New Beginnings

I'm not really going to do a real new years resolutions post yet, I decided to save that for when I've really been consistent in accomplishing my goals (like maybe in two weeks after they become a "habit"). But I wanted to write some of my thoughts lately. This past year has been hard and extremely emotional.


Winter semester (Jan-April) was rough. It was the first time I'd lived away from home. I still had heartache from breaking up with Matt during finals week the semester before. I was lonely. I was shy. I was scared. My semester in terms of school was extremely difficult. I was so conflicted as to who I was, what my standards were, what I believed. I cried on a consistent basis (probably 5 nights a week). I learned to love running--it was such a stress reliever for me after a long day. I had a  week long "fling" that I really regretted. Basically the stupidest thing I've ever done. I felt very guilty, I never felt good enough. I was still so unsure of where I was going with Matt.

Spring term (April-June) I moved home. I felt like I was beginning to be whole again, beginning to be my old self. I looked forward to the time I would have to learn to enjoy life fully, as a single girl. I was going to get perfect grades this term! ;) Then I decided to meet up with Matt one last time to have better closure on our relationship. Instead we began dating and about three weeks later we were engaged.

Summer term (June-August) was my "it's okay, you're engaged" semester. I had two 3 credit classes and didn't do well in either of them. Being engaged was hard, stressful, and very emotional. That ended in me calling off our wedding during finals, 13 days before the wedding date (I have a knack of doing things at the worst possible times...) and that was the hardest, most painful, most tearful thing I have ever done. I remember waking up on Saturday morning, the day after I gave the ring back to Matt and said goodbye,  and immediately as I remembered the events of the previous evening, the horrible, wrenching sobs began again. August was a painful month.

Fall semester (August-December) found me trying (again) to figure out who I was, what I truly wanted, what I really believed, why I did what I did. I learned a lot of humbling things about myself, so many areas where I was so, so wrong. So many things to work on. It was overwhelming and very discouraging. I had so many fears. People I talked to told me I had OCD. That was rather hard to accept. But life went on, I began to heal, I told myself that all I needed to do was to survive. I had no desire to do anything, no desire to better myself. I just wanted to stop hurting. But I did what I knew I should, only because I knew I should do it. I learned to smile again without faking it, I regained my love for singing, I became closer to my family. I learned so much about the Atonement, about repentance, and realized for the first time in my life that my Savior didn't expect me to be perfect.


Here I am. A new year and a new semester beginning. As I reflected on the miracle, the purpose, of Christmas I realized that I have a lot of work to do. I've become pretty lax in a lot of things because I was so worried about just moving forward that I didn't think much about becoming a better person. And as I've analyzed my desires, my true desires, I've realized that I need to put a lot more effort into the simple things that will help me improve: studying my scriptures, not just reading them, praying "with all the energy of heart" not just mumbling a few words as I crawl out of bed in the morning or fall asleep at night, learning to accept others, to not criticize, to strive to love as Christ loves us, to better honor the Sabbath day, to obey with exactness, to be more humble. I guess I've realized that becoming good, having good desires, being happy takes WORK! And I am going to put in that effort. Because I want to be happy. I want to have good, honest desires. I want to be able to be pure and clean in the sight of my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Sorry, that was much longer and more personal than I expected. Happy New Years!