Until then.

Dearest blog,

This will be my last post on you for quite some time. I'm going to miss you. But this adventure I am about to embark on will be so very worth it. I wanted to write down some of my thoughts after this very eventful day.

My heart is so full. Today has been such a blessing. I gave my farewell talk this morning in my home ward. What amazing people are in that ward. I love them so much. I felt so humbled as I was greeted and congratulated by so many amazing family, friends, and even people that I didn't know well but knew my family. I was humbled by the support I was shown today. I was humbled by the compliments I received and by the expectations people have for me.

As I think about serving a mission I have so very many emotions.

My stress levels are pretty dang high because of my finals tomorrow and the fact that I have so very many more things to get done before I leave. So much shopping left to do. An immunization to get. A drs appointment to go to. Classes to pass. Packing up all the stuff I am leaving behind. Packing up all the stuff I am taking. Okay, I have to stop now.

I am so very excited to be a missionary. I can't wait until I have a name tag. With the sole purpose of bringing others to Christ. What better calling can you have than that? I have been blessed with little glimpses of how amazing it will be and it has made me so very excited. There is so much joy that comes with serving the Lord.

I am so nervous to leave the life I have known to embark on something that is going to be so very difficult. I have not prepared as I should have and I feel bad about that. I'm nervous about being able to accomplish the things I need to do, of being able to have the ability to keep going even when things are hard. I'm nervous about being able to get along with my companions, of feeling like I am living up to what is required of me, and of being humble enough to be led by the Lord.

My heart aches when I think about the people I am leaving behind. Good heavens. It currently makes me sick to my stomach to think about leaving them. I have been blessed with the best family on the planet. Sorry to everyone else. I have been blessed with the most amazing friends who love me and strengthen me and put up with all my ridiculousness on a continual basis. I have been blessed with a new reason for happiness which makes it even harder to leave. I am going to miss so many important things.

I am humbled as I think of the trust that God is putting in me as I embark on this work of saving souls. Who am I to be getting such a wonderful job? But I am so grateful for the knowledge I have that the Lord qualifies those He calls. Otherwise we would never send out such young, inexperienced, rather unprepared young men and women to share the most important message known to man.

Life is so very beautiful. God is so good. I am constantly reminded of the blessing it is to know that God knows everything, that He knows me, and that He is creating the best happily ever after just for me. My life has not gone as planned. But that is because my plan is so imperfect.

I know that this Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I know that our Savior, Jesus Christ lives. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me more than I can hope to comprehend. I know that this adventure will teach me things that I need to know to be the woman I need to be. So wish me luck as I head off to do the most scary, the most exciting, and the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.

With love,
Rebek

p.s. My mission blog is at this address: ahakeber.blogspot.com

Lately...

I don't like the depressing title of my last post staying at the top for so long. So here's an update of some of the things I have been doing the past few days.

Skirt making: 

I can't take this on my mission, but I had the fabric, and I really like maxi skirts, so I made it anyways. It was fun. It didn't turn out quite how I wanted but it worked.

Sister bonding time ;) 

 This was during a Sunday evening family planning session. We obviously love those :)

Country dancing with these fabulous people: 

James, Me, Whitney, and Peter

We went two nights in a row and it was awesome :) We learned several dips, and I kind of forgot about the drs orders about not bending over. Being upside down and flipped around isn't that bad for me, right? Whoops! 

Pretending to be an elivish princess aka bow and arrow shooting with Trijsten:

 This was my second time and it was super fun. Even more fun than the first time. I think I want a bow :) I think the guy at the archery place thought me and Trijsten were married because he kept trying to convince Trijsten to buy me a bow haha.

 Having farewells at work: 

 I have worked at this job for 3.5 years. Crazy, huh? My coworkers were planning on giving me a gift at the last monthly luncheon I was going to be at, but because BYU thinks they can just change Tuesday into Monday I had class and wasn't able to go :/ However, they saved me a delicious plate of food, made me that lovely sign, and left me this gift on my desk. It is a pink, beautiful, leather journal. And each of them wrote a page in it. It was so sweet. These people have pretty much watched me grow up during my college years. Watched me go through my first relationship, get accepted into the nursing program, break off an engagement, waffle between life plans, and everything else you do during college. I am going to miss them.

 Studying Spanish! 

I haven't studied nearly as much as I should. And I have tons more to do before I take my finals on Monday (yikes!) but tonight Amelia helped me figure this much out. Pretty much saved my life. If I can memorize these tenses and verb endings I am definitely going to have a much greater chance of passing this class...


