"My heart hurts!"

When our lives were not so busy and we had more time to play, my siblings and I would jump on the tramp a lot. We would play all sorts of games from "Dead Man, Dead Man, Come Alive" to "Popcorn" to "Add On." One of the games we played was called "Crack the Egg" where the person in the middle would curl up in a ball and hold onto their legs (or sometimes toes) and see how high they could be bounced before letting go. Well, this was fun (and usually slightly dangerous) but we decided to change the game a little. Instead of trying not to "crack" it became a contest of who could be bounced the highest (even to the highest finger :). One of my sisters, when we would bounce her really high, would yell, "Stop! My heart hurts!" Now, I don't know exactly what physiologically was hurting, but right about now I know how that feels emotionally. And often, as I'm walking in a crowd across campus, or reading a book, or just sitting and thinking I often want to yell out "My heart hurts! Don't you understand? Can't you see?"

Well, obviously I don't yell this out as that would create quite the embarrassing situation and it wouldn't help anything anyway. But lately I have felt that so much. My heart does hurt-it aches and aches and I have a hard time believing it can ever heal.

All growing up, when I would think of something that scares me the most, my worst fear, I would say it was getting divorced. I couldn't imagine having your marriage--something you had worked so hard on, the covenant you made with that person you loved so much and shared your whole life with--being broken up. I would always say that I would much rather never be married than get married and then get divorced.

Well, that is still probably my biggest fear, but right now the thought of never being married is just barely second. I feel so broken. I feel that something is wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it. I'm so scared of the future, of life without that beautiful blessing. I know, I know, I'm only 20, and this situation has happened to hundreds, possibly thousands, of people who have survived and gone on to have happy, wonderful, celestial marriages. But that thought doesn't comfort me very much when it seems that my faults are screaming at me all the time--when my weaknesses and flaws seem so big.

But as I have thought of that, as these worries have plagued me for so long, I have realized that there is One who can heal me. Through the sacrifice He made for me! I have learned so much about the Atonement of Jesus Christ through this experience. I have always been taught that His Atonement can compensate for anything, that it can heal any wound, and that it can atone for any sin. But now it has become so much more real to me. He is the only one who can help me overcome my weaknesses. He is the only one who can calm my fears. He is the only one who can heal my aching heart and make me whole again. I am so extremely grateful for this knowledge-it has changed my life and has given me the strength to move forward--NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! I want to love Him with all of my heart, to worship Him, and to come to know Him as my closest friend more than I ever have before.