Missionary Craze

"Today, I'm pleased to announce that all able, worthy young women who have the desire to serve, may be recommended for missionary service beginning at age 19" (President Monson).

The gasps and squeals and screams heard after this announcement could hardly express how glorious it is. I received texts from friends ready to start their papers as soon as they could talk to their Bishop. Facebook was flooded with girls, and boys, expressing their desire to go. Now.

Watching this first session with Taylor, my expressions of excitement were definitely more subdued than they otherwise would have been. This is something I was waiting for and wanting my whole life. If this announcement was made two years ago I would already be home from a mission. How exciting that girls no longer have to wait until all their friends leave and get back or until they are accepted and far along in their school programs/majors before they can go. I am so excited to see how this will affect missions, BYU, singles wards, marriage age, etc.

This announcement doesn't really change anything for me though. I am already 21. I have already completed my papers. I was already praying about it. However, it did bring up lots of feelings about my desire to go. It reminded me of the excitement of serving a mission. It reminded me of the importance of sharing the gospel, whether on a mission or not. And mostly, it brought up the subject more between me and Taylor.

Last night we had a long, tearful discussion about me serving a mission. I am so confused right now. Part of me feels like I already received my answer. The peace I felt last spring, even though it was just quiet, momentary peace, when I made the decision to wait until winter semester to defer for a mission could very well have been my answer.

Promises in my patriarchal blessing could very well be my answer.

The peace I felt when I talked to Jessica and told her I was going to turn in my papers this semester could very well have been my answer.

Why, then, did I even start dating Taylor? I liked him a lot. I knew that if an opportunity for celestial marriage arose, my plan for a mission would definitely be replaced. So I pursued this opportunity, hoping that my feelings for Taylor would be stronger than they had ever been for someone I've dated. I hoped that I would fall in love. I hoped that he was the one I would want to spend my entire eternity with.

It has gotten to the point, however, that I feel like I'm stuck in this relationship. I am starting to feel the same frustrated, confused feelings I felt in my relationship with Matt. I don't understand how I feel. I go back and forth on how much I love him. I worry that I don't respect and love him enough to rejoice in that love. I don't adore him like I want to adore whoever I end up marrying.

Thoughts have often come that perhaps there are lessons I must learn on a mission before I am ready and able to fall in love. Then I wonder if I have the wrong idea of what love is. Am I looking for something that doesn't exist? Am I expecting something that no one feels when they first fall in love? I don't know.

All I know at the present moment is that there is no possible way that I could move forward with this relationship with how I feel now. I could never again ask someone to suffer through my confusion, not knowing if I would change my mind about them or not. If I ever get married I will have to feel so different than I do now. I know that I don't have to have a sure, perfect knowledge. A clear answer. But I do know that it will have to be more certain than this.

As of now I am trying to figure out my feelings about a mission aside from Taylor. I need to be sure that I want to go for the right reasons. Because I can't make a decision about one based on the decision about another.

If only Heavenly Father just flat out told me what to do...