Marriage

It's a really interesting fact that every time I break up with someone I suddenly start learning so many things that I wish I had known in that relationship, things that would have made such a big difference. It is actually kind of depressing. Because occasionally it makes me wonder if I had just tried harder if it would have worked out. But those thoughts don't get me anywhere, so I try not to dwell on them.

This breakup has been no different. However, in addition to learning so many principles about dating and relationships and things I could have done so very much better, I have also been reminded over and over again how important marriage is. I have been trying to prepare more to enter the temple soon, and as I have learned more about the temple, the principle of eternal marriage and how vital it is to the Plan of Happiness has been emphasized to me over and over again. I know that I have been taught this my whole life, but for some reason it is just now sinking in. I had always viewed the endowment on an equal level with the sealing ordinance. However, while reading President Packer's book, The Holy Temple, I have realized that that is not the case. However important the endowment is, I think it is still a preparatory ordinance for marriage.

Along with this thought, I have also been impressed with how much I need to prepare now for marriage. I am not suddenly going to become the most positive person, I am not immediately going to be blessed with never ending patience, and I am not suddenly going to be the most efficient, productive time manager ever. So much of what I have learned lately has prompted me to be more diligent at developing the characteristics I will need so much in marriage and parenthood.

Here is a very abridged list of the things I want to remember from this relationship:

Keep your priorities straight! You will forever feel guilty if you don't maintain the vital things in life while in a relationship: scripture study, prayer, your relationship with your Father in Heaven, and adequate time for sleep. I know it will be hard, and other things are going to have to drop out of your life to maintain these ones, but I truly believe that doing this will help you maintain the peace and closeness to the Holy Ghost that you need to be a clear judge about a relationship.

Boys express their love differently than you do! I was often bothered by the fact that after Taylor and I kissed goodnight he would tell me how much he loved me. To me the timing suggested that much of his love for me was based off of physical attraction. While I know I can't know this for sure, something my Marriage and Family teacher taught is that often it is the physical part of a relationship that allows men to open up emotionally. However, for women it is usually the opposite. It is the emotional closeness in a relationship that propels the physical aspect for girls. Knowing this, I believe I would have better understood Taylor.

Don't be too hasty to be exclusive. The lessons I have learned in my marriage and family class in the past several weeks have really made me think about the way I approach relationships. I don't know how well this will carry over into what I actually do, but one thing I really want to be better at is taking the necessary time to get to know someone enough before I exclusively date them. This includes seeing them with their friends, with my friends, and in bigger groups of people. Seeing how they interact, how they treat others. I guess do a lot more observing and analyzing before I am committed to them rather than after we start dating.

Once you've made the decision to be exclusive, give it everything. Because I often don't feel ready to be exclusive, once we are I still hesitate. I think that is like death to a relationship. If I am still questioning, and holding back, and trying to figure out if I even want to date him while he is moving full steam ahead, serving me, giving it his whole effort, we're definitely going to be off kilter. I think this may be one of the factors that has contributed to the fact that so far in every relationship I have been in I am always waaaaay behind my bf in how much we care about each other.

Communicate well from the very beginning. Jen has taught me lots about this, but I am still so bad at it! I hold things inside that bother me and they just eat at the relationship for far too long. Either until I finally tell him (when it has become way more of a big deal than it otherwise would have been) or until we break up and I never actually tell him so many of the things that were bothering me. I honestly don't know if this would have changed the outcome of a relationship, but it would at least have eliminated some frustration and hurt on my part, and hurt and confusion on his part.

Appreciate and express gratitude for the little things. Every time I break up I realize how many of the little sweet gestures of love I took for granted. Really expressing my gratitude for those things would help me feel more for him I believe.

Offer compliments. I always am hesitant to do this because I worry that I will appear more emotionally invested than I actually am. Or something like that. However, I think by emphasizing their strengths and things you love about them to them helps you remember that you love it about them. I really am terrible at this. I always thought I was good at paying compliments. Ha. Not in relationships, that's for sure.

Ask why. Many things I learned in my marriage and family class about the different ways men and women feel, express, or approach life has given me insight into why Taylor did things that he did (again, I can't say this for certain, but I really think I understand him better). If I had just asked why instead of coming to my own conclusions and getting annoyed, I wouldn't have been so frustrated.


And that is the very abridged list :) I just hope I can carry these lessons into a relationship, rather than just remembering them once the relationship has ended. And someday I will have a celestial marriage. It just might take me a couple 10 more years or so.