I've been doing lots more stuff. Like shopping for and buying luggage, a cute raincoat, and many clothes, having pizza making parties, doing lovely nasal rinses everyday (sorry that one's gross), spending time talking with friends, and experiencing a very broad spectrum of emotions. It has been an adventure. And the next few days will be as well. More Spanish studying tomorrow, lunch with Brittany (I love her!), dinner at Brick Oven and shooting with James (I'm super excited), farewell talk writing, more shopping, cleaning and dejunking and packing up all my stuff, giving a farewell talk, saying painful goodbyes, taking finals (ugh), reading Preach my Gospel and Scriptures, probably some crying, and getting set apart as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I am so excited to serve. I can't wait to wear a name tag. It's going to be hard. And things might happen while I'm gone that I will miss. And I still cannot grasp at all the fact that I'm going to be gone for the next 18 months. But it is going to be fabulous.

13 days. Oh, and happy Valentine's Day!

Guess what?

I go into the MTC in 13 days. It's pretty crazy. This day is kind of ironic, you know. I called off my wedding 13 days before it was supposed to happen. Of course this isn't anything like it except that they both are major, life changing, possible eternally significant decisions. And knowing that it's 13 days away makes it seem so crazily close.

I'm not ready! Still. I sure do hope I learn a lot from these Spanish and BoM classes because otherwise I don't know if the time they take from preparing for my mish is worth it. (Not like I don't waste time on fb or blogging or anything...)

I need to come up with a plan of what I'm going to buy and when.

Top priorities currently as as follows (this is only a shopping list. There are other preparations far more important):

-SHOES! I need some really good, comfortable, durable shoes.

-A rain coat: I don't really have one of these. I only have super heavy duty coats and then a few really light jackets. So I need a raincoat that can be somewhat warm but not really warm.

-Scripture bag. This one is rather important because I believe I will be using it from day one for all my important things that I need with me all the time.

-Footies. Most of the shoes I'm bringing need nylons or footies. And the more I wear nylons the more I don't like them. So I want some good quality (not the kind that fall apart and don't even stay on your feet) ones.

-Hygiene stuff. I think I should take enough of this for at least a transfer so I don't have to be worrying about getting to the store right when I get there.

-The missionary library.

-Music. I think I will die without music. I'm not allowed to bring an Mp3 player so I need to get some CDs, a CD player, and some speakers.

-I need to get my second Hep A shot. I am such a procrastinator on this one.

-And a few more outfits. I'm going to get bored of my clothes really fast seeing as I wear them almost every day already for work. Not that you need the best, most chic clothes for a mission, but I would still like to be cute. I also need to take in my shabby apple dress (Thanks to Kerri I was able to buy a super cute one) and finish my skirts.

-I need a first aid kit and things like batteries for my camera, pictures of my fam, pedigree chart, etc. But those aren't as important because they are not necessities.

-Oh, and i still need to look at luggage one more time. Glorious.

And I think that's all. Then there is the whole other part of preparation. My Dad thinks I should give up media already to start breaking it in, but I'm of a different opinion. I need to get it all in before I leave :) And I still need to finish PMG. It is so good but it takes me so long to read! And you can never read your scriptures too much.

So wish me luck as I try to catch up on Spanish, do all this shopping (oh yeah, did I mention that I really don't like shopping?), and prepare as best as I can in the next 13 days. It's gonna fly by.

Moods

Tonight I'm in a grumpy mood. And when I'm in a grumpy mood I usually just direct it at all boys in general. Whoops!

This has been a super emotional day for me. It started out with good emotional ness. I had a beautiful experience that helped me get more excited for my mission and helped me feel Heavenly Father's love for me. I cried. That is somewhat unusual because I haven't been much of a crier lately.

Then after that I sent a stupid text and got all annoyed at myself and the person I sent it to because I just imagined what he must have been thinking (wasn't great in my imagination-who knows what he was really thinking) and when I think that he is thinking that I'm a retard I feel dumb and then I get mad at him for thinking that I'm a retard and then I'm just annoyed. I'm really trying to keep in mind that I have no idea what he is actually thinking in these situations. This has always been a bad habit of mine.

Then I watched the district. And again I felt a humbling, while still exciting, feeling about being a missionary. Then I started stressing.

Then I went to choir. And it was good except that boys are ridiculous sometimes and think it's hilarious when I blush and so they purposefully make me blush. And today it kind of hit a sensitive spot. And it kind of hurt a tad. And it mostly just made me more stressed. Afterwards one of them (who is super cute I might add) came up to apologize to me and he was really sweet about it and you know when people talk to you like that when you're already on the verge of tears? Yeah. Thankfully I held them in until we sang the first hymn.

The Lord is My Light. It was beautiful.

1. The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?

By day and by night his presence is near.

He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;

This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.

[Chorus]

The Lord is my light;

He is my joy and my song.

By day and by night he leads,

He leads me along.

