Weaknesses

For the past couple of weeks, especially during finals and after, I have been reminded again and again of my many flaws. Or I discover new ones. It has been such a strange feeling. However, instead taking this as an opportunity for growth like I should, it has almost paralyzed me. I have grown very afraid of not being able to do it. Of not keeping up. Of not having an amazing scripture study every night. Of learning something I need to fix in my life but not being able to fix it because I have so many other things to work on.

This is a problem. It is definitely not helping me with my mission preparation. Nor my temple preparation. Nor my confidence. I have felt so very weak and vulnerable, almost more so than I have felt before. It has made me afraid to set goals!

I know this feeling is not from God. So. I'm going to refuse to be okay with it. I know I have weaknesses, I know I have flaws, but I should use that knowledge to pray for guidance in how to overcome those. Not throw my hands up in despair because there are just too many things to work on.

I am going to do that by setting some goals:
-Finish Preach My Gospel before I leave on my mission.
-Finish the New Testament before Christmas.
-Study the Book of Mormon for 30 minutes every day.
-Attend the temple every week.
-Figure out a reasonable goal for the Old Testament :)
-Pray for service opportunities on a daily basis.

I think that gives me enough to work on for now...


I need to remember this:

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Philippians 4:13. 

Oh August

August is a good  month. I really like it. It is hot, with beautiful warm summer nights. It is the last month before school (if you take a break summer term...), and it usually consists of at least one family reunion.

This August is no different. It has been very hot here and I love it! We get to have two family reunions this August: one for just my immediate family this weekend and then one for my Dad's side of the family in a few weeks. I'm super excited for those.
There is fresh produce from the garden. Home grown tomatoes are so delicious. Especially on a melted cheese sandwich. Dang, I want one right now :)
There is usually canning and gardening and fruit picking and weeding etc.
Oh yeah, and usually everyone is getting married right about now in August. That's always exciting.


This August there is the republican convention in Tampa, Florida. I want this shirt. I'll probably buy it today. I don't usually buy shirts for things, but this is something I care so much about. Ron Paul is one of my biggest heroes :) So I am so willing to spend money to support him, because he represents the ideals and morals that I care about so much.




This August I am so much more motivated to exercise than I ever have before. I love it. Yesterday I ran three miles, did 290 crunches/situps/bikes/legs (haha, Kathy and I rotate between those 4 ab exercises), and did 26 pushups (27 is my current record). I want to train for a half marathon. I think that would be such a cool race. I don't know if I would ever want to run a full marathon, that just seems too painful. But a half would be great.

I also want abs like this:

hahaha riiiiight. Maybe someday? :)

This August I'm pretty ready for school to start. This has been a well needed break, but I'm not going to lie, I've kind of missed school. I don't know what I'll do when I'm graduated. I don't want to ever graduate! (Unless I'm married and have kids. Then I want to be done). I do hate homework, but I hate working at a quiet office for 8 hours a day even more. 

This August I'm getting my wisdom teeth out! I set up an appointment for the end of this month. Sadly it will be the first week of school, but earlier is better than later. I still need to set up an appointment to get my physical done, but after that my papers should be good to go! And then I'm goin' on a mission.  :) 

This August I want to go to the Temple more often. I want to really study my scriptures. I want to ponder lots. I want to go out and teach with the sister missionaries. I want to go on lots of hikes. I want to keep exercising until it becomes a habit. I want to strengthen friendships. I want to be more Christlike.

It's going to be a fabulous month. 

EFY

I never went to EFY (Especially For Youth). It was something that I didn't care enough about to earn the money for. And it was waaaay too expensive here at BYU. Sometimes I wish I had gone, but really I'm pretty okay with the fact that I didn't.

However, I want so badly to be an EFY counselor. I keep reading posts/blogs/statuses about EFY counselors and it's making me so very jealous! I love teenagers! I think they are such fun people to be around. Esp the just barely teens, the 13-14 age group. If I am for some strange reason still her in Provo next summer, it is my goal to be and EFY counselor. I'm pretty sure it would be my dream job. How would it be to have under your care for a whole week a group of teenagers who are wanting to become better, who are in a position to listen to you, to learn from you, to (hopefully) like you and enjoy being with you? I know that I don't have a lot in the way of being an role model for teenagers (I'm pretty weird and awkward and ridiculous), but I do have a testimony of the gospel, a testimony that I would love to share with these kids. To help them find joy in life through the gospel. To help them gain appreciation for this wonderful gift that we have.

