Lonely

Well, it is the end of the summer and this is my first blog post. I was engaged to be married this Thursday-August 18. My summer was busy with work, going to school full-time, reunions, apartment searching, and wedding plans. But, for reasons I still do not understand, two weeks before my wedding, I could not get a feeling of peace about our upcoming marriage. I prayed, I fasted, I went to the Temple, and I sought advice from my parents and siblings. But this feeling of uneasiness would not go away. So I called off our wedding. Matt has been so supportive and wonderful to me through this whole experience-helping me see even more what a wonderful and Christ-like man he is.

Moving on with your life after being engaged for 2 1/2 months is extremely painful. Our future together no longer exists, and all our plans and dreams for the rest of our lives need to be re-created. Over the past week and a half I have come to understand a phrase used in many songs-"surrounded by a million people I still feel alone." I always wondered how that could happen. I still don't know how, but I definitely can attest to the truth of that statement. 

However, I have learned so so many lessons from this experience, that, no matter what Heavenly Father has in store for me, will help me through difficult situations. I have learned so much about my weaknesses and how inadequate my reasoning is. I have realized how easy it is for me to forget, events, conversations, but especially emotions. I have realized how much I need my Father in Heaven to be able to accomplish anything in life. Without the knowledge of His love, I believe I would have given up on life quite a while ago. I have learned that while advice and experience from others helps, I alone am accountable for my decisions. I have learned that sometimes our greatest fears are the things God will let us experience in order to help us grow. I have learned so much about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and have gained such a deeper love and appreciation for what He suffered for me! I have realized in a very painful way how weak is my understanding and how stubborn and slow I am in accepting something that does not make sense to my mortal mind.

I have such a long way to go, and I still don't think I would be honest if I said that I would go through this experience again to learn the lessons I'm learning. I hope that in a while I will be able to say that truthfully. But, as I am experiencing it now, and I hope it is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, I want to learn as much as I can from it.

Matt has shared with me scriptures and talks that have been so helpful to me in accepting God's will for me. This talk, especially, by Pres. Holland has been such a blessing to me.

I  know, without a doubt, that my Savior lives and that He loves me. I know that he knows me perfectly! And because of that perfect knowledge, He knows which trials will help me the very most in becoming the woman He knows I can become. This knowledge has saved me and helped me so much as I am trying to move forward with my life.