Why do I do it?

Sometimes I torture myself. What purpose does this serve, you might ask? I'm not sure, but it may have to do with the fact that I hate more than anything to feel apathy. Hence, I would rather feel piercing sorrow or longing than to feel nothing. And because of that, I do things like this:

• Sing songs that I used to sing to Matt--songs that he loved so much--and feel the loneliness hit so hard!
• Imagine all of the wonderful things that I would have if I were married (someone who would be waiting up for me when I got home from campus at midnight after a 16 hr day, someone to cuddle with, someone who would give me the most wonderful massages in the world! Someone who would selflessly listen to all my complaints when I was so discouraged, buy me my favorite food when I was too tired to make something or was too sick to want anything else, who would encourage me when I was so upset with myself, and who loved me no matter what I did).
• Think about all the pain I would have escaped if I had been given that blessing to be married right now. 
• Read memories that bring me so much pain and start the flood of tears. 
• Read Matt's blog posts and remember all the ways I was so undeserving of his love and how he gave it so completely and so selflessly to me anyway. 

Ok, that's all I've done tonight and that's all I want to write right about now. I need to finish my paper. But hey! If I'm staying up until the wee hours of the morning doing homework anyway, why not waste a little time to have a pity party on my blog?!  I've been doing it all day anyway. So there ya go. I set a new record for the semester today: 16 hrs on BYU campus. I love nursing school.

Life will get better! I will survive this. I know it will not kill me. I know I will not feel apathy forever. Okay, back to writing about autism and vaccinations...

Blogging

Why in the world do I love blogging so much? I'm not sure. I'm no good at it, but I still love it anyway. I write in my journal a lot, but since I've started blogging more I don't write nearly as much. Typing is a lot easier than writing. And a lot faster. And neater. And I guess I just like knowing that perhaps someone will read about how I feel and care ;)

I've realized that almost all my posts go something like this:

Horrible day--I miss Matt so much--I'm dying--life is so hard.
But it's OK because I have the gospel and I can get over this someday.
I should be more grateful for the things I have been blessed with.
I'll do better.

And that is all true. But I'm sure that gets boring to read. So I was going to make a goal to stop posting posts like that. But then I realized that it didn't really matter if they were boring, because expressing how I really feel and then being able to write about my testimony is kind of my way of coping with hard days. And so I'm going to keep writing those posts that are ridiculously repetitive and dramatic and quite boring because I need to. I need to keep reminding myself that I will eventually get over this. I will eventually get stronger. I will eventually stop crying almost every day about what has happened and how lonely I still am. I will stop feeling like someone punched me in the stomach every time someone mentions Matt or my wedding when I'm not expecting it. I will grow closer to my Heavenly Father, even when it seems like He has never been so far away. I will eventually feel that peace that I am longing to feel. I will eventually stop feeling jealous when I read about how happy other people are. I really will.

Okay, the end.

Suffocating

Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. Like today. Like most of the past two months. Why is it so hard?! Why can't I feel peace and have more faith that everything will work out? Why, when I just had to make the hardest decision of my life and cause myself the most pain I've ever experienced, am I all the sudden struggling with everything else in my life? Can't they come one at a time? Oh well. I guess not. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not worthy of help right now? I'm trying my hardest, so I have to believe that that isn't the reason. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I can make it, but this scripture contradicts that fact and has meant a lot to me this past while:

 "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: 

but God is faithful, who will not suffer you 

to be tempted above that ye are able; 

but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, 

that ye may be able to bear it" (1 Cor 10: 13).

There is a way for me to escape. Who knows? It may take months, or years, or perhaps some of these things I'll have to struggle with my whole life (Oh, I hope not!) but however long it takes, I know that God is faithful, and he will help me overcome these struggles. Someday it won't be so hard to smile and be happy. I just have to keep breathing.


Edit to this most depressing post:


I just went to the Devotional. It was perfect. Exactly what I needed. And she quoted a verse that I have known for a long time, but it gave me a lot of perspective:


"If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea...And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"

My life is so wonderful and nothing I have experienced has been more than I can bear. The heavens have not gathered blackness against me, life is good. I have been so ungrateful and have just wanted everything to be perfect. But it's okay that it's not. It will be for my good. I just need to keep on breathing :) 

"My heart hurts!"

When our lives were not so busy and we had more time to play, my siblings and I would jump on the tramp a lot. We would play all sorts of games from "Dead Man, Dead Man, Come Alive" to "Popcorn" to "Add On." One of the games we played was called "Crack the Egg" where the person in the middle would curl up in a ball and hold onto their legs (or sometimes toes) and see how high they could be bounced before letting go. Well, this was fun (and usually slightly dangerous) but we decided to change the game a little. Instead of trying not to "crack" it became a contest of who could be bounced the highest (even to the highest finger :). One of my sisters, when we would bounce her really high, would yell, "Stop! My heart hurts!" Now, I don't know exactly what physiologically was hurting, but right about now I know how that feels emotionally. And often, as I'm walking in a crowd across campus, or reading a book, or just sitting and thinking I often want to yell out "My heart hurts! Don't you understand? Can't you see?"