Anyways. I probably won't be here next summer. Almost positively won't. But maybe when I get back from my mission I can check this off my list of dreams.

Summer Goals edited...

First and foremost: I have a brand new niece! I love her already. :) She was born this last week and I get to meet her this Friday. Wahoo!!

I changed a few of my goals. No, I just added some more important ones...

~Learn archery. I'm super excited about this one. I've wanted to be an archeress (?) basically my whole life-ever since I read The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe series. Archery is awesome. So I'm going to learn it this summer.

~Go to bed before 11 (hopefully by 10) every night of the week and before 12 on weekends. I need to catch up on some sleep. It's a really bad sign if I still fall asleep every time I sit down to read my scriptures or even read a novel. I need to be better rested. It will also help with my goal to be more in tune with the spirit.

~Horse riding is still here

~Exercising is definitely still here-and it is still not begun. Shoot.

~Going to Alaska: flights are already booked. YES!

~Learn how to do a round off back hand spring on the ground. Still working on it.

~Get tan-not accomplished. Losing hope. But still working on it ;)

~Spend more time in the scriptures. Mission prep is really helping me out with this goal. It's great.

~Go to the temple twice a month. I really need to get on this. It has been my goal for a long time, but I've almost been consistent with once a month. But that can change this summer.

~Jumping on the tramp is definitely occurring more frequently. I love it.

~I've started Les Mis. It's beautiful. It's very long and it's very detailed. It's going to take me a while to get through it.

~Earning money is still not up to where it could be. I need to be more motivated to put in more hours...

Ok, well I need to go to bed now to try to keep my goal of getting enough sleep. Our boiler broke so I'm kind of dreading going to bed because then I have to wake up to a cold shower. Not very exciting.

Oh, I watched the Avengers. Interesting. A little too violent for my taste, but I'm glad I saw it. I'm so glad there was nothing suggestive or inappropriate in there. It made me much happier. And it motivated me to learn archery. And be in better shape. :)

Annnnd I joined a frisbee team. Sweet. We've won our first two games so far and it's been super fun and such a good workout for me.

Ok, goodnight!

Bookworm

I used to be the biggest book worm. I would read all day, especially before I started high school. I would hide out in my favorite reading spots and stay there all afternoon (unless I got caught to finish my jobs). Some of those favorite places were the house roof, the old camper, sitting on the bathroom counter with my feet in the sink, the barn roof, the trampoline, and my bed. I would get so enthralled in the story that I would get cold or hot depending on the season in the book I was reading, feel happy or sad or frustrated or twitterpated along with the main characters of the book, and learn the lessons they learned. To give you a sense of how much I actually read...I read the whole 9 books of the Work and the Glory series in one week. I got quite sick of certain phrases the Gerald Lund uses, but I loved the books :)

However, since I began college I've probably read 10 (or less) non-assigned books. I've been working straight ever since the summer of 2009 and going to classes year round except summer of 2010. So Fall 2009, Winter 2010, Spring 2010, break (but still working ~35 hrs/week), Fall 2010, Winter 2011, Spring 2011, Summer 2011, Fall 2011, Winter 2012, and then Spring 2012. I've been just a touch busy. But I've realized that that is no excuse for not reading because I (obviously) spend lots of time on the internet, fb, blogs, etc. So I am going to make a book list that I can start on to read over this next summer. I don't have a ton yet, so I would love suggestions :)

Finish 1776 by David McCullough. I've started this twice and just haven't ever finished it. So I want to do that. I also have a really cool version of the book that has copies of all the famous documents/letter/maps from the revolutionary war. It's great.










To the Rescue: the biography of Thomas S. Monson. I have also started this book twice (I'm currently working on reading it right now) and really want to finish it. Even the few pages I read every couple days make me inspired to be a better person. It took me a while to like it because the writing style is very different than the biography of President Hinckley (which I LOVED) but it is definitely growing on me.







Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo. I have, once again, already started this book before but I never finished it. I've heard so many good things about this story. I know brief sections of it, and I know some of the soundtrack from the musical (and I love that) but I have never seen or read the whole thing. So I definitely want to finish this one over the summer.








Those are the three that I've been wanting to read for quite a while now. All of those are rather time consuming reading though. Any suggestions on good books that aren't quite as heavy reading?