2. The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,

Faith, stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies

Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign.

Then how can I ever in darkness remain?

Especially this next verse...

3. The Lord is my light; the Lord is my strength.

I know in his might I'll conquer at length.

My weakness in mercy he covers with pow'r,

And, walking by faith, I am blest ev'ry hour.

4. The Lord is my light, my all and in all.

There is in his sight no darkness at all.

He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King.

With Saints and with angels his praises I'll sing.

And I could barely make it through the chorus each time. What a beautiful comfort. He will cover my weaknesses with power if I turn to Him. 

I was frustrated during every meeting because, while I was really trying to feel the Spirit and learn from the speakers and teachers, I kept having slightly critical thoughts go through my head. And then I felt guilty. Because that's not okay. Which then just makes things worse. 

But I just need to repent and try harder tomorrow. Darn Satan. You aren't winning this one... 

Goodnight! 

p.s. I made a skirt on Friday. I'll put a picture up sometime. Oh. And I found my camera again. Glorious. 

I kind of feel like this song today... 

dis·trac·tion

I don't know what's up with me lately, but focusing on preparing for my mission has not been my focus, and it's kind of driving me nuts.

School is taking waaaay more time than I thought possible for only 6 credits. Spanish. Whew! I have two tests this next week. Obviously BoM and Spanish. And I'm slightly nervous about them. Un poco nerviosa...


Lord of the Rings has also been a big distraction. I love J. R. R. Tolkein. Wow he was amazing. And his books rock. I just read the part where Eowyn kills the Lord of the Ring Wraiths. I was super excited for that part. Girls can be awesome warriors too, if needed ;)


And the king of Gondor is about to burn himself and his son Faramir on the pyre in the middle of the city in the graveyard. What the heck! And Frodo just got captured by the Orcs. And Sam has the ring!
As you can see, it's kinda intense. But I have really been trying to curb this addiction to reading them so I can remember to also spend more time in the scriptures and in PMG. Where I should be.








And I'm also distracted by love songs. Pa leeze. I need to get over it and go on my mish. But these are some of the phrases that have been stuck in my head (aside from the few boy hating songs that are always there):

"You're the sky that I fell through, and I remember the view whenever I'm holding you."

"Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you."

"I don't know but I think I may be falling for you, dropping so quickly...I'm trying not to tell you, but I want to. I'm scared of what you'll say...

I've been spending all my time just thinking 'bout you...I think I'm fallin' for you"

"When you're near I hide my blushing face and trip on my shoelaces, grace just isn't my forte but it brings me to my knees when you say 'Hello, how are you, my darling, today?'"

And another song by The Band Perry... 

Yeah, I'm silly. Anyways.... I have been trying super hard to re focus on preparing for my mission. It is a little hard because when I think about it too much I get so stressed out since I'm leaving so soon. But It will be good. And I just need to work a little bit harder to get ready :) 

Now I just need to go shopping for like 10 hrs straight.... 

Ooops. Sorry.

This weekend was awesome. One of the most adventurous and exciting I've had in a while. 

Thursday night, as previously mentioned, I went to Phantom of the Opera with one of my favorite people. It was great. Although it wasn't my favorite plot, I had a blast. And the fog was pretty sweet that night as well. 

Friday night I was inducted into the religion of Star Wars. I know, I know, I've been told many times that if I haven't seen Star Wars I'm not a true American. But I finally saw it! The first one that is. Er. Fourth one. Whichever one was made first. And it was great. The movie was made a loooooong time ago ;)

Saturday I went snowboarding! For my first time ever. It was exciting. Quite. Basically it was me trying to ignore every survival instinct in my whole body and have faith that I wasn't going to die when I put my board straight down the mountain. SCARY! I'm such a wimp, but I made myself do it :) Thanks for convincing/teaching/findingasnowboardfor me James! It was great. However, the combination of it being extremely physically exhausting, me having forgotten to really eat anything that day, and the stress of sliding down the mountain with both feet strapped to a board resulted in extreme muscle soreness and shaking. My hands are still shaking today. That makes me just slightly concerned. But it was fun and I'm glad I went.

Today, Sunday, I was able to go to a farewell talk of a good friend. She got her call just a few weeks before I got mine and she goes into the MTC just 3 weeks before I do. She gave a marvelous talk on the importance of families and taking the time and effort to show your love. I really really liked it. However, I almost started hyperventilating as I realized that that would be me in 4 weeks from today. My farewell is February 24th at 9:00 for any of you who want to come. I am not at all prepared for my mission. I am behind inn everything. And I'm slightly stressed. But it's okay. Everything will work out. I just need to get going.

Due to this exciting weekend full of adventures, my Spanish studying really suffered. I didn't do anything. And thus the title of this post. Ooops, sorry school...