Well, obviously I don't yell this out as that would create quite the embarrassing situation and it wouldn't help anything anyway. But lately I have felt that so much. My heart does hurt-it aches and aches and I have a hard time believing it can ever heal.

All growing up, when I would think of something that scares me the most, my worst fear, I would say it was getting divorced. I couldn't imagine having your marriage--something you had worked so hard on, the covenant you made with that person you loved so much and shared your whole life with--being broken up. I would always say that I would much rather never be married than get married and then get divorced.

Well, that is still probably my biggest fear, but right now the thought of never being married is just barely second. I feel so broken. I feel that something is wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it. I'm so scared of the future, of life without that beautiful blessing. I know, I know, I'm only 20, and this situation has happened to hundreds, possibly thousands, of people who have survived and gone on to have happy, wonderful, celestial marriages. But that thought doesn't comfort me very much when it seems that my faults are screaming at me all the time--when my weaknesses and flaws seem so big.

But as I have thought of that, as these worries have plagued me for so long, I have realized that there is One who can heal me. Through the sacrifice He made for me! I have learned so much about the Atonement of Jesus Christ through this experience. I have always been taught that His Atonement can compensate for anything, that it can heal any wound, and that it can atone for any sin. But now it has become so much more real to me. He is the only one who can help me overcome my weaknesses. He is the only one who can calm my fears. He is the only one who can heal my aching heart and make me whole again. I am so extremely grateful for this knowledge-it has changed my life and has given me the strength to move forward--NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! I want to love Him with all of my heart, to worship Him, and to come to know Him as my closest friend more than I ever have before. 

Once...

When I was younger-probably thirteen or fourteen-I heard a song on the radio. I still remember it very clearly. I was out in the barn feeding the horses when it came on. I don't remember any of the song except the chorus. When I heard it I almost cried. It was the saddest thing I had heard in a long long time. I hated sad songs, sad movies, sad books, and especially sad real-life stories, so I really disliked this song at first. But I always remembered it and as it would get stuck in my head a lot, I sang it often. But I only knew these lines:

"As long as the stars shine down from the heavens, 

as long as the rivers run to the sea

I'll never get over you getting over me."

That was it, that's all I remembered. Right about now those lines seem very applicable. I looked up the rest of the song (it's by Expose), and it doesn't apply at all, as there was never any fault or blame on him. He always treated me perfectly and loved me so well. If anyone was wrong it would be me. But that doesn't make it any easier imagining him moving on. I really want that for him, I really do. But my heart hasn't accepted that yet. At all. I've been praying for that strength for a while now. It will come, I have to believe that. But I think it might take a long, long time.

Laughter is (one of) the best medicine(s)!

Today my heart has felt so, so heavy. A clean break sounds less painful, but when it becomes reality, I think prolonging it is definitely easier, at least in the moment.

I have felt that this is what is right. I definitely saw the hand of the Lord in my life yesterday even though I didn't realize it until today. It was such a blessing to be reminded that He is so aware of me. It has given me more faith in my ability to feel and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost even though I still have such a long way to go!

That doesn't make things less painful, however, and it has been so hard to move forward with faith. It has been especially hard not to blame myself and my shortcomings for what has happened. It seems that if I had just tried harder, if I had been more selfless, things would have worked out. But I have realized that no matter what mistakes I made, the Atonement can heal them, can fix them, completely.

Something inside of me felt like it withered away and almost died. I thought of a quote from Anne of Green Gables: "You amuse me, and precious little does these days." I've felt like that these last few weeks. Not about being amused, but being happy, excited, or even just not sad. But that withered piece of me is not completely dead. It can heal. And the thing that has helped me the very most is playing with my amazing, wonderful, completely hilarious niece and nephews. I love them! And now to the point of my title-they make me laugh SO hard! :) I went swimming with some of them today. It was so so good.

Some of the things that made me laugh:
After putting on his own life jacket, Joseph asked his Dad if he needed one as well to go down the slide. His Dad said he didn't because he was tall enough, so he would help Joseph go down. Joseph responded, "It's a good thing there's not a problem between me and you." What?! Where did that come from? I was laughing so hard!

The day before I was tending them and just after everyone left I went out to ask Joseph if he wanted to come inside. He said he wanted to stay out if someone could stay with him. I explained that I needed to be in there to listen for the baby, after which he asked, "Did everyone else go outside? I responded "no, Grandma and the girls left." He then looked at me with his teasing look and said, "Oh, are you a boy?" :)

So, laugh. It's great. It heals what hurts better than anything but prayer and scripture study. It definitely is good medicine.

Random (probably) Rubbish

Once upon a time I had a dream-I dreamed about my future life. It was such a good motivator for me in everything I did. It was something I looked forward to so so much! Now I feel like that dream has been shattered and it is going to take a long, long time to ever recreate the excitement. It almost seems like it's gone forever, that what I was looking for doesn't even exist. But I am trying hard to fight that feeling. I need so much to have the faith that things will work out for my happiness.