I'm really excited to start reading again. I've been missing it in my life for a long time. I've had emphasized to me so many times in the last few weeks that life long learning is a fundamental part of being a member of the Church and that reading is one of the best ways to continue to learn. I know it helps my vocabulary, and my writing, and, obviously, my reading skills. So here's to a more literary summer! ;)

Happy April!

Conference was amazing! I loved it. It was not necessarily everything I was expecting and it didn't answer all my questions about my future, but I realized that it didn't need to. I realized that what it did do was much more important. "And what is that?" you may ask. It gave me direction for how I need to improve myself, what I need to work on, how I need to become better, and that is the most important for me. I have been struggling lately with not feeling things. I know a lot of things in my head, but it has been a while since I have felt the way I want to feel. But I realized something this past week. It started out in my New Testament class when we read this scripture:

"From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him. Then Jesus said unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life. And we believe and are sure that thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God" (John 6:67-69).

This interchange occurred just after Jesus had given a sermon about His death, resurrection, and the Sacrament. It was "an hard saying" and offended many. However, the apostles did not "go away," because although they did not understand very much yet about Christ's true identity and mission they did know that He had the words of eternal life and that He was the Son of God.

Sometimes in life we will be dished "hard sayings" and we may not understand why or how we will get through them. But I know that never will I be able to fall away because I know and am sure that my Savior lives, that He loves me, and that He truly is the Son of God.

I also was reminded of the whole principle of faith. Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith. Living the gospel is not going to be, to quote Chelle, "Peaches and Cream" all the time :) You may not necessarily want to do the things you know you should. You may not feel a constant burning testimony all the time. But you can be continually building that unshakable faith that President Henry B. Eyring talked about in his conference talk during the Saturday morning session. That faith is not built by seeing miracles every week or by having amazing spiritual experiences all day long. Instead it is built by integrity, by consistently choosing right.

In essence, I realized that I can't give up trying because I don't feel the desire constantly. I need to make that commitment to always follow the Savior, no matter what, and then, after the trial of my faith, I will receive the witness that I desire.

I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ lives! I know that my Heavenly Father is aware of my needs. They have promised that they will not leave me comfortless, and I believe that! Sometimes we push them away so that we cannot feel their love, but that is because we are not allowing them in, not because they are not there knocking at the door. I hope you all enjoyed conference and if you weren't able to watch it, I highly recommend taking the time to do so. It will change your life.

I've missed blogging! I just spent a few hours perusing the blogs that I fell behind in reading ;) You may not have missed me, but I definitely missed reading about all the amazing people I know and learning from your examples ;) Have a fabulous evening!

General Conference

General Conference is in two weeks from today. I am so excited! I have always loved general conference. It is such an inspiring two days that should be the inspiration for the subsequent 6 months. However, this last general conference was not the best for me. I was still pretty emotionally torn up and I hoped that conference would help heal me. I wanted to feel the Spirit, I wanted to feel Heavenly Father's love for me. In essence, all I was looking for was comfort. To my dismay, I didn't feel what I wanted to feel. I was really disappointed. I don't really know why, but I do know that I did not prepare myself for conference like I should have. I was too busy to really sit down and ponder how I wanted to feel, to think about how revelation could come to me, and be ready to receive it. So, in hopes that I can better feel the Spirit this conference time, I've decided to set some goals that will help me eliminate distractions for the next two weeks.

1). Read and ponder the Book of Mormon every morning for at LEAST 10 minutes. I don't have children, I don't have an early morning job (except on Wednesdays), and I don't have anything preventing me from getting up 10 minutes earlier to have time to dedicate to my scriptures.

2). Read the New Testament every night, at least one chapter. My ward is doing a challenge to read the four gospels and 3rd Nephi before Easter. I've read 3rd Nephi, but I'm still only in Luke. So I need to get a move on and catch up!

3). No more facebook. Yep, I'm going on an fb fast. I know people always do this and sometimes make a big deal out of nothing, but I'm going to try it and see if it gives me a little more time.

4). No more blogs. Haha, this may just result in me having to spend hours catching up when I get back, but I just want to free up more time for homework, which in turn will help me go to bed earlier which will help with both getting up earlier and having a clearer head for studying.

5). No more music except for classical (and I'm still not sure on that...). I never listen to music except in the car, but I figured that for two weeks I can take that out of my regular life.

6). Basically only use internet when I absolutely have to. For quizzes, online assignments, etc.

