Cliff jumping.

Sometimes I write posts at night. When I'm really tired and upset. And then I wake up the next morning and read them and I'm like, "Oh my heck! Grow up and stop being so dramatic and emotional." I apologize for the last two posts, no longer posted, that were like that. I'll try to be a bit more mature in future frustrations.

Last night I made the statement that I wasn't in the habit of cliff jumping. Now, this wasn't really talking about real cliff jumping, although I don't do that either. This was more about taking chances. Making the jump or leap into an exciting new "adventure." Being willing to leave security and safety in pursuit of something even better. Even if the opens you up to a very high chance of hurting someone else. And getting hurt yourself.

I've thought about this all day. Was that really what I meant? Did I really want to say that? I think I've come to the conclusion that it was true. However, it was also false.

I felt super inadequate after that statement. Like I had just failed some sort of a test. Am I really just a boring person that is never going to find the joy that requires giving up emotional safety? What is wrong with me?!

However, and perhaps it's because I can't handle that thought, I've decided that I don't think that's true.

I'm not very much of a spontaneous person. This trait has prompted many responses. One of which (the meanest) was that I don't have a personality. I'm a pretty quiet person. I don't do adventurous things often. Not because I don't want to, or wouldn't like to, but because I care more about being a good student, getting good grades, doing things that are conducive to meaningful conversations, or feeling like I'm helping enough at home. I don't often have time to plan-or do-crazy, usually expensive, adventurous things. So my life is pretty calm and predictable.

Hence, my statement is true: I'm not in the habit of going cliff jumping.

My dating experiences have been extremely varied but somehow all exactly the same. I start to like someone. I'm not super sure how much I like him. We go on several dates. My opinion of him varies on a daily basis. Sometimes I like him and think that I want to date him and sometimes I don't like him at all. But we keep going on dates because I'm still unsure. This progresses until he is super invested and asks me to date him. Then one of two things happens. Either I realize in that instant that I don't actually like him (which could or could not be true depending upon why I suddenly think I feel that way) and I tell him that I don't want to date. Or, I think. And think. And pray. And think. And my thoughts go something like this: "He really likes me. He's super sweet. He is a wonderful person. And he treats me so well. Why shouldn't I date him? Besides, I would like to make him happy, and maybe I really do like him more than I think." So I say yes, and we officially begin dating.

I hate the first option. Because if I've spent that much time with someone I usually really begin to care about him. I appreciate his opinion and I really and truly value his friendship. If I say I won't date him we say an awkward goodbye and then I never see him again. And if I do it is always awkward and he always seems super cold and aloof. And I hate it. Because before we were such good friends.

The second option has proven to be almost worse. We officially begin to date, and he is super excited about it, and I try to be excited about it, but I'm still constantly trying to decide if I even like him! This makes me extremely stressed all the time. I don't really know how to act because I don't want to send the wrong message, but we're dating for crying out loud! If I don't like him then I've already sent the wrong message. And I feel horrid about myself. So we date for a few weeks or even for several months. And all the while I'm vacillating between wanting to love him, having a lot of fun, being stressed, and wondering if I even like him. Time with him means time away from homework and family and sleep. Stress means less quality sleep, exhaustion, and moodiness. I get super cranky. I don't feel like I'm on top of my life. I struggle in my classes. I struggle with my relationships with my other friends and with my family. I feel guilty because my scripture study goes down the drain and all I'm doing is reading a chapter before bed, being so tired that I'm not getting anything out of it. I try so hard to put effort into the relationship. I come to care about him so much and to want so badly to make him happy but I feel like I'm being dishonest. So eventually we break up. And he is hurt. And I am hurt plus left with an extremely guilty conscience for going into the relationship being so unsure. If I had just said no in the first place, when I felt like I should, I would have saved both of us so much pain.

At each repeat of this second option, my dislike of dating just gets stronger. And my fear of hurting someone increases. And it just makes the next relationship even worse. And more frustrating. And more guilt ridden.

But this isn't because I don't want to get married. It's not because I don't want to take a chance. It's not because I think dating isn't worth it. It's because so far I haven't wanted to jump off in the first place. I did it hesitantly, unsure, and a tiny bit irked. And then it's more like a rough tumble down a steep, rocky hill. And it never works out at the bottom.

But my statement is false. I still am not in the habit of cliff jumping. But that doesn't mean I don't want to. It's not because I'm not that type of person. It's because so far I haven't been convinced that I have found the person I'm ready to jump with. There are a lot of theories about why I haven't found that person, and most of them center around my attitude, not the person. I think something that I subconsciously do prevents these great boys from becoming that person for me. But no longer am I going to jump (or try to jump and then screech and slide) with someone when I'm not sure if I want to. I don't have to be sure if it will work out, I don't have to be sure that I won't get hurt, or that I won't hurt him. I just have to be sure that I'm willing to risk it because I want to jump bad enough.

And when I do, it's going to be awesome. And I will be the type of person that will grab his hand and jump. And it's gonna be a big, flying leap :)

And this post was still dramatic. Dang it. Sorry!