Progress

I was cleaning out my room today, throwing away junk, going through old textbooks, getting rid of unnecessary things, etc., and I came across a receipt. It was a receipt from xpdex. It was one of the receipts from my wedding announcements. I looked at it, realized what it was, sighed just a small sigh, and threw it directly into the garbage.

I was really proud of myself. Usually I stop and remember everything associated with that, get super sad, and have a pity party for myself, but today I didn't! See, I'm doing better.

And that (not the receipt) made me happy :)

Life is Beautiful

Today I have been so happy! I finally feel mostly like my old self :) I definitely don't think things are going to be easy from here on out, but I hope that more and more they will be like today.

I don't know what's different about today. Perhaps that fact that I finally was able to get up when my alarm clock rang so I felt so much better about the start of my day, perhaps the fact that I read my scriptures right when I got up (just pretend that I didn't fall right back asleep for another 30 min after I was done...), perhaps the fact that I was able to see two of my very favorite people today, perhaps that fact that it was a busy day and I didn't really have time to think about being sad, and perhaps a bunch of other things. But (and this one is not a perhaps) I know I was very blessed today. I have realized a lot of weaknesses I have, but I know that I don't have to be perfect right now. In fact, I don't have to be perfect ever while on this earth, I just have to keep trying.

I am so grateful for people who inspire me. People like my mother, Laura Andersen, Jenet and Liz Jacob, Tana and Rob, Jen and Quince, and many, many more. People like that who show me (without even realizing it) that I can do it, that I can be happy, and that life really can be beautiful :)

The Secret to Happiness

Yesterday/today I found the secret to happiness. And it is so simple that it makes me wonder what took me so long to figure it out. The secret to happiness=deciding to be happy! Can you believe that it has taken me this long to realize it? Yesterday, while fasting, I realized that however hard I prayed, however hard I fasted, however much I pleaded I couldn't be happy if I wasn't willing to give up my self-pitying attitude. Yes, I know, it is so obvious! But I finally realized that I have the power to overcome my temptations, my struggles, my heartache--because my Savior, Jesus Christ, has agreed to be on my team, to lift my burden, if I am really willing to give it to Him.

You would wonder why I would ever want to keep being sad--I didn't think I did either. But I realized how much easier it is to stay sad, to be sorry for myself, to wallow in my own self-pity, than it is to get out of that rut and be happy. Yes, I miss Matt. And yes I have struggles, but that just means that I have more opportunity to trust my Heavenly Father. He knows best! And I can be happy having faith in Him. I still have heartache (the evenings are definitely the hardest--especially when I have Oh! so much I want to tell him and when I want so badly to make him happy!) But this too shall pass.

I have looked back on almost every other stage in my life thinking, "that was so much better, I was so much happier." Well today I realized, while longing for those "care-free" freshman days, that my life is pretty much back to how it was before + loneliness/heartache/more blessings/more experience. And I can be happy!

I definitely can't do it on my own. I realized that today as well. I need my Saviors help more than ever. But if I live my life in a way to have the Spirit with me, I can be happy! And I am fighting for that, believe me! I want it enough to make myself give up feeling sorry for myself :) I love the scripture, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened" (Matthew 7:7-8).

So today I made a list of the things that will help me be happy:

Sincerely count my blessings--every time I start to complain

Look for opportunities to serve

Stop bemoaning my lot--honestly get rid of those thoughts

Inhibit negative thoughts

Get enough sleep :)

Study hard and don't waste time! 

Memorize scripture

Read conference

Those are my goals for the next rest of my life :)

Okay, now to studying hard...

Blogging

Why in the world do I love blogging so much? I'm not sure. I'm no good at it, but I still love it anyway. I write in my journal a lot, but since I've started blogging more I don't write nearly as much. Typing is a lot easier than writing. And a lot faster. And neater. And I guess I just like knowing that perhaps someone will read about how I feel and care ;)

I've realized that almost all my posts go something like this:

Horrible day--I miss Matt so much--I'm dying--life is so hard.
But it's OK because I have the gospel and I can get over this someday.
I should be more grateful for the things I have been blessed with.
I'll do better.

And that is all true. But I'm sure that gets boring to read. So I was going to make a goal to stop posting posts like that. But then I realized that it didn't really matter if they were boring, because expressing how I really feel and then being able to write about my testimony is kind of my way of coping with hard days. And so I'm going to keep writing those posts that are ridiculously repetitive and dramatic and quite boring because I need to. I need to keep reminding myself that I will eventually get over this. I will eventually get stronger. I will eventually stop crying almost every day about what has happened and how lonely I still am. I will stop feeling like someone punched me in the stomach every time someone mentions Matt or my wedding when I'm not expecting it. I will grow closer to my Heavenly Father, even when it seems like He has never been so far away. I will eventually feel that peace that I am longing to feel. I will eventually stop feeling jealous when I read about how happy other people are. I really will.

Okay, the end.

Life is REAL!

"Tell me not in mournful numbers, Life is but an empty dream!

For the soul is dead that slumbers, And things are not what they seem. 

Life is real! Life is earnest! And the grave is not its goal;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest, Was not spoken of the soul..."