DIY

So I need lots of new skirts for my mission. However, skirts that are cute and long enough are kind of pricey. And I don't really have the money to pay $30+ for every new skirt. So. I'm trying to find easy skirt patterns that I can make. I've found a couple so far that I think I like. Which one is better? 

This one:

Or this one- 

Except I don't know if I love the pockets. Probably would make it without. 

Or this one-

I can't really decide how much I actually like this one...

Or this one-

I'm not sure if this would be too sloppy looking. What do you think? 

Or this one-

I rather like this one :)

Fabric is another issue. I have some jersey knit solid yellow fabric that I think I will make a dress out of. But I need to find some other good stuff. 

And, since I love this video and it kind of relates... :) 

My current plea

Dear life,

This may perhaps be a ploy of Satan, but most likely it is just timing/coincidence, but could you PLEASE stop preying on my weakness and getting me to not prepare well for my mission?! Good heavens! My current biggest downfall is boys. (Like usual). No, that's actually not quite correct. It is actually my desire to be married and have a family. Or even just to be dating someone I was so in love with. Or perhaps I am ridiculous and am just super missing cuddling way bad? Whatever it is, I would like it to stop.

Stop reminding me how much I love love songs. And handing me new cute ones all the time. It only makes this longing worse.

Stop throwing cute boys in my path that I thought I would never like (or never again like) and then see them a few times and realize I actually do.

Stop making marriage look so darn desirable when just a few months (or even weeks) it was something to dread from my perspective.

Stop making my mission look way hard. And giving me the fear that all the cute boys will be married when I get back!

Stop letting me see so many adorable babies that make me so baby hungry.

Stop allowing me to learn so many important lessons about relationships and making me want to implement them right away.

Stop doing this when I know I'm leaving on a mission in 52 days and can't do anything about this topic at the current moment.

And darn it. Stop making me miss cuddling so dang bad.

Yours respectfully,
A future missionary.

2013!!

It is 2013. What in the world? I still am just barely getting over saying '0 in front of the year.

This year is going to be such an adventure. I have never started a year off like this before-knowing what I will be doing in my life for the next year and a half. Starting in 54 days, I will be a missionary for Jesus Christ. Normally at the beginning of the year I know how much school I will do, what job I will have, and what classes I will take, but not much beyond that.

However, this year I know that (unless something dramatically crazy and revelatory and insane happens in the next 54 days) I will still be very single by next August. I won't be graduating like I thought before. I won't be starting a real life job. Instead, I will be serving the Lord. It's kind of a weird change. But definitely an exciting one. There are so many other unknowns to me right now: will my mission be extremely difficult? Will I be able to handle it? Will I be able to be an effective missionary? Will I like my companions? Will I be safe? etc. etc.

I'm not exactly sure what goals to set beyond February 27th, but I guess you do that on your mission. So far my goals have not been very focused. But as I have tried to prepare for my mission I have been struck with the urgency of that preparation. The MTC will be awesome. But 12 days there are not going to give me everything I need to be a missionary. That preparation started a long time ago and it just needs to hasten now. So that is where my goals will be focused, and most important I think is studying daily in the scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, and reading Preach My Gospel.

And that is going to be my 2013 :)

Eternal Significance

This morning, at 1:45 AM, this beautiful little boy was born. Weighing 7 lbs 14 oz, he is in second place for heaviest Andelin grand baby born this year (there were 5 this year. Pretty sweet, huh?). He was 19.5 inches long. And, as you can see, has lots of blonde hair. 

I got to meet him this morning and I already love him. I am so glad I will have two months to get to know him before I head out on my mission.

Yesterday was Chelle's official due date, so he was pretty punctual if you ask me :) As I was thinking about his upcoming birth yesterday morning I was struck by how significant this event is for Chelle and Jason. This will forever change their lives, their perspectives, their eternal focus. They will forever be called parents. What a beautiful thing. 

I couldn't imagine how I will feel on the eve of something so magnificent, so life changing. How do you feel then? It got me thinking about what else in life has such eternal significance. How many things do I do each day that will affect my eternity? How many decisions do I make that will actually change my lfie in such an important way? 

The past few days I have been wanting to be married and have a baby so bad! It's bad timing, right before I leave on my mission. But yesterday, as I was thinking the above thoughts, I suddenly realized that being a missionary will have this eternal significance. What I am sharing with the people I meet has the potential to change their lives, their eternities, forever. This glorious gospel has that power. The Atonement of Jesus Christ has that power. And I get to be an instrument in Heavenly Father's hands to share this message with everyone I meet. 

This thought gave me so much excitement. It helped me realize a little bit more the importance of my calling as a missionary. No, I won't be getting married for a long time, and so I won't be having a baby for a long time. But I will be able to share with people a message that can change their eternity. And that is a beautiful thing. 

