Decisions. Aren't they about...Time?

I have been trying to make a decision in my life for quite some time now. This decision has been about serving a full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The first time a mission was part of my decision making was Fall semester of 2010. Specifically December, 2010. This was when Matt told  me he loved me and asked me to marry him the first time. I had dreamed of going on a mission my whole life. It was definitely in my plans. When I was faced with a decision about marriage, my heart ached with the thought of never having the opportunity to serve a mission as a single. However, I was willing to give that up if I was supposed to get married. Well, I broke up with Matt soon after that (again). It wasn't because of a mission, it was because it wasn't right. But a happy perk was that a mission was still in my plans.

The second time I faced this decision was in the Spring of 2011. This time when Matt proposed, I said yes. I still wanted to serve a mission, but I realized that that was not my first priority, whereas becoming a wife and mother was. So I gave up my dream to serve a mission, and worked on preparing to get married. Well, that ended up not working out after all. In the fall of 2011 I was again starting school 100% single.

The next time I had to seriously think about a mission was in March of this year. I would be turning 21 that summer and knew I could potentially leave on a mission before Fall semester started. The nursing program needed to know if I was going to stay and continue on in school or if I was deferring. I went and talked to the counselor. I chose to not defer, knowing that if I ended up going I still had a little wiggle room to defer. So I put off that decision and told the nursing program that I was staying indefinitely. However, I took mission prep and started casually thinking about it during spring term. The desire to go was just not there. I wanted to want to go, but my mission prep teacher told me that wasn't enough. So I waited, and pushed it to the back of my mind.

It came up again when I went to Alaska over the summer. I turned 21, the age I needed to be to serve a mission. I analyzed my feelings. Did I want to serve a mission? What was the reason I wanted to before? Were my previous motivations appropriate? I knew I wanted to be a returned sister missionary, I wanted to have that strength I saw in so many RM's. I knew I didn't have to go on a mission to gain that, but that seemed like the fastest way. But I didn't have a super strong desire to preach the gospel.

While in Alaska I started an application for the BYU Jerusalem Center Study Abroad. This was also something I had previously desired to do. After counsel with my Dad, Quince and Jen, and Heavenly Father (and my own feelings) I decided that I didn't really want to go to the Jerusalem Center all that much, at least not $10,000 worth. I re read my patriarchal blessing, I prayed about a mission, I talked with Quince and Jen and decided that I would, indeed, serve a mission. I would go home and immediately start my papers. I was not super excited about it, but I felt I had already been given guidance from my Father in Heaven and I knew what I needed to do.

I got back to Utah and started my papers. The more I worked on them, the more excited I got. I talked to a good friend who had her call and I felt peaceful about my decision to go. I felt like the timing was right-I would go one more semester at BYU and then defer and leave on my mission sometime after Christmas.

However, in addition to starting my papers upon my return, I also started going on dates with Taylor. After about 3 weeks of 'casual' dating we began dating exclusively. I told him about my desire to serve a mission. I told him I had already started my papers. I told him I would make the decision when I came to it. I decided to hold off on turning in my papers (I could have turned them in the middle of August) to date him and see where things went.

Now it's the middle of September. We've been dating for almost one month. I've gone through the same cycle of changing my mind every day about how I feel like all of my previous relationships. I have questioned it a lot. I didn't think I wanted to continue dating but then it got better and I didn't break up. I had an interview with my Bishop last night and told him I was going to continue dating Taylor until I needed to let the nursing program know if I was deferring. They usually send us an email about it in October. I knew it was coming up, but I still had a few weeks. I felt calm and sure that I would know, that things would work out, that the decision would be clear.

I just got that email. I need to have my capstone placement request turned in by next Thursday. I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this decision yet.

There are so many factors in this decision process. Some shouldn't be there, but they are. They include

• Taylor. Is this relationship something that could be long term? Could I marry him? If so, am I supposed to go on a mission anyway and we could pursue it after I got home? If not, how do I know? 
• Loneliness. I am trying so hard to not let this influence my decision. However, it keeps sneaking in there. Both of my best friends have serious relationships (one engaged and one considering it) and thus have very little time to spend with me. I'm not very good at making real new friendships. If I break up with Taylor I am going to be one lonely girl. It will be difficult. But I know this should never be a reason to date someone. I just don't know how to completely forget about this fact. 
• Benefits. I know that serving a mission will bring me blessings. I know it will strengthen my faith and character. I keep getting the thought that perhaps a mission is what I need to clarify what I want in a husband, to gain an ability to make decisions, and help me really know what is important. 
• School. I am not ready to graduate. I am not ready to do my capstone. I just want a few semesters to re take classes that will help me be a better nurse, cement what I have learned, and give me more confidence. If I left on a mission, I would very likely have at least one semester to take non-nursing classes either when I got home or before I left. To finish my GE's. To re take physiology and pathophysiology like I want. 
• Fear. If I leave on a mission I am going to forget so much of what I have learned in school. It will be so difficult to come back. I would be leaving the predictability (ha. what remains) of my life. I would leave my family. I would miss them dreadfully. I would leave Taylor, who has become my best friend this past month. I would leave dating, and playing, and family, and school, and work....
• Blessings. Do those words mean I should go? Should I stay? How do I interpret them? 

There are many more. I need to make a decision. I need to have the faith I thought I had just earlier this morning that things will work out for the best, whatever happens, and remember that God is in charge. He knows, after all, my entire plan for eternity.

Wish me luck (and prayers) in making this decision that seems so eternally significant.