7). My Mom suggested this and it sounds super appealing but I don't know if I can actually do this... She told me I should go on a boy fast ;) No more dates for the next two weeks. I have a date tonight, but after that I'm really tempted to just be "busy" for the next two weekends. I think it would just relieve some stress and help me really analyze how I'm feeling and give me time to think about what I want. I'm not super set on this one, but I'm going to try it.

8). This will be my hardest: no texting unless absolutely necessary. If I ever need information first, I'll just call and leave a message and they can text me back. I'm not going to initiate any texting. That will show me just how dependent I have become on having someone to talk to constantly. I think this one will help me more than most of the other.

Ok, that's all. Basically it's a media/internet fast. But I never watch movies or TV anyway, and I have to get on the internet for school and work at least once every day, so I had to specify. We'll see how it goes. I need to get my life back in order the way I want it, and even though I know these things are wonderful, and I would never eliminate them from my life for good, I think it will just be a good experiment to teach me to live without them for 2 weeks.

So, my next post will be in April. Let's see how this goes....

Hey Sugar, I like your eyebrows...

That title has nothing to do with this post, except for the word SUGAR. (It's from the Vocal Point song "I Can't See Me Stalking Nobody But You:" "Hey Sugar, I like your eyebrows! Nah, that's kinda weird." anyways...!)

In my office we have a candy bowl, which happens to sit on my desk right, in front of my face. We have a rotation every week for who fills up the bowl and this week it was the students' turn. I was not very smart and bought my very favorite hard candy (left) and my favorite chocolate candy (below) to put in the bowl. This resulted in me eating waaaayyyy too much candy yesterday. It was ridiculous. As a result I have decided to go on a sugar fast. Yep, I'm going to do it again. For reals this time. I know I bombed March 1st, but we're going to pretend I didn't and I'm doing no sugar for all of March. The only exception to this is dates, but I have a feeling that my dating spree is coming to an end soon so that won't be much of a problem. 


I mentioned this to a friend and he started worrying that I was doing it for fat reasons. Although I probably should have that as a reason, it isn't at all. I really do this so that I can increase my self-control. I have an issue with self-control. Sometimes I can be so very good and other times I fail miserably. Lately I've been failing. So in hopes that having self-control in one area of my life will benefit every other area, I'm starting a sugar fast. And it makes me feel healthier too, so that's a good thing.

Anyone want to join me? I am so determined to do this wholly and completely. No more late night ice cream trips with Taylor, no more brownies with Brittany, and no more snacking all day from that blasted candy bowl. Bring it.

*p.s. It was kind of really difficult to look up a yummy picture of reese's peanut butter cups to post here. Aren't they heavenly? Goodness. 

What power is it?

This past weekend I watched 17 Miracles--a movie depicting a few of the many miracles associated with the Willey Handcart Company. That was the second time I'd seen it. Although there a few things about the way the movie was made that I dislike, it is an extremely moving video. As I watched it for the second time I was again struck with the faith of these pioneers. How did they do it? As I watched, I reflected on my life and how difficult it has been to me these past 3 months. In comparison to what they experienced my trials are tiny! I know that people say that the trials we have today are just as hard but in a totally different way, but honestly? Would I be willing to stand up for what I believe in the face of death? How were they able to continue to have faith and rely on their Heavenly Father when it seemed like He had abandoned them? I hope that I would still have faith if I was in their situation, but I honestly can't say that I know for sure if I would.


Something else that really stood out to me in that movie was how so many of the miracles came after these Saints put forth all their effort. For example, the story of the woman leaving an abusive husband to go to Zion. Her husband was on the train with a gun looking for her, ready to keep his promise that if she tried to leave him he would kill her. She did the only thing she could do and switched hats with the lady sitting across from her. And a miracle occurred--her husband looked directly at her and did not recognize her. 
The story about the biscuit shows this principle as well. This woman with so much faith prayed just for something small to feed her crying children. Suddenly she remembered a biscuit she had saved from their trip across the ocean. It was cold and tiny and hard but she put it in a pot with some water and put it over the fire. She then prayed that this little biscuit could feed her children. When they opened up the pot it was full--that biscuit had multiplied.

But Heavenly Father did not need those women to do those things--He could have created that miracle without one switching her bonnet and without the other warming a biscuit. But He didn't. Why? I've pondered that a lot lately. There must be an extremely important lesson or principle for us to learn by doing our best, giving our all, even if our all is only a tiny biscuit. 