"Missionary work is the lifeblood of the Church and the lifesaving blessing to all who accept its message."

-Elder Ronald A. Rasband 

Mission Prep

I am stressing. I am not at all ready for my mission. I know, I know, I still have 64 days. But most of those days I will be in school and work most of the day and studying for the rest of it. I wanted to get so much done this Christmas break and thus far I have done nothing. I ordered two dresses which I now have to return (Lame!) and I need to go in and exchange two pairs of shoes for another size. And I hate returning things. So much for shopping online...

I really wanted to make a dress. I even bought the fabric already and know what pattern I want to use. But I just need to hurry up and do it. Hopefully I can start it tonight.

I need to finish a skirt I started a year and a half ago. Haha, that's embarrassing.

I need to go through all my clothes and decide what I actually need. I really need shirts. That is where my issue will be I think. I need a couple more skirts, and more dresses would be sooo nice.

I really need to start exercising consistently. Because if I don't do it now, I KNOW it won't be easier on my mission.

But you know what? It's okay. Everything will work out :) And I'll be ready by February 27th. Now I just need to try to be patient as this day draaaags by till I can go home and keep doing important stuf.

Weaknesses

For the past couple of weeks, especially during finals and after, I have been reminded again and again of my many flaws. Or I discover new ones. It has been such a strange feeling. However, instead taking this as an opportunity for growth like I should, it has almost paralyzed me. I have grown very afraid of not being able to do it. Of not keeping up. Of not having an amazing scripture study every night. Of learning something I need to fix in my life but not being able to fix it because I have so many other things to work on.

This is a problem. It is definitely not helping me with my mission preparation. Nor my temple preparation. Nor my confidence. I have felt so very weak and vulnerable, almost more so than I have felt before. It has made me afraid to set goals!

I know this feeling is not from God. So. I'm going to refuse to be okay with it. I know I have weaknesses, I know I have flaws, but I should use that knowledge to pray for guidance in how to overcome those. Not throw my hands up in despair because there are just too many things to work on.

I am going to do that by setting some goals:
-Finish Preach My Gospel before I leave on my mission.
-Finish the New Testament before Christmas.
-Study the Book of Mormon for 30 minutes every day.
-Attend the temple every week.
-Figure out a reasonable goal for the Old Testament :)
-Pray for service opportunities on a daily basis.

I think that gives me enough to work on for now...


I need to remember this:

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Philippians 4:13. 

Once I got a mission call

On Wednesday, November 28th I received my mission call. Because of school and work and clinical and dance I wasn't able to open it until about 9:00 pm. Most of my family was there, either in person or on skype. It almost seems like a dream to look back at it. I had had a long day, I was tired, and I was so very excited to see where I was going to be called to serve. 

I opened it in the kitchen: 

I pulled out the packet, then pulled out the letter. It was upside down. As I turned it over I caught a glimpse of the word "Long" before I could cover it up. I hurried and covered it and then began reading from the top.

"Dear Sister Andelin,

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the California Long Beach Mission.

It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months. You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, February 27th. Prepare to preach the gospel in the English language."

I was...surprised. I had really wanted to learn a language. If I was going to serve stateside I thought for sure I would go to the East Coast. Also, I have never loved California very much. But as I continued reading the letter I felt such a peace and an enveloping of Heavenly Father's love. I know I was called to serve in the California Long Beach Mission. That is where the Lord wants me to be. As I have continued to learn about my mission I have gotten more and more excited.


As you may know, happiness has been something I care lots about. I mean, everyone does. But I've thought and studied and written about it a lot. Thus, this is one of my favorite parts:

"The Lord will reward you for the goodness of your life and greater blessings and more happiness than you have yet experienced await you."

As you can tell from the video below, that kind of meant a lot to me...

I am so excited to go serve the Lord. Ever since receiving my call my perspective has changed dramatically. I have been more acutely aware of my weaknesses and imperfections. I have had so many questions. And I have had fears about my inadequacies. But I also have seen how the Lord is so perfectly aware of me. I have had guidance given that perfectly matches what I need. I have gained a much greater testimony of the inspired origin of Preach My Gospel. I hope that as I continue to prepare I will gain a greater testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ, of His atonement, of the principles of the gospel, and of the importance of the work that I will be doing. I am reminded of what it says in the Living Christ, "God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son."


If you are so inclined, here is the video of the actual thing :) sorry about the wrong direction. I forgot to tell Sarah to film it the right way up. And I don't know how to fix it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDoicZbxosk&feature=youtu.be

It's here!

