Apathy

Remember how I hate feeling apathetic? It is probably one of the things that I could realistically say that I loathe. I also fear it a lot, because I feel like when I don't feel things, I'm not truly living. I'm just kind of muddling along. I'm starting to feel apathetic lately. But it's a little different this time. This time it's almost like I feel like my life is a dream, and I act and think and do things when I'm with other people, but then, when I'm by myself it doesn't seem like that was really me doing all of those things. My brain is extremely good at trying to take complete control over my thoughts. It is almost like I'm in a different world when I just let my thoughts run how they may. When I close my eyes, things that are not real, or that are impossible, or that are really not me become very realistic and very possible. And it scares me. It is like a different form of apathy, because in a way I feel like I'm not truly living. I'm just going with the flow. I have good conversations, and I study and do my homework, I go to work and school and clinical, but when I am by myself, with my own thoughts, I feel like this girl, me, Bekah, hasn't really done any of that. It's almost like someone else is doing it. Anyway, this is a weird post. I need to get over this feeling, because I almost hate is as much as the other form of apathy I am prone to feel lately. How to I combine both my selves into one again?