Moving On

Last night I broke up with Taylor.

It was super difficult. My eyes are still puffy from crying.

I left work and felt like I should go to the temple. As I was walking out the door to drive to Provo I had the thought "I'm going to break up with Taylor tonight." My head replied "Of course I'm not! What an awful time. And I don't want to right now" and I continued on my way to the temple. I got there and it was more crowded than I have ever seen. I waited in an adjunct chapel for about 45 minutes and then once I got in the actual chapel in front of the font it took about another hour and a half. The whole time I could not stop thinking about ending this relationship. The thought persisted that I needed to break up with him right after I left the temple. It made me sick to my stomach to think about it. But I decided I couldn't ignore my feelings any longer and needed to just do it.

I drove to his apt and we just talked and then I accidentally fell asleep on his couch (whoops!). When I woke up a half hour later I thought for sure I couldn't do it that night. However, when we were saying goodbye he realized I still needed to talk. So he got in the passengers seat and thus began a 4 hr long conversation that resulted in us breaking up.

My heart hurts thinking about how much pain I have caused him. How I wish I could just be in love! I just want to get married to someone who makes me so happy and start a family. But I knew I wasn't feeling what I needed to move forward in our relationship. Why do I get the opportunity to date amazing, wonderful boys and then realize that I just can't fall in love? Am I being too picky? Am I looking for something that doesn't exist?

Whatever it is, I need to have faith that Heavenly Father is intimately aware of my circumstances. He knows how awful it is to break up. He knows what pain we both are feeling. But He also knows what will bring us incomprehensible joy. I believe that. I just need to trust Him.