I'm opening my mission call in 4 hours. About. Maybe a little longer. I am so very excited. It is all so surreal. I can't believe it's finally happening. I have been to a few mission call openings lately and I just can't picture myself as the one opening the call. But it's at home. It's really there!

I'm nervous. I'm so excited. I'm a little scared that I'm not ready. And I'm praying that I will be able to feel peace. Not that I haven't been, because I have. But I love peace. I want to feel it about my specific mission call.

Now I"m off to my dance class. And then the dance lab (pray that it won't be awkward!). And then home to that big white envelope that I want desperately to open right this very moment!

Ttfn!

This week. Please?

So this morning my Bishop told me that my mission paper status has been updated to say "assigned." WAHOOO! FINALLY :) Okay, I've only been waiting for two weeks, but still! So I'm really hoping that that means it is going to come this next Wednesday. It should, but there are always exceptions and some reason I often am the exception. Oh well. I'm trying not to get too excited in case it doesn't actually come, but it's not really working. I'm excited.

If it does come, I'll open it some time around 7:30 (since I have class until 7). And I am still trying to figure out if I want to have people over when I open it, or just do it with family. I think it would end up just family anyways because not many people would drive over to Orem from BYU on a Wednesday evening. Maybe I'll just have some of my best friends and cousins over. I think I'll do that. Maybe all the single BYU cousins and then Britt and Laura. We'll see. I'm still thinking about it. I want it to be a memorable occasion, but I sometimes don't feel super comfortable when there are large crowds of people. And just in case I get called somewhere where I'm not super excited about, I don't want to have that awkward moment when no one knows what to say :) We will see....

Other happenings this week include taking Dad to the ED after he smashed his finger pretty bad. My Dad is amazingly tough. I would have been crying my head off if this happened to me, but he didn't shed one single tear. Don't look too closely, it might make you sick...

I'll spare you the large version of these... Doesn't that look so painful?! He had to get 12 stitches to sew it back up again. Thankfully the bone wasn't impacted.

On Friday night I was able to go to the beginning part of a little Bethlehem play and then Sarah drove me to Brittany's house where we studied psych somewhat, but mostly just watched Emma. Oh, Mr. Knightly, how I love you! :)

"Emma.... "

"Marry me. Marry me my wonderful, darling friend."

I also got to hang out with Rachel for a little that night, and then Saturday night was able to go up to her concert at Temple Square. It was awesome because the Willey's were in it as well :) Thanks Tanner, Josh, Caleb, and Sarah for coming with me!

Something dreadfully lacking from this Thanksgiving break was homework. It was beautiful to not do any, but it is going to make this next week death. Holy smokers. It'll get done, I just may not get much sleep...

Annnnndd....

Patience Iago

Well, I found out from my Bishop today that my call's status says "Ready to be assigned." Unfortunately this means that it's not going to come this week! Hopefully it will come by next week, but who knows with Thanksgiving getting in the way. Who would have thought that I would ever have a reason to resent a holiday?! Just kidding. I don't resent. Maybe this is good for me to really become comfortable with the idea that I'm leaving on a mission.

It's only been 2 1/2 weeks since I broke up with Taylor, so perhaps a little more time before I get my call will help me be more emotionally ready. I can't even believe that. That's really crazy. It's been a very long, eventful, emotional 18 days. But I've learned a lot, and I have had experiences where I will just stop in the middle of something and realize how happy I am. Of course I've been super lonely, and some days are way worse than others. But I feel peace and contentment every now and again, and that is something I haven't felt in a long time, something I am always lacking when I am in a relationship. Which tells me that so far, none of my relationships were meant to work out for eternity. That's comforting. :)

Having to wait at least another 10 days kind of takes off the stress of it. If I'm not getting it this week, it almost makes it seem like I can be more patient than if it was coming this Wednesday. It will also give me the opportunity to go to the temple a few more times and maybe feel a little more at peace with who I am right now.

Today my choir (as in I'm the director) sang in church. They did a great job. I am slowly getting more and more comfortable directing the choir. It's only been about 10 months, no big deal ;) I also gave a lesson in Relief Society. I am definitely not a teacher because I'm good at it. That is for certain. I really struggle teaching for 40 minutes. I don't really know how to prepare lessons. I guess I'll learn that pretty fast on my mission, eh?

Today I wore an outfit I've never worn before. I can't decide how I feel about it. What do you think?

I've never been a huge fan of gold, but I'm getting more okay with it. The shirt and the belt are mom's and the necklace is Kathy's. And the skirt and shoes are mine.

