Why do I do it?

Sometimes I torture myself. What purpose does this serve, you might ask? I'm not sure, but it may have to do with the fact that I hate more than anything to feel apathy. Hence, I would rather feel piercing sorrow or longing than to feel nothing. And because of that, I do things like this:

• Sing songs that I used to sing to Matt--songs that he loved so much--and feel the loneliness hit so hard!
• Imagine all of the wonderful things that I would have if I were married (someone who would be waiting up for me when I got home from campus at midnight after a 16 hr day, someone to cuddle with, someone who would give me the most wonderful massages in the world! Someone who would selflessly listen to all my complaints when I was so discouraged, buy me my favorite food when I was too tired to make something or was too sick to want anything else, who would encourage me when I was so upset with myself, and who loved me no matter what I did).
• Think about all the pain I would have escaped if I had been given that blessing to be married right now. 
• Read memories that bring me so much pain and start the flood of tears. 
• Read Matt's blog posts and remember all the ways I was so undeserving of his love and how he gave it so completely and so selflessly to me anyway. 

Ok, that's all I've done tonight and that's all I want to write right about now. I need to finish my paper. But hey! If I'm staying up until the wee hours of the morning doing homework anyway, why not waste a little time to have a pity party on my blog?!  I've been doing it all day anyway. So there ya go. I set a new record for the semester today: 16 hrs on BYU campus. I love nursing school.

Life will get better! I will survive this. I know it will not kill me. I know I will not feel apathy forever. Okay, back to writing about autism and vaccinations...