Perspectives...

I've realized that I have such a different perspective about life than I used to. Well, I guess only in one aspect. But that aspect is pretty huge. It's the aspect of relationships. More specifically, romantic relationships. I used to look forward to my relationship with my future husband all the time. I used to day dream about it on a daily basis, probably more than once a day. And I would "scope out" boys as I walked across campus.

Then I was engaged. It was very different than I thought it would be. It was more stressful than I imagined. It was more complicated than I had ever dreamed. But it was beautiful. I was the most important person in someone's life. And he cared about me more than anyone else! And he always put me first, no matter how busy his day was. And I loved it.

However, now I am not engaged. I had no idea I could feel so much pain. It also was beyond anything I had imagined. That pain is mostly gone now (there is still definitely a sadness, but it isn't the piercing pain like it used to be). Instead it's more like a deadness, an apathy toward relationships. And I'm totally fine with that right now, as I know I need to heal and work on becoming a better person right now. But I don't ever hope or dream for it anymore. It seems so unreachable to me. So out of my life. But it's not in a sad way. It's more like it just became so foreign, so odd, so unfamiliar to me that I can't imagine it and I don't want to hope for it. I walk across campus and view people as if they are in a different world than I am, in such a different aspect of life. I see couples who obviously love each other so much, and I smile for them, but I feel like I will never again feel that.

Sometimes I feel familiar excitement about marriage like I used to, for just brief seconds, but then my mind just refuses to even dream about it. But, like I said before, it's not very often in a sad way, just in an acceptance sort of way, like I'm okay with the fact that I can't see myself ever getting married, ever having that relationship again.

And now I wonder, is this something that will pass? Do I just need to wait and let my heart continue to heal? Or is it something I need to attempt to overcome? I know that marriage is a commandment, and I want to want it. But I don't anymore. I don't know, what do you think?