songs that I used to sing to Matt--songs that he loved so much--and feel the loneliness hit so hard!
• Imagine all of the wonderful things that I would have if I were married (someone who would be waiting up for me when I got home from campus at midnight after a 16 hr day, someone to cuddle with, someone who would give me the most wonderful massages in the world! Someone who would selflessly listen to all my complaints when I was so discouraged, buy me my favorite food when I was too tired to make something or was too sick to want anything else, who would encourage me when I was so upset with myself, and who loved me no matter what I did).
• Think about all the pain I would have escaped if I had been given that blessing to be married right now. 
• Read memories that bring me so much pain and start the flood of tears. 
• Read Matt's blog posts and remember all the ways I was so undeserving of his love and how he gave it so completely and so selflessly to me anyway. 

Ok, that's all I've done tonight and that's all I want to write right about now. I need to finish my paper. But hey! If I'm staying up until the wee hours of the morning doing homework anyway, why not waste a little time to have a pity party on my blog?!  I've been doing it all day anyway. So there ya go. I set a new record for the semester today: 16 hrs on BYU campus. I love nursing school.

Life will get better! I will survive this. I know it will not kill me. I know I will not feel apathy forever. Okay, back to writing about autism and vaccinations...

Perspectives...

I've realized that I have such a different perspective about life than I used to. Well, I guess only in one aspect. But that aspect is pretty huge. It's the aspect of relationships. More specifically, romantic relationships. I used to look forward to my relationship with my future husband all the time. I used to day dream about it on a daily basis, probably more than once a day. And I would "scope out" boys as I walked across campus.

Then I was engaged. It was very different than I thought it would be. It was more stressful than I imagined. It was more complicated than I had ever dreamed. But it was beautiful. I was the most important person in someone's life. And he cared about me more than anyone else! And he always put me first, no matter how busy his day was. And I loved it.

However, now I am not engaged. I had no idea I could feel so much pain. It also was beyond anything I had imagined. That pain is mostly gone now (there is still definitely a sadness, but it isn't the piercing pain like it used to be). Instead it's more like a deadness, an apathy toward relationships. And I'm totally fine with that right now, as I know I need to heal and work on becoming a better person right now. But I don't ever hope or dream for it anymore. It seems so unreachable to me. So out of my life. But it's not in a sad way. It's more like it just became so foreign, so odd, so unfamiliar to me that I can't imagine it and I don't want to hope for it. I walk across campus and view people as if they are in a different world than I am, in such a different aspect of life. I see couples who obviously love each other so much, and I smile for them, but I feel like I will never again feel that.

Sometimes I feel familiar excitement about marriage like I used to, for just brief seconds, but then my mind just refuses to even dream about it. But, like I said before, it's not very often in a sad way, just in an acceptance sort of way, like I'm okay with the fact that I can't see myself ever getting married, ever having that relationship again.

And now I wonder, is this something that will pass? Do I just need to wait and let my heart continue to heal? Or is it something I need to attempt to overcome? I know that marriage is a commandment, and I want to want it. But I don't anymore. I don't know, what do you think?