I have 3 classes tomorrow and then that's it for the rest of the week. I'll probably work 7 hrs tomorrow, 8 hrs Tuesday, and 5 hrs Wednesday. Ha. If I can stand that much work in three days. My job is such a blessing. I get paid way more than I deserve, they're super flexible with my school schedule, and I work in an amazing environment, right on campus, with awesome people. But does it have to be so dang monotonous?! I was not meant to sit at a computer for 8 hrs straight. Not my cup of tea. But hey, it pays for my tuition, right? :)

Tonight we sang the Omar song "He is Born." I love singing with my family. It is one of the best things ever. I remember being home one evening and for some reason all of my brothers were there, one sister, and then me and my Dad. We were singing and I suddenly had the most secure, warm, content feeling wash over me. I felt so safe with so many worthy priesthood holders. It was awesome. Sadly Dad, Milla, and Anna didn't sing with us tonight. But I'm sure we'll sing it all together pretty soon :) Look on fb for a few of the priceless faces people make when they sing...

I hope you all had a wonderful Sunday. It's been a good one for me. I've learned a lot and been inspired. And happy Thanksgiving week :)

90 hours... And I forgot how to act on a date.

If my mission call comes this Wednesday, I only have to wait 90 more hours to find out where I'm spending the next 18 months of my life. Wahoo!

Tonight I went on my first date since breaking up. It was a little weird, I'm not gonna lie. Especially since we talked about my mission the whole time. Which leads me to a confession: I kind of forgot how to act on a first (well this is actually our second) date. Funny side note-he was my first date ever, just a little after I turned 16, right after he turned 16. So it was both of our first dates. And now we went on a date after he got back from his mish. How cute. Anyways, as I was saying...

I've been so used to talking to anyone and everyone about my relationships because when you're dating someone and your guy friends know that, it's not weird to talk to them about it and ask for their advice and opinions, and I always talk to my girl friends about it, and my family, and basically everyone...so I accidentally mentioned a previous relationship twice while on this date. How tacky and clueless, and naive can I get? Way to go, Bekah! Oh well. Oh. And one of them was that I was engaged. And he was like "you were engaged?!" and I was like "Idiot! Why did you just say that?!" and out loud I was like, "um yeah." Haha, not awkward at all. Oh well. Whatevs. I'll learn eventually. Thank goodness I have 18 months to forget about dating.

Except, speaking about forgetting about dating, I'm kind of worried that I won't. Tonight as I talked so much about my mission I began to get worried that I would be emotionally able to handle it. I would miss my family, school, dating, work, friends too much. It got me really worried. I was trying to hide this fear in my conversation and I think I did fine, but it made me concerned. But as I have been thinking about it, fears are never from God. God doesn't work by giving us fear, or guilt. He gives us comfort, peace, and, when need be, he gives us uneasiness. But fear is not from God. I need to realize that He is there to help me at all times, no matter how many times I mess up.

Tonight for our date we went to the Vocal Point concert. It was amazing. But I was struck by the song "Come Thou Fount." I love this song, I have listened to it so many times, but tonight, with the context they gave it, it struck me in a different way. How often am I prone to wander? Everyday? Every hour? More than once per hour? It's really often. I am prone to wander. But Christ understands that. Our loving Heavenly Father understands that. And They continue to forgive and to love.

Oh to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be! 

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. 

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it! Prone to leave the God I love. 

Here's my heart Oh! take and seal it

Seal it for They courts above! 

Jesus sought me, when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God. 

He to rescue me from danger interposed His precious blood.

What I beautiful reminder.

6 days!!

Maybe....


If everything goes smoothly, I'll get my mission call in 6 days! Well, 5 and 1/2 probably. When I was thinking about when I would open it, I had my school schedule in mind, thinking I had class until 7. However. it's Thanksgiving break so I don't have class on Wednesday. I think I'll probably open it around 5:30 when Dad and I get home from work. I'm so excited!

I've been hearing of so many girls getting their calls. In this past week of call openings I have heard of Brazil (my cousin Lynette), West Indies (the other girl in my nursing semester going on a mission), the Philippines (a girl in my dance class), and two going to Sweden (just two random girls that I was talking to). I haven't heard of any girls getting called state side. A few weeks ago I would have said that I didn't have a preference between going foreign or going state side. As of now I don't have a strong preference, but I kind of want to go foreign. But I really do have a testimony that wherever I am called is where the Lord wants me to go. I just hope that I won't have any feelings of disappointment, no matter where I get called.

I still feel very unprepared. And sadly I haven't done much to fix that. I need to stop being lazy and start working hard to get ready.