And what about the people who were not healed? The many who instead suffered and died on the journey? Why were they not all given that miracle? Why were some families given a promise that they would all reach Zion, every one of them, when others weren't? I have also pondered the principle of enduring rather than overcoming.This lesson is taught beautifully by Paul:

"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong" (2 Corinthians 12:7-10, emphasis added).

I don't think I would ever be "exalted above measure," I don't have that worry :) But there must also be something vital to learn from having to endure trials, not getting the answer I want to every prayer. I know that when I am suffering, my prayers get more sincere. When I am struggling, my efforts to draw closer to my Father in Heaven are greatly increased. And maybe that is a reason I don't get what I want, even when it seems like a righteous, pure desire. I have a long, long, way to go, but I pray that I can come to honestly say, "for when I am weak, then am I strong."

The week in musings

Just some random musings I've had over the past week:

• So much music on the radio is ridiculous lately. 
• I never want to be one of those people that make you think "I wonder what she says about me when I'm not here..."
• Sometimes life is so difficult and I don't like it. How can I become content with the simple fact that life is hard and I need to learn to enjoy it anyway? 
• Gossip is so detrimental to everyone's Spirit. I really want to be a person who is known for always saying positive things about people and standing up for them when others aren't. 
• Sometimes I get tired of trying so hard and I give up. But then it makes life so much worse and then I have to try that much harder. 
• Dates are fun, and even though I haven't been very excited about them, they are really good for me and they turn out much better than expected. 
• I am not a huge fan of meat. But Tucanos is still good--I just like the non-meat stuff better. 
• Not doing an assignment is the WORST thing EVER! 
• If I never get married, or if I don't get married for a long time, I don't want to become bitter about it and cynical about life and critical of other people who seem like their dreams are all fulfilled. 
• I need to figure out my priorities and make them priorities time-wise during my day. I think that would make life a little easier. 
• I need to have more faith that I can get answers to my prayers, even if they take a long, long time in coming and lots and lots of fervent prayers.
• I love children, they make me so happy :)
• I never appreciated people's testimonies very much until lately--now I'm beginning to understand what people meant when they said they were strengthened by hearing the testimonies of others. 

Ok, I need to go to bed now.  I'm going to make this next week so much better than this last. And I'm going to memorize a scripture a day, like I'm supposed to. And I'm going to read a conference talk (at least one) this week. And I'm going to read my scriptures in the morning-no matter what else I have to do. And I'm going to sing a lot. And pray a lot. And refuse to be okay with negative thoughts.

Goodnight.

The Secret to Happiness

Yesterday/today I found the secret to happiness. And it is so simple that it makes me wonder what took me so long to figure it out. The secret to happiness=deciding to be happy! Can you believe that it has taken me this long to realize it? Yesterday, while fasting, I realized that however hard I prayed, however hard I fasted, however much I pleaded I couldn't be happy if I wasn't willing to give up my self-pitying attitude. Yes, I know, it is so obvious! But I finally realized that I have the power to overcome my temptations, my struggles, my heartache--because my Savior, Jesus Christ, has agreed to be on my team, to lift my burden, if I am really willing to give it to Him.

You would wonder why I would ever want to keep being sad--I didn't think I did either. But I realized how much easier it is to stay sad, to be sorry for myself, to wallow in my own self-pity, than it is to get out of that rut and be happy. Yes, I miss Matt. And yes I have struggles, but that just means that I have more opportunity to trust my Heavenly Father. He knows best! And I can be happy having faith in Him. I still have heartache (the evenings are definitely the hardest--especially when I have Oh! so much I want to tell him and when I want so badly to make him happy!) But this too shall pass.

I have looked back on almost every other stage in my life thinking, "that was so much better, I was so much happier." Well today I realized, while longing for those "care-free" freshman days, that my life is pretty much back to how it was before + loneliness/heartache/more blessings/more experience. And I can be happy!

I definitely can't do it on my own. I realized that today as well. I need my Saviors help more than ever. But if I live my life in a way to have the Spirit with me, I can be happy! And I am fighting for that, believe me! I want it enough to make myself give up feeling sorry for myself :) I love the scripture, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened" (Matthew 7:7-8).

So today I made a list of the things that will help me be happy:

Sincerely count my blessings--every time I start to complain

Look for opportunities to serve

Stop bemoaning my lot--honestly get rid of those thoughts

Inhibit negative thoughts

Get enough sleep :)

Study hard and don't waste time! 

Memorize scripture

Read conference

Those are my goals for the next rest of my life :)

Okay, now to studying hard...