 Sometimes life seems like a dream to me. It is such a weird feeling! Today is one of those days. Things don't seem real today. Did I really almost get married? Did I really call of my wedding? Did I really live through such dreadful pain? Am I really studying at BYU in the nursing program? I don't know what triggers this feeling but it happens quite often. When I was in high school I often imagined my life like a movie. It was almost like I lived my life as if it was a movie. Thinking that way made me want to be happier, treat others better, and be the best person I could be. But it also made for some weird perspectives and weird thoughts. I would see my life--the daily things that were quite mundane (homework, driving, studying, etc.) flash by and then the movie would focus in on me learning something, having an important conversation, or doing something that showed how I was progressing. Maybe that's the way I dealt with things that were stressful? I don't really know.

Today it seems like everything I do is so fake. What really matters in life? Do social events/interactions really mean as much as we make them? I, at least, judge much of my success on how other people view me, how a party turned out, how well a conversation went, etc. But that seems so superficial, so fake! Even my relationships seem so surreal, like they don't matter much either. It almost seems like I've been given a reality check--but the other way around. I need to feel like this sometimes so I remember that what is important is what I make of myself, my character, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Other life events don't mean much if we are missing that.

"Not enjoyment and not sorrow Is our destined end or way;

But to act, that each tomorrow Find us farther than today...

Lives of great men all remind us We can make our lives sublime, 

And, departing, leave behind us Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another, Sailing o'er life's solemn main, 

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother, Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us. then, be up and doing, With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing, Learn to labor and to wait." 

The Psalm of Life

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Music--I am so grateful for it!

This has been another hard week. Emotionally and academically. And there is way more to come, so why am I blogging? I don't really want to study, that's why. But I'll get back to it as soon as I am done.

I have always loved music. Growing up I realized the powerful effect music had on me. It helped me in feeling and expressing emotion, it helped me cope with stressful things in my life, it helped me control my temper when I really wanted to be bratty, and it has helped me feel the Spirit more than almost anything else. It was always a comfort when I was upset or frustrated. It helped me feel better. Like one of my favorite songs says, "However I feel I Just Sing."
 
However, for the first few weeks after that dreadful Friday,  my desire to sing was completely gone. Music held no comfort for me. I couldn't sing, I couldn't play the piano or violin, and I did not want to listen to music. It was the first time that had ever happened to me. It was so hard, but I just couldn't bring myself to sing. Perhaps it was because of how much I knew Matt loved when I would sing and play, or how much he appreciated my music. Perhaps it was because I was angry for a while and I could not understand why this had happened to me. Whatever it was, it resulted in very minimal exposure to music for a long time.

Thankfully, my love for music has returned and through it I have found, again, how much it helps me express my emotions. It may not necessarily help me feel peace, but it has helped me let my emotion out--those emotions that I could not, no matter how I tried, express.

Here are some of the songs I am grateful for:

• You Raise Me Up
• When You Believe
• How Firm a Foundation 
• The Lord is My Light (I didn't find a good link in the few seconds I searched...)
• Lead Kindly Light (I also really like this version)

Something I have realized these past two days is how much I love happy endings. I love stories that, no matter what happens in between, the hero and heroine always end up getting married and living happily ever after. No matter what happens in between. That has made it so hard for me to accept that fact that things will probably never work out with this relationship. For reasons I don't understand, Heavenly Father has another plan for me. And it is so, so  hard for me to imagine that there could be any happy ending other than the one I want so badly right now. But I know that there will be. And until then, I know that I can "never, no never, no never forsake!" I don't really know what to do with my life right now in terms of relationships, school, a mission, studies abroad, etc., but I do know what I need to do until then. Basic gospel principles always apply, in ever single situation.

And now, back to studying.

Lessons Learned

Like I said in the last post, I so quickly forget. I believe that is why I have, for the past several years, been very diligent in my journal writing. I need to re read my journal often to remember the experiences and feelings I have.

I have been thinking a lot about these last 2 weeks-so much so that my dreams have been ridiculously bothersome, enough so that sleep isn't even a respite anymore.One of the thoughts I have had again and again is how this experience must be teaching me lessons that I need to learn in order to face and overcome future challenges in my life. However, I have to admit that after that thought my brain always fires back that maybe I don't want those other challenges, reasoning that if I don't learn the lessons that will help me later on, maybe I won't be expected to face those future challenges. Well, that probably sounds ridiculous, but it has been something that I have thought of a lot. However, this morning, as I was reading this talk by Elder Maxwell (a talk that Matt shared first on his blog-see what I mean about being a copy cat?), I realized that that thought stemmed completely from selfishness. I have been so focused on trying to find what will bring me the most happiness, that I have forgotten that I am here to serve my Savior. Yes, to gain my body and to pass my test, but also to serve others, to be a tool in the hand of the Lord. In order to do that, I do need to learn lessons to become who He wants me to be, to learn the things that will enable me to, like President Monson has so often talked about, be on the Lord's errand.

Elder Maxwell stated in his talk that "Patience is thus closely connected with two other central attributes of Christianity--love and humility" (Patience, Elder Neal A. Maxwell). I feel like I have been so impatient and so proud in my frustration with what has happened. I have not been humble or patient enough to "submit to the Lord and to what the scriptures call the 'process of time.'"

There is definitely an aspect of wanting to do what will bring us the most happiness-something that very often motivates my actions. There is, however, a much greater motive, something I am trying to develop. A motivation to act in accordance to God's will because we love Him, and we are humble enough to accept the fact that He knows best, that He knows perfectly what will mold and shape us to be the people He wants us to become.