As of this afternoon at 5:00 all of my nursing classes were over for this semester. That is kinda a big deal :) I've loved this semester but am so ready for it to be over and for spring term to begin.
I've been thinking a lot about my life these past couple weeks. Many things have happened that have caused me to reflect on who I am becoming (or who I have become) and how comfortable or content I am with myself. I have realized several things that are rather frustrating, and a few that are encouraging.
Something I have realized is that my excitement for life has remained very dampened. Ever since August I feel like my enthusiasm has been almost null. At the beginning of this semester some of that returned, but reflecting over my emotions I've realized that much of it hasn't. Two examples:
I used to love watching movies. I had a list of movies I wanted to see and really looked forward to times when I could sit with friends or family and watch a good movie. Now, however, I don't really care about movies. When someone asks me what movie I want to watch (or if I want to watch one) I don't feel at all that old familiar excitement. I usually end up enjoying the movie if I actually watch it, but there is no anticipation like there used to be.
I also used to love buying new clothes. I would think about what I wanted to buy and come up with new outfits and try to think of how I could spend my money on the most articles of clothing. Recently I don't really care about buying clothes. I have never really loved shopping, but now I don't even have the excitement I used to have of getting cute, new clothes to encourage me to actually go shopping. It is rather unfortunate.
Now I don't know if these things are just because my likes have changed, or if because I have yet to get myself back to the level of optimism, excitement, and anticipation that I used to be at. Perhaps it is just growing older and realizing some things aren't as cool as I thought. But that is very boring.
Basically I am trying to learn once again how to be excited about little things (and big things), how to get enjoyment from anticipation, and how to love life fully, because there is no reason I shouldn't.
In a completely different vein...
I have been feeling very many conflicting emotions about relationships lately. Sometimes I see cute couples and my heart just melts (like it used to) and I long to have a relationship again in my life. I want to love someone! I want to be excited to be with a boy that I really really like. But then I realize that I don't really like dating at all right now. I mean, I'll go on dates, plenty as a matter-of-fact. But I don't really get excited about them (maybe it isn't so different as the above topic after all). And then there are times, especially when I hear Laura talk about her confusion with relationships, that I absolutely hate the idea of being in a relationship. I don't EVER want to feel that confusion again. It is not worth it. And then I realize that that feeling is not very healthy and I need to look forward to a relationship that can blossom into love and then result in marriage ;) Relationships will always be accompanied with some confusion, frustration, and hard work, right? And I should not be afraid of hard things.
And then I begin to wonder if I am just too judgmental or if no one will ever measure up to the standard set by Matt, or if I just need to be patient and that when the right man comes along I'll fall madly in love (riiiiiiight). I guess this is where I learn to cultivate patience and not be obsessed with marriage and not hate marriage.
Ok, that's all.
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