I found a song (well, I knew and loved it long before this) that I feel describes my prevailing feeling lately. This song describes how I feel most of the time. Listening to it makes me sad, but in a way it gives me a little comfort.

Another song, which seemed to fit perfectly from the very beginning, has thankfully not been the perfect fit for my emotions all the time. This one is how I feel only a few times a day.

However, I am trying to change those feelings. I know that there is a place for sorrow, but there is also a need for healing. Life is beautiful if I let it be. I have found a lot of comfort in this song, and I am trying to feel this more often. I am trying to have the faith to move on, to accept the plan Heavenly Father has for me, and to really and truly trust that He knows the very best what will help me be infinitely happy.

Lessons Learned

Like I said in the last post, I so quickly forget. I believe that is why I have, for the past several years, been very diligent in my journal writing. I need to re read my journal often to remember the experiences and feelings I have.

I have been thinking a lot about these last 2 weeks-so much so that my dreams have been ridiculously bothersome, enough so that sleep isn't even a respite anymore.One of the thoughts I have had again and again is how this experience must be teaching me lessons that I need to learn in order to face and overcome future challenges in my life. However, I have to admit that after that thought my brain always fires back that maybe I don't want those other challenges, reasoning that if I don't learn the lessons that will help me later on, maybe I won't be expected to face those future challenges. Well, that probably sounds ridiculous, but it has been something that I have thought of a lot. However, this morning, as I was reading this talk by Elder Maxwell (a talk that Matt shared first on his blog-see what I mean about being a copy cat?), I realized that that thought stemmed completely from selfishness. I have been so focused on trying to find what will bring me the most happiness, that I have forgotten that I am here to serve my Savior. Yes, to gain my body and to pass my test, but also to serve others, to be a tool in the hand of the Lord. In order to do that, I do need to learn lessons to become who He wants me to be, to learn the things that will enable me to, like President Monson has so often talked about, be on the Lord's errand.

Elder Maxwell stated in his talk that "Patience is thus closely connected with two other central attributes of Christianity--love and humility" (Patience, Elder Neal A. Maxwell). I feel like I have been so impatient and so proud in my frustration with what has happened. I have not been humble or patient enough to "submit to the Lord and to what the scriptures call the 'process of time.'"

There is definitely an aspect of wanting to do what will bring us the most happiness-something that very often motivates my actions. There is, however, a much greater motive, something I am trying to develop. A motivation to act in accordance to God's will because we love Him, and we are humble enough to accept the fact that He knows best, that He knows perfectly what will mold and shape us to be the people He wants us to become.

Lonely

Well, it is the end of the summer and this is my first blog post. I was engaged to be married this Thursday-August 18. My summer was busy with work, going to school full-time, reunions, apartment searching, and wedding plans. But, for reasons I still do not understand, two weeks before my wedding, I could not get a feeling of peace about our upcoming marriage. I prayed, I fasted, I went to the Temple, and I sought advice from my parents and siblings. But this feeling of uneasiness would not go away. So I called off our wedding. Matt has been so supportive and wonderful to me through this whole experience-helping me see even more what a wonderful and Christ-like man he is.

Moving on with your life after being engaged for 2 1/2 months is extremely painful. Our future together no longer exists, and all our plans and dreams for the rest of our lives need to be re-created. Over the past week and a half I have come to understand a phrase used in many songs-"surrounded by a million people I still feel alone." I always wondered how that could happen. I still don't know how, but I definitely can attest to the truth of that statement. 

However, I have learned so so many lessons from this experience, that, no matter what Heavenly Father has in store for me, will help me through difficult situations. I have learned so much about my weaknesses and how inadequate my reasoning is. I have realized how easy it is for me to forget, events, conversations, but especially emotions. I have realized how much I need my Father in Heaven to be able to accomplish anything in life. Without the knowledge of His love, I believe I would have given up on life quite a while ago. I have learned that while advice and experience from others helps, I alone am accountable for my decisions. I have learned that sometimes our greatest fears are the things God will let us experience in order to help us grow. I have learned so much about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and have gained such a deeper love and appreciation for what He suffered for me! I have realized in a very painful way how weak is my understanding and how stubborn and slow I am in accepting something that does not make sense to my mortal mind.

I have such a long way to go, and I still don't think I would be honest if I said that I would go through this experience again to learn the lessons I'm learning. I hope that in a while I will be able to say that truthfully. But, as I am experiencing it now, and I hope it is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, I want to learn as much as I can from it.

Matt has shared with me scriptures and talks that have been so helpful to me in accepting God's will for me. This talk, especially, by Pres. Holland has been such a blessing to me.

I  know, without a doubt, that my Savior lives and that He loves me. I know that he knows me perfectly! And because of that perfect knowledge, He knows which trials will help me the very most in becoming the woman He knows I can become. This knowledge has saved me and helped me so much as I am trying to move forward with my life.