Yesterday, while up in my room, I suddenly heard gasps and squeals of excitement. I ran downstairs to see a new puppy Dad had brought home. We finally have another dog :) He is a 3 month old Australian Shepherd. Dad named him Rusty :)




Last night, while shopping with Kathy, I got asked out on my first date since I broke up with Taylor. I probably would have said no, because I still don't really have any desire to date at all but I said yes because it is one of my friends from before high school who I know really well and who knows that I am getting my mission call this next week. And we're going to a vocal point concert :) It will be fun. However, I still feel loyal to Taylor. I would be so sad if he saw me on a date with someone else, just because he doesn't know the circumstances. I just hate the thought of him thinking that I've just jumped right back into dating like nothing even happened. But I know that it will be good for me to go on dates. I need to move on and stop focusing on the past.


You know when a little kid is throwing a tantrum or just crying inconsolably and then something suddenly surprises them and they stop crying, still kind of taking little gasping breaths while just sitting there stunned, not knowing what to think? Well I felt like that the other day. On Wednesday night I was having a rough night. I was missing Taylor so much. I went to the store with my Mom and on the way I was just crying to her and not feeling very excited about anything. We went in the grocery store, got what we needed, and then walked over to the register. And low and behold, there was Matt. I was such a shock. I haven't seen him in almost a year. We said hello and talked for a bit, but it was so very strange. I didn't even know what to feel. This was when I felt like that little kid. I think it was providential. For some strange reason I suddenly got rid of my really depressed mood and felt excited about a mission. My mind didn't know what emotion to feel so I reverted back to an excited one (later that night, after I stopped being in shock).


All in all, it was quite the eventful week. Oh, and guess what? I only have one more day of psych clinical on the unit. Wahoooo!!!

Waiting and Clinical days

I have been so impatient these last few days. I just want my call already! It's Wednesday, which hopefully gives me just one more week to wait. I want to spend lots of that super busy so time goes by faster. (Or sleeping. Time goes by pretty fast when I do that, too). I dreamed that I got called to Bangkok. It was a pretty vivid dream. But I've also had a super vivid dream about 5 months ago that I was called to Ukraine. So we'll see.

Today I have been missing Taylor so dang much! I don't know what it is. I think it has to do with the emotional stress of clinical and just wanting someone to listen to me and hug me and tell me I'm wonderful. I'm ridiculous. Hard days make me miss him more. Which then makes it even a harder day. Mostly I think it's because I just don't have much time to talk to people besides psych patients all day and I just want someone to tell my thoughts to. Thank goodness for memory and knowing that it was the right thing to do. This is a pretty normal part of my breaking up process. I'll get over it soon.

Every time I leave my psych clinical I feel so odd. When I leave and come back to BYU I forget that all the people walking around me are not psych patients and are mostly likely healthy, normal, fun, safe college students. They don't need to be talked to in a simple way, I don't need to try to ensure that my conversation is therapeutic, and I don't need to be worried! Oh goodness. What has nursing done to me? I think it is also related to the fact that I hear so many awful, tragic, often gruesome life stories of the patients I'm working with. It's really sad. I wish there was an answer to this! Why is this world so very wicked?

This last little while I've really realized the importance of taking care of your emotional, mental, and physical health. (probably due to my psychiatric nursing class). Time to relax, to de stress, to just ponder and think and become peaceful is so very important for everyone. I want to explore things that are simple that I can do right now so that I can continue doing them when I become a mom and have so much more stress than I have right now. Have you guys found anything helpful to de stress that doesn't take special equipment or tons of time?

They're In!

Yesterday my papers were officially submitted. I'm pretty excited :) Now begins the waiting game and trying to forget about it for two weeks. I'm super busy this week so I think it will go quickly.

I have had so many thoughts over the weekend. Lots of them about my mission, lots of them about my preparedness, lots of them about Taylor and relationships.

I competed in dancesport on Friday. It was super fun. We made it to 5 rounds or semi-finals but we didn't make it to finals. It was much farther than anticipated so we were pretty happy :)

I think I've decided that you can have withdrawals from the physical aspect of a relationship as well as the emotional. I've really been missing cuddling. I am going to be so much more careful in any future relationships to keep that aspect of the relationship reeeeeeeaaaaly slow. It will save a lot of grief if we end up breaking up. That's all.

I've been getting so excited for my mission! It was definitely a miracle that I was able to meet with Pres. Roberts yesterday. It was crazy trying to figure it out (I was texting people all during church and I never do that!) and my papers came through just in time.

I can't really imagine myself as a missionary. It doesn't really seem real yet. But I think it won't feel real until I'm out there. Or until I come back, like one of my RM friends told me yesterday :) I am starting to get nervous that I'm not ready, or that I won't be the type of missionary that I need to be, but I'm trying to ignore those thoughts. I don't think they're from Heavenly Father. I just need to do my best, be obedient, and "forget myself and go to work".

So. Now comes the guessing part of where I'm going to go. Here is a list of all the missions. I'm not sure which ones are open to sisters, but it gives you a general idea. Leave a comment here or on facebook if